Monday, January 6, 2014

The Infamous Engagement Field & the BLOW OFF

The editor of this blog stands in a field with her now husband.  Photo credit: Picotte Photography 
While I am genuinely brimming over with joy for my many friends who got engaged this holiday season, I would like to submit to them all some helpful, not-at-all bitter thoughts on the engagement photos you will be taking for your save-the-date cards.

When selecting a location for your engagement photos, maybe be a renegade and avoid fields. You don't live in a field. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you probably don't even frolic in one all that often. In fact, I will be so bold as to say you have probably never even been to that field before. Ever. Yet there all you engaged people are, ticklin' each other's noses with dandelions in that goddamn field. Leaning up against the trunk of a mighty oak giving each other butterfly kisses. Fingering each other on an Amish quilt. Okay, that last one might be an exaggeration, but only a slight one.

I mean where even IS this secret engagement field you're all using? It's somewhere with a charming rustic fence, I know that much, cuz you're all making out on it in cowboy boots and flattering cableknit sweaters. I mean, did YOU select the field or do the photographers tell you all to go there? And hey, I mean, why haven't you ever invited ME to the field? What gives, guys? It's a fuckin' picturesque field. I would like to spend some time in it. What, just because I'm single, I don't get a field invite? That's racist. I bet you're all having secret engaged-people parties in the field that the rest of us don't even know about. I bet you go there together and drink fine wines and listen to Michael Buble and take a sacred blood oath to never disclose the location of the engagement field to single people. I bet you do.

And look, it's not that you don't look beautiful in the field. The sunset lighting is very flattering on you both, and the lush greenery framing your silhouettes is quite stunning, but I'm already jealous of your unfaltering love and the field just makes it worse. It's all a damned pack of lies, anyway. You wouldn't have just GONE to the field of your own volition. You don't just wake up hungover on a Sunday and say "morning babe! Ready for the field?!" YOU NEVER GO TO THIS FIELD AND I KNOW IT IN MY SOUL SO DON'T YOU LIE TO ME ON THIS TASTEFUL REFRIGERATOR MAGNET YOU HAPPY BEAUTIFUL DEVIL PEOPLE.

You know what I would like to see? Some REALISTIC engagement photos. Let's infuse a little honesty into these pics, guys. How about a few nice shots of you on the couch together in pizza-stained sweatsuits staring at the television with your eyes glazed over? How about a nice pictorial of you in a filthy kitchen screaming at each other over a credit card statement? THAT is the kind of thing I want to see every time I open the refrigerator door; not a charming pic of you both feigning spontaneous laughter against a backdrop of golden wheat. Ugh. Gross. Ahem. Sorry. Aaaaanywho! Congratulations on your engagement! I'm gonna go drink some wine coolers and fuck around on Tinder.

6 comments:

  1. first of all, i'm pretty sure my engagement photos will be taken on an iphone with the self timer app

    however, if we do professional engagement photos (i am not yet engaged) i was really excited to do them in my pajamas playin on my ipad while my boyfriend played his PS3 and the dog cried for attention...so we're on the same wavelength!!!! i love it!

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  2. PS - have you noticed people who do engagement photos in LA tend to do find the most random mountaintops with views of downtown LA?

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  3. Full disclosure: When I got engaged and was wedding planning, I thought engagement pictures were cheesy and thought it was money we didn't need to spend. BUT I totally caved after seeing so many cute engagement pics online and also decided it would be nice to have good pictures of us where we weren't in wedding attire. But there's actually a very practical reason to doing an engagement shoot. Unless you're a super model, it can be really awkward and weird to get your picture taken professionally. So you get all the awkwardness out of the way with the engagement photos you can feel like less of a freak of nature when you pose for wedding pics. basically, i've never looked better than i do in my engagement pics and no one can take that away from me! Erica, next time you're in town, we're going to the field together.

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    1. Deal. I'll be out there in February. Start looking at fields now.

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  4. This is completely beautiful. It's basically a poem from the root of the root, the bud of the bud. THANK YOU and you make me proud to be single with you, Erica.

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  5. Hear, hear! I live in the field, and it's really annoying to have all these engaged strangers fingering each other on their Amish quilts, while I'm trying to thresh stuff and till the wheat or whatever.

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