Tuesday, January 7, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Season Premiere

My biggest complaint about last night's season premiere of The Bachelor is that there simply were not enough shirtless shots of Juan Pablo Escobar doing push ups, chin ups, sit ups, whatever ups.  It's been universally decided that he's the sexiest bachelor in all of bachelor history, yet we merely got a few shots of him doing a photo shoot (fully clothed) and a quick shirtless jog.  And then he did some really weird dance under an overpass that made me think for a second I was watching the live ABC production of Footloose.

I KNOW Chris Harrison had something do with this.  Later, when he says that no one on the show has generated more excitement from the fans than Juan Pablo, I'm pretty sure he's secretly plotting his murder.  (You know that scene in the preview where there's someone crying in a bathroom stall, saying they want Juan Pablo to die?  That's Chris Harrison in a wig.)

Okay, so we get the obligatory "learn more about The Bachelor" sequence (even though we watched an hour of it the night before.)  He lives in Miami and played soccer for seven years until he decided to "retire" after his daughter Camilla was born on Valentine's Day.  Ooooh, snap.  I bet Little Ricky wishes she was born on Valentine's Day.  She was probably totally born on a non-holiday.  I mean, I hate to bring kids into this but Camilla is about a thousand times cuter than Little Ricky and she can speak English better.  I guarantee ABC security has pictures of Little Ricky because they have to alert the authorities if she sneaks into Juan Pablo's house and tries to throw Camilla off the swing set. Anyway.  Juan is now some kind of sport consultant, which from what I can tell means he shows up at baseball fields and high fives the players.

Side note: here's a tip to all you ladies that are slightly uncomfortable watching this season of The Bachelor with your significant others, because you can't hide how attracted you are to Juan Pablo Picasso.  Focus on his eyes.  They're kind of small and beady and really close together.  It makes him about 1.5% less hot.  Trust.

We learn that Juan and his baby-mama were together for about two years, but things just didn't work out.  Seriously vague.  When people break up that quickly (especially after having a child together) there has to be cheating involved, right? And clearly she cheated on him because Juan Pablo is perfect and can do no wrong!  He's decided to come to LA to be the bachelor and find a wife/step-mom for his daughter.  Because the exact kind of woman you want raising your daughter is the type that would go on the freaking Bachelor.  He might as well say he wants Camilla to grow up to be a stripper and to start spelling her name Ckameeelah.

Sean shows up at the Bachelor house to give Juan Pabs some advice and immediately, I want him off my television.  He just looks so bland next to Don Juan de Pablo.  He gives him all the same advice we've heard a million times before and warns him he'll develop very strong feelings for multiple people.  Juan Pablo says some stuff back, but Sean clearly can't understand a word that's coming out of his mouth.  For once, The Bachelor really needs to be two-hours long, because Juan Pablo talks SO slow that it takes ten minutes for him to say "will....you....accept....this...rose?"

Sean even admits that Catherine Pocahantas wasn't on his radar till three or four weeks in, basically because he was distracted by girls that were prettier than her.  I will admit that I did think the anecdote he shared about him and Catherine hosing off his dog after it got sprayed by a skunk was really very cute and now I want the two of them to get married and stay together forever.

Juan tells Sean that his biggest concern is that he'll forget the girls names.  Basically, remembering a woman's name after having sex with her is not his strong suit.  Why don't they just make the ladies wear name tags?  As long as he just calls everyone Amy or Ashleigh or any name that ends with an EE sound, he'll be fine.

The most disturbing thing about the whole Sean/Juan Pablo exchange is that they discuss kissing strategy.  What, are these guys twelve?  The best part of their conversation is that Juan Pablo decides that instead of calling this a journey, he's going to call it an "aventura" (that's adventure in Spanish, guys.)  Oh my God, this man is a breath of fresh air. 

But enough about Juan Pablo Neruda.  (Did you see how hot he looked in a tux?)  let's move on to the ladies:

Chelsie, the perky blonde: spells her name wrong- check.  From the midwest- Check.  Works with kids- Check.  She's perfect.  I'm a little worried about her torso to legs ratio, but I like that she's goofy and has a sense of humor. 

