Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Starting Over & the BLOW OFF

Every weekend for the past year, I went to the apartment of the guy I’d been seeing. We’d open a bottle of wine, choose a movie from Netflix, and then have the best sex of my life. Afterwards, we would talk for a while and he’d hold me all night. If I inched away in the middle of the night, he’d pull me back to him.

I’m a routine kind of girl. My life has been so unpredictable. There have been different cities, jobs, guys, friends (this is kind of typical when you live in LA). So when I find a routine that I enjoy, it gives me a sense of control in a world full of chaos. It becomes hard for me to stray from even when it stops really working for me.


I’m a girl. So while intellectually I’ve known for a long time that this guy wasn’t in a place to give me what I need, my heart didn’t really care. I fell in love with him (as girls often do when we are spending a lot of time and being intimate with someone). I could never imagine a time when we wouldn’t get along or I wouldn’t want to touch him. I hoped against all hope that he’d realize he couldn’t live without me.

I wanted more time with him so I allowed myself to have it, but I gave myself a time frame. I promised myself that if things hadn’t changed by January, I would walk away. I’ve never been afraid of being single. I'd rather be alone than try to force something. I like me time and time with my girls. It wasn’t that I was going miss being with someone. I was going to miss being with him.

I know without a doubt that I had to let go. We weren't "progressing" (his words, not mine, but he never really let me into his life and I may never understand why). Still, when I think about not going to his apartment (which became like my second home), not seeing him, talking to him or touching him, my heart re-breaks a little each time. I also know that in addition to feeling a loss, a lot of what I’m feeling is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I’ll never feel this way about someone again. Fear that I’ll never find what I’m looking for or that even if I do, my heart might get broken five more times in the process. I think often times we hold on to people and imperfect situations because they are familiar and we are scared of starting over.

I wish I could be the girl at the end of the movie. You know the one who gets her heart broken and stands on the beach looking all contemplative. Then she kicks of her shoes and runs into the ocean letting the audience know that she is ready to let go of the past and find love again. I’m not quite there yet. The thought of being with someone else right now makes me nauseous.

I don’t know much right now, but I do know that I want someone who makes me a priority, who knows how he feels and isn’t afraid to tell me. Someone who wants to make me happy and take care of me. I know the longer I stayed in my situation, the less time I was giving myself to find that. The thought of starting over after I’ve invested so much time and emotion into someone seriously sucks. He will always have a piece of my heart and I don’t feel like I have much to give right now. But I’m hoping soon I will be ready for a new and better routine. In the wise words of Dawson's Creek "letting go isn't a one time thing. It's something you have to do over and over again everyday." But In the wise words of Carrie Bradshaw, I need to have faith in myself and faith that I will find someone who is sure that I’m the one.

4 comments:

  1. Sammi, I must tell you a little story. I was in a stagnant marriage (like so many) for 24 years. After having the same argument with him for the umpteenth time, I finally decided that would be enough. Just before I left, he asked me if I thought this was the right thing for me. I told him I didnt really know for sure, but this was what I had to do. Well, I bought myself a little home, and it didnt take long to realize that I've never been happier in my life. Old friends have come back into my life, and everybody tells me how happy I am and that I've never looked better (happiness can do that to you) So dont be afraid of the unknown, because usually its better than the unhappiness in your life. Best of luck to you. Klaudia

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    1. I love this Klaudia! I would love to do a blow off post on this story.

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  2. Thanks Klaudia! What a great (and hopeful) story. Amazing that you had the strength and courage and to do what was best for you.

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  3. Thanks for this and for the quote "Letting go isn't a one time thing. It's something you have to do over and over again everyday." I think this will help me in getting over someone, I just can't seem to get over.

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