Monday, February 3, 2014

A Male Perspective on The Bachelor: Episode 4 recap

Writing this column is beginning to take years off of my life, not to mention the sudden unexplainable presence of estrogen in my bloodstream. With my wife, I used to watch this show from the periphery, yelling at the television when my ears caught a moronic blurb about how chick A fell in love with the dude she hung out with on a group date, but now we sit around braiding one another’s hair as I am dedicated to watching this with a keen eye as to formulate humorous quips for this column. I seriously want to throw my television out the window and cancel my cable subscription. This show is destroying my life. I would totally challenge Chris Harrison to a fight if I didn’t have this strange feeling he’s one of those little dudes with a third degree black-belt in karate, just waiting to immediately punch me in my throat and walk away with my wife if I ever threatened him. See, I can’t even fathom beating up Chris Harrison anymore! I’m fucking useless, which brings us to the episode four recap.

Episode four starts off with a quote uttered by every chick to ever appear on The Bachelor: “you’re one way with the girls, and another way around him.” Translation: you are too normal, and it is freaking my crazy fucking brain out. Do you realize relationships as we know them would cease to exist if you took the manner in which girls always behave when amongst their female peers and placed that same behavior in the presence of men, specifically a significant other, on a constant basis? Look, take two girls and place them in a room, you get a possible civil conversation. Place another girl in the same room, and you get a possible pillow fight. However, if you dare add anymore girls to this room, you are inciting a possible WWV. That’s right, World War Vagina. “What did you whisper to her?” “None of your business, bitch.” “Oh, like I care anyway what you say, fat neck.” “Who you calling fat neck, fake titties?” That was an actual transcript one of the cameramen sent me. I rest my case.

On a lighter note, I’ve discovered that I could watch hours upon hours of little kids speaking Spanish to their parents. Is that a television show? Does that exist? No idea what is being said, but it’s amazing. It’s like listening to Enya. Anyways, it’s trip time in the bachelor house, and the girls find out they are packing their bags (and for Kat, an extra large box of condoms), and heading to South Korea. First off, I had no idea South Korea was this popular in the world of women. These girls took on the role of Powerball winners.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!! WE’RE GOING TO SOUTH KOREA!!!!!! MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!!!! Said no chick ever. I’m 100% certain they had to re-tape that sequence a few times.
CHRIS HARRISON: Pack your bags, Ladies, you’re going to South Korea!
CHICK A: Where’s that?
CHICK B: Is that near Paris?
CHICK C: I don’t eat Chinese food.
CHRIS HARRISON: Alright, producers, can we get some cocaine and champagne in here!
**two hours later**
CHRIS HARRISON: Pack your bags, Ladies, you’re going to South Korea!

So, the girls make it to Seoul, South Korea, where they arrive at their hotel to find date card number one. It’s a group date, which means one of the girls is going to witness her “future husband” making out with another chick. The names of the group daters are listed off, and then we see the card, which simply reads “POP”. Instantly, Kat is totally like, “oh, maybe it will be my cherry,” and then one of the mean girls is like “yeah, right, you must have like 83 cherries.” That’s right, WWV. The shit doesn’t even need to make sense, which brings us to the theme of the group date: real life cartoons. That is what Asian pop-culture is: real life cartoons. In South Korea, they have two stations: the cartoon network and the cartoon network. No wonder acid and hardcore drugs are so vilified out there. Could you imagine walking around the streets of Seoul on acid, only to find your way into a mall where a pop concert was taking place? You would probably run your way into a bathroom only to look into a mirror and see a hello kitty face. I’m actually convincing myself to go to Seoul, South Korea.

Back to the group date: ends up the girls and Juang are going to perform as back-up dancers for one of these South Korean, virtual reality pop groups. Cassandra is like “this is perfect, I used to be a dancer,” and Nurse Nikki is like “I’m not good at dancing,” and Kat is all like “where’s the pole?” You get the picture: they dance, no one hits their marks, but everyone has fun, and I have five minutes of my life I’ll never get back. After the girls’ performance, fans are taking pictures of the bachelorettes, which is really confusing the girls, as nothing is more strange than groups of Asians taking inordinate amount of pictures. As for the post party, we find out Kat had a tough upbringing as her father was an alcoholic, but her parents got divorced when she was really young and her mother was an amazing single parent. Cue Americans across the country yawning over this blatant hypocrisy borne from a shallow attempt to make oneself appear wounded. These girls really have no shame, which brings us to Negative Nurse Nikki, who will say what she wants to say, when she has something to say, especially if it’s about someone who is not currently near her. This is like watching Braveheart.