Renee, the single mom.   I believe Renee is the only contestant with a child.  She has an eight year old son and seems nice, but she's 32 which makes her a senior citizen in Bachelor land.  Plus, I don't think having a kid will do her any favors.  Juan Pablo specifically said he wanted to find a stepmom for Camilla NOT a stepsibling.

Andi, the prosecutor.  It's a scientific fact that all women named Andi are intense and a little scary.  This Andi is probably the hottest girl on the show AND she's a lawyer which means she went to college.  I love how they make her job seem super cutthroat, but I'm pretty sure she just convinced a judge that the defendant should pay his parking ticket.  I mean, come on lady.  Being a lawyer doesn't count if you live in the town from The Andy Griffith Show.

Amy, the massage therapist.  POOR Amy.  She thought she was so special when the producers picked her to be on the show.  Little did she know, she was only filling their bug-eyed, bad bangs, crazy quota.  She looks like she's having an orgasm while giving a massage and says "I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me."  And yet, the only thing my husband pointed out that he thought was  weird about her was her teeth. 

Nicki, the pediatric nurse.  Not only does she treat babies, but she treats babies with down syndrome.  At first, I like Nicki.  Even though her hair is awful and she is the tenth person on the Bachelor to quote Carrie Bradshaw when she talks about wanting to find love, she seems promising.  My opinion completely changes when I notice her trashy back tattoo later when she's in an evening gown.  Keep those kids away from her!

Lauren, the tragic heroine.  Everything about Lauren-- from her hair to her gums-- is tragic.  We hear that she got engaged, we see her look at her wedding dress-- and just when I'm sure her fiance died in some freak accident, we learn that he actually dumped her.  Ouch.  I feel for this girl, but there's a small part of me that wonders if they were just engaged in her head.

Valerie, the farmer.  Crap.  Valerie was one of my early prediction picks, but I couldn't tell from her photo that she had bad teeth and was slightly cross-eyed.  She lives on a farm and has a bow and arrow.  She might actually think she's been picked as a tribute and this is the Hunger Games.

Side note:  How effing awesome would it be if the this was the Hunger Games?!  A fight to the death and the winner gets to marry Juan Pablo!

Lacy, the saint.  Nine of the members in Lacy's family have special needs and she opened an elderly care facility.  She's the greatest human being in the world.  I try not to get worried by the fact that the producers picked two girls who've had experience with kids with special needs.  I'm sure that has nothing to do with Juan Pablo's IQ.  I think Lacy should marry Drew from Des's season, because she won't be afraid of his sister.

Clare, the part Mexican.  Is this really the best the show could do on the Latina front?!  A white girl that's "part mexican"?  Define part Mexican.  Like did she have unprotected sex with some guy in Tijuana and just because he came inside her, she thinks that now makes her part Mexican?  Come on, you know you were all thinking the same thing.  I know Clare will be in the final two when she tells us her dead dad made a DVD for her future husband that no one has ever seen and she hopes she can give it to Juan Pablo.  We are so going to see that DVD. 

Okay, let's skip to the limo arrivals.  The BEST part of this sequence is that Juan Pablo has no shame when it comes to checking out the ladies behinds.  This must be a Venezuelan custom.  Like, the women there think it's super rude if you don't look at their asses and bite your fist as they walk away. This makes me happy, because clearly Juan Pablo is an ass man which means I might have a chance with him.  Back to the ladies:

