Tuesday, January 28, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

How many of you watched Sean (McWhitey) and Catherine (Pocahantas) get married on Sunday?  I'll admit they're cute together, but how creepy was that honeymoon suite cam they kept showing?  We get it, ABC.  That's where they are going to bone.  So glad we got to see it or else I would have spent my life wondering about it.  Seriously, though-- I wish I was friends with them because I want all the intimate details.  Did they pray together before they had sex?  Did they use one of those sheets with a hole in it?  Did Sean last longer than four seconds?   I'm not recapping the wedding, but I did tweet it.  Click here for the play by play. 

Okay, back to episode four of The Homophobic Bachelor.

The episode begins with Juan Pablo saying good bye to Camilla because it's time for the travel portion of the show.  She does not look happy.  I'm guessing when he leaves she's going to go all Santeria on his ass and put some crazy curse on him.  One that makes him make crazy decisions like not kissing any of the girls except Clare.  I really don't understand how he can leave her for an extended period of time like this.  I thought he quit soccer to be with his daughter. I mean, I have horrible bouts of guilt every time I leave my dog to take a shower  Bad daddy alert, guys.

Chris Harrison arrives to give the ladies the 411 on this week and I'm starting to get really worried about him.  He's either on the divorce diet or he's developed an addiction to crack cocaine, because the man has gotten really skinny.  And I have no idea who is in charge of his wardrobe these days but I'm not sure why he's dressing like Cam from Modern Family. Anyway, he tells the girls they'll be going to Seoul, South Korea and they all shit bricks over it.  Really?  I'm sure South Korea is all sorts of awesome, but I'd be the girl that's like "poo. I wanted to go to Rome!"  But the ladies are super stoked.  My two favorite parts-- when Harrison says he'll be seeing them there and Kat is like "OH MY GOD!" Cause she's so shocked that he's not just sending his avatar.

And then of course there's Clare who's like "I don't even have a kimono!"  Oh hell to the NO.  She thinks South Korea and Japan are the same country.  Please GOD, after you help Sean and Catherine have sex, can you find a way to drop Clare off in North Korea where she can marry Kim Jong-Un and hang out with Dennis Rodman? 

The ladies arrive in Seoul and we are treated to a crap load of K Pop music which is just the thing this show needed to make it slightly more unwatchable.  Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon is super psyched to be here, because he has an affinity for Asian hookers and since Chris Harrison is the authority on the subject, he knows he'll get lucky.  The first date card arrives at the girls hotel room and all it says on it is POP. 

The ladies on this group date include: Darling Nikki, Cassandra 21, Kat the attention whore, Chelsie, Elise, and Danielle-- the token minority.  I will try to do my best with this recap, but I'm all kinds of disoriented that this episode is starting with a group date.  Way to shake things up, ABC.

Nikki is especially annoyed that she has to be on a group date, because all the other girls are annoying.  I tend to agree.  But you sort of have to love that the chick who deals with kids who have cancer for a living is turning into one of the bigger bitches in the house.  Personally, I think she's already said "I'm not here to make friends" but they edited it out. because it's become such a cliche.  I'm thrilled that Nikki is hating on the other women, because this season was in desperate need of a villain.  I only wish she wasn't a cross between Katie Holmes and Ali Fedotowsky.

The ladies are taken to their group date and between their shirts and their lipstick, there is so much fluorescent in this car, I'm getting a migraine just looking at them.  And they're not even in their K pop outfits yet. Side note: I'm pretty sure Cassandra has the IQ of Lenny from Of Mice and Men.

Things on the show get even more confusing when the ladies learn they are going to be background dancers for Korean pop sensations: 21.  Four Asian girls who have accents that make them sound like they're from the Bronx.  Was anyone else's head spinning purely by seeing four Asian women on this show?  MIND.  BLOWN.  I hope Juan Pablo gives one of them the group date rose.

