Monday, February 10, 2014

No Contact & the BLOW OFF

Having failed at every relationship I've ever been in, I certainly don’t know the key to having a successful one. I do however, know a thing or two about having a broken heart. The most important rule to having a successful breakup (though that kind of seems like an oxymoron) is No Contact (NC). When a guy breaks up with you one of two things will happen. Either he will miss you and come back or you will get over it and move on. Either of those things are possible (though the latter is probably more likely), but neither will happen if your ex is still in your life.

Most relationship experts will tell you to go NC for at least 30 days. The theory behind that is it takes at least 30 days to gain some distance and perspective. You don’t want to be talking to him when you are an irrational mess. Apparently, 30 days is also how long it will take for him to start missing you. Additionally, if your relationship ended horribly, he will need a little time to start focusing on the good things and forget the bad things. Whether you are implementing NC because you want him back or because you truly want to get over him, you need a solid month before either of those things are possible (unless he quickly realizes on his own that he made the biggest mistake of his life).

*Note: I personally think 30 days is too short. Once you make it through the first 30 days, try to go another 30. The hope is after a long enough period of time you won't even want to talk to him. 

During this time you are not allowed to see him, text him, email him, or even like his Facebook status (I don’t care if it says he rescued ten puppies from Africa). No contact means no contact! Even if it’s his birthday, or your birthday, or his grandma’s birthday. The only exceptions to this are if you work together or share a child in which case all you can do is limit your contact to the absolute minimum and keep it strictly business.
How will you do this? Oh is it ever hard. This person quickly went from being the center of your universe to not being in your universe at all and that is a huge and awful adjustment. This guy was your best friend, you told him everything and the thought of not talking him makes you actually want to die. I hear ya. I reallllly do. But I will say NC isn't just something I preach, it is something I actually practice (in fact, today marks 30 days of NC for me and the guy who broke my heart on NYE! Not like I'm counting or anything.) It is the best thing you can do for yourself and during this gut-wrenching time you need to do things for yourself.

Keep telling yourself that nothing good will come from contacting him. Worst case scenario, he will be distant or not respond at all. Best case scenario, you will have sex. Though that actually might be the worst case scenario because while it may feel good in the moment, it will put you 10 steps back and hurt like a bitch later. It’s like having a sip of alcohol after weeks of being sober. All that hard work was for nothing because you are back to square one. Having sex with him isn't going to make him want you back, guys are surprisingly good at just having sex even if it's with someone they once cared about.  If hooking up with him isn't going to make him want you back, texting him def won't. He’s not going to say “that text was so witty, I see the light!” or “she’s calling me every day after I broke up with her, what was I thinking?” Him wanting you back is a decision he is going to have to come to on his own. You can’t control how he thinks or acts, all you can control is you. And YOU want to be the girl who loves herself enough to not want to talk to the person who broke your heart.

You have stay busy. I know you are going to want to stay in bed, watch Someone Like You and eat oreos (well, that is my breakup ritual). And you are entitled to do that for a bit, but then you are just going to have to force yourself to at least do the things you love. Writing is my therapy, but whether you love growing avocados or scuba diving, you need to replace one passion with another.  Alcohol is going to be your worst enemy so when you drink, give your phone to your most trusted friend. Delete him from Facebook. I really think it’s impossible to not check his page multiple times a day (if you are strong enough to not check his page, I’d like to meet you). I PROMISE  that you are not going to see him posting Adele lyrics or tell the world he misses you. All you will see is him moving on.  I know you are going to want him to see pics of you looking super hot and going out, but then you will be pretending to live life for his benefit as opposed to actually trying to live your life. Also, make sure to lean on your family and friends. I’m sure they will be more than happy to support NC.

NC with someone you love is one of the hardest things a person can do. I get it and I commend everyone who has done it. Once you make it to 15 days, reward yourself with a mani/pedi. When you finally make it to 30, treat yourself to a hot dress or pair of shoes. Take it one day at a time and know that every day you don’t talk to him makes you a ninja

What if you want to be friends? I personally feel there is no point to being friends with an ex. One person is probably always going to want more. If a guy dumps you and wants to be friends he is most likely keeping you around because he still wants to have sex with you. Guys will always keep the door open for that unless you did something like murder his cat. Even if you both truly want to be in each other’s life (my sister’s ex boyfriend attended her wedding so anything is possible) it is going to take time and a lot of healing for that to happen. If the thought of hearing about his new girlfriend makes you want to hurl yourself off a bridge, you probably shouldn't be talking about it with him over lunch.

What if he contacts you?  I think it’s completely fair for you to tell him that you need some time and space and you can’t see or talk to him for a while. If he really cares about you, he will understand.
*Note: Don’t give him a time frame. It’s not the worst thing in the world for him to think he may never hear from you again.

The scariest thing about NC is that he could meet someone else, but the thing about that is if it’s going to happen it will happen whether you are trying to be in his life or not. If he meets someone else and it sticks, the sucky truth is that you really weren't meant be. This is why NC should really be about YOU. It’s about trying to move on with your life and adjust to a world without him as opposed to counting the days until you can talk to him again.

I really believe that the people who are meant to be in your life somehow end up in your life. I believe it so much that I have the word “fate” tattooed on my body (don’t judge).  On my darkest days (and I have dark days) it is this belief that gets me through. I think that in order to start over and get different results, you need to come at it from a different place. Using the NC period to be awesome is your best bet for that to happen. If you and your ex are meant to give it another shot, be together forever or at least be friends, it will happen eventually. In the meantime, don’t be the girl who waits for him to show up at the party. Try to be the girl who knows the party will go on either way.

If you want to hear more dating stories from Sammi Robbin, purchase her e-book So Many Frogs... Not Enough Prozac here

200 comments:

  1. i am a HUGE believer in the "clean break" as well. smart post!

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    1. Hi, i want to share a story about me and my ex.
      We had been together for 4 years at the time he broke up with me, i was completely devastated. I tried to contact him but he just messed my head up or ignored me. After about 2 months of being down and feeling desperate i met someone else. We started seeing each other and were very keen on one another, after a few weeks my ex lost his tiny little mind over it. He was posting gushy facebook messages about him and i. He was calling me up crying, begging, pleading with me to take him back. He was showing up at my house with flowers and apologising. After about a month or two of this i reluctantly took him back, however i didn't really fancy him anymore and had kind of fallen out of love with him. I kept seeing the other guy too :/ so i was seeing them both for another year and a half. Turned out i didn't really get on with the newer guy that well and just fancied him. My ex and I became more like just friends. Throughout the whole year and a half my ex couldn't have been a better boyfriend. I recommend not doing what i have done because i felt very guilty. This was about 7 years ago and i am older, wiser and have more respect for myself now. I've been i a few more relationships since this incident and i can now say that NO CONTACT is the only way to go. Be strong, love yourself. Read the book 'Ignore the guy, get the guy' i'm single now and very content.

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  2. You contradict yourself. You say that by cutting off contact for 30 days, it will help you get over him, yet you also say that "Apparently, 30 days is also how long it will take for him to start missing you." So is this some kind of weird biological thing where no contact makes only MEN miss women but it makes women get over him? I don't think so. I think the same thing happens to women. 30 days no contact will only make you miss him more. Whereas staying friends and constantly seeing each other's flaws and being reminded of WHY it did not work out, makes it much easier to move on.

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    1. Anonymous, I want one example of a woman whose heart was broken by a man who got over him FASTER by constantly seeing him afterwards VS not contacting him anymore. I dare you. I double dare you! I mean, maybe your theory makes sense in the case of a mutual parting of the ways-- but if one person doesn't understand WHY it didn't work out, then I don't think hanging out with the person that dumped them everyday is going to help things at all.

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    2. I would say Me but you do not know me. Nor do we know any of the same people, so what good would an example do? I find that the more I hang around someone who is not right for me, the less appealing I find them. On the other hand, if I never saw that person and had nothing to judge them on than a fantasy about them from when we last saw each other months ago, I am more likely to pine over that person, because I am not remembering them as they are, I am remembering them as they used to be, and nostalgia is a powerful thing. Maybe distance works for you. It certainly does not work for me.

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    3. did you hang out with him/see him all the time out of choice? Or was he a co-worker, you had mutual friends, etc? Did you initially want to stay friends out of hope that he would change his mind and want you back OR did you go in with your eyes wide open to his flaws, hoping it would help you get over him? Sorry for all the questions. I'm sort of fascinated. You might need to email us an entire post about this: theblowoffwtf@gmail.com

      Also, I love when I hear that people who don't know me read this blog.

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    4. I'm fascinated by this too! I would love to know a true story of a girl who got dumped, hung around the guy who dumped her all the time and it worked out well. It would be like seeing a unicorn!

      PS: This article is really intended for the dumpee's. People who have a broken heart and are trying to heal. But if you are the dumper you should let the poor person go.

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    5. I have that story for you :) It wasnt me but I beared witness to the ENTIRE process and heard constant comolaints from both sides the entire time. The girl cheated on the guy. And simply stuck around, broke every single rule, drowned him in texts, gifts, affecrion, and since it was a woman craziness at times as well. However, the guy was a very nice and VERY VERY attractive man who could honestly have anyone he wanted; however, her being around him all the time made it easier for her to initiate "dates" and movie nights to the point where they were dating again. Although I admit this way takes much much longer and does not fully allow the couple to heal.

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    6. This site has helped me so much. I want to contact him so desperately especially since I ended it and made him very angry. Alas my purpose for ending it was to demand respect. Contacting him will dissipate that. God it hurts like a bitch though. Thanks for reminding me I am a ninja.

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    7. Hi my ex bf and i broke up 6 months now. We been talking on and off. He did asked to come back alot of times but when he do he end up ignoring me after. Just recently i told him we need to talk about us he agreed. We decided to take it slow till we know we trust eachother. We been together 2years and a few months. How can i get him back for Good? Even though we agreed to the taking it slow we only messages eachother a few times. He thinks i am annoying because i spoken my mind and asked when we getting back together cause he treats me like a strange when we talk and when he sees me he does be sweet Why? should i start back no contact after so long?

