Thursday, January 30, 2014

the "it's annoying and not interesting" BLOW OFF

this is the same face i make when i find a facebook post "annoying and not interesting."
I don't even want to know how many of my Facebook friends have broken up with me (AKA hidden me from their newsfeeds) for:
A. spamming them with too many BLOW OFF links.
B. Writing too many status updates relating to the Real Housewives of every city,  The Bachelor, American Idol, and Shahs of Sunset.
C. going temporarily insane and posting something political.
D. Trying too hard to be clever and witty.  Although most of the time, I think I pretty much nail it.
E. Giving my opinions on movies as though I am the second coming of Roger Ebert.
F. posting pictures of my dog.

I will admit, it can take just one highly offensive post on my newsfeed and I will click the "unfollow" button. I did this yesterday and Facebook asked me the following:

 
I have a feeling the most popular response is: it's annoying or not interesting.  Since I am a chronic hider, here are some tips I think are worth considering in making your posts more interesting and less annoying.  Some of this is advice I need to take myself, so before you point out all my social networking flaws in the comments section-- keep that in mind.

Consider posting only two things a day-- maximum.  For some of us this is incredibly hard, but I have faith that we can do it. Maybe we can take that buzzfeed quiz and not share the results with everyone (okay, seriously though-- what is the fun in that?  I fucking love those things.)

Don't post anything on the weekends ever.  Facebook is for weekdays when we're bored at our desks only.

Pictures of food, babies, and dogs are basically the only reason I'm on Facebook, but consider relegating some of these photos to Instagram.  Seriously, if you are my friend-- I love your babies.  Please don't ever stop posting pictures of them.  My husband would probably like it if I stopped pausing episodes of TV to show him pictures of your cute baby, but don't worry about him.

There's two kinds of celebrity couples-- the type that gush about each other in interviews and walk red carpets together AND the kind who want to keep their relationship private.  Try to do the latter on Facebook as in-- don't write how much you love each other and how you love love blah blah blah.  Guess what?  We all love love.  You're not special, okay?

Avoid politics.  Unless you're sharing anything from The Daily Show or The Colbert Report or The Onion.  And unless you're a democrat.  (Suck it, Republicans!)

Don't be contrarian just for the sake of being contrarian.  There's another word for this: shit-stirrer.   I can't tell you how many things I've adamantly disagreed with on Facebook and had to force myself not to comment on just to avoid a comment war.  I fail at least twice a day.

Try to diversify.  There's this word I learned recently on last week's episode of Parenthood called "perseverating--  it's when you talk about one subject and one thing for an extended period of time. While you may find it interesting, other people generally find it annoying.  Don't do that on Facebook.  Maybe write about something other than your pregnancy or your love of Reality TV. (Although what's the point of Facebook if we're not talking about the Joyce/Jaclyn scandal on RHOBH?) Also, you're allowed to talk about wine as much as you want.

Don't be mean or grumpy or feel sorry for yourself on Facebook.  That's what we all have our own blogs for.  Unless you're being funny at the same time.  Funny trumps mean.

What's with the really long status updates or the scripted ones?  Keep it short and snappy, people.  No one needs a play by play of your entire hilarious conversation with the mailman.

For the love of GOD, stop with the inspirational quotes.  I'm going to start a new site called Inspirational-Quotes-A-gram.  And you guys can all post those quotes there.

For the love of GOD, stop writing about GOD.  If you want to tell everyone how much you love Jesus, then go knocking on doors like every other self-respecting religious person.

With that, I urge you all to find your very own Facebook icon.  That person on your newsfeed who's your favorite.  The one whose posts you always "like."  The type that only graces us with their social networking presence every so often and when they do their shit is hilarious.  For me that person is my cousin's husband DARYL DARYL (not his real name.  That's how cool he is, guys).  Yes, he might reference tennis a lot (ask him how he feels about Federer. He hates him.) and he might make you feel just jealous enough with his world travels, but he's funny as all hell and posts weird pictures like this one:
With captions like this: This guy seems really bummed about his crooked spine. I guess he's totally okay having no arms.

If Daryl Daryl hid me from his newsfeed, I would probably die of shame. And then change my name to Saaara Saaara and only post about tennis.

Okay, now let's all forge ahead together by being less annoying and more interesting!  In the words of President Obama: Yes. We. Can.

4 comments:

  1. PARENTHOOD!!! (You should be writing about the biggest, saddest, most heart wrenching Blow Off in television history: Julia and Joel.)

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  2. LOVE THIS.

    And ditto Anonymous. Props on the Phood reference (can someone please tell me why Max doesn't have multiple Emmy's??) be we gotsta get your take on the Joelia drama. I pretty much lost it when they told Sidney and Victor and I usually hate both of those kids.

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  3. I want to be friends with Daryl Daryl....

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  4. I'll totally do a post this week on Joel and Julia. I have so many opinions on it.

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