Thursday, January 9, 2014

#newyear #newyou #newBLOWOFFs?

The holidays are thankfully over. Based off the data from my newsfeed (and the crazed stalking I did), I've tallied up three engagements, one pregnancy and a couple's first home together. We get it guys, enough. Happiness is clearly only reserved for those who make positive life-choices.

Now, based off the data from my online dating profile, I've tallied three messages on Thanksgiving, two on Christmas and four on New Years Eve. Not to mention, a blast from the past from a former Okcupid date who tried to take me out again during the holidays even though our first and only date was disastrous.

I've decided that if you're single during the holidays, it makes you crazy. Twinkle lights is some sort of trigger for single people - they just don't want to be alone. 

Here is an example of a message someone sent to me over the holidays:

Now, I can't judge. I admittedly went a bit overboard this holiday season too. We're all just secretly looking to find someone to confirm that we will not choke on our kale and die alone in our apartments. But seriously? You only messaged me because you didn't want to be alone during the holidays? I've realized now that I just don't trust dating during the months of November to January 2nd. The minute they pack away those lights, it's back to being the noncommittal assholes that we are.

In my holiday panic, I too was furiously texting left and right, hoping to see which one would last beyond the January 1st deadline. A week into the new year, I realized that none of my "maybes" were biting. Gone were the days of, "Hey, thinking of you today. Merry xmas." Or "I think this could be something great." I admit, I played right into it too. I even played a "Wish you were here!" card. There may have even been a suggestive winky face that followed that text too.

I was talking (complaining) to a girlfriend of mine that a particular person had stopped texting me this week after non-stop communication for the past month. She simply texted me back saying: Maybe he's dead? :/

I know she was kidding, but it still reminded me of that one episode of SAtC when Miranda attends the funeral of a blind-date she never met because he literally dropped dead. No, he's not dead, it just happens to be the first week of the new year. It means #2014 and #newyear #newyou #noregrets and whatever cliched inspirational hashtag that applies to your dating life. Basically anyone that you met leading up to January 1st no longer exists because the new year always brings hope that maybe, just maybe you'll meet your person this year.

The only lesson that I've learned from the holidays is never trust another single person during those formidable months. Everyone is just keeping you as a "maybe" in case they don't have a NYE's kiss lined up. I'm ashamed to admit that I was part of that witch hunt as well.  But hey, #2014, right guys? The holiday was practically invented by single people to wash us of our past dating sins.

Here's to a whole new year of dating blow-offs! 


  1. Witch hunt? From the weekend column, may things reemerge from the other demograph.

  2. I actually was listening to a radio show and a guy came on and encouraged men to break up with their girlfriends right after thanksgiving to avoid christmas and valentines day... and my birthday is in january! it's the trifecta!!!

  3. i love this post. I have to say, I so had my go to guys to email or call between break ups-- just to get a little male attention.

  4. You need to extend your deadline through Feb 14.... Pretty much slutty costume season through VD.