Tuesday, January 14, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

My sister meets Juan Pablo at Twitter.  Spoiler alert: he gives her the final rose.
How do you solve a problem like Victoria....?  We're about to find out.  Shit gets really real this week and it's only episode #2.  Usually girls wait till at least week 4 to bring out the crazy but not when you are vying for the love of Juan Pabs.  But I digress, there's SO much to discuss before all that.

First of all, I would like to address some of the comments last week from people who say they're just not that into Juan Pablo.

Dear People,
Are you out of your mind?  He's funny, he's charming, he's Latino, he rolls his "R"s and he's way hotter than any other Bachelor that came before him.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.  Go stare at this picture for ten minutes, then get back to me:
Anyway.  Juan Pablo looks extremely gorgeous as he walks through the door to pick up Clare-- who I'm pretty sure might actually be a cartoon character from the way she looks and acts.  I'm telling you guys, CGI is super advanced these days.  We might find out that Juan Pablo actually had his first date in front of a green screen and gave the rose to a tennis ball and then later they digitally inserted Clare.

Clare announces that this could be her first date with her future husband.  More like future ex-fiance, but okay.  Now, I know this is a producer thing, but I find it extremely weird that all the other women are forced to follow them outside and watch as Juan Pablo and Avatar get into the car.  I'm sure if they had it their way they'd be like "no thanks, I'd rather sit on the couch and pour myself another glass of chardonnay!"  But no.  They have to stand there and send them off on their date. They all swoon when Hot Pablo blindfolds Clare.

No.  Way.  He's totally going to take her to the red room of pain!  And then he's going to make her sign a sex contract! 

Sadly, this doesn't happen and after hearing Clare explain in the most annoying voice ever:  "Where in the world...ARE we?"  I'm hoping instead of the red room of pain, Juan Pablo Escobar is actually selling her into sex slavery and we will never see her again.

Clare Bear also explains that Juan Pablo smells like heaven in a bottle.  As I type this, ABC executives are making calls to Wal-Mart about getting a limited release Juan Pablo cologne on the shelves, stat.   On the richter scale of perkiness, I find Clare all the way in Taylor Swift territory, yet Juan Pablo is obviously really into her.  Happy and easy go-lucky is the name of the game, ladies.  This guy may not fare so well during the end of the season when women are crying left and right.

Mexican Clare and Juan Pablo go to some fake Los Angeles winter wonderland (Um, I want to go there) and play in the snow.  WTF.  Who made this place?  And why do I feel like some Snow Queen is going to show up and offer them Turkish Delight?  (Readers, that's a reference from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.)

Back at the house, the girls hang out in the hot tub and stinky Lucy has her top off, officially making her the hot Lena Dunham.  Strangely, the other girls don't seem to have much of a problem with it.  So far these women seem to be getting along pretty well.  What is their problem?  At some point, Molly the dog comes in with the one on one date card and it goes to...Kat.  Who?  The girl that looks like Dee from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?  I did not see a one on one date for her this early.  I can't even come up with a nickname for her.  And seriously, if Molly the dog doesn't get a one on one date at some point, I will never ever watch this show again.

Back to the fake snow.  Clare Bear and Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon get into a hot tub.  Of course, of course.  Because that's what we ALL do on first dates.  Seriously, if a guy asked me to get into a hot tub with him on a first date it would be the #1 sign that he was a serial killer.  But we're talking about Juan Pablo here and he looks HOT.  He's like hotter than....the hot tub. That's how hot he is.  Things get very intimate as fake cartoon Clare gives Juan Pablo a massage (somewhere a little piece of Amy the masseuse just died).

Clare opens up about losing her father and even says she was an ice queen after it happened.  I give her a lot of credit for being honest and for dropping the dead parent card right off the bat.  This chick is not messing around.  Speaking of perfect (wait- we weren't speaking of perfect?)  I think Juan Pablo Neruda does a really good job of actually listening to Clare as she pours her heart out.  Most Bachelors and Bachelorettes would be yawning and checking their watch, but not him. 

Juan Pablo declares that both he and Clare have high standards (translation: he will not end up with a cheap whore), so he gives her the date rose.  They kiss which I believe means Clare got the first kiss with him, right?  That's kind of a big deal.  Then they hear music and go running through the snow (who caught that horrible cheerleader jump that Clare did on their way? That was more disgusting than a human centipede).  They arrive to discover Josh Krajcik (yes, I had to look up that spelling) singing and playing the guitar.  Josh Krajcik, as in the guy who got second place on the X Factor.  First place gets a five million dollar record deal and second place gets to perform live on The Bachelor.

Anyway, I got a terrible bout of temporary blindness after watching Juan Pablo Forever and Clare the Mexican slow dance in their bathing suits and press their crotches against each other.  For those few seconds, Juan Pablo became less attractive in my eyes. 

