Tuesday, January 21, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

The days of super hot Juan Pablo are over. I'm sorry, but his homophobic comments really ruined things for me. I get that he can't speak English that well and yeah, maybe he really meant to say affectionate and not "pervert", and maybe it's a cultural thing, and hopefully someone injected him with some drug that made him say things he didn't mean BUT DAMN, he sure became way less attractive in my eyes.

The most hilarious part of his comment is that he said having a gay bachelor would be bad for kids. Um, having a straight bachelor is bad for kids. Who would let their children watch this show? Aside from all the slutting around and all the drinking, it would give them a seriously skewed perspective on love. Some eight year old girl is going to think the only way she can get a guy to fall in love with her is by spelling her name wrong, moving to Phoenix, getting a job as a dental hygienist or a dog lover, getting a bright orange spray tan, and wearing a plunging hot pink evening gown. This is what I call "PERVERT"-ed.

This week, we are promised the most awkward kiss in bachelor history and I have a hard time believing there is a kiss that exists that's more awkward than this:
            
Anyway, back to the recap.   I get really sad every time I see poor Molly the dog in the house. This place must be worse than living in a kennel. Let's just really hope that Molly got all of her shots before she came here and that she's not going to get worms from one of the contestants.

All the girls are stunned when Chris Harrison arrives at the house and it's not even time for the rose ceremony.  He's wearing the world's ugliest two-toned button down proving he's absolutely going through a mid-life crisis.  What's next?  A hoop earring?  We hear that fifteen girls are left and that there will be three dates this week.  A group date and two individual dates.  WTF is an individual date?!  Since when did we stop calling these one on one dates??  I haven't been this confused since I watched American Hustle.

Harrison leaves the first date card and it goes to Cassandra, the horrible mom who left her two year old child to be on this show.  Everyone says Juan Pablo de Pervert is going to try to get to know her quickly so he can decide whether to send her back to her kid BUT I think he just wants to stick his tongue in her mouth and potentially touch her butt.  Can we all take a moment to recognize that Cassandra is twenty-one years old?  Somehow I missed this last week.  Guys, that means she JUST was allowed to legally drink and go to bars.

New drinking game: Every time Cassandra mentions that she hasn't had a first date in three years or since she was eighteen, chug-a-lug.  WE GET IT.  You haven't had a first date in awhile, which isn't even really awhile, because you're FREAKING twenty-one.  Like, it actually makes sense for her to shop at Forever 21.  Also, in case you didn't read our male perspective recap from yesterday, Cassandra's baby daddy is a famous pro-basketball player who makes about $8 million a year.  Better than a "retired" soccer player, right?

Anyway, on their date, Bore-ssandra and Juan Bigot get into a really douchey car and then suddenly, Juan Pablo drives it into the ocean.  Surprise: It's a boat car!  This looks dangerous.  I love that they send the single mom on a date that could potentially kill her.  Cassandra tries to pretend like she's having the time of her life, but you know she's actually scared she's going to vomit all over the place.  Or maybe I'm just projecting my own issues onto her.  Seriously, if I was on that boat, I'd puke my ovaries out.

Yes, Cassandra is very pretty (though her features are a little harsh) but does this girl have any personality?  NO.  Because she's twenty-one and isn't fully formed as a human being.  All she does on this whole date is say "woooh!" "Oh my God" then dissolves into a fit of giggles.  After the boat ride, Juan Pablo de Gay Hater takes Cassandra back to his "house" so he can cook pasta for her.  Cassandra says the last time she had a guy cook for her was-- wait for it-- never.  Which is completely normal, because she's only twenty-one and her last boyfriend was SO rich he probably had a private chef cook all their meals for them. 

After a VERY awkward salsa dance, Cassandra shows Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon pictures of Trey and I think this might be a big mistake, because he's a freaking adorable bi-racial baby and I'm scared Juan Pablo thinks interracial relationships are "pervert" and bad for kids.  But he still has a throbbing erection for Cassandra and wants to get her into the fantasy suite SO she gets a rose.  They kiss and I'm like-- oh, this must be the most awkward kiss they keep talking about. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, Elise asks Renee why she came on the show.  Renee says it's hard to date as a single mom.  Then she asks Elise why she came on the show.  Turns out, Elise was super close to her mom who recently died of cancer and she found a letter that her mom wrote to the producers of The Bachelor before she died.  Soooo....her mom's dying wish was for her daughter to go on the skeeviest reality TV show of all time.  Guys.  I hate to say it, but I don't believe this story for a freaking second.  This shit is SO made up.  I believe her mom died, but this whole "PS I love you, go on The Bachelor" was just the sob story she made up to get on the show.

