Monday, February 10, 2014

A Male Perspective on The Bachelor: Episode 5 recap

Let’s get something straight. Viet Juang is not marrying one of these chicks. The dude lives in Miami. Do you understand how much Miami ass he is getting every night of the week while this show airs? Have you ever been to Miami? Screech gets ass in Miami, okay? Fucking Urkel has one-night-stand gangbangs in Miami. Viet Juang? Forget about it. Dude is diving into pools of vagina. When he sits down at a South Beach restaurant and opens the menu, the waitress’ panties are already inside. Oh, hey, it’s Terence, back again with an episode five recap of ‘The Bachelor’, or as I like to call it these days: Shoot Me, Please.

But, hey, anything is possible on this show. Maybe Viet Juang will find love. Who knows? Shit, maybe he willingly slides his penis into one of the girls one night, only to muster up the moxie to tell that same girl the following night that he feels as though her actions amounted to subtle rape. Sure, that would take some serious balls to pull off, but stranger things have happened, right? I’m kidding, that would never happen. No man on this planet is THAT classless!

 So, it’s the beginning of episode five, and the girls have arrived in Vietnam, where instead of presenting you with leis as you disembark your plane, they hand out designer scarves, or as I like to call them, small-titty camouflage. As the girls walk around in their designer scarves, one of their voices is heard off-screen stating that “Korea had its beauty, but this is like nature, it’s water, it’s trees, it’s the sun, it’s beautiful.” We’re gonna start calling this girl “cavewoman” as soon as I develop the resolve to figure out whose voice it was, but fortunately for her, that will most likely never happen. I do, however, know for a fact that it wasn’t Sharleen who stated this, as the comment was not organic enough to come out of her mouth. Sharleen is way too organic to state something so simplistic and inorganic, know what I mean? On a side note, if you read this column but don’t watch this show, you are probably shaking your head and wondering what the fuck I am talking about, and I applaud you for that. Stay strong, my friend, and keep avoiding the dark side.

The first date card arrives, and it goes to Nanny Renee, who I am pretty sure is the lesbian lovechild of Jennifer Aniston and Lauren Conrad. They meet in beautiful, downtown… I have no idea where they are, actually. What I do know is that the water is yellow, the heat is unbearable, and everyone wears surgical masks. They are seriously a few zombies away from being in a horror flick. First they went to South Korea, and now Vietnam? If I were one of the girls, I would be fucking pissed. I mean, where to next, the slums of Bangladesh? Yes, I am yuppie scum.

Anyways, back to the date, where Viet Juang and Nanny Renee meet, hug, and exchange excessive perspiration. Oh, hell no! Is this dude REALLY pushing his “nanny” around in a giant stroller? Is this metaphorically ironic shit really happening? Sigmund Freud is getting a posthumous chubby from this scene. My mind is seriously blown, but as the date progresses, it really gets sadly uncomfortable. It had the feeling of being on a double date with another couple you set up, only to find out half way through the dinner that they are second cousins through a distant aunt. The best is how Viet Juan continually drops this inane line about how he doesn’t want to disrespect her eight year old son by kissing his mother, yet he had no problem whipping his dick out the first five minutes of his date with Cassandra. Guess the little black kid back home in Detroit gets no love from the Juangster, which brings us to The Bachelor commercial: “Are you interested in becoming the next racist, homophobic bachelor? Go to w-w-w dot classless whore of a man dot com to register.”

Obviously, Nanny Renee gets the rose, and even more obvious, she doesn’t get a kiss. I am seriously looking like a seer these days. I mean, I’m surprised ABC hasn’t issued a gag order on me, yet. Speaking of gagging, it’s group date time, and the Juangster and his concubines row down a river and – fast forward – Chompers definitely palmed the Juangster’s juang in that pool. Are you kidding me? Good for her. You get some, girl! Chompers also gets the group date rose, which only makes sense since she served hers up on a platter. Shit, this girl won’t stop. It’s now post group date back at the hotel, and Chompers pulls the classic “Oh, excuse me, I’m just going to go outside and walk around and maybe trip and fall head first into Juan Pablo’s balls.” What is this girl thinking? Does she really think a quick romp in the Sea of Syphilis is going to get her a Neil Lane setting? Whereas Sharleen wants to be seen as a panda in a room full of brown bears, it’s pretty obvious that Chompers wants to be the masturbating monkey in the corner. More to come on this development, but we have another date to dissect.