*Amy L is a local news reporter and the first to get out of the limo.  My husband says she's his favorite so far.  Because he has a strange obsession with local news. 
*Cassandra, former NBA dancer.  Great, she and Juan Pablo have sports in common.  They stare at each other awkwardly for five minutes until she says the most overused line of the night: I'll see you inside.
*Christy.  Oh Christy. She's wearing a slutty Jessica McClintock wedding dress and a headband.  She's everything that's wrong with the world.  Juan Pablo clearly wants to bone her.
*Christine.  I can't remember for the life of me what she looked like, but she brought a gift for his daughter.  Well played.
*Nicki, the pediatric nurse.  She finds a very clever way to get JP to stare at her boobs by having him listen to her heart with a stethoscope.  Had she known he was an ass man, she may have had him listen to her rectum instead.  It doesn't matter. She's the one that gets the highly coveted fist bite as she walks away.
*Girl in red dress whose name I don't remember.  She smells good and makes him salsa dance. Real original.
*Chantal: One of the only two African-American women on the show (which is still better than SNL, guys).  She says she's going to teach Juan Pablo how to say her name.  I'm sort of wishing she pretends her name is Shaharlaqua or Shadynasty-- just so we can gauge the level of Juan Pablo's potential racism, but her name is Chantal which is super easy to pronounce.  
*Victoria from Brazil, where they apparently speak Porteugese and not Spanish.  What is wrong with those people?  And why does she have a valley girl accent?  When she's saying she's from Brazil, does that mean her great-grandparents went on vacation there once? 
*Lucy, the free spirit.  I'm very confused by Lucy.  Supposedly, she's besties with Kate Upton and when Chris Harrison surprised her with a rose on Sunday's special (a dream come true for him) she looked all kinds of hot.  Now, she sort of looks like Lena Dunham with hair extensions.  And why does she think it's okay to go barefoot in the Bachelor house?!  She's going to have herpes all over her feet when she wakes up tomorrow. 
*Danielle.  Hmmm.  All I wrote about her is "she's pretty."
*Lauren S wheels in a piano, then fucks it up when she hits the wrong key.  She's obviously a raging alcoholic.  I think it's cute that Juan Pablo runs into the house to get her name.  I wonder if he would have bothered if she didn't pass the ass test.
 *Chelsie is dorky with her little chemistry test, but I don't know why.  I'm into her.  Later, when she and Juan Pablo are in the photo booth and he asks her how many kids she wants she says, "all the babies." Good answer.
*Valerie, who thinks this is the Hunger Games and wears sensible cowboy boots so she'll be able to run for her life when shit gets real. 
*Ashley, the first grade teacher.  Her voice is deep which 100% confirms to me that she's actually a post-op Bruce Jenner. 
*Clare, the girl with the fake pregnancy bump and the hot pink dress.  Yes, ladies.  Fake belly bump is the fastest way to hook a guy.  Strangely, we know Clare makes it very far according to the previews.  I don't see it.  Especially when she tells Juan Pablo she's going to go in and play with the some of the girls.  She's clearly taking the flirty lesbo route.

Oh my God. I just realized there are SO many more girls to write about.  Ugh.  Why did they have to pick twenty-seven girls this season?  I'm going to just give you guys the highlights. 

Amy does not do herself any favors with her terrible dress.  Note to all women: don't go for the smushed boob look.  It's super hot when Juan Pablo calls Renee "mama."  Kelly, who lists dog lover as her occupation, brings a dog with her.  Clearly, it's an emotional support animal, but I also think the dog might get the first impression rose.  Sharleen must have been paid a million dollars by ABC to be on the show.  That can be the only explanation.  She's beautiful, but not in a conventional trashy bachelor way.  She's wearing a dress that Cate Blanchett would probably rock at the Oscars.  She's an opera singer who was living in Germany.  She has no sense of humor.  And she's not even into Juan Pablo.  She's either an alien life form or on ABC's payroll.  You be the judge.

When Andi gets out of the limo, the music suddenly gets very romantic.  This means she will make it very far.  I'm actually surprised that she's the last girl, because I fully expected Eva Longoria to show up and make a play for Juan Pablo herself.  I'm not worried though, they'll be dating in two months.

The rest of the show plays out like it normally does.  The girls all panic because they haven't had enough one on one time with Juan Pablo.  Of course, the producers could put them all on a schedule to talk to him, but then there would be no drama.  Because Sean gave his first impression rose so quickly last season, it's decided that Don Juan will take his sweet time.  I still think the dog will get it.

A couple girls do a couple super humiliating things.  Amy decides to give Juan Pablo a massage and it's the most awkward thing I've ever seen (until we get to the rose ceremony.)  Lucy (the girl who smells like menstruation) drapes her dirty bare feet all over Juan Pablo.  He declares to the camera that the massage from Amy was awkward and that the bare feet thing was strange.  I guess being hot just isn't enough for Juan, he also has to be the voice of reason on the show.

Here's the thing about Lucy.  She's a Fippie.  A fake-hippie.  I am willing to bet my life on the fact that she's fully waxed down there.