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    8. I find that i start moving on... When I haven't seen an ex in a while... It's how females work... I would say women get fueled by affection and love ...men work different ..they need space to miss you...they like the chase.... Typically going after things they can't have... Which is why guys chase in the beginning then get lazy once they got u..Men need space and women need love and affection ....if I'm not getting love and affection...on a regular from my
      guy...i start slipping away from the connection.. I mean thats just how I work

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    9. No contact makes it more difficult to 'move on' while remaining in contact makes it easier to move on. This is because enforcing artificial distance as in no contact enhances what is termed as 'emotional fusion', and hinders disengagement. contact and communication allow for a respectful transition from intimacy to friendship or aqcuaintanceship. But individuals need to be mature and resilient to be able to maintain contact while transitioning. The insecure, or less differentiated prefer to cut off and do no contact as they do not have the ability to be able to manage their emotional sensitivity. Hence, more mature people ususally prefer to get over by staying in contact, while the less resilient and insecure prefer to do no contact. in case the maturity of both parties differ, the more mature person can be compelled to accept the sub optimal maladjusted fuctioning of the insecure person who wants to cut off and go non contact. Its emotionally unhealthy. Rather, the insecure need to develop their resilience and learn how to communicate and transition in a healthier and more optimal manner

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    10. I understand your point and agree to an extent, but also find its not always true. In an ideal world, everyone would choose the way you mentioned, but it doesn't work that way. Refusing to remain in contact isn't always because parties involved are 'immature' it could also have to do with the fact that we are human beings and not robots, we need time to process and heal, that doesn't make someone maladjusted. A break up is similar to a death, talking to the person and being constantly reminded of what has been or what could have been doesn't always help someone slip into the process of grieiving fully and completely. It can delay the adjustment of learning to live life without a SO as you are not really living it and that's why so many people who try the 'friends' thing too early end up falling into old habits/end up back together without addressing issues or are in limbo and the resulting break up is much worse. I think never being able to be friends, or at least civil - if not now, but at some point in the future could be more representative of what youre stating but to say people are 'immature' because they are grappling with a loss is cruel and inaccurate. Also, the 'insecure' who need to learn how to communicate? Not always true either, once you have broken up (esp if the one not speaking is the one who has been broken up with) doesn't owe the other person a damn thing once the relationship is over. Sure we shouldnt expect nastiness or abuse etc. but to talk to someone because that's the 'mature' thing, no, if someone has chosen to exit your life, you don't owe them communication, that was their decision. Sure you could ask for a friendship but friendship isn't just 'given' because you were in a relationship. And the major problem with this theory is, sometimes people break up for totally understandable reasons and accept this however that doesn't stop the heart from feeling affection and still experiencing attracting, lust, etc. hence the 'sex with the ex' and all the other drama it creates this all results because neither party had the chance to truly distance themselves. There's a lot more to it for many people.

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  3. Actually, i don't think i do contradict myself. People either implement the no contact rule to get an ex back or to get over them. I am saying that for either of those things to happen, no contact is your best bet. Most likely, he is not going to miss you if you're still in his life. Most likely, you are not going to get over him if he is still in your life. After at least a month, you will be in a better position to see or talk to him if you wish to do so but the hope is that after some time you won't. If you think you can constantly see and talk to your ex and actually move on, more power to ya. You're a stronger woman than I am

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    1. This is where the contradictions lies:
      He will not miss you if he is still in your life.
      You won't get over him if he is still in your life.
      On the one hand, you say that distance helps people get over each other. On the other hand, you are saying that distance makes people miss each other. So which is it? The problem I see is that distance may very well make the girl miss the guy more, which is precisely the opposite of what she is trying to accomplish.

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    3. There is no contradiction. No contact helps the dumpee move on, but makes the dumper question whether he made the right decision (and start missing the dumpee)

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    4. I think No Contact makes the guy miss the girl, but I think it makes the girl get over the guy. At least this is how it has worked in the past for me. Absence doesn't make my heart grow fonder, it makes it forget!!! I can't get over someone or think clearly if we are still talking and I still see them. Sometimes time, distance and a break in contact works wonders! In other words, you will either heal, which is good, or work things out which is good too!

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    5. But what can you do when this person is a person that you have to work with. This person is someone who broke your heart into a million pieces, lied, used you. But told you they loved you. I try to stay away from him at work. Some how tho he will always try to initiate conversations and suck me back in. He has hurt me emotionally pretty bad. So now we are not even really talking. There have been no phone calls or texts for 2 weeks. However, he will still sometimes try to talk to me at work. He acts as if everything is normal. Like we didn't used to talk almost every other day. Now nothing. How do I stay with no contact??? He is my weakness and he knows it.

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    6. i believe shes right as distance will show the couple the real answer whether they are better off them or with them so when after a month any contact happens you will know whether to be with him or walk away actually i m going through this situation right now its been 10 days we dint talk i miss him ofcourse dont know if he does i dint leave contact by reading this i left contact cause i wanted to see if he really really needs me cause if he does i will get to know by the way he responds to my ignorance and if dint i will have to move on cause all we need is love and doesn't matter if your losing someone who dint bother to get you . don't know whats next will post you guys if he approaches right he is all cool he just called initially after the fight that too thrice only and right he posted on his wall that hes reading "your not my type" so its super clear he doesn't want me but still lets see what the future holds .hope whatever happens should be best for both of us cause its just one life and we have been together for 4 years now so its going to be very very tough for me to not see him my entire life .

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    7. This exact thing has happened to me, and I can tell you without a doubt that having the guy that dumped you still hanging around giving on and off contact, not knowing when you will hear from him or IF you will hear from him at all, is absolute torture. I was dumped by my ex 3 months ago and for 3 months we maintained very on / off contact, we caught up a few times and had a great night every time (sleeping together included) but I knew he was moving interstate as soon as he decided he was ready. It was absolute HELL. He called me one day and said that he had decided to leave the following Monday. I think my heart exploded during that conversation; it took all I had not to break down and sob right there and then. Since our breakup I had always maintained hope that he would see the light and come running back to me for good :(
      Because of my on again / off again contact with him for 3 months, when he finally left 4 days ago I felt like it was the very first day we split up. My heart was broken. I have now decided not to contact him again, not that I even expect to hear from him. He has moved interstate now, back to where he used to live when he was growing up so he has a lot of old friends there and absolutely loves it. He's down by the beach, without a care in the world, which is why I know I won't hear from him. As soon as he settles himself in again I will be nothing but a distant memory... and it is absolutely killing me. I feel that if I had just kept no contact from the very moment he broke up with me, maybe by now I would be ok. I can't believe I gave up 3 months of healing time to let him wander into my life whenever he felt like it, then leave again without a backward glance. I'm so hurt and angry. I feel like I hoestly meant absolutely nothing to him. Nothing. He never even felt bad about dumping me the way he did or leaving me an absolutely heart broken mess.
      I have come to realise that if the person you love wants to be with you, they will be. My ex had the opporunity so many times to fix things with me and let us continue on happily, but he proved to me that he didn't want any of that and just used me for fun while he got ready to leave my life for good.

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    8. And this folks, is one of many scenarios as to why 'no contact' at least for a period of time is the way to go.

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  4. The main point of this post is whether you ultimately end up getting back together or not, it's important to take some time to do you, live your life for you and gain some distance and perspective. If you and your ex BOTH decide getting back together or being friends is what you want, having some time to start fresh gives you the best chance of having a NEW relationship (clearly the old one didn't work all that well if someone ended it). And if you are not meant to be, you will have had a good head start and truly moving on with your life.

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    1. This is the best answer i've read. I myself am going through some thngs with my boyfriend of two year. i still love him and he says he loves me to but some how we are just understandung each others wants and needs. So i broke it off. Just because my head and heart are all over the place. I dont want to lose him and i feel sick without him but i need a new perspective. I hope this no contact will be good for both of us and i will keep in mind if we are meant to be we will come back better then ever. This is Day2 without him and i miss him like crazy and i hope he misses me to.

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    2. Hi the. No Contact is good but now I feel bad. See I got results after days...think he just was really confused as he said for he was not planning to get into a committed relationship ..heck he explained that I am not the type he usually go for in looks. He attracted to slim while I am fleshy not fat. He got so hooked with my personality that he did not move how he usually do with women. Now he running which have me pissed for he hurt me doing the distancing thing. Now I am not even sure I want him back. I threw him back out there with the other guys to keep my sanity. Now he acing all lovey and telling me i worrying too much when i try to tell him that I not sure about any US anymore. So much so that I cannot even have sex with him for this No Contact method have me viewing him as a stranger who has to prove he is worthy of me.

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  5. My favorite response to every guy that's ever broken up: Please never contact me again.

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    1. Haha I really love that you say that!

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    2. I say that too! I've been reading up on how this NC phase is a thing but that's my gut reaction. If I get dumped and wasn't expecting it and still want to be with him, WHY would I torture myself by letting him stay in my life? I need to get used to being without him. I need to let go and move on. Going from a relationship to friends seldom works and just prolongs the breakup when you could be healing and moving on. After I've moved on and gotten used to not seeing them, they usually come back and then I have the power to decide if we can be friends or not. I haven't let an ex back in my life again intimately, however. I just got dumped and its a lot different this time because I loved this one and miss the MAN v the relationship/sex/boyfriend. I'm in the 3rd week of NC and while this time I really want him to contact me, he hasn't, so I"m just trying to move on and get over it.

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  6. I think it is possible to be friends with your ex. My ex and I broke up around 2009 and we didn't talk to each other for about 6 months and then started talking again and have maintained a friendship for almost four years at this point. We've talked, hung out casually, had dinner/lunches, and never has there been a time where we hooked up, talked about hooking up, or anything. Our friendship is completely platonic. I don't think it's impossible - maybe this is a rare case, but I do believe that people can grow and mature and if you both want to just be friends you can.