Back to the hotel, where a new date card is delivered. Chompers is getting real bitter these days. Is it me, or are her teeth getting bigger the angrier she gets? She could take a bite out of a strawberry from two feet away. Anyways, Solemn Sharleen gets the one on one date. She doesn’t even care. I think she shredded the card. I fucking love this chick. She is driving these girls cray! Shit, I can hear Chompers grinding her teeth all the way from across the Pacific. I mean, what is Sharleen’s problem? How could she not have seriously deep feelings for this man, yet? Blue Lush almost pooped her pants on her first date with Juang, and she’s ready to conceive his second child. Kat is willing to drop out of stripper school, Elise is ready to breastfeed Camila, and Unemployment Insurance lost her dog when she passed out on Quaaludes, but fucking Sharleen is feeling nothing?! Wait a second, did the producers put a normal, rational chick on this show? What the fuck is going on? I’m way too confused to continue on, so we need to go straight to our “Top Ten Most Judgmental Takeaways” from Episode Four:

1)    Renee doesn’t see Sharleen as the type of girl to change diapers or get puked on by a baby. No, Renee, that’s why you’re there. You’re the fucking nanny! We know it, Sharleen knows it, the other girls know it, Juang knows it, and the producers who didn’t want to pay for a babysitter for Camila definitely know it. Which brings us to point 2:

2)    NEVER KISS THE NANNY!!! Way to fuck up all the promiscuous kissing that usually takes place on a group date, Nanny Renee. When Juang grabbed you first to go and talk, he did so because he wanted an update on Camila’s homework and sleep patterns, not to kiss you! You ruined it for all the girls!

3)    If Sharleen ever does have a child, it will most likely become a prodigy lawyer who ends up being the public defender of one of the other girls’ daughters who is arrested for public streaking while intoxicated on their 23rd birthday.

4)    We’re on a Sharleen streak here, folks. She is the front-runner! Did you see her rose ceremony dress? You couldn’t even see her ankles! The other girls were like “how come you’re not wearing a dress like ours that shows off 92% of your breasts?” Sharleen is singlehandedly producing the biggest set of blue balls any bachelor has ever felt. Juang may have to leave the show and enter masturbators anonymous.

5)    This show is straight up Groundhogs Day. Same people, same house, same vacations, and same situations, specifically how every girl, every season, becomes the self-proclaimed consigliere of the bachelor. “She’s not right for him. I would hate for him to end up with the wrong person. She’s a totally different person around us than she is around him. I wouldn’t want her around my daughter. I will cut that bitch.”  Which brings us back to Kitty Kat:

6)    Did you see how petrified all the girls were during the rose ceremony? Kat was ready to slice some chicks up. You know she always has a knife taped to her inner thigh. Even Juang doesn’t know what to do. When it was down to the last three chicks without a rose, he turned to the producers and they were emphatically pointing to Kat in sheer horror and pantomiming “CHOOSE HER!!” Damn right Kat got her rose. Strippers don’t fuck around. Figuratively, that is.

7)    Chompers is scared to eat octopus? You’re in South Korea, honey! You should be happy they didn’t make you eat octopus testicles.

8)    Sharleen has operatic orgasms, right? I mean, it’s questions like that which get you a Neil Lane ring.

9)    As the final girl was eliminated and subsequently interviewed, my wife commented, “Wow, she’s not even crying.” I immediately stated “Give it a second.”

10)    You’re damn right she started crying! This is “The Bachelor”. If you don’t cry over a man you’re in love with even though you’ve never kissed him or spoke more than a few sentences with him, then you’re pretty fucking normal, and we don’t want your garbage.

1 comment:

  1. I love all the references to Renee being the nanny and the way the South Korea announcement actually went down.