Kitty Kat gets all sorts of excited about this date, because she's apparently a dancer and that means she's going to rock it.  When will these ladies get it through their thick skulls that being good at the thing you do on the date gives you absolutely no edge?  You can't like win immunity.  I figured we'd see more of Cassandra too since she was a professional cheerleader (don't let her near puppies, she'll accidentally kill them-- that's a literary reference) but she's sort of relegated into the background. 

I instantly fall madly madly in love with Nikki when she describes her outside face (smiling really big) and her inside face (rolling her eyes and wanting to kill everyone).  Um, hold up.  Those are my two faces ALL the time.  I bet you guys a million dollars that Camilla has the exact same outside and inside face.  I also love when she says that she hopes they're performing for the South Korean School of the Blind.  I hope you are too. For the sake of every innocent South Korean.

The ladies put on some terrible K-pop inspired outfits and get ready to perform with 21.  Dancing Kat is getting on everyone's nerves because she's trying way too hard with her over the top dance moves.  I feel bad for her though.  Clearly she's just in the throes of an epileptic fit from all the neon pink everywhere.  We keep hearing how huge the band 21 is in Korea as though that somehow makes up for all featuring Josh Krajcik on the show, but I call foul on this.  If they're so huge, why are they performing in a mall?

I have to feel sad again about Juan Pablo Picasso's gay comments, because he would have reached gay icon status after that dance sequence.

Holy crap, you guys.  I just Googled 21 and they actually spell their name: 2NE1.  They're my new heros.
               
We now arrive at the cocktail party portion of the date where all the girls are SHOCKED that there is a rose on the table.  Ladies, calm the fuck down.  Since the beginning of time, there has ALWAYS been a rose on the table.  Next time, ABC should put a mothefucking gun on the table and instead of handing out a rose, Juanuary should put a bullet in someone's head.

Kat gets some alone time with Juan Pablo and since she referred to her "How to Get a Rose" manual that morning, she decides it's time to show John Paul that she's not all fun and games and that she has a serious side.  Cue the Kat sob story.  The one thing that struck me about this is that she mentions how they really haven't had a chance to talk-- but these two had a one on one date together.  I know they spent the bulk of that time at a dry rave in Salt Lake City, but still.  We learn that Kat's dad is an alcoholic who's gotten SEVEN DUIs.  Say what?  How did he still have a driver's license.  I feel bad for Kat, but I'm also worried she skimmed her handbook and missed the part about how admitting you have a history of alcoholism in your family is going to make you lose ten thousand points.

Nikki starts talking to the other girls about how annoying Kat is and how she acts different when the cameras are around and everyone else gets really quiet, because these ladies are way too good for gossip.  In what might be the first time she talks on the show, Danielle says that Nikki talking shit makes her a bad role model for Camilla.  Is she nuts?  Camilla is ALL about talking smack.  I have it on good authority that Suri's Burn Book is her favorite blog (second to this one of course).  I imagine she and her future step-mother will stay up at night braiding each other's hair and talking about how Little Ricky has a busted face. 

Elise also makes a rookie mistake on this date when she already mentions to Juan Pap Smear that some of the girls will not make good moms.  I don't really blame Elise.  This was her last ditch effort to get a rose, but I get the feeling that Juan Pablo is resisting the urge to put her in a choke hold while screaming "don't ever question me!"  And Nikki gets the last laugh, because she gives a really great answer about Princess Camilla and how much she loves kids.  Although she references that she loves to change diapers and HOLD UP, CAMILLA DOESN'T WEAR DIAPERS YOU FUCKING WHORE.  (Editor's note: Camilla wanted me to type that.)

Juan Pablo decides to do the equivalent of feeding these girls a hot plate of shit by giving Nikki the group date rose for the second time in a row.  BURN.

