Wednesday, February 12, 2014

25 things every woman should know

So, everyone on Facebook keeps posting these Huffpost lists-- you know the ones.  10 things all emotionally stable people do.  5 rules to a happy marriage.  30 things to do before you're married.  25 things every woman needs to know.  I like these lists.  I click on these lists all the time.  But some of these writers are kind of phoning it in.  Here's one example from 25 things every woman should know:

3) You should resolve to be awesome for the rest of your life. Right now. Do it.

WHAT?  That's someone's idea of actual advice?  No offense, but it's kind of the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I don't care what this lady says-- I will not try out #6 (Tuna with bbq sauce.)  So..we at the BLOW OFF have decided to make our own list.  Ahem:

1.  You're not the only one with nipple hair.  It's okay, don't be ashamed.  There's a thing called Laser Hair Removal and it works. Jury's out on whether or not it causes cancer.

2. Yes, you should hold it against him if he asks you out, then agrees to split the bill.  Remember, we make 77 cents on the dollar.

3.  If you adamantly believe in soul mates then you also need to adamantly believe in the tooth fairy.

4. Totally get the HPV vaccine.

5. Let's stop asking each other when we plan to have babies.  If your friends feel like talking about it, they'll volunteer the information.

6. Pedicures are cheap and necessary and need to happen every two to three weeks.  There's no shame in asking to skip the foot scrub if you're really ticklish.

7. Vanderpump Rules is the best show on television.  You need to stop everything and watch that shit right now.

8. Don't beat yourself up about being judgmental.  When was the last time you heard a man described as being judgmental? It's not because they aren't, it's because it's not considered bad when they do it.  Plus, if no one judged anyone then there would be complete anarchy.

9.  You know all the contestants on The Bachelor?  Be the exact opposite of them.  And future moms, don't give your daughters common names only to misspell them.  There's only one real way to spell Ashley.

10.  God does not care if you have pre-marital sex. In fact, God thinks it's really weird and creepy that you think he cares.  He told me that yesterday over dirty martinis.
10b.  Drink dirty martinis.  They'll make you feel cool.

11. There are parts of the brazilian wax that hurt way less than others.  You'll be surprised.  Take Ibuprofen anyway. 

12. Even if you're naturally skinny, you should still exercise regularly.  Ten out of ten doctors + Gywneth Paltrow would agree with me on that.  Also, I HATE YOU.

13. It's important to have your own bank account even if you have a joint one too.  Who knows when you'll have to disappear in the middle of the night and change your identity and swim across an ocean even though your husband thinks you can't swim?  (If you don't understand this reference, then my heart hurts for you.)

14. Sex and the City is still a better show than Girls.  It just is.  I'm sorry.  That's a fact.  I mean how often do you STILL say "this is just like the time when Carrie and Big blah blah blah"?  

15. Yes, there does need to be a SATC3, because they need to redeem themselves after SATC2.  And Michael Patrick King needs to invite back all of his female writing staff to help him write it.  Who cares if they're old.  Would anyone ever say there shouldn't be another Star Wars movie, because Harrison Ford is too old?  This isn't really anything every woman needs to know, it's just something I felt compelled to bring up.

16.  There's no love you can get from any man that's worth replacing the love you get from your girlfriends.

17. Lifestyle blogs are the real terrorists.

18. One of the happiest times in your life will be that period between getting engaged and planning a wedding.  Try to make it last.

19.  Therapy, life-coaching, any form of self-improvement is necessary for everyone.  At least try it out before deciding you don't need it.

20. If you can't get along with other women, then perhaps you need to consult a doctor about transitioning to be a man?  Because that could be the only explanation.

21.  If you've been together for a year and he still hasn't said "I love you" then seriously what's the point.  Why be with someone who needs more than a year to fall in love with YOU?

22. It's just as important to move for a job as it is to move for a guy.  Maybe even more important.  

23.  There absolutely is a statute of limitations to how often you can talk to your friends about the same guy.  They will let you know when you've hit it.  It's just like that time on Sex and the City when Carrie and Miranda get into that "no calls, no crying" fight.
           
24.  It's good to know our personality flaws.  We don't need to dwell on them or even change them, but especially once you hit your thirties, it's important to at least recognize them.  (Here are a few of mine: impatient, stress case, insecure, bitchy, control freak)

25. Panty liners.  Buy them and wear them all the time.  They will set you free.

5 comments:

  1. I totally hate myself for agreeing with #7. Did you see the reunion?

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  2. I LOVE this. But you lost me on #25! XO

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    Replies
    1. it's for that not so fresh feeling!

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  3. 77 Cents? Bullshit.

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  4. Thanks for the saaara! Great write up, no.1 makes me feel better :)

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