Time for the second one on one date.  Kat and Juan hop on a private jet and are already all kinds of snuggly.  Kat wonders if they could be going to Miami or New York and I'm like-- settle down!  Have you ever seen this show?  The only place anyone ever goes on a private jet is San Francisco or Vegas.  But then Juan Pabs puts on the world's most adorable sweat suit and gives Kat some weird fluorescent tennis outfit.  They land in Salt Lake City, Utah to attend some electric 5K race which is really just a bunch of fake ravers running around like lunatics. 

Side note: My husband really wants me to mention that Juan Pablo sounds like Puss & Boots.

Kat and Juan Pabs get the race started and then we're subjected to watching them dance on some giant stage where the people of Utah basically act like John Lennon and George Harrison returned from the dead and they're watching a Beatles Reunion.  Please tell me Chris Harrison is on ecstasy somewhere having an orgy and then he decides to stay in Utah and take three wives and have his own reality show.

Seriously though, this might be my ideal date on the Bachelor.  It's not all cheesy romantic.  They get to wear goofy outfits and dance around.  And even though Kat does the mouth wide open dance, she seems to be able to take it all in stride and have a good time.  Even though she's freaking out because there's a rose on stage.  Guys, how awesome would it be if Juan Pablo Picasso decided not to give her a rose and in the middle of all that madness she got sent home in a 15 passenger van?  BUT, that's not what happens.  He gives her a rose...but there's no kiss.... I'm guessing there could have been some sort of dinner portion of this date we never saw and maybe there was some making out then?

Time for the group date!  This is when I discover that Victoria (Aka Sicktoria) is from Boca Raton, Florida.  WHAT?  Her bio said Brazil!  I would have never picked her to be in the final four if I knew she was really from Boca Raton.  Fuck those bios.

Anyway, after we are subjected to hot Lena Dunham flashing her boobs, the girls arrive at a warehouse for a photo shoots with Mutts & Models (yes, this actually exists).  They are going to be photographed with dogs that need to be adopted.  The dogs are by far the best part of this entire sequence-- next to the creative director with the turquoise goatee.  WOW.  Just wow.  Please tell me the carpet matches the drapes.

So this is one of those group dates to test the girls to see who's going to be a whiny bitch and who can roll with the punches.  Kelly (occupation: dog lover) is totally in her element on this date and she's completely fine with wearing a weird bald cap and looking like a cast member from that show Alien Nation.
Andi and Elise both have a panic attack when they realize they have to be naked in their photo shoot.  Elise uses her mad plotting skills when she asks Lucy to trade her places.  Lucy is super excited to give up her fire hydrant costume and next thing we know, she's walking naked down Sunset Blvd with a dog.  WHY????  I mean, is that even legal?

The whole naked thing with Andi doesn't sit well and she doesn't know what to do.  This sequence really pissed me off.  This is just not okay.  Why are we forcing these women to get naked if they don't want to?  And then putting this weird pressure on them like they won't get a rose if they don't do what they're told?  It would have been SO awesome if Andi stood up for herself and refused to do it, but instead Juan Pablo talks her into it.  I'll admit, he was sweet and supportive (swoon) BUT how much cooler would he have been if he was like "fuck this, you're not doing anything you don't feel comfortable doing." Now that's knight in shining armor territory.  (OMG, next thing you know I'm going to refer to myself as a princess.  Someone slap me.)

I love how Juan Puss & Boots uses adjectives like elegant to really drive home the point that he's not looking for anyone trashy.  I think he mentions that Renee is elegant and holy crap-- those two have serious chemistry.  This actually makes me really happy because Renee is thirty-two and he hasn't written her off because of that.  Plus, she's like the Mama Lion of the house. 

Oh, Andi ends up getting naked and we have to see a black bar cover up her twat as she sits down.  And that's going to be on the internet. 

Time for the nighttime portion of the date.  The only thing worth mentioning before we get to Sicktoria is that Cassandra (who looks just like Kendall from All My Children-- my ABC Daytime friends know who I'm talking about) tells Juan Pabs that she has a son who's almost two years old.  More on that later.

Let's get down to really the only thing that mattered in this episode.  Victoria's secret: she's a black out alcoholic.  Apparently, she has too much to drink and a couple of the girls sit her down to basically tell her she's going to make an ass of herself on national television.  She simply explains to them that this is how she is sober.  She's just fun sober.

Here's another priceless Sicktoria quote.
"I'm going to straddle him everyday.  Because that's what life is about.  Straddling people.  And things"

Then she calls the heimlich maneuver the hymen maneuver and things just go downhill from there.  We watch her do a bunch of air humping in the hot tub.  She ask whose leg she has to hump to get some one on one time with Juan Pablo.  She runs out to try to find Juan Pablo, but when she sees him talking to Darling Nikki, she freaks out.  You know what, this recap cannot do it justice.  Watch for yourself:
"Aye, poor Victoria"- Juan Pablo

Renee not only deserves the group date rose, but the final rose for climbing under that bathroom stall to try to help her. Seriously, Renee is a mother and she's putting her life at risk right now-- not to mention all those public bathroom germs. After Victoria comes out of the bathroom and says she's going home, the producers try to explain to her that they have to get her things, buy her a plane ticket (could you imagine her on an airplane?!), and call her a taxi. Then Lucy tells Juan Pablo what's going down and then he goes to the bathroom to talk to Sicktoria.  NO JUAN PABLO!  GET OUT OF THAT BATHROOM, SHE SAID SHE WANTS YOU TO DIE. Don't worry, guys.  Nothing happens, she just says she doesn't want to talk to him and he leaves. 