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    1. I think that's awesome! But I think it's great that you took those 6 months. I think that is probably what allowed you to have the friendship that you do. Like i said, people who are meant to be in your life somehow end up in it. But I think right after a break up, it's really hard. That is a great example though of how not having contact for a while helped you both to start over as friends

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    2. I don't want to be friends with my exes. I can't. It is hard to be friends with someone I loved. I think it is better for all to move on and have no contact. Maybe that is just me. I don't want friends. I am not looking for friends. I am looking for a relationship and I want someone who is looking for that also. My exes and I have broke up for various reasons, but most common is them cheating on me. So I don't want friends like that in my life, much less a lover/relationship like that.

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    3. Exactly! It's like "I have plenty of friends who would never hurt me like you did, I'm good in the friends department, thanks."

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  7. How do I deal with it if I'm the one that did it? I told him I wasn't happy and we needed to talk and he got angry and told me to do whatever I wanted and neither of us have texted/ called eachother yet! I'm on my 10th day and I miss him a lot!

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    1. If you did it and you miss him and are having second thoughts, I think it's perfectly fine to reach out and talk to him. BUT I do think you should carefully think about the reasons you weren't happy and his immature reaction to you wanting to talk to him about it.

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  8. This post is really helpful. In my case I had to end a friendship with someone I fell for because he was leading me on. I miss him so much and it's very painful for me but I do have to maintain no contact. He considered himself a "very good friend" of mine, had to speak to me everday, admitted he is very sexually attracted to me, but pretends that we are "just friends". Eventually I began to get very fed up with him and told him that I need to end this friendship and that he should only speak to me once he's figured his life out. I feel so much better. I tried so hard, for months, to remain friends with him and get over this but it's impossible to get over someone you continue to speak to. I know he's going to miss me, but I'm not sure how he's going to handle it. But like you said I'm just going to focus on getting over him, moving on, and focusing on myself and my own happiness. I'm trying not to worry about weather we will speak again (it's really painful to think we never will). Like you said, if it was meant to be, then we will see each other again. if not, then oh well. At least I still have my integrity.

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    1. Hey Alice, I'm going through EXACTLY the same thing as you :-( ....it has been very difficult. I hope you are doing better. For me it has been about two months since I have spoken to him. What is upsetting to me is the fact that he led me on, and he claims that we are "just friends," and yet....when I told him in a very nice way that it was too hard for me to be friends with him and I initiated "no contact," he was condescending to me and seemed angry that I was initiating "no contact." If he truly only saw me as a friend, then he should have understood and given me my space without getting mean about it. I guess he didn't think he was in the wrong in leading me on. The way I see it, by intiating "no contact," I was taking away his control over me. Although some days are harder than most, I would rather a guy like me for me instead of liking the "control" he has over me. I hope you are feeling better.

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    2. Alice and Anonymous you are both strong women indeed! After a couple months of no contact, he reeled me back in and we resumed our unhealthy pattern only to have it end it again with me totally heartbroken. I think that these guys do like having the control. They like knowing they can have us when they want us. Maybe they truly miss us, maybe they are lonely, want sex, or want an ego boost. The most important thing I've learned is that unless they make a grand gesture and grovel, nothing is going to change. And everytime they reach out they are being selfish. I've decided stringing a girl along knowing you can't or won't give them what they want/deserve is one of the worst things you can do. If they truly cared they would make efforts to be with us or at least have the decency to truly let us go.

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    3. I'm going through something similar too! I'm in my 3rd week of No Contact with a guy I met abroad. When I met him there was instant chemistry and we hung out a lot and eventually ended up making out. I found out he had never been with a girl before but I was fine with that, but I didn't hear from him a few days later and when I asked what was wrong he said he was really busy and didn't know how to have a relationship and just wanted to stay as friends, plus I was going home 3 months later. Since he was roommates with one of my other girlfriends (which is how we met), it was a bit weird at first but eventually we became friends. We kissed again the last time we saw each other and he said he did like me, but that he had no private life and didn't want a relationship (too much work/school). I felt much better, like I had gotten closure and soon left thereafter, thinking that I probably wouldn't much hear from him again. On the contrary; we spoke more than ever. He would send me messages and we would chat every day. He said I was his best friend and he wanted to come visit me. Naturally I got my hopes up, and of course he didn't come visit me. He always makes work his priority and I felt like he just wanted to talk to me because I made him feel better about himself and would always tell him how intelligent he is and that he could always do anything he wanted because he's very driven when it comes to work (I got the impression his self-esteem wasn't the best). Of course he knew how I felt, and I even told him I still felt that way, to which he responded that I deserve better and that he doesn't know how to handle relationships and he doesn't want to hurt me more. For a while I was okay with this, but when he said he couldn't come visit me after promising me constantly that he would, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. We always said we would travel together, even when I was in his country he invited me to a couple of places that never got realized. He's always disappointed me and can't follow through on his promises. But I still really miss him. We spoke every day and had inside jokes and eventually I just cracked and said I feel like he's taking advantage of me because he knows how I feel about him. He said he was sorry that I felt that way, and although he still wants to keep in touch, he'd understand if I didn't wanna talk to him anymore. After almost changing my mind, he immediately began getting on my nerves, saying I should go for this other guy I know. So eventually I just decided to cut him off and said he won't be hearing from me again. It's only been barely 3 weeks and although I feel much better overall, there are days that I really miss him and wonder if he misses me too. I hope I can speak to him again one day when these feelings subside and we can genuinely be friends.

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  9. Let me just say that I find the NC rule a winner in all respects. In my experience being with someone who loses interest in you is very stupefying and can nose dive your self-esteem. It's good to just be happy with yourself and never be afraid to be alone, coz ultimately you were born alone anyway. Use this time to try new things and be the best at it. I didn't think I would do kickboxing in a million years but I'm apparently very good at it and I will be competing for an amateur title very soon. I wonder what he will say when he sees me with a strong new body and attitude. But I hardly think about him these days, instead I think about being a champ in all areas of my life!

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    1. I just love this reply! You sound so strong and you are so right. I'm 52, and my bf of one year broke us up 3 weeks ago. I'm devastated because I feel I'll never find anyone again--we had an amazing year, talked of a future together, blah blah the whole 9 yards. Then wham out of the blue he texts (yea) that we "aren't doing so well" ..it was a breakup text. In those 3 weeks I've attempted NC several times but messed it up after a few days every time by texting, calling or going to see him, mainly to ask WHY did he break up since I didn't see it coming. His answers are vague so I finally realized last Sun that I'm not going to get a good answer to why. In the meantime he's happy because he's doing all his own stuff w/out having to deal w/ me (we live 40 mins each way apart, and he was fed up w/ the drive..that was one reason he gave). Ok he's busy but why am I what gets tossed out? Mainly I think he felt pressure (more in his own head than my behavior/words) that I wasn't happy w/ him doing so many things and not having a lot of time for me. Anywho...I keep trying to get back on the NC for 30 days wagon. I want to try kickboxing too! I like your post because you have the BEST attitude. Why do I cry and mope and want to die, this guy dumped me and never gave a good reason. I loved him, i was honest, faithful, all the good things. It needs to be about me now. If he had any sense he wouldn't have let this good thing go. So here's hoping my 30 days (hopefully 30+ days) of NC will happen NOW and I can start getting past him. If he comes back, I'm sure hoping he appreciates me better.

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    2. Check out narcissist traits on internet. I had the same thing happen to me.

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  10. Me and my x are living under the same roof with my parents. Its been a week now since we broke up and he has n new girlfriend but he tells me he loves me ect I'm so confused don't know what to do, any advice?

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    1. Oh, honey...this is so painful. I hate to say it, but you need to kick his a$$ out. He does not love you; or if he does, he doesn't respect that love enough to treat you fairly. Pack his crap and put it on the porch. He'll figure out a place to stay. Go NC, at least 30 days. But in this case, I'd say at least 2 months. Get out there and see what makes you happy (not in a man).

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  11. NC is an absolutely essential rule. The OP has no contradictions in her post. This $#!+ is HARD and when we start the NC rule, we do it because we hope it will help HIM realize what he's lost. But after a couple weeks, we come out of the fog and now realize what WE'VE lost...the crazy, doubting sadness that you thought would never go away. Well, good riddance!

    Right now I am 29 hours (yes, hours) into an NC. No, I didn't love him quite yet, but bought all his garbage hook, line and sinker. I was just so sure this was a relationship that was going places. He was NICE. Considerate. A grown-up. Interested and in hot pursuit, even after a month. Yet after planning another date with me on Monday, texting Wednesday to confirm, and texting again Thursday to say he'd call me that night to say where we were going and what time to meet, he did not call. He did not text. The "date night" came and went, and nothing. He...poofed. I think he was eaten by a zombie or perhaps is locked in a 1950s underground bomb shelter where his phone has obviously lost signal. Or gators ate his phone. Or maybe gators ate him. Nasty beasts. Whatever. I am positively itching to call him, text him, email him...whatever. Just a, "Hey, everything okay? Thought we had plans." BUT I WILL NOT. More than anything, I just hope he doesn't contact me, either. I don't know if I can resist "one more chance," even though his behavior indicates he doesn't have much respect for me. I'm still checking my phone every 15 minutes. Like I said, HARD.

    Sure, there are always the lucky ones, the girls who have men begging them to come back. That's why romance novels exist, why RomComs are so successful. We are desperate for that ending, and all know someone who knew someone's roommate's sister's best friend whose man came back and put it all on the line, right there in the middle of traffic, on one knee. People honked, and clapped and they kissed while a traffic cop gently shooed them to the curb. Awwww.

    This just doesn't happen for mostm but I do find that my NC exes do come sniffing around again at some point (and believe me, it is excruciatingly impossible not to buy into it, even though deep down I know its not going to work). Yep, I took them all back. And one, oh man, I was almost crazy in my desperation for it to work. The problem was, he dumped me because he said he wasn't "in love with me," even though he cared for me deeply. That's just not fixable. And it's not even close to good enough. I'm not that girl.

    It all sounds so sad, but the point is, you've gotta have that distance to have perspective. You'll be stronger for it, heal faster if its really over, or if you're in that special, dreamy movie-esque one percent, you'll truly know it is meant to be.