Time for the group date!  The ladies are taken to the LA galaxy field where they get to watch Juan Pap Smear play soccer with Galaxy players who I assume are going super easy on him to make it seem like he's really good.  Let's take a moment to recognize that the girl who rolled up with a piano the first night is STILL on the show.  We have not seen a single conversation between her and Juan Pablo, so I'm pretty sure her days are numbered.  I don't even know what her name is, but I bet she spells it correctly. 

This group date is pretty uneventful, so I'll make it quick.  The girls are divided up into two teams and have to play a game of soccer against each other.  I'm not at all interested, because this isn't one of those dates where the losing team has to go back to the house.  Low stakes people, low stakes.  Plus, Chris Harrison isn't even there to give us a play by play so I have no idea what's going on.  Sharleen the Opera singer-slash-fake ABC contestant keeps getting kicked in the face with the ball-- clearly, the ladies are trying their best to ugly her up.  The red team wins and that means nothing to any of you, because seriously-- who cares?

The cocktail party is SO boring.  Why?  Because Victoria is not there!  I'm seriously second-guessing Juan Pablo's decision to send her home.  How great would it be if we got drunk Victoria in every episode humping a soccer ball and running through the stands screaming "Juaaaan Paaaablo!"  then maybe someone could choke on a soft pretzel and then die when she tried to give them the hymen maneuver.  God, I miss her so much it hurts.

Darling Nikki and Juan Pabs have a conversation where we learn she's very stressed out by these brief opportunities to speak to him.  Juan reassures her that she's definitely in his top five list of hottest ladies in the house and he's looking forward to a fantasy date where he can lick her tramp stamp and maybe graze his peen over it.  Okay, he didn't say that but only because English is his second language. 

Andi and Juan Pablo sneak off into one of the food stands, drink soda, and make out.  Oh, okay.  THIS is the most AWKWARD kiss they've been talking about.  I wonder if crime has gotten completely out of control in Andi's hometown because she's not there to put jaywalkers in jail.

Later, Juan Pubes is out on the field with Sharleen, who is seriously drop dead gorgeous wearing that white dress with the slinky back.  There is no way she isn't getting paid a million dollars an episode to be on the show.  All the other girls watch as he and Sharleen make out and all I can think is: oh, nevermind THIS is the most awkward kiss in bachelor history.  Or is it?  I thought somehow this would be confirmed for us by Chris Harrison. 

I'm now thinking how great it would be if on Martin Luther King Day Danielle (the last black woman standing) gets the group date rose, considering I don't think an African-American woman in the history of this show has ever received a group date rose.  OR a one on one date rose.  The only black woman I ever saw even get a one on one date was on Sean's season and he sent her home in the middle of dinner.  But I don't get my wish.  All we see of her on this date is a very brief cutaway where she tells Juan Pabs she was adopted and he like yawns and secretly hopes another girl interrupts them. 

Nikki ends up getting the group date rose which really upsets the other ladies who let Juan Pablo Picasso stick his tongue down their throats.

Back at the house, Elise is seriously shocked that her sob story about her dead mom didn't secure her the individual date and that Chelsie's name was on the date card.  I nearly went into a catatonic state when Elise tells Cassandra that she thinks Chelsie is too young for Juan Pablo.  CASSANDRA IS TWENTY-ONE!!!!!  Having a child doesn't mean she's capable of being a mother.  She left her kid! 

Juan shows up in a really hot checkered button down to pick Chelsie up and I instantly long for the days when he didn't say anything bad about gay people so I could still love him without feeling guilty or ashamed.  He picks up Chelsie and they rock out to his favorite Venezualan jam on their way to the date.  I'm not gonna lie.  Chelsie is one of my favorite ladies on the show.  Why?  Because I get the sense that she actually has a personality....which is why the producers decide to punish her with torture. 

Poor Chelsie gets the dreaded one on one date where you have to face your worst fear to prove that you are in it to win it.  She has to bungee jump off a bridge and she's---wait for it--- afraid of heights.  What follows is an excruciating sequence of this poor girl shaking and crying and freaking out that she won't be able to make the jump.  In my own demented head, I'm thinking: JUMP YOU, IDIOT.  You won't get a rose if you fuck this up!  Juan Pablo keeps telling her she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to, while all the bungee jumping guys stand around, totally annoyed and ready to kill her.

Juan Pablo tries his best to get her to calm down and says they'll do this together and then he even tells her it won't ruin the day if she doesn't jump-- but come on-- we all know she has a 99% chance of going home if she doesn't prove how fun she is.  So, FINALLY-- she jumps.  AND I feel myself breathe a huge sigh of relief.  This is actually what I like to call the anal sex test.  If you can talk a girl into jumping off a bridge with you, then chances are, you can talk her into anal.