One girl has an emotional breakdown.  This is Lauren, the chick who was dumped by her fiance (it all makes sense now).  She starts panicking that the other girls are more confident that she is and that she's not good at swooping in and talking to him.  Bruce Jenner in drag tries to give her advice, but basically tells her to stop making a fool of herself.  The producers finally orchestrate it so that Lauren will get her moment and at first she seems slightly normal during their conversation and within ten seconds she tells him she got dumped by her fiance.  Who, wait for it, had a three year old son.  And they lived together.  And she's never seen his son again.  Dear Lauren, the worst way to try and sell yourself to Juan Pabs is to tell him another man did NOT want you to be the stepmom to his child.  Poor Lauren.  You just know she goes to the grocery store and chooses not to do the self check-out so she can tell the cashier that her fiance dumped her.  Spoiler alert: she does not get a rose.  I really hope she goes home and gets electric shock therapy stat and then gets Vince Vaughn's character from Swingers to tell her she's so money and doesn't even known it. 

Andi and Don Juan de Pablo Picasso get some one on one time and I'm pretty sure if these two ever have sex, the world will explode and we will all die.

And then there's Sharleen.  The ABC alien plant.  Juan Pablo proves that he's a national hero when he decides to give her the first impression rose, because she's classy and elegant and different from the other girls.  Translation: She's not a trashy ho-bag who has an automatic refill on her valtrex prescription.  The kicker is that we get scenes of Sharleen admitting that she's not really feeling an instant spark and that things feel kind of forced.  WHOA.  This girl is different.  She's not even talking about the rose or prince charming or soul mates.  And how could she not be in love with Juan Pablo already?  That's not a joke.  I'm seriously asking: how could she not be in love with Juan Pablo already?  All the other girls are stunned when she receives the first impression rose, because it means they may need to rethink their spray tans and tramp stamps.

Rose ceremony time.  The most amazing highlight and the most awkward moment of the entire episode is when Juan Pablo gives Kat a rose (I think that's her name) and Kylie steps forward, because in her demented brain-- Kat sounds like Kylie.  Juan Pablo is like nooooooo.... I mean, he's saying these women's names SO slowly, how could she have misheard?  Poor Kylie.  She did not stand a chance with that dyed red hair, the pink dress, and the pink lipstick.  Personally, I'm really grateful that I don't have to look at her ever again.

Best news ever: the dog gets a rose.  Putting her one step closer to a fantasy suite date.  I mean, the hometown date is in the bag.  How could Juan Pablo resist meeting her doggy family?

And one of my early predictions came true.  Amy, the masseuse (AKA the only girl with bangs) did not receive a rose.  Neither did Lauren who proceeded to have a mental breakdown and prove to the world that her fiance was the sane one in their relationship.

I'm thinking new final four: Sharleen, Clare, Andi, and Chelsie or the dog for the wild card.  We didn't see much of her in the preview for the season-- but we also didn't seem much of Catherine till the final rose on Sean's season.  Do you guys have any early favorites?  Comment below!

8 comments:

  1. I'm starting to think I'm the only girl in America who does not find this guy attractive. Not the accent, not the looks, not the personality...no bueno. I don't get it, what am I missing?

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  2. How many of them need to spell Claire wrong?

    Also, I know I'm going to get kicked off the website for this but Juan Pablo (as sexy as he is) was kind of... a fake toolbag. :/ Don't kill me!!!!

    Is the local news girl the one who has some odd way of moving her body? like her head is put on a little wrong or something?

    I need more girls to accept the rose all "i guess i'll accept the rose?"

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  3. You guys, we're talking relative to all the other bachelors. I just like to pretend he's josh lucas. Do you think if ABC ever actually has a black bachelor, he'll say things like "i'm the first black bachelor"? Seriously, the diversity on this show is terrible.

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  4. Oh Saara, so funny, but Im not that keen on Juan Pablo either, like ya he's ok but he just doesnt do it for me, but thats what makes the world go around. Everyone has different tastes i guess. I do have a couple favorites, but its too early to remember the names yet. I do like Sharleen but there is no way she will stay until the end (of her own accord Im sure).

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  5. Sooo excited to see the recap today I was getting antsy thinking I had to wait until Wedneday! Saara for the win!

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  6. I'm going to try really hard to have the recaps up on Tuesdays from now on. But come back on Wednesdays for other great blow off posts :)

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  7. I was very annoyed that Lacy was voted off and she barely got any screen time!

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  8. Ol' Puss-in-Boots!!

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