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  12. My bf dumped me last week Saturday via text message. Since Monday neither of us have text each other. Same thing of don't love me but cases deeply. I want to be loved not cared deeply for. I am not a charity case. Anyway I decided on no contact. Only thing is his stuff is still here and I really don't want to break my NC to tell him to pick his shit up cos I will feel like I have broken the rule.

    he also turned religious and stopped sex about two months ago. I will have to email him to collect his stuff and bring my keys . I will make sure I am not here cos it will be hard enough as it is plus I need him to feel deprived of me that includes not even setting eyes on me. I want him back but I will be damned if I will lower my standards by tryin to see or contact him. I hope this will work but if it does not it will be tough for me. He has this idiot notion that we are now friends ....erm were not and we won't be. Why would I want to try to be friends with someone I love. That's just not going to happen.

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  13. I love this!! Great, great advice. Definitely followed all suggestions :)

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  14. I have a quick question, in a moment of weakness I told my ex that his new relationship may be doomed, I apologized and said this is just a phase of a woman scorned but I could tell it angered him. We have only been broken up two weeks when he got into the new relationship. But have I doomed myself in working it out with him later if the relationship is meant to be??? Advice

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  15. I'm inspired! I'm glad I found this post!!!!!!!

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  16. In terms of giving back a guys stuff, I say just send it to him. Avoid all contact if possible. Simply ship it to his house with no note or anything. As to saying your exes new relationship is doomed, when we are broken hearted and upset we often say things we wish we could take back or act irrationally (part of why no contact is so essential). If something is meant to be it will be. Time does have a way of healing things. But I think you have to go under the assumption that you two are done forever. It sucks that he moved on so quickly, but sometimes we need that harsh reality to accept things and move on ourselves. Live your life, be good to yourself, be happy and things will work out the way they are supposed to!

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  17. I don't want my ex back at all and I'm happy its over between us. But I still miss him.. why?.. yes I know its been only 3days. I'm not contacting him. I don't want to. But it does hurt.. hope I can forget him... soon :)

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  18. What is going on from his perspective? suffering the lonliness? what if he believes he is truly broken up with and fools around with someone else he would have never made the.acquaintance with if he were with you? I feel like no contact is a game strategy.

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    1. I think men, generally speaking don't/try not to spend to much time being sad about a break up. Having said that - It really depends on the person. But from my experience, he will try and get out there and meet someone asap instead of crying alone in bed. And it comes down to whether he cares enough about you, to not mess around with someone else even for the fun of it.

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    2. We split up three years ago. He sent me an email from overseas. Before that we we best friends, hung out at the same places and I thought we would get married. No contact is like some one dies and there is no funeral or they are lost in the wilderness. The most painful breakup I have ever had. No closure, no nothing. No contact is for robots.

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  19. I really needed to read this tonight. I recently broke up with my bf of 4 1/2 years and it's been 3 weeks of no contact. It sounds melodramatic but I honestly felt like I was trying not to die. It was utterly devastating to me. It's surreal going from speaking to someone every single day to not speaking at all. It feels like someone died. I know breakups are often compared to the death of someone you love, and this time I truly felt that. The grief was almost unbearable. But time has eased the pain some. I'm not hopelessly checking my phone all day, or tempted to call him every hour. But I do wonder if he will ever speak to me again. I know now that it's for the best. In a weird way it's easier to think about how silly it is to have to force someone to want to be with you. I know I shouldn't cling to the hope of him wanting me back. I deserve better and I truly want the best for him. I suppose I just want to know if he misses me the way I miss him. I just want to know that I meant something to him. No contact makes it seem like he's completely forgotten about me. Anyways, this has turned into a novelI really needed to read this tonight. I recently broke up with my bf of 4 1/2 years and it's been 3 weeks of no contact. It sounds melodramatic but I honestly felt like I was trying not to die. It was utterly devastating to me. It's surreal going from speaking to someone every single day to not speaking at all. It feels like someone died. I know breakups are often compared to the death of someone you love, and this time I truly felt that. The grief was almost unbearable. But time has eased the pain some. I'm not hopelessly checking my phone all day, or tempted to call him every hour. But I do wonder if he will ever speak to me again. I know now that it's for the best. In a weird way it's easier to think about how silly it is to have to force someone to want to be with you. I know I shouldn't cling to the hope of him wanting me back. I deserve better and I truly want the best for him. I suppose I just want to know if he misses me the way I miss him. I just want to know that I meant something to him. No contact makes it seem like he's completely forgotten about me. Anyways, this has turned into a novel.

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  20. It's funny bc as I sit here reading this..I think of my month ago self. What would I have thought reading these comments? I probably would have thought (not in a mean way) that these people should just get over their exes. Well, that was pre-breakup me. Rational me. Now I'm looking for a reason to believe that I can fix things. I'm trying to think about rational me. What my advice would have been to someone else when I was in a clear mindset. And it definitely would have been to move on. As much as I hate saying that now because I really don't want to move on. At all. But emotional me is failing at this point so I doing all I can to summon the rational me. I hope thst I can get to her. Thank you for the post.

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  21. Omg. I am so glad that you wrote this! It feels like I am the only one but I'm glad to hear other peoples' stories and experiences. My ex and I have a really long and complicated history which dates back all the way to senior high. He was dating a girl in my friendship group and then they broke up and we ended up being friends and soon after he asked me out. I did like him but I didn't want to go out with him because of his ex, I was scared he wasn't over her because he told her he loved her. And we kept fighting about this and eventually he got fed up with it and decided to end things. We upheld the NC rule even though I literally missed him everyday and was miserable. I think I was doing it wrong - like you said, I was counting the days until I talked to him again. But here's my first question, how is counting the days, not counting until you make contact again? We went a full year without talking. And that was a terrible year for me.

    Then, it is so true - you can't win him back with witty texts or sex. I found out that he hooked up with his ex. And I was heartbroken because while I was missing him, he was moving on. Then we met again and I tried to get him back (I was a hysterical and slightly tipsy woman). I nearly lost it when I saw him try to hook up with his ex again, right when I was there. I couldn't see that happen. And I said everything I could. I hoped that a part of him still wanted us and I was right. Not long after that, we met at college and had the same class and started talking again. He said he wanted a relationship, but if I was hesitant before, I was definately more hesitant this time. I didn't know what to do, so I just did nothing and remained in slight friend zone. Then I went overseas, and while I was overseas, he sent me an ultimatum via text. I didn't respond, but the I read it over and over and soon I realized that I still wanted us, I still want him. But before I could tell him how I felt (I'm a hopeless romantic, thought about surprising him at Christmas or New Years), he went to a party with his ex and they hooked up again..

    I was HEARTBROKEN. Then he said he didn't see us anymore, and he lied when I asked him if anything had happened at the party. Later, I suppose he felt guilty when I poured my heart out to him, but finally told me the truth. He said he didn't see us in a relationship anymore "atleast for now". And guess what? He applied the NC rule on me. It's been 9 months, and I will admit, I have texted him at times when I was really really upset because I want him to know how I feel, rather than me just feeling all these things alone or smothering them, pretending to be ok. So yeh, I failed at the NC rule. Figured since I upheld it last time, maybe if I had broken the silence earlier, I wouldn't have spent a year missing him when he clearly felt the same way. So if I tell him how I feel this time, it must be right, right?

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  22. WRONG

    Then suddenly, a night after I send him a text while I was really upset, he texts back. I was as surprised as I was reluctant to reply. Because I didn't know what he wanted, and he didn't apologize or say anything remotely romantic. Just normal convo. But, I was really glad to be able to talk to him. I use to be able to say anything and everything to him, but this article is so right - the worst case scenario is he'll be distant or not even respond. That is EXACTLY how he was when I texted him. Finally, I got impatient and we got into the fight we always have - he says something insensitive, I get mad, then get mad at everything that has happened between us, and then he gets mad because he feels its unwarranted. I asked him why he was talking to me before and he said 'just felt like talking I guess'. I really wanted to find out what he wanted, so I asked him if he would be okay with me dating some other guy. He said he would bitter but ultimately be okay with it. FYI This is the first and only guy I have ever liked. And I have loved and missed him everyday for 5 years. He said he's had to do it before - watch an ex move on. Obviously not me, with one of his other exes. That alone, made me feel so sad. Then he said that he "won't ever enter into a relationship with me" because "he doesn't feel the same way about me. doesn't enjoy talking or spending time with me like he use to" and he is sorry but "he knows thats not what he wants". This happened yesterday night. Needless to say, I had a pretty bad evening. After much consultation, I texted back that 'yeh, whatever, we can be friends'. But this is day 1 of applying the NC rule for me. And today has been TERRIBLE. Lost count of how many times I have cried, and I've talked to my friends about it. One friend said I should either tell him how I feel and give him an ultimatum or tell him it's too hard for me to be friends. Funny thing is I think maybe I needed to hear him say those things as much as it hurt, otherwise I'd keep hoping and dreaming that he'd come back, apologize and make everything ok. That's what I wanted to happen. :(

    I hope I can forget about him, only time will tell. But for now, it really does hurt. Didn't know anyone could make me feel like this. Now I know what it means when people say they feel crushed. My chest literally hurts and I feel like it's hard to breathe. (it's okay, not having a heart attack, just really upset). Heartbreak sucks. I don't know what will happen in the future, maybe we will never get back together, maybe fate will bring us back if we're meant to be (I believe in fate too. But I also think that leaving things to "fate" is one of the hardest things to do). I lived by that motto the first time - "If you really love someone, you should let them go, and if they come back to you then it's meant to be". But he did come back, and now he's gone again, for like the hundreth time. Wow my relationship story with this guy is really screwed up. But the main thing is that you have to do things for you, like this article is saying. At present, I know this, but I just don't know what to do. It seems like nothing can make me happy. I'm sad that it's over for good(?) but I also know that this relationship is unhealthy and addictive and that I need to move on. But this is somebody I spent the last 5 years missing. I really hoped that we would be able to work through this and end up together

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  23. I've been dating a friend for over a year & although our friendship started with no expectations (relationship) we grew really close to each other which made it seem as though we were in a relationship. Of course feelings naturally developed & I was ready for us to take it to the next level. He explained to me he's not ready for a relationship because he is not at a stable point in his life to provide for me as a man and we should remain friends. It wasn't the answer I wanted to hear but the love I developed for him, made me respect his wishes (also the fact I wasn't ready to lose him). But I made a fatal mistake to continue seeing him as a friend because I set my own self up to be string along. Basically my choice, gave him the approval to the old saying, "have your cake and eat it too" and our "friendship" changed tremendously. His normal actions, such as extensive calls/texts throughout the day became scarce and our quality time became similar to a long distance relationship. Arguments was now the norm & each time I decide to leave him alone....he pursues me & I find myself right back in the same situation. For an added 4months I've been going through this Push & Pull situation with him, until finally I recognized my worth & told him I can no longer be friends with him. Currently I am on day 28 of NC and I miss him dearly. It's even more of a challenge because he started reaching out to me for the past couple of days...calling/texting me multiple times a day. Although I have the urge to answer his calls/text, I would not feel right within because I already know the outcome. It's hard to walk away from that special someone but it's even harder to look in the mirror. Self love must always comes 1st, we tend to forget at times but then the pain we endure from those we put 1st before ourselves is a constant reminder. I miss him so very much, but guess what? I no longer feel that hurt in the pit of my stomach.....so this too shall pass.