Guys, guess what Chelsie says after they make the jump?  If they can get through this, they can get through ANYTHING.  Oh please.  Jumping off a bridge will not prepare you for cancer or infidelity or someone dying in a car accident.  Honestly, it can't even get you through anal sex. Dream sequence:

*Chelsie and Juan Pablo's future Fantasy Suite date*
Juan Pablo: Chelsie, do you accept this lube?
Chelsie: I don't know...
Juan Pablo: Chelsie, it's okay.  Remember when we jumped off a bridge together?  We can get through ANYTHING. 
Chelsie:  I know, but I'm really scared. I just don't think I can do it.  I want to, but I can't.
Juan Pablo: You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  We can still have fun.
Chelsie: Can I just have a minute to myself to think about it?
Juan Pablo: Of course.  Don't forget, we're doing this together.  My peen and your butt.  (whispers) There's a rose on the line.
Chelsie: You're right, I'll do it. 

End dream sequence.

During their dinner date, I actually think Juan and Chelsie have good chemistry and she could be a contender.  She doesn't seem any less mature to me than the rest of the girls, just slightly nerdier perhaps.  He gives her the rose and then they run off to some private concert for some guy I have never heard of.  For once, I'd love for them to run out and have U2 or Coldplay or Fleetwood Mac on stage.  That would be so awesome.

New day.  Back at the house, the ladies are all surprised to wake up and discover that Juan Pablo is in their kitchen cooking them a Venezuelan breakfast.   Wow.  Is it bad if this is enough to make me love him again?  Kelly Dog Lover is especially embarrassed when she goes downstairs to let her Molly out and has to cover her face because she does not want Juan Pablo Neruda to see her with glasses on and no make-up.  Is it just me or did she look prettier than ever?

You know who's totally unphased by it all and even gives Juan Pablo a hug, even though she hasn't brushed her teeth?  Renee.  Guys, if the world was fair, Juan would send all these ladies home and give Renee the final rose.  She's clearly the best person on the show.  She's so supportive of the other contestants, she's not a ho, she's actually age appropriate for marriage, and she's not petty or jealous.  But since there is no justice in the world, I think Renee will be let go before the other single mom on the show because DID YOU SEE CASSANDRA IN THAT BATHING SUIT?

Anyway, Juan Pablo announces to the girls that instead of a cocktail party, they are going to have a pool party so he can narrow things down by judging the women in bikinis.  What ensues is a bunch of girls getting jealous, because they're not used to dating a guy with fourteen other girlfriends.
Kat seems to be the girl who gets all up in Juan's grill and apparently acts different whenever the camers around around.  Translation: she's campaigning to be the next bachelorette.

Sharleen and Juan Pablo make out some more and he clearly is not interested in kissing her.  She takes that to mean that he's a tease, I take it to mean she's a bad kisser.  So is this the most awkward kiss in bachelor history?!  No, I just rewatched the kiss on the soccer field.  Yikes.  Was that Sharleen's first kiss?  Why is she chomping on him and not tilting her head at all? It's gross, but I still think Jamie and Ben still hold the title for most awkward kiss in bachelor history.  I couldn't even get through the clip I posted.

Back to the pool party.  Clare Bear is having an extra hard time with all the time Juan Pablo is spending with other girls and I get just a slight whiff of cray-cray here.  I know your type, Clare.  You're the kind of girl that acts all cool and fun and confident in the beginning and then you slowly unravel and become jealous, possessive, bitchy, and well, an ice queen.  Of course, Renee takes her to the bathroom and talks her off the ledge and Clare gets some sweet one on one time with Juan Pablo and Renee gets NOTHING.

Rose ceremony time.  For me, this was the most shocking rose ceremony ever, because I fully expected Danielle to get sent home when there was only one rose left and it was between her, Lucy, and trashy blond girl.  BUT NO!  Juan Pablo may hate gay people, but he's not a complete bigot.  He wasn't about to let the African-American girl go on MLK Jr. Day.  Phew!  I will say, I'm sad to see naked Lucy go.  She was actually entertaining and I really wanted to hear her talk about how Kate Upton is her best friend.  No I mean, HOW is Kate Upton her best friend?  Plus, now all the girls from my early predictions are gone besides Chelsie.

Guys, I have to confess.  I'm kind of bored with this season so far.  The show needs a villain.  We need another Courtney the model or Tierra the Terrible.  Bring out the bitch already, ABC!  Oh shit, I think it's going to be Camilla.  Did you see how she refused to eat chicken earlier in the episode?  She's going to come to the house and tell all these ladies who's boss.  She was BORN on Valentine's Day. She doesn't put up with any bull shit.

Camilla is NOT here to make friends.

Till next week...or Sunday when we'll be live-tweeting (west coast time) Sean and Catherine's wedding.  Follow us @theblowoff!

2 comments:

  1. first - THANK you - this season has been so boring but apparently the cattiness is coming out next week - get ready!

    the kiss was gross, renee should win and i was totally thinking that chelsie will be a finalist

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  2. also i'm not sure if they got this across enough or not - but there's a bachelor wedding this weekend.

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