Monday, February 17, 2014

a Male Perspective on The Bachelor: episode 6 recap

Wow, this is a special recap this week, folks! Not only do I have in my possession the secret transcript between Nanny Renee’s eight-year-old son, Ben, and her bachelorette cohorts, but I also had the privilege of sitting down with Ben this week to discuss how he is handling his mother being a contestant on this show. So let’s first take a quick look at this transcript we secured from an inside source I have on the show:
BEN: Hello?

NANNY RENEE: Hi, honey, it’s mommy!

BEN: Shit, I thought it was Camila calling. Hey, mom, how’s selling me out going?

NANNY RENEE: Selling you out? Wait, what? Ben, I’m here with all my new girlfriends.

BEN: Girlfriends? I thought you said they were all evil sluts with no souls?

NANNY RENEE: I never said that!

BEN: You said the house was like living in a whore factory.

NANNY RENEE: Ben, stop it! They can hear you!

BEN: Oh, it must suck having someone else put words in your mouth, huh, mom?

NANNY RENEE: What? I have no idea what you’re---

BEN: Cut the shit, mom. You told that Latin scumbag I wouldn’t mind if he kissed you, right?

NANNY RENEE: Well, I guess I---

BEN: Exactly. I saw the show, mom. No more bullshitting.

NANNY RENEE: You’re right, Ben. I’m sorry. I should always tell the truth to you.

BEN: So, did you kiss him?

NANNY RENEE: You didn’t watch the rest of the episode?

BEN: No, Grandpa turned it off to defend our honor.

NANNY RENEE: Well, if you must know, I decided to not kiss him after all because I didn’t think it would be the right behavior to show you.

BEN: I was lying. I saw the entire episode. Grandpa goes to bed at 5pm, you fucking liar.


BEN: Oh, don’t ‘Ben’ me when you’re the one on this bullshit show making out with this bullshit guy. Did you know he’s a homophobe?

NANNY RENEE: How do you know that without ever having met him?

BEN: Grandma reads Us Weekly. I saw it in the February issue.

NANNY RENEE: February? It’s only August?

BEN: Yeah, well, there’s a lot of shit about this whole experience that doesn’t make sense but you don’t have enough rollover minutes for me to get into it without bankrupting you.

CHOMPERS: Ben, you should know that Juan Pablo is an honorable man who cares a lot about your mother.

BEN: Who’s talking? All I hear are teeth clattering.

SHARLEEN: Ben, this is Sharleen. I know this isn’t the most organic situation for your mother to---

BEN: Organic? Listen up, Whole Foods, where the fuck did you learn to kiss? You should come over for some lessons, know what I mean?

NANNY RENEE: Okay, Ben, we need to go. I love you!

BEN: Oh, you love me, huh?

CHRIS HARRISON: Yes, Ben, your mother definitely loves you. She talks about you all the time.

BEN: Is that Harrison? Stop calling and asking for my mother’s number, you fucking creep.

NANNY RENEE: Okay, we’re hanging up. Bye!

There you have it. As you can see, Ben, the eight-year-old son of Nanny Renee, has a lot of issues with his mother being on this show, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t just post this transcript without also getting some comments from the boy, himself. Here’s what we discussed when I reached him after soccer practice.

TERENCE: Ben, thanks for joining me and sharing your thoughts. I know this is a tough time you’re going through.

BEN: Tough? What makes you think that? Grandma and grandpa let me eat all the sugar cereal I can fit in my belly. Captain Crunch, Fruity Pebbles, Apple Jacks. All the good ones!

TERENCE: Wow, I have to say, that does sound pretty awesome. So, Ben, what are your impressions of this season so far?

BEN: It’s a disaster. This guy is the biggest fucking cornball to ever grace this show. I realize English is his second language, but even if this show was in Spanish and he could speak his first language, he would still come off as a cheese filled douchebag.

TERENCE: Wow, that’s impressive language for a first grader.

BEN: Next question, dick.

TERENCE: Right. So, Ben, would you be upset if Juan Pablo ultimately picked your mother in the end?

BEN: I don’t deal in hypotheticals. What I do know is that scene where the opera chick and the Latin scumbag were kissing on the bench was an absolute tragedy for all of mankind. First, they start kissing immediately upon sitting down, and then she stops to ask how he’s doing. Naturally, the Latin Einstein says he is ‘great’, and then when she asks him to guess how she’s feeling and he says ‘great and scared’, she tells him he is absolutely right! Are you fucking kidding me? The chick was acting like he just guessed her password to her Hotmail account. Who isn’t ‘great and scared’ these days? I don’t know how you blog about this shit, brosef.

 TERENCE: It’s not easy, little man. So, tell me, who is your favorite to win it?

BEN: Well, as much as she wants it, I really hope it’s not my mother. She’s too good for this asshole. My guess is he picks the chick you call Chompers. She has the perfect lack of reality and sanity to make this work for the few weeks they date post final rose. After that, there’s no way he stays with any of the chicks he picks.

TERENCE: Thanks so much for chatting with me, Ben. To close, I was hoping you would share with us your top ten most judgmental takeaways from this past episode. I’d really appreciate it, as I have nothing left in the tank at this point. When this is all said and done, I may never write again.

BEN: Oh, you’re such a martyr, Terence. Stop being such a bitch and just do your job. Now, here’s my Top Ten Most Judgmental Takeaways:

1) What’s up with this hot piece of ass they call Cassandra? Chick can’t get a date for three years? She needs to come on this show to get some love? I’ll tell you what she needs to do, she needs to move some place where most of the men she dates don’t have screensavers that show pictures of her baby daddy’s dunks. I realize she’s thirteen years older than me, but that chick needs to grow up. Although, she does get major points for being the first rational chick on this show to call the dude ‘Juan’ and not ‘Juan Pablo’. What a bullshit name that is.

2) Did Chompers really let this scumbag get away with slut shaming her? That chick is in it to win it. Talk about no regard for one’s self. Camila told me the other day she didn’t even care about that whole ocean scene because she’s four and has no idea what the hell is going on in the world other than the fact Dora and her pet monkey are really funny. This guy is pure evil.

3) I have to say, when Sharleen used the word ‘inorganic’ in this episode, I immediately thought of your blog. Her and Juan should exchange adjectives, which would bring their combined total to seven.

4) Who sets up a dinner date right smack next to a fucking geyser? Sometimes I wonder if some of my classmates are moonlighting as producers on this show. Speaking of which, are they married or dating? The producers, that is. My bet is they’re not, because their ideas are about as romantic as chlamydia.

5) What is more humiliating? Getting dumped via text, or not getting a rose and then having Chris Harrison remind you of that fact seconds later? It’d be like getting dumped via text and then you get a text from Chris Harrison that only reads “You’ve been dumped.” This show is fucking cruel when you really think about it.

6) So, let me get this straight, the show finally gets a minority in the lead role and we’re still down to six white chicks? Bravo, ABC.

7) What’s with all the ring commercials during the breaks? Are chicks buying themselves rings these days, or do advertisers actually think guys ‘watch’ this shit? I mean, we may be ‘watching’ it, but we’re not really ‘watching’ it.

 8) I seriously had to rewind certain scenes in this last episode to make sure I really heard what I did. For instance, “this can go really good, or really not good.” Some English speaking white chick actually said that? This show has hit its tipping point. I’m going to have to work to pay off these chicks’ social security checks in thirty years, and that’s bullshit!

9) On a side note, once you hear for the first time that Bruce Jenner is a possible transgender, wow, you never see him other than a transgender ever again. That shit gives kids like me nightmares.

10) I really hope my mom wears a tongue condom when she kisses this guy.

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