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    1. Same basic story here. On july 27 it will be 4 months since we last spoke. Hang in there. Hugs

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  24. This NC rule is SO hard. I've tried it many times before and it hasn't worked. Maybe this time it will. But I still really miss my ex. And the sad thing is, he's clearly moved on and wants nothing more than friendship. I still remember all the things he said but he's forgotten them all. How I wish it wasn't so. I really wanted us to be. I can't even think about him not being here, guess he never was and hasn't been for a long time, but I can't bear the thought of him being with some other girl. Guess I just have to move on and let fate do the rest

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  25. I'm sorry to hear that so many others are going through the same thing... does anyone know of any sort of support groups / forums or buddy systems?

    I've just passed 24 hours of NC (more if you count the last time I heard from him) and I'm dying inside. No real break up, just me realizing that in order for things to (possibly) work this time, I need to set boundaries and respect myself. I seriously doubt he even knows that anything has changed at this point, meanwhile I've been through three days of sheer torture (his last real contact with me)

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    1. It's really hard isn't it :(

      I'm on day 5 on NC and while I'm tempted to text him, I'm pretty sure he's out having a good time with his friends or just doing anything but think about/miss me. Don't know of any buddy systems, but it's good to read other people's experiences and write down what you feel

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  26. Okay How About This Scenario....You Have Been Dating For Almost 9 Months. She Has Accepted You As Being Her Man. You Said I Love And Shortly A Month Later She Hadls Too.

    The Relationship Is Going Amazing Except Because of Your Size You Are Not Having Intercourse Intimacy With Your Girlfriend. You Do Every Thing Else But That One Part Is An Issue.

    She Has Never Brought It Up Before And When We Do Try Afterwards She Is Supportive And Says We Will Keep Trying....

    Now After 9 Months Of Beinf Together, She Says She Need Time To Think.

    I Have Given Her The Space She Wants. TODAY Marks One Week 3 Days Of Not Hearing From Her.

    I Sent One Message After A Week Saying I am Thinking Of Her And Miss And Love Her.

    I Have Not Heard From Her Since She Said She Needs Time To Think.

    Questions...

    Is My Relationship Over?
    Her Birthday Is Coming Up Do I Call Her?
    How Long Am I To Stay In Limbo?

    I am Hurt But I am Staying Strong..I Miss Her And Love Her.....

    Crazy Yes I Know...But What Is A Guy To Do....

    Signed.....LLMS

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  27. Hello all,

    I would appreciate some feedback on my situation…

    My partner and I are an online couple who have been together since 2010. We have shared many, many ups and downs, and he has certainly stuck by me, and I by him through all the crazy moments. He suffers from depression, but I understood, and we were doing well…

    Two weeks ago we had a little fallout but we agreed that we wanted us to work out, in fact he said he never wanted to stop trying… Two days after was his birthday. I sent him a voice note to wish him, and he didn’t respond to it, but sent a message to let me know work was crazy. After that I messaged him as usual and he didn’t respond. Four days later he lets me know he had had a nasty fall and ended up in hospital and it’s been a crazy few days. I asked him how he was doing then, got no response. I then sent one message to say I’d fade into black for now because it felt he was cutting me out of what’s happening in his life. No response.

    Three days letter I sent him a short email sharing two pics and told him I hoped he was doing well. No response. He also didn’t read my instant message, nothing crazy, just asking him how he was…

    I emailed twice him to say I was worried etc, again nothing crazy. Just short emails voicing my concern. My last email on Sunday invited him to be open and tell me if there was something I had said that offended him, or if he had given up on me. No response. I didn’t mail him again

    It’s been 10 days since I last heard from him. Strangely I feel at peace. He hasn’t read any of my IMs, also hasn’t deleted me. But I am worried. He has given me silent days in the past, as I did him. But never for this long, or for no apparent reason. Usually it’s preceded by a fight or disagreement. I had a load of emotions going on, but I feel okay. I’m just worried that he might be going through a depression phase and me going NC will send a wrong message: that I don’t care.

    Thoughts?

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  28. So first I just wanted to thank everyone for all the responses to my post! It makes my heart happy that my heartbreak is helping others! I want to say that most importantly, the No Contact period is about YOU! It's about getting back to the person you were before all of this (I know you were awesome!) It's about learning to be happy again because even though it hurts to breathe, life is short and we deserve to be freaking happy!

    If your ex does come back, it should really just be the icing on the cake to your ego. And then the decision should be yours as to whether or not you even want to trust this person with your heart again.

    Does your ex miss you? Of course they do. If they don't, they are a robot. But the brutal truth is, if they are not contacting you or trying to win you back they just don't miss you enough. And please don't let that take away from your awesomeness because there is someone else out there who will appreciate you.

    I know you're scared they think you don't care, but honestly who gives a fudge? This the person who broke your heart and made you feel like someone died. Do they really deserve to know how much you care? If you are still answering YES, then think of it this way. You care about them, BUT you care about yourself more. You need time to heal and to be able to truly move on which you can't do if you are trying to hold on to someone who let you go. Any decent human should understand that you need some time to do your own thing if they broke up with you. And that you may not (and should not) want to talk to them for a while.

    I know it doesn't seem like it now (I've realllly been there) but I PROMISE you will feel better. There will come a day when you feel like yourself again and that day will be such a great one. And you will be so proud at how strong you were for being able to let go of someone who hurt you.

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    1. I like what you say, but when you say they haven't contacted you because they don't miss you enough...what if they are doing the NC on you?? I'm currently in it and I Know I'm fabulous and a total catch. I'm doing the NC rule and when he broke it off with me, I told him we wouldn't be staying in touch (he said it offhandedly..well, keep in touch...I said, no, that's not gonna happen.) I think he is granting my wish. Its so hard, though. I want to contact him but have no idea what I'd say. "Hi, I know you said you didn't miss me enough when we weren't together, but do you miss me now?" Of course he misses me! I'm a total catch and he knows that. I already have men beating down my door (I'm 43, hot, no kids, no baggage). I doubt he will even bother to contact me because he knows he f-d up. Thank goodness I grew up with brothers who taught me how a guy thinks. When they say stuff to you like that...they mean it. Even if they come crawling back, they still aren't going to suddenly fall in love when they couldn't before. He isn't going to miss me all of the sudden like I want him to. He just didn't want me. I have to get used to that. So the NC rule is for me, not to get him back. I want to move on so I can enjoy someone who appreciates me and does miss me when we're not together. Does my ex miss me now? Probably. Doesn't mean he will come back, eat crow, and say he made a mistake.

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  29. I believe in fate too, my ex of 3 years broke hp with me for the second time.. However, it has been 6 months of no contact.... He told me no where in the near future we will try again and he will be friends one day and maybe give me another shot. But then he told my friend he wants me to move on and leave him alone... We were each others first love. I believe he is my soul mate... I sent him one letter though a month after he dumped me, explaining my feelings and appologizing for my mistakes... He said to his friends he is happy without me.. He won't come to parties I am at and avoids me.... He is still angry about everything but 6 months and he hasnt contacted me.... He has been seeing other girls but just flings... Do you think he will ever come back??

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    1. I am in the exact same boat. Except it's only been a few days since we last spoke/he said he didn't ever want us to be together ever again. I find myself wondering the same thing too - will he ever come back? I don't think anyone knows the answer to that.

      But if he's out there, and he is happy without you, then if anything you deserve to be happy too! With or without him

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    2. I am going through the same thing :( he was really mean to me said he never wants to marry me ever (he was the one who proposed) and doesnt love me anymore. This is the second time. First time we broke up he came back after a month and a half but this time its been 4 months with absolutely no contact (even though I messaged him here and there but he just told me to stop texting him) and things are a big mess.

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  30. Ok so this is going to be so cringeworthy.
    My ex boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half. After our first year he had to move to another country to support his family although he came back three months ago. When he left we said all the normal things like well be ok and I'll see you when you get back ofcourse we thought that would have been two or so years. Anyway, he came back after six months of being there and during that six months I was actually learning to live without him, don't get me wrong I love him. But when he came back, his first intention was to get rid of the relationship to focus on school and stuff like that. Needless to say we didn't break up, although two months has gone by with a whole lot of stress and arguing, we began a cycle. One of us is always in a bad mood when the other is happy, resulting in a fallout furthermore into a breakup. Anyway we get back together, he invites me to visit his family, and two days later I'm telling him how I'm not really happy at the moment, due to stress with family and school and he immediately says he's breaking up with me because he thinks it's him making me unhappy. Now I went through the whole begging and pleading and I went all desperado over the phone, oh! Before I forget, he did this on a phone call at about 1am in the morning. Anyway the next hour or so I was trying to "win him back" crying, pleading... Etc but he wouldn't budge and at the end of it he says he needs to commit to himself before commiting to someone else, but we had already been together for a year? How can he say that as if we had just started the relationship? He then said if it's not mutual then he's dumping me but at the same time he's saying he still loves me??? And then he says he will come say all this in person, but asked me not to touch him because he's still physically in sync?? Now I need to mention that there has been no cheating, none of that. Its been two days since we've spoken. I haven't cried so much in my life. I wake up and cry, get out of bed and cry, go to bed and cry. I'm heartbroken and yet I still don't know where we stand. This NC thing sounds brilliant but I need to know what the hells going on, what do I say to him like obviously it's not going to be a life story but I just need something short and simple to say, that let's him know I love him, and I don't want this regardless of all the bs. Help!!