Sharleen gets the one on one date in this episode and Juan Pablo even calls her his favorite right now.  Why?  Because she keeps it classy.  I'm very surprised that even though she kisses like her mouth is a paraplegic, he's still into her.  Guys, I fucking love Sharleen so much.  I'm a 110% positive that she's getting paid bank by ABC to be on this show and to say things like "I don't know if I'm into him" but this chick is a breath of fresh air.  Not to mention, she's stunning.

We get the obligatory South Korea tourist sequence where Sharleen and Juan Peter Paul and Mary walk around town tasting different foods and trying on "KIMONOS" and I'm slightly disappointed in Shar-Shar Banks for making a funny face while trying exotic food.  Come on, Sharleen, you're better than that. Or maybe I'm wrong and she's just french kissing the food.

Back at the house, the girls are extra confused as to why Sharleen is on the show and mention the fact that she's said Juan Pablo is dull (she's simply just stating the facts, girls.)  One of the producers then has to think fast and pull a fire alarm so the girls will evacuate the hotel and not get one step closer to the fact that Sharleen is an actress hired to go on the show to screw with all of our heads and make us think that normal respectable women who kiss like aliens also go on bad Reality TV dating shows.  Okay, we didn't see that happen but I'm assuming it was edited for time.

Watching Juan Pablo and Sharleen on their date makes me feel like I'm watching a bad rom-com.  She's the uptight opera singer.  He's the cheeky Latino soccer player.  Will he be able to pull the stick out of her ass?  Starring Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes in the role of a lifetime.

I will admit that when Juan Pablo makes Sharleen sing, it's all kinds of sexy.  And it's like a really big deal for her, because she NEVER sings this early for a guy.  Um, you're singing, you're not sticking his cock in your mouth.  Get over it.  She sings and that's when I realize we just witnessed her audition for ABC's live production of Madame Butterfly.  They kiss and at one point, I shit you not, Juan Pablo pulls away in disgust.  During dinner, their conversation gets so intellectual that I have to distract myself with backstage photos from the Grammys.  And then the topic of Camilla comes up....

Basically, we never really hear her say it, but the implication is that the only thing Sharleen wants coming out of her vagina is a tampon and a guy's penis after sex.  I love how she says that most of these girls would say "I wanted three kids yesterday" but she's been really focused on her career.  Because she has one.  I mean, if your career was "free spirit" or "dog lover" you'd want three kids yesterday too. 

I find her honesty refreshing and so does Juan Pablo, because he gives her a rose.  Meanwhile, Camilla starts constructing her Sharleen voodoo doll.

On the next edition of "group date" we have: Clare, Allison, Kelly, Lauren, Andi, Renee, and....those are the only people I remember.  We're subjected to yet another sequence of the ladies eating "exotic" food and Clare freaks out when they eat octopus.  I hate her, I hate her so much.  I feel like if this was the early nineties and an episode of Melrose Place, she'd be the girl who'd try to break up Billy and Alison.  She's evil is what I'm trying to say.  Kelly says that she knows Clare has swallowed bigger things than tiny piece of octopus.  Wait, has Clare swallowed a penis? More importantly, who the hell is watching Molly the Dog? 

Juan Pablo takes them to this building where a strange kid holding a teddy bear stares at them from the window.  WHAT IS THIS PLACE?  Turns out, it's just karaoke.  Nothing worth giving myself carpal tunnel for happens in this scene.

Time for the cocktail party and for everyone to freak out that there's a rose on the table.  Renee decides that she's done with taking care of all the crying girls and that this is the night she's going to get a kiss from Juan Pablo.  Turns out, this is also the night he decides he's not going to kiss anyone because of his daughter Camilla.  Why even let her watch this show?  And like, don't worry about it.  Camilla has already gone blind like the rest of us from watching you kiss Sharleen.  She can't see anymore.  Kiss people as much as you want.  But he draws a line in the sand and I just hope he sticks with it, because it'll be a serious dick move if he doesn't. 