The last date of the episode is with Negative Nurse Nikki. Honestly, the only thing I wrote down was “if someone is taking me into a black hole of a cave, my first question is not how are we getting down, it’s how the fuck are we getting out.” I really miss football, which brings us to the pre-rose-ceremony-five-minute-wife-audition-party-time, where shit gets real. Did anyone hear Bill Maher use the term “slut-shaming” this week? Holy shit! The Juangster brings slut-shaming to a whole new level! Chompers served up the bush only to be ambushed the following night. This is primetime, people! Not even Mystery could make this shit up. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Never in the history of sex has a Latin man claimed that a woman who he slept with the night before actually took advantage of him. This is the type of psychological warfare that sends girls straight into the porn industry.

We need some “Top Ten Most Judgmental Takeaways” ASAP:
 1) Eventually, one of these girls, one of these seasons, needs to step up their feminine game and keep it real. I mean, these girls are singlehandedly fucking up feminism. No more of this leaving in the middle of an episode bullshit. What every woman in this country needs right now is for Sharleen to have her name called during a rose ceremony, asked if she’ll accept this rose, then bitch slap that dude across the face and say “your nasty ass doesn’t deserve me.” Come on, ladies! Betty Friedan deserves better than this!

 2) On a lighter note, is Crayola sponsoring Juan Pablo’s wardrobe? Dude doesn’t have a single article of white clothing, does he? It was really getting on my pale nerves until I saw this olive-skinned motherfucker wearing a pair of cargo shorts and I was all like “Oh, shit, what’s this guy gonna break out next, carpenter jeans?” It’s quite pathetic the means in which I choose to regain my self-esteem.

3) Yo, did you catch that pimple inbetween Kat’s eyebrows? That shit must be HORRIFYING for a girl. Three weeks to make this random dude fall enough in love with you to propose marriage, and a big, juicy, pulsating pimple pops up right smack in the middle of your eyebrows?!?! What up, God? This is how you’re gonna do Kat? She hasn’t been through enough? Man, I do NOT wanna be a chick.

 4) WTF?!?! Renee sells out her son’s honor for a kiss from this scumbag? She’s like “Ben knows what I do, he wouldn’t mind.” Fuck that! Ben went straight from watching that kiss to pissing on his grandpa’s war medals and blowing up every mailbox in the neighborhood. This bachelor is a damn Svengali!

 5) Speaking of Svengalis, is anyone else noticing that Andi Punanny looks exactly like Elaine Benes with bronzer? It’s freaky. Oh, Andi, Andi, Andi. There’s another chick doing a real disservice to her fellow women. How many times does this girl need to foolishly serve up her mouth only to get passed over for the group date rose? And, to top it all off, the Juangster makes her wait for the FINAL rose of the ceremony! This girl is gonna pop! She was so stressed and aggravated the entire episode during her personal interviews that I was certain she was out of tampons and resorting to using rice cakes, instead.

6) Oh, it’s quintessential bachelor quote time!! This one is delivered by our very own Chompers after her humiliating slut-shaming at the hands of the Juangster: “It takes a lot for me to open up.” “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight,” says the sarcastic cameraman. “Are you talking about your heart or vagina, because the latter opened up on film from last night.”

7) I once met this girl, and over the course of two weeks, we spoke for maybe ten minutes and never shared a single intimate moment, but when I had to send her home, it made me cry, not because I thought she was possibly someone who I could potentially marry, but because I am a sack of shit.

 8) Someone wake up Unemployment Insurance. She didn’t get a rose.

9) Can anyone else picture Chris Harrison being tossed from a speeding Honda Civic with tinted-windows, neon lights and blaring trance music as it blows past the hotel with a stream of dust flowing from behind? That’s pretty much how I like to imagine he showed up for the rose ceremony in Vietnam.

10) Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Who the fuck is Danielle?

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