In a shocking move, Juan Pablo does not give her the group date rose.  Instead it goes to pig-nosed Kelly for wearing a bald cap.  Renee was robbed! 

I could write an entire dissertation on Victoria.  Honestly, I know that it's all actually very sad and we shouldn't be laughing at her-- and I'm hoping she was on suicide watch while this aired-- but I'm not emotionally mature enough to go to that dark scary place.  To quote Chantel, I just want to stay in the "get it together" place.  It's bad on the producers for supplying these girls with so much alcohol (not to mention these shoots last for hours) but no one else was acting a mess.

The following day, we learn that Victoria stayed in a hotel and Juan Pablo actually pays her a visit.  She's still in her bathing suit and white slip from the night before because she had no other clothes with her apparently.  He is the bravest person in the world for showing up here, but ugh, her apology was so terrible.  She says she's sorry and that she may have overreacted and then she says "welcome to Brazil!" Okay, so I have it on good authority (my sister who works at Twitter and met Juan Pablo last week) that the reason it didn't work out with him and his baby mama was because she had a temper and was too fiery/unpredictable.  She was also Latina-- so maybe now it makes sense why aside from part Mexican Clare there are NO Latinas on the show.  The whole "welcome to Brazil" line basically made him shit his pants.  He handles the situation pretty well though when he tells her that he's 32 and has a child and he can't be around this kind of craziness.  She actually looks surprised when he sends her home.

Please God.  Please.  If you're listening, please tell me Sicktoria will be at the Women Tell All.

Some highlights from the cocktail party before the rose ceremony.  Amy, the local news reporter who doesn't get a date with Juan Pablo in this episode decides to maximize the time she has left by auditioning to be the next host of Dancing with the Stars.  She "interviews" Juan Pablo and shows off her broadcast journalist skills.  Needless to say, she does not get a rose.

I now have proof that Sharleen is an actress hired by ABC.  She's wearing Kerry Washington's wardrobe from Scandal.  She apologizes to Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon for acting like a weirdo when she got the first impression rose and pretty much admits it's because she thinks the other girls are way hotter than her.

Cassandra has a freak out about missing her son and Renee who is the MVP of the show gives her a shoulder to cry on and convinces her to stay.  Juan Pablo interrupts them and Cassandra starts putting a little pressure on him to give her more insight into how he feels and it's like--- slooooow your roll, three days have gone by.  Honestly, I need to be a little judgmental here.  Who leaves their almost two year old behind to go on The Bachelor?!  I'm guessing this kid already hasn't had the most stable life because mommy and daddy aren't together and now mommy is going to go on The Bachelor?  This is NOT okay.  At least Renee's kid is a little bit older.  But Trey is still technically a baby.  What's next?  Someone leaves their six month old?  Cassandra, for the love of God-- go home.  She decides to stay  and gets a rose. 

Guys, side note: there wasn't a whole lot of making out in this episode, right?  I think the only person we've seen Juan Pablo kiss so far is Clare Bear.  He's SO different than all the other bachelors.

Finally, Chris Harrison takes a break from snorting MDMA and indulging in his furry fetish and arrives to conduct the rose ceremony.  I mean, how confused were all of us when he wasn't shown coming to the house at the top of the episode to explain how a one on one date works VS a group date? I for one was completely lost. 

Anyway, since this is episode two-- it was inevitable that one of the only two black women would be sent home and tonight that was Chantel.  I was REALLY upset by this, although she seems way too cool and together for this show in the first place.  But she's SO elegant and that's what Juan Pablo says he wants.  Why does this happen every season?  Why is everyone so racist?  They should force the contestant to keep the minorities till at least the hometown dates.  Ugh.  Seriously, a black man in the white house but you can't keep any in the bachelor house.  You suck, America.

Anyway, until next week! aye, aye, aye.


  1. Did you check out Sharleen's bio on abc.com?

    All-Time Favorite Movies: The Royal Tenenbaums, Spirited Away, Match Point. Favorite Author: Haruki Murakami

    I call foul! NO way is she not an actress/plant by ABC. Come on, I'm pretty sure Pretty Woman or The Notebook are requirements for getting cast. I can't believe favorite author was even a question. I see the best some of the girls could come up with was 'favorite magazine"--Elle, Self and Glamour--you know, the IMPORTANT ones. I'm going to be laughing all day thinking about how I used 'important' and 'magazine' in the same sentence. Tee hee hee...

  2. First, i think he kisses a girl during the photo shoot.

    Second, Kelly (in her FULL photo shoot makeup and bald cap) was in my dream last night - working out at the gym - again, in her FULL photo shoot makeup and bald cap.

    Third, is the hubz upset Amy went home so early?

    Fourth, what kind of name is Trey?