He and Andi flirt. She's still really pretty.  He doesn't kiss her.  Lauren who is just far too normal for this show and would have much better luck on JDate, also decides that this is the night she's going to take the bull by the horns and seduce Juan Pabs.  This is not going to go well.  He tells her that he's got a daughter and he's not going to kiss anyone-- which is such a bullshit excuse because he's been making out with other girls left and right.  Lauren cries about it and says shit like "I'm such an idiot, I really screwed up, why did I do that????"  Meanwhile, Clare and Juan Pablo are making out.

You know how a guy instantly becomes ugly to you based on the kind of women he's attracted to?  Well, that's how I feel when Juan Pablo makes out with Clare.  She's the worst!  She's not that pretty. She's obviously not very smart.  She used her dead dad as a pawn in the game of getting a rose.  She's not cultured or an adventurous eater (octopus is as adventurous as eating a chocolate chip cookie).  She pretends to be all fun and easy-going, but she's actually a crazy psycho bitch that will fucking end you if you wait an hour to text her.  One day, she'll disappear and you'll suddenly find yourself framed for her murder.  That's Clare and Clare is very close to getting the final rose.

Side note: If ABC wants to make things interesting, they should have a new rule where crying on the show gets you instantly disqualified.

It would be kind of sweet if Juan Pablo gave Lauren the rose after rejecting her so bad, but instead, he gives it to Andi who better sleep with one eye open, because Clare might try to shave off her eyebrows in the middle of the night. 

Cocktail/Rose ceremony time!  Finally.  When it comes to the beef between Clare and Darling Nikki, I'm on Team Nikki.  They battle it out a little bit when Nikki (who already has a rose) interrupts Juan Pablo and Clare just as Clare is about to remind him about her dead dad.  Juan Pepper mentions to Nikki that there might be some issues in the house and she morphs into Maleficent and confronts Clare.  It turns out the ladies think Nikki acts differently around Juan Pablo than she does with the girls.  And the ladies think Clare is a fucking whore who spent her free time getting gang banged back home.  What?  They just think she's clingy?  Oh.  Sorry.

I really hope they keep Kelly the dog lover around, because when she and Andi do their impression of Juan Pablo feeding Clare octopus, it's hands down the most entertaining part of the episode.

I will say that Camilla is probably rooting for Clare to win, because she's a hair-stylist and Camilla wants a free blow out everyday.

Rose ceremony time.  I nearly fall off the couch in shock when Danielle gets a rose!  Sweet!  This might be the longest an African-American woman has lasted on the show.  Fingers crossed they're not just keeping her around so Juan Pablo can send someone home in the middle of a one on one date.  Proving that he has sympathy for no one, Juan Pablo sends Lauren home without ever kissing her.  And Elise gets the boot as well.  We're forced to watch a very long and awkward sequence of her walking away as she tries to move in her weird glittery mullet dress-- which totally reminds me of Donna Martin wearing that very impractical Mermaid costume in a Halloween episode of 90210.

Until next week, when the ladies and Juan Pablo travel to Vietnam.  Fingers crossed they end up getting kidnapped by Colonel Kurtz (google it).

PS How much did we all love the lip sync to the 2ne1 song at the end?  Two words: Gay icon. 

4 comments:

  1. my favorite part of last night's episode was re-enacting the sharleen kiss on my boyfriend. the finger spreading the lips apart... i mean WHO DOES THAT

    clearly people in germany kiss wird

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  2. I knew I could count on you to comment on the "I don't even have a kimono" comment. I mean, does Clare not know that Korea and Japan are separate places? Or does she not know that Kimonos are Japanese and not Korean? Or does she think that everybody is required to wear a kimono in "Asia", like it's a hijab or something? All options are disturbing.

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  3. The only thing I look forward to more than texting "Bachelor" smack to my homies during the show is reading your blog the day after.

    Thank you for so eloquently expressing my sentiments.
    And thank you for posting a link to the 21 (ahem, 2NE1) video. <3 them.

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  4. I am sooo excited they are going to Vietnam next episode. I've been waiting for this for so long!

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