Monday, January 13, 2014

The Bachelor: A Male's Perspective

Editor's Note: My friend Tiffany (who I lived met at NYU summer school circa 2001) reached out to me last week to tell me her husband would like to give a straight male perspective on The Bachelor.  Um, YES PLEASE.  I would now like to give the following disclaimer-- the BLOW OFF does not endorse the views expressed in the below post. 

BREAKING NEWS: His name is simply Juan, but his hotness quotient goes into clit boner territory when you add on Pablo. Hi, my name is Terence, and I’m here to offer up a man’s perspective on this season’s ‘The Bachelor”.

Now, I’ve watched a majority of these shows purely as payback for the countless hours I have made my wife watch football (no, Juan, not soccer), and I can honestly say the show is not half bad. It’s more like three quarters bullshit. Want to know why? It’s because you don’t find love on television.
You find love the normal way, which is with a really good Internet package from your local cable provider, a valid credit card to open a dating website account, the best picture anyone has ever taken of you, and two of the biggest lies you have ever told, which is that you are funny and you like your family.   That’s love, motherfuckers.

Also, this show is growing maddeningly stagnant and stale, which frustrates me because this season would have been the perfect time to slip by some serious change being as every available and spoken for female in this country gets wetter than a mermaid whenever Juuuaaaannnn Pabloooooo curls an “R”. I mean, four minutes into the opening montage featuring this Latin Cyclops (Juan is seriously one inch from having a uni-orb), my wife looked like she ran a 5k. “Hey, Honey, remember me? Your knight in blinding paleness who speaks with a Jersey accent and has a knack for using the word ‘tits’ as a synonym for awesome?” Whatever. I’m totally going to have abs and a full body tan once I get the chair gym I purchased Sunday morning while watching public access infomercials.

But, seriously, how perfect would it have been if after all the introductions, John had the cojones to take the hand of the hottest girl, lead her up the stairs to one of the bedrooms, have a proper, American one night stand, only to have him casually walk down the spiral staircase moments later in a Terry cloth robe and into the living room where he presented the first impression rose to the girl with the emptiest cry. That’s television! But, no, all we got was a goddamn photo-booth lifted from some Bar Mitzvah. Way to think outside of the box, ABC.

Now, speaking of box, is it me, or were the first few ladies to exit the limos straight up dollfaces? I was truly shocked and impressed by the talent. Alas, once that fake red head with the pink dress and possible penis emerged from the limo, followed by her token bachelorette peers, it all went downhill, from the limo that seemed to make a pit stop at a strippers convention held at a local LA Tan, to the chick with the piano who I’m confident lived down the street and played her way onto the show right then and there. Of course, it ended quite well with the introduction of Andi, despite the fact she personifies the phrase “over-aggressive-hand-job” in my personal opinion.

Anyways, as Jon Paul (shit, I was trying to be sarcastic, but even that name got me a little wet) meets and greets all the women, this is when I get a real sense of who I think they really are. This is where I can see deep down into their soul, glimpsing at their dreams and true intentions. At least that’s what I tell my wife while I secretly focus specifically on their breasts and other “ass”ets. Take the first brunette: totally hot, hair up, fitting dress, great eyes, exposed cleavage. What was I talking about? Whatever it was, here is my “Top Ten Most Judgmental Takeaways” from the girls and everything else that occurred after we discovered that Juan has as much charisma as some guy slinging Armani suits at Nordstrom:
1) Alexis (pictured above) was hot. I say “was” because she didn’t even get a rose and is no longer relevant, but then again, I’m not even sure anyone other than herself knew she was present. Granted, at first, I thought she had one-pound eyelash extensions on, creating an inability for her to open her eyes past a centimeter, but she was still hot and worthy of what is clearly a superficial, “you’re hot enough” first rose. Shit, I just read her bio on ABC’s website where she listed her favorite book as ‘The Bible’. Don’t talk religion, Terence. Don’t do it. Stop. It’s not worth it, and it’s controversial. Oh, what a load of bullshit! The Bible? Come the fuck on!

2) Two chicks deserved the proverbial “possible-penis” pat down, and miraculously, one of them got a rose! I’ll let you judge which one I’m referring to, but Juan will have to learn the hard way. All be told, this just compounded my lack of respect for this Venezuelan, more so than when my wife yelled out “take me, Juan” mid-coitus.

3) Once, JUST ONCE, can the bachelor be a real and forgetful guy and give a rose to “you in the green dress”? If there is one bachelor who definitely did not know every woman’s name, it was Don Juan DeMoron.

4) How do you not keep the masseuse? You are NOT “marrying” 26 of these girls, so you might as well keep some for purposeful functions, such as midnight blowies and poolside massages. It’s not like she said she “sometimes” enjoys giving decent massages, she’s a GODDAMMN PROFESSIONAL MASSEUSE!!! It’s like he’s not even trying.

5) Let me tell you something, Sharleen, I’m onto you. You’re the classic dating website snob who espouses how “grand” Europe is and that you prefer men who are career-oriented. Play the game, or get off the field. You’re either above this, which means you’re conniving for coming on the show, or you are a soul-searching wallflower with classic female insecurities amidst the game of love, which means you’re a fucking idiot for coming on the show. Bottom line, Sharleen is my hopeful nipple slip contestant in the house this season.

6) Listen, I was raised by a single mom, so I love me some Renee and have nothing but respect for her (wait for it), but she’s a less attractive doppleganger of Lauren Conrad, and no one orders spam on a menu. In the words of Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”

7) Hi, I’m a native Oklahoman, a proud dog owner, and the classy owner of three body tattoos. I’m a mineral coordinator, which means I spend eight hours a day letting my boss stare at my breasts as I update my facebook statuses and read UsWeekly, and I was recently dumped via the phone by my single-father fiancĂ©, which though I say I am over it, I am zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

8) Shut the fuck up, Chris Harrison.
9) Man up, Juan, and choose Chantel, healing our racist history and mending the racial animosity that is growing in this country. I’m sick of only having “I totally knew a black kid in high school” as my only defense of an accusation of racism. Give me the opportunity to more substantially thwart any accusations of racism with “my best friend in high school was black, and I totally wanted Chantel to win.” The possibilities…

10) Last but not least, we have Lucy, the hippie with a trust fund. You make me sick, and oddly horny, but back to the sick part. Don’t you even try to pull this free will bullshit with me, sweetheart. You once organized a “50 person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico?” Get the fuck out of here! That’s like stating you once smoked a shit ton of weed in college. Eighty percent of the time I wake up on a Mexican beach I am fully nude. Seriously, who was in this hippie’s sorority? I want to know right fucking now. She has conformity written right above her ass crack in pink ink. Oh, Kate Upton is your best friend, huh? First off, who the fuck is Kate Upton? Okay, I just went to Wikipedia, and that’s pretty tits.  I love Lucy.

5 comments:

  1. This is amazing. I hope he comes back every week!!!!

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  2. Hahahahahahahahah! This is hilarious! You need to listen to Kevin and Bean for their recaps.

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  3. I don't think i'll be able to look at Andi again without thinking "overaggressive handjob"

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  4. Terence, you sound as self-involved as Juan-Pablo's grooming rituals...

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  5. Terence,you sound like a judgmental asshole trying to be a funny guy..but you really suck worse than Juan...AND soccer sucks but you'll be watching the World Cup this summer..enjoy

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