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  31. This is a great post. I definitely feel not so alone now that (unfortunately) I see so many girls/ladies going through the same thing. After 3 years my bf broke up with me during a rough patch via text message. I thought about him every morning every night all the time, and cried from the pain more times than I could count. But I believe in NC and would not humiliate myself by contacting him. I hoped every time the phone rang it was him. 3 months later he has contacted me. 2 weeks after first contact by him ive had dinner at his house 3 times and been intimate twice. Sadly I know I have no choice but to tell him I cant do this and start over again with NC. The ssooner the better. He says he wants to be friends. And be intimate. Its senseless. Point being if you are strong and get through NC, stick to it...im going to go through the pain all over again.

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  32. My ex and I were together for 7 years but decided to remain friends - we had a great friendship - but it didn't stop him dumping me. We also had joint access of our beautiful dog.

    Anyway, the friendship went well for 3 months until he started dating a real slut. She is the complete opposite of me, tattoo, smoker and peroxide blonde hair. She has quite the reputation in her town even though she is in her 40s. Of course, he is getting a lot of sex from her and treating her like a princess.

    It all unravelled when I was caught checking out her facebook page and was then accused of hacking it a couple of weeks earlier - something I didn't do and wouldn't do. He was so nasty about it and I was so angry to be accused of it, I blocked him on my iPhone. She was clearly trying to drive a wedge between us and she succeeded.

    So, my advice, if he is that stupid to listen to that self-interested accusation of a woman he hardly knows, he is an idiot and not worth it. I am a person of integrity and he knows it but he was too manipulated to see the truth.

    After sending a few texts telling him how angry I was and suggesting she had manipulated the situation, I blocked him. It feels very empowering to have the control over the situation.

    I have been working out at the gym these past few months and started to diet. My clothes are getting looser and I am physically stronger. In 2-3 months time I will look great. But it is for my benefit, not his. I know I will see him again after a month or 2 of NC (great advice by the way) and he will be shocked by my new look and confidence. If he comes back, it will be on my terms. If he doesn't, I will be ready for someone else.

    The NC post makes perfect sense. You are having a bet each way - time to heal for you the dumpee and time for the ex to miss you. If he comes back, you are confident enough to dictate the terms or not go back at all.

    Gotta love it.

    Will keep you updated.

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  33. NC is great advice. It helps you heal and grow stronger and more confident. You are open to other men and if he comes back, you are in a strong bargaining position.

    During the NC period, go to the gym, go on a diet and look and feel terrific.

    I can't wait for my ex to come back after the NC period and see how good I look and feel. I plan to be 2 dress sizes smaller when that happens. It has already started.

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  34. I had this type of experience too and yes it happens to me too..i had my ex bf who doesnt really look like care about me but he said he loves me..the thing is i already fed up with his attitude...even though i still have feelings for him...the title here said no contact okay here it goes...my ex bf ever said to me that dont bother to see him anymore which is the last text to me when i ask me why he keep treating me like he doesnt care...but even though we done sex already then after he text me like that...i decide not to contact him cause it make me heartbreak already..just for 1 week i feel no contact him my mind feel clear cause im not thinking about him anymore while i try to do myself make busy doing other things...then after one week...he suddenly text me on the evening asking how am i...so i respond im fine tq then he ask me that what m doin during holidays n i told him i was busy doing my stuff.. then he said oh okay...he said he tot i was free n want to watch movie with me together...i was like...what is wrong with him..after ignore me then act like nothing happen...then i said i have to check my schedule then he said ok...finally im free then decide go out with him just for a movie...then what happens is that we dont watch movie..he bring to his place n make sex....i was like huh ..is he playing with me or using me? But the next day we finnally watch movie...i really dnk knw what to do...pls help

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  35. It's like day 9?10? of the NC rule for me. And I am VERY tempted to text him. Started when I went to a bar after work with some work friends, and there was a guy there who looked A LOT like him. He must have thought I was weird because I kept glancing at him, trying to figure out if he was my ex :P Alas, he wasn't. I also almost texted him to make sure but behold the NC rule!! This blog really has helped me. NC seems to be the key to help me get over him. Now at the same time, this might not work for everyone, but the break up this time seems different. I'm not upset everyday, the first few days were hard, but I'm happier now. I do have to admit, that my mind still wonders to him. And I wake up wondering if he's texted me (negative). And on a level that I can't understand, I am still kind of attracted to him. Well, to the thought of him. The NC rule has been applied in the past (by him..jerk!), and I didn't know I could ever lose myself but I did. I spent the last five years missing some guy who clearly didn't feel the same way about me. But I know that this experience will make me stronger and I will come out of it, with a better understanding of who I am and who I want.

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  36. I've had a really long and complicated relationship with an ex. After reading this, I realize that he was applying the NC rule to me during our past break ups. I seriously have never heard of it before, stupid as that sounds. Now, the first time we broke up, I was miserable, literally. I missed him every single day and well, I was waiting for him to come back. Now he apparently was missing me too, but not the way I was missing him - can you miss somebody and then hook up with someone else? Well I can't. But still, I was blinded by what I thought was love and eventually I got him back, after almost 2 years. He confided that he had missed me in the time that we didn't talk to each other i.e. the NC rule of nearly two years. (really? And you never did anything about it? chivalry is totally dead)
    And that got me thinking.. what if one of us had manned up and told the other that we were hurting and that we wanted a second try? Could have saved so much time and heartache. Can't believe I cried everyday for that stupid ass! We have done this process a couple of times. Always him doing something wrong i.e. sleeping with another ex while he thinks we're not working and then realizing he screwed up and then walks away, leaving me angry, hurt and heartbroken all at the same time. It's exhausting! Now I may have done something stupid and texted him when I was very upset. But he replied. And now he says he wants to be friends...WTF?

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  37. I was with my ex-boyfriend 4 years. everything was fantastic. I had faith in him and believed him. but when he decided to get married to start his new life he broke up with me! I tried NC. after 30 days I sent him a sms, but didn't answer. now its 20 days passed from NC and he is in a serious relationship and wants to get engaged soon with sb. ! what can I do? how can I calm my heart? bad bad news is that I still love him, and can't believe this :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He married someone else? Or did he tell you he didn't want to marry you? Do another NC for 60 days and start seeing other people. I know its hard, but getting yourself out there and getting used to him being gone is the best way for you to move on and generally, exes have a spidey sense and know when you are finally happy and will come back.

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  38. My LDR bf and I just stop communicating. No fights, nothing. He was pulling away so I didn't message either and we just stopped talking. I am guilty of not asking why but he didn't bother either so I developed ego issues and didn't contact. He is super egoistic and stubborn too so he didn't do that either. After 8 days, I got angry and deleted him off Facebook too although we weren't faking it out to have moved on or posting emo statuses. So I went on my NC and after 30 days of NC from either side, I sent him a light funny message asking how he was doing. The message was "seen" on FB but he didn't bother replying. I don't know what to do now? He hasn't deleted me off Twitter though. Could it mean it's over? I'd like some insight on this.

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  39. Finding the NC rule particularly hard today. I really thought he'd be the one for me. I'm sad that all he wants is friendship - that's not what I want. He's pretty good at the NC rule. Why is it so hard :(

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    1. Im with you! I never realized NC was a thing. I always did it with exes. Why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't want me in a relationship? Usually, the time apart gives me perspective to see that he was wrong for me and I could move on. I wasn't in love. Now I'm actually friends wtih a lot of exes, BUT it took months and sometimes years to get past it all. This time is different for me. Its more painful, I was in love and miss HIM vs. missing the relationship/sex/having a boyfriend. I told him like I tell all the guys that we can't have contact anymore...even as friends. He hasn't contacted me per my wish. THis times its driving me crazy, but I know its best for ME! I'm out dating new guys and I'm totally happy with myself and my life, so I know I can get there. I am just so sad he didn't realize what a gift he had with me. I don't fall in love easily and I did with him. He threw it all away after being stressed out by the holidays and family and something else that I just don't know (something happened the wknd btwn Xmas and NY that triggered his insecurity because we were doing fine until then). Anyhow, I always do the NC after but its still hard.

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  40. I strangely performed the NC act several times when we broke up and didn't even realize it bc I was moving on thinking he was really done for good. And he would start contacting me and coming back to me after a few weeks or months. But this last time I couldn't come to terms with our breakup for some reason, probably bc he processed the divorce. And I went bat shit crazy stalking him and harassing him and begging him to an insane point that it drove him to push me further away. So when I did start the NC with him recently he's been obsessively hanging out with a new girl in his life, even though she has a long distance boyfriend. I wonder now if he will actually miss me if he has someone to connect with him so well on a daily basis. I get the NC rule is to make me lose my feelings for him, but that is ironic if not contradictory bc how would I move on if this is suppose to make you miss the person more?

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  41. Listen up ladies. If a man wants you, he wants you. Sure, the NC rule gives him time to think about things and miss you - but only if he cares. If he doesn't care, he wont miss you and he wont be back for the kind of loving, caring and exclusive relationship you want.

    DO NOT SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST. Your love is wasted on someone who doesn't value it or you, particularly if he treats you badly. Find happiness in yourself and stop looking for it from men. Only then will you atteact the right man.

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  42. Totally understand how NC makes you miss the person. But that's also part of NC - the fact that your ex isn't contacting you probably means he's either not missing you or is but he's trying to move on. And for my relationship, I know the latter is the truth and that's probably one of the hardest things to process. Why do I mean so little to him when he means so much to me? It's really hard not to think about him/the things I'd rather be doing with him instead of how things really are. Really thought he'd be the one for me.

