Wednesday, January 29, 2014

the top ten people to AVOID in the dating pool

Ladies & Gents, I've done the research.  I've single-handedly interviewed ten million people via phone.  I've held focus groups in every major city and country in the world.  I've had a lot of boozey brunches with my girlfriends.  And I've dated about five guys pre-marriage.  Also, when channel surfing, I often stop on Millionaire Matchmaker.  When it comes to dating, I'm basically like the Michael Sheen character in Masters of Sex.  I think all of the above more than qualifies me to create a list of the top ten people to avoid in your dating pool.  Oh, also-- nine out of ten doctors agree with this list.  The one doctor that didn't is the same guy who killed Michael Jackson.  Let's do this:

10. The girl who's obsessed with Pinterest.  Let me break it down for you.  Pinterest is cool.  I've used it and I like it.  But people that are super into it tend to be great on the planning front and not so great on the execution front.  She's the type of girl who loves to talk about all the things she wants to accomplish in life without actually doing any of the things required to meet those goals.  Also, she might have a dream wedding board.
 9.  The guy who's obsessed with video games.  I've had several close friends end long term relationships with guys who were video game addicts.  These are the types of dudes that are so into gaming, they'd rather play World of Warcraft than have sex.  It's kind of an epidemic.  In fact, my first serious boyfriend now designs video games for a living-- which is actually awesome because he gets paid doing what he loves and hopefully when he gets home from work the last thing he wants to do is play video games.  (Full disclosure: I kind of have an addiction to Words with Friends.)
8.  The girl who forces the state of the union address on you thirty days in.  If she wants to know where things are going after one calendar month, then it's only going to get worse from here.  The girl that puts pressure on you to make things official is always going to have an insecure streak.  And chances are in 12-18 months she'll be tapping her foot, wondering why you haven't proposed marriage yet.  Note: if you've been "dating" for 3-6 months, it's totally valid for her to ask "where is this going?" But it's never okay for her to secretly quote Sex and the City in the process.
7.  The super sensitive guy.  I know, I know.  They're SO attractive.  They're like Edward Scissorhands-- they're scared if they hold us, they'll hurt us.  They probably play a musical instrument and would never dream of owning a Kindle.  But ladies, I promise.  The only person's needs they're actually sensitive to is their own.  Super sensitive is just a cover for completely self-absorbed.
6. The girl who has no girlfriends.  RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND.  Dating someone that has no friends is always a red flag, but dating a girl who has no real girlfriends is like a category five kind of problem.  She'll tell you women are jealous of her, but that's not true.  Women actually like to be friends with women they're jealous of.  The truth is, women don't like her because we can spot an evil psycho bitch a million miles away.
5. The guy who's really busy.  All the time.  This is the guy that warns you on your first date that he's REALLY busy right now.  This is a classic male excuse.  He won't tell you he's busy all the time, it's just that presently while he's dating you things are really crazy at work.  Basically, this is his way of saying, "If I don't like you and want to avoid you, I'm going to use the busy excuse.  BUT if it turns out you're cool and I'm into you, then suddenly my work-load will be totally manageable."  If he's already figured out his exit strategy on the first date, then that's not a good thing. 
4. The girl who won't pay for anything.  Look, as long as we still make 77 cents on the dollar, then I do think it's okay for men to pick up the slack when it comes to paying for things.  But a girl that NEVER reaches for her credit card or offers to buy you a drink is probably a little spoiled.  It's not about keeping score or taking turns treating, it's about being generous to each other.  Ladies, if you are adamantly opposed to paying for a meal, then at least find other ways to show your generosity (not blow jobs, geez!  I meant like, sweet cards and thoughtful gifts.)
3. The guy who still doesn't have his shit together.  Look, if you're in your twenties chances are most of the men you meet probably still won't have their shit together.  That's okay.  That's why you date guys in their thirties.  But if the guy is pushing 40 and still hasn't figured out what he wants to do with his life, then that's a serious red flag.  The issue is two-fold.  Men just don't do really well with women who are more successful than them (See the movie Little Children) and if it's passion they're lacking when it comes to their career, then they might also lack it when it comes to their relationships.
2. The girl who's a control freak. I had to put this one on the list, because I'm what I'd like to call a recovering control freak and it's caused a lot of issues in my relationship.  (I still have major control freak tendencies, but I'm working on it).  Being with a control freak can be-- how should I say this-- emasculating at times.  We have a hard time rolling with the punches and tend to fall apart when things don't go as planned.  And then when the guy lets us take care of everything (cause they know that's deep down what we want) we still resent them for making us take care of everything.  If you too are a control freak, here's a piece of advice that's really helped me: learn to love Plan B. (that's not a morning after pill reference, it's what you end up doing instead of the thing you thought you were gonna do.)
1. The guy who's ALL IN.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, this is the most dangerous man in the universe and we've all dated him.  He's basically an emotional terrorist.  This is the guy who's ALL IN right out of the gate.  He calls, he makes dates, he tells you he's into you, and maybe even says things like "I'm gonna marry you someday."  You don't even need to have a state of the union address with him, because you know where things are going: you're going to have babies someday.  This is the way relationships are supposed to be, you think.  And then WHAM.  He starts acting weird.  Stops calling as much.  And then freaks out and disappears completely.
So, that's it.  Those are the only people you need to avoid aside from serial killers and sociopaths and people much younger or much older than you.  That's not that hard right? 


  1. Fellow control freak here. You hit the nail on the head. It's like let me do it my way because I do it better! Then why the hell don't you ever help me with anything? Luckily I have a patient husband who rolls with the punches and has taught me to chill the eff out.

  2. I take some solace in the fact that both of the admitted control freaks have husbands.

    1. we used mind control to get them to marry us.

  3. Ugh, I totally dated the ALL IN guy. After a 5+ year relationship ended, I dated this guy about 4 months later and it threw me off so bad! I thought, this is how it should be! Amazing! My friends were all "you are so going to marry him, this is it! It was all meant to be!" Cut to two months later he literally does what is in that gif -- drove off and never saw him again. Live and learn...if they want to take you on vacation to meet their parents and leave you cute little notes about how amazing you are all over your apartment after 3 dates...RUN.

    1. Those men should be thrown into guantanamo bay.

  4. Met All In Guy about 2 months ago, and he's bolted. I agree, he was so much different than others and thought this maybe it... but of course it wasn't. Sad part it he keeps checking in every 3-4 days for about two weeks now, and I keep hoping for a miracle. So I think I am just gonna stop hoping for anything with this guy after seeing this post.