Thursday, February 27, 2014

"I still have hope" & the BLOW OFF

Hope is a HUGE mistake when it comes to a break up.  I'm not talking about keeping hope alive that your heart will heal or that you'll eventually meet someone better or that everything happens for a reason.  I'm talking about the hope that you and your ex will get back together.  This hope might be buried deep.  You may think the situation is hopeless and that you know with 100% certainty that you two are really truly over.  Just like Carrie told Big: we are so over we need a new word for over. But chances are you're lying to yourself.

I've gone through the hope stage a few different times with a few different guys-- even when I told myself I was completely over them.  A change in geography was usually the only way I could get past the "I still have hope" stage.  Here a few signs you too might be fooling yourself:

You don't divulge information to your ex about dates you've gone on.  I know you think you're not doing it because it's weird to talk about that stuff or you don't want to make him uncomfortable BUT the real reason might be that you don't want him to have the extra motivation to move on.  If he hears you're dating people, then he's going to try even harder to date other people, and then he's going to meet the one and not want to get back together with you.

You also probably tell everyone that you're completely okay with being friends.  This person was in your life all the time, why completely cut him out now?  Ask yourself this: are you perfectly content with your ex just being another straight guy friend for the rest of your life?  I'm talking the kind of guy friend you join on double dates, because you just love his new girlfriend.  If the answer to that is no...then you're probably staying friends with him because cutting him out of your life decreases the chances of a reunion.

You're still Facebook friends. You haven't deleted all the pictures of the two of you from your profile (why bother if you just have to upload them all over again once you get back together?) You still follow him on Twitter and Instagram.  You still have his number in your phone.

You're turning down dates with other men or finding lame excuses for why you're not interested in them.  And you still haven't had sex with anyone else.  After all, nothing puts the final nail in the coffin than calling someone else your boyfriend.

Hope is dangerous.  Hope will only bring on disaster.  Especially when the only thing that will kill your hope completely is when your ex tells you that while you were wishin' and a hopin' you'd get back together--- he moved on and fell in love with someone else.


  1. How do you give up hope though? Even if you are going through the motions, doing everything "right," how do you totally give up hope on someone you still miss and think about in spite of your best efforts (assuming you are unable to move of course haha). Inquiring minds would like to know

  2. I think you at least have to do all the things you're secretly not doing because you still have hope-- cease contact, date other people, etc. For me, it was actually just even telling myself: it's never going to happen. Once I actually said it in my head, it made me less unrealistic about the whole thing. Oh, but moving across the country is seriously the best solution :)

  3. and yes. all of this is way way way easier said than done.

  4. Good points. I guess you have to fake it til you make it and telling yourself it's never going to happen is a good idea. I always think of the opening of swingers:
    Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
    Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
    Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

    There's the freaking rub

  5. OMG, that is so amazing and true, I love it.