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  43. I'm in NC mode and would say I'm about halfway there to 30 days. However, I'm not sure whether or not I'm cheating on the NC rule(s) by keeping in contact with his parents. I considered his parents MY family. They had always been so caring and loving towards me, invited me on vacations, and supported me through some rough times. I'm about to make a big move across country and I had promised them that I would keep them updated. With them having knowledge of the breakup, I paid a [last] visit to their home (without my ex being present). I wanted to see them because they meant so much to me. The visit to his parents' was closure paired with a difficult and emotional goodbye. I can't say for certain that they would keep our interaction and updates on my life confidential from my ex, but on the flipside they respect me and don't update me on his (unless I asked). Is this unhealthy?

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  44. This has helped me a little bit! My boyfriend ( well ex i guess... Hmm) told me three days ago he didnt think he was 'in love with me' and ended it, leaving me extremely confused. As i haven't seen him face to face since i packed up my belongings from his flat and slammed the door so hard it broke ... Oops, all of our communication has been through text! He says he 'needs space to figure out if he wants to get back in our relationship' but to be honest since he's not actually given me any closure i dont feel we've broken up- am i completely delusional? It came out of nowhere but he said he'd been trying for a couple of months and feela he has given in, though he still loves me and has feelings for me he isnt in love with me... Yuck! I feel im stuck in this limbo, and naturally all ive been doing is getting upset and feel hes probably enjoying himself. Our texts stopped today and ive left the ball in his court. I dont want our relationship to end and why would i? I love him and this decision is completely one sided. However atleast i now know how to try and officially get over him if or when the time comes! :( xx

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  45. 30 days and I haven't contacted him or replied to any of he's messages seen him a few times and have walked past. This kills me but ive kept strong.. i don't know wot to do? I feel like I'll crack.

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  46. Did something retarded. Texted him in a moment of grief. And result? No reply. This blog is right. But I felt like considering he said he wanted to be friends, then isn't that what friends do? - care for each other. Although that was before our fight... I don't know, but I feel like, when I'm feeling like crap (because of something he did), I believe he should know. Why the hell shouldn't he? It's his fault! All I was looking for was an apology. Guess he's not sorry. I think the hardest part of no contact is having someone you knew so well, turn into a complete stranger. And even if you try to rectify the situation, it takes two for that to happen. Going to look for ways to better myself and stop looking/waiting :(

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  47. I'm not sure about the NC rule - I'm 54 and just got dumped by my fiancee after 2yrs - this is the 2nd time he's done it to me- although it hurts like hell i'm not hurting like i did before i ws kinda casual about it when he said he didn't want me around anymore! should i leave all my stuff at his place and instigate the NC rule also what do i do about the engagement ring - do i give it back - another way of seeing him again

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    Replies
    1. I apologize since this comment is older and it's probably all settled by now. But I would ask a trusted friend to pick up your things and return the ring.

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  48. Now I know where my wife got this no contact for 90 days crap! The thing that started us fighting to begin with! A buncha kids playing psychologists! 20 years kiddies! 20 years we've been sleeping together and you all have her believing that 90 days on the couch is gonna make our lives all lovey dovey again instead of sitting down like 2 adult human beings and talking it out! You all need to turn of Dr Quack Phil and start living life and stop messing with people! Im so happy to hear that those who tried to play this game with their "other", lost! Hope you have to see your ex being happy with the "other" person every day!!! Remember, don't try snd get closer to work things out, push them out of the picture and then expect them to come running back! Roflmmfao! Last girl that "thought" that crap "thought" wrong!!!! That was almost 21 years ago. Guess what? Tge man she got after me was nothing but a criminal piece of crap who in jail right now! Ya know what she's doing? That's right, living alone! Guess what? Keep playing games boys and girls, just don't do it with my life! As much as i miss my wife after this month, I actually thought about just packing my stuff and leaving!!!! Great move people, you almost ruined a 20 year marriage! Still may if she keeps insisting we be apart....dumbasses!

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    1. Um I certainly did not recommend no contact with someone you are currently dating or married to. I think communication is key to a successful relationship. I am saying you can't get over someone who broke your heart by keeping them in your life

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    2. Well, I can certainly see why she doesn't want to talk to you. This isn't for people who are married. Its for people who have been dumped and the ex 'still wants to be friends'.

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  49. Me and my ex broke up yeaterday. He said he was feeling unhappy in the relationship and he even lost love towards me. He still loves me a little but he says he dont want any relationship with me or with other person. He says he has to get himself together. I really love him but if hes not happy with me its better to let him go. Idk what to do, he offer me his friendship, but i swear everytime i see him i just wanna kiss him and hug him. I say see him cuz we both go to the same church. Thats where we met. He says that maybe in the future we might be together again once hes ready. Please help me.

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  50. This has been a big help. In this article you are perfectly mapping out everything I'm feeling. I laughed at the part about checking his facebook, because it's just so true. Well done, and thank you.

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  51. NC is very hard. It hurts to the core. I keep trying to think of WHY I need to do it. I cry daily. I curse. I stomp my feet. I hate it. But, I want to be respected and loved and if HE can't do that, he doesn't deserve me. I wish we could read the other persons minds so we KNEW if they cared, or if they didn't! Ugh

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    Replies
    1. You need to do it because you need time to heal, reconnect with old friends and make new ones. You need new experiences and to be able to be open to someone who deserves you. You can't do that when your ex is still in your life. You can't control what he is thinking or feeling, but you can decide that your life is going to be awesome no matter what.

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  52. I have been through it all and the massive pain including my ex of 7 years dating someone else less than 3 months of walking out on me in March. It is tough. Really tough. Forget the NC rule and just focus on the positive and move on. If he comes back he does, if he doesn't, you should have enough in your life not to worry. I went to the gym and focused on my health and nutrition and have never felt or looked so good. I also did meditation and self-hypnosis telling myself to move onward and forward.

    I am now almost whole again and I very much doubt I would take him back anyway. I truly wish him well but myself even better as I need and want to be cherished by a man who appreciates me and will not leave me. My ex cannot give me that and Inthink he did me a favour in leaving me.

    So please, stop focusing on him and cease living in the past. Positivity brings positivity and there is nothing more attractive than a happy and healthy woman with a great attitude to life. This will bring you the better kind of man.

    Blessings to you all xx

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  53. Another thing, if someone wants you they want you. If they can't commit 100 percent, leave them or let them go. My ex also told me he loved me but was not in love with me. That was really hard. I have reached out to his new woman on Facebook and wished them both love and happiness and I received a very gracious and kind reply in return.

    I don't know where their relationship will go as he is not good with commitment but that is not my problem. Learning to let go is key to dealing with this as well as respecting yourself enough to move forward. If he does come back, you will be in a much better position to know if he is right for you and to demand better behaviour and nothing less. You will also have the confidence to leave if he doesn't shape up. And what is more he will know that.

    So forget the NC rule. Just leave him be and focus on yourself. He will come back if he wants to and if you believe he is worthy to be taken back into your life.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your story. As I said the no contact period is and should be about you. I don't think you can get over someone or move on if they are still in your life. For me personally, it is hard during a breakup to say i'm never speaking to him ever again. But setting a realistic time limit to focus on myself helps. One day at a time

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  54. Please check out my follow up post. xoxo
    http://www.theblowoff.com/2014/08/no-contact-pt-2-blow-off.html#.U-Uk5uNdU1I

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  55. After I and my lover spent about 4 years together, my boyfriend told me that we can not be together. and already We were making ready ourselves to get married this year and I was very happy and absolutely ready to marry him. this breakup started when he went a little far from the city where I live, a year before. He found a good job out there. And he promised me to come back in one or two years. In the mean time, I found a job around his place (we take it as a good opportunity for us to start living together) but the company I worked for resist to leave me since I am a responsible person in the company. They offered me a very nice salary increment with huge responsibility of work. Then I told to my boyfriend I preferred to stay where I live and work, since, he has not a plan to live there forever. He was very upset at the moment... and ignored me totally. I tried to contact him but I can’t. Following so much effort he sends me a message saying "our relationship is over". I never expected such a thing to happen, so I got sick. Even after so much begging he allow me to see him, but told me the same thing that it is over. I asked him the real reason. He said, you never listened to me, you never gave me credit, and you disrespected me…..and so on. I never noticed such a thing in our relationship before, so I got shocked and couldn’t say a word in front of him. For me our relationship was perfect. And I really love him. I want to be with him. I send so many letters saying I’m sorry, I tried to contact him but there is no reply. I did everything to attract him and live with him forever but nothing was going through. so I needed a help on how to get my lover back. I had the feelling that he still loves me, though he did not say a word. I needed help seriously. I thought it will never possible to get him back and be the happy couple again? so when I read testimonies about {DR.UNOKOSPELLSHRINE100@GMAIL.COM} I contacted him and he told me that my case is a simple one to solve, so after his consultation and casting of his spell my boyfriend emailed me telling me he was sorry for all that he did to me, that he is ready to marry me now, I was shocked, I never believed that Great Dr Unoko could make such thing to happen with his spell, today I am getting married to my boyfriend, and I will never forget this spell caster I will always talk about him anywhere I go Via number +2348103508204
    Angelina Hocombe.

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  56. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and move on. Sure, the NC period may help some of you if he still has feelings. But don't fool yourselves into thinking that the NC rule will fix things for you all. It won't. Ironically, the more you focus on your own happiness, health, fitness and confidence, the more likely it is he will want you. And the more likely it is you will find someone else. I went to the gym, meditated and reflected and grew stronger and happier as well as getting fitter and leaner. I have lost 10 years in my appearance in 3 months but more importantly, my energy has changed and I am far more positive. Now my ex is calling me every day asking for help with his new girlfriend who is a dark and nasty individual. He is gravitating back to me, dropping hints about us getting back. And you know what? After 6 months of pain, I don't want him any more - even though he dumped me after an 8.5 year relationship.

    So move onward and upward.

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    1. I 100% agree. The NC rule is and should be about you. It sounds like you really took care of yourself during that time and you should be so proud of yourself for doing that.

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  57. I've been with my exboyfriend for 9months.. we were so happy then.. ofcourse we had petty fights but we make sure will fix it bfore the day ends. So then, woke up one morning we were so sweet and planning for our future when suddenly in the afternoon we had a fight. Then it was just too east for him to tell me that he needed space he needed time to think. Week passed and I asked him if we can talk about what happened then he suddenly said *it will ve better if will just stay friends* and i was like why??? What tge hell happened to us?? He wouldnt give me an answer. Then a week after i heard he's dating someone else and doing some activities which he didnt do when were together.. i decided to have the nc rule but i always fail to do it. Wgen i text him he'll give a reply.. and when he texts me i'll give a reply. I don't know now what to do. I ASKED him to give me a closure but he just wouldn't....

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    1. Honestly, the only closure you ever really get is when YOU decide to let go and move on. I am pretty sure he's not going to give you the answers you want to hear, he may not even know the answers himself (and we know how guys are at articulating their feelings). Things are always great in the beginning, but sometimes for reasons that may even be inexplicable, people grow apart. things become hard, feelings change. The best thing you can do for yourself is live your life, have fun, and trust that what's meant to be will be (though I feel a feeling there;s something much better in store for you)

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  58. I agree with the N/C rule. I invoked it minutes after being blown off by my partner/fiancee due to his sudden 'change of heart'. Has it been difficult? You bet! After being together 5 years to suddenly lose everything you have known and being faced with solitude...but each day / now 4 months / I can congratulate myself for showing strength despite my sorrow and not losing my self esteem by texting or calling. I frankly don't care anymore if he cares or feels guilty or whatever. It's totally my life and I make decisions based on what's good for me....and he isn't part of the equation. I know it's difficult but I agree with the reply about moving forward not backward. It does get better with time ... And just one contact with him/ her / and realizing they don't care anymore is that LAST thing you need to hear! Stay strong

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  59. Day three of NC after kicking him out. For the second time he's gone back to his ex/not ex wife. It only lasted 4.5 months and only 3 of them were really good, this is our second breakup. He went back to her the first time too, but says he just "stayed" on her floor. This time they're back in a real relationship, but he's a narcissist of the first order. I am dreading when he gets tired of apologizing and if he tries contacting me. I know I am way better off without him, I just need to get through the next 27 days to prove it to myself. Seeing a counsellor to work on me. Still can't sleep or eat, but I know I am better off with out him. NC was my first thought as soon as we broke up. I need time to get over him. I will get over him.

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  60. This has been super helpful. Hoping my ex contacts me, but if he doesn't it wasn't meant to be.

    Thank you.

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  61. I feel so much stronger and better now. My ex has now broken up with new woman who wasn't anything he thought she was (to be fair he didn't leave me for her). He is beginning to realise what he had with me and is keen to rekindle our friendship and is even open to more down the track. He is a very good man but you know what? After 6 months of working through my issues, I am stronger, fitter, mentally sharper and emotionally more independent. I know what I want and am prepared to walk if I don't get it.

    Time does heal particularly if you take the time to be positive and do positive things. Will I take him back when he comes back? I honestly don't know. I am open to other men now and whilst I still love my ex, I am keen to get what I want now. He could lose out.

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  62. Day 15 NC. I saw his bday coming up and I just don't want to deal one way or another so decided the best option for me was to go NC (which I should have done long ago) and protect myself. Its a no-win situation: he replies as a sensitive human and I feel good in the short run (but no long run) or he replies as a jerk, or worse he doesn't reply at all. Just don't want any of the above so the only choice is NC. Doesn't mean it isn't hard... note, I am still counting the days...

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    1. I promise you there will come a time when you stop counting the days. The pang in your heart will go away and you will start having fun again. There is a guy out there who can't wait to meet you :)

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  63. I was dating someone who didn't have a divorce that was final, she filed over a year ago, and he was adamant it was over and never wanted to go back to the dead end she was.... a month into it, she caught wind of me and it was like a tornado.. he ended up sleeping with her, and telling me to step aside until it was final. mistake on my part to be involved, but I trusted him. it's been 2 weeks of NC and he emailed me! the D is still pending (is public record) do I continue NC for another two weeks?

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  64. I was with someone we will be 2 years in 2 months, when we started dating i was clear since the first day i met him i was looking for something serious and i wanted a relationship which he agreed and said he was also looking for something serious, after 8 months and cheating on me he said he wasnt ready for a relationship but that he still wanted to be with me, i got mad so many times and sometimes i didnt see him like for a months, but he was still looking for me, texting and calling, so i was still hanging in there, so like 4 months ago he told me he had a gf to marry in his country if i wanted to be his close friend, which i said no, cuz i didnt waited 2 years and went through all the things i forgave him to end being his friend. and besides that was really disrespectful knowing that im a good woman. so i started again the NCR which i do it perfectly cuz i still can see him and see nobody.. but didnt last a week, cuz again he started looking for me, calling me, texting.. so i came back thinking he wanted to make things work now.. and what i got was him telling me he wanted to have good times, so, i got really mad, i have a few days i barely talk to him, but he keeps being there texting me constantly, i asked him why he keeps looking for me, and he says he knows im a good woman and he has no reason to stop looking for me, so im considering on changing my number, so he has no open doors to contact me at all. what to you guys think. ?!

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  65. NC didn't work for me!
    It's more than 2 month after NC that I asked him to see him. He said he has some works to do and he is too busy! He told me he himself would tell me when see each other.
    Now what do you think?! I'm still waiting for him! And I still love him. He is still in my heart, and it hurts!

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    1. I'm sorry girl, it sounds like it's just time to move on. No guy is worth waiting for and you are spending time and energy on someone who for whatever reason, is not on the same page as you. It's time to focus on having new experiences and being open to someone who will appreciate you

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    2. Last week he accepted to see each other. I saw him. It was for only I think 20 minutes. He didn't want to stay for long. I told him I still cannot forget him, and love him. I asked him is there anyone new in his life? He said NO. He said there no hope for us to be together, just maybe 1%! He asked me not sms him and call him for 3 weeks, and then he will ask me to see each other and talk. he said he needs time to think. I accepted that. But in facebook I saw a new girl is flirting with him somehow! So I send him a messege and told him I am really afraid that you have someone new. Later he told me Yes! there is someone new in my life. and she saw your messege. And it is my fault that I break my promise and contact him. After that he post on his FB that he is in relationship with that girl, and reveal everything! They put Heats And said they love each other too much, ...But before that told me don't pay attention to whatever happened in FB! I will contact you my self 2 weeks later.
      Now I'm really confused. Would you please tell me why he is telling me to wait? I mean What should I have to do? Is there any hope for getting back together? Or as you said I have to move on?

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    3. Hi Anonymous, what you should do is nothing. His new relationship more likely than not won't last, but you need to focus on yourself. I realize I'm writing this a month after the fact and you might have already tried to contact him, but please don't. He's keeping you as a safety net in case things with this new girl fall through. You're giving him the confidence and security to move on without you every time you message him and demonstrate that you "need" him more than he needs you. This is why you need to go NC. It's possible that he's not serious about this new girl, but if he's ever going to reconsider things with you, it'll only happen when you disappear and let him wonder. He can't miss you if you're always there. But please, please, please... love and respect yourself enough to not wait for him. I know it's hard, but you need to let go. He'll only begin to value you if you value yourself enough to not be treated like an option.

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    4. Once I gave him a distance and now his in love with someone else! I don't have courage not to contact him! I think may loose him forever, but now still I have time before being too late! Sometimes I send him sms and talk to him, and he answer me briefly. You know what? I'm actually an option for him, and he is thinking to stay with her or come back to me! He's saying he doesn't know and he's not sure about what decision he takes! He says he doesn't know who is in his heart, or do I have any place in his heart yet or not!!!
      I know that I must not wait for him. But I can't. And It's too hurting :(

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  66. 30 days is not enough time if one was in love for multiple years & living with the same person say 10+ years like in my two decade relationship.

    With me, I got very ill with MS towards the end & things didn't look good for prognosis. I had been the one who most years had paid all the bills but now he was paying most of the bills and there I was nearly bedridden almost a year so to him, I must have seemed like a bum and burden.

    I never fell out of love with him but he had with me probably a long time before he dumped me that Christmas and the emotions of being told you are loved and things will work out a week before Christmas then three days before Christmas told you were never loved and it is over is something you do not have a reasonable mind in 60 days let alone 30..

    If it has been a 5+ year relationship it takes a YEAR to deal with it. It it was just some 1-4 year relationship, you are going to get okay pretty fast six months or less but rule of thumb you do not just get over things like that and it take 1/2 the amount of time to really put it all behind you so a 1 year relationship takes 6 months 20 years will take you 10 YEARS to put it all behind you.

    I too have learned what to or not to do but I have not had a successful relationship obviously. I did fool him by getting better with MS and am on my way to financial success on my own and probably will just stay single and no hookups either. I feel as if I am done with that kind of love and I don't need sex. I'd rather be single, wealthy and happy with friends and family than getting heartbroken or in a bad relationship or for me a hookup would mean I end with feelings while he just got rocks off and is on to next so I might stay single now. Besides, at my age, no one really wants a person at or over 50 in the States.

    Sorry to be Debbie Downer but it is the truth.

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    1. No, there is no magical number when it comes to getting over someone. It can take days or it can take years. But some of it is up to you. You can choose to wallow in your misery for a long time, or you can do everything in your power to feel better. In the book "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" (which i highly recommend to every person who has posted on this blog) Greg says that how long it takes to get over someone is directly proportional to how you feel about yourself. So stop with the numbers and do what you can to love yourself.

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  67. I'm currently on day 27 of NC. The only text I sent was when I posted his keys I had to his place two weeks ago to let him know I'd done so. He broke up with me after 1 year completely out of the blue as he said he'd not been feeling too happy and this is the hardest thing I've ever done as I was prepared to settle with this person tomorrow! I think of him every day and night and it's killing me but he has to realise he has done this so he has to deal with it as much as I do. He said he was confused as he loves me and cares about me but I know he suffers with some depression so I think that was a factor in the breakdown of our relationship. I'm confused as to whether I should one day let him know I'm there for him to talk to if he is genuinely depressed about other things (he had a lot of awful news to deal with in the last two years) or just continue to leave it and see if I bump into him or he reaches out to contact me...

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  68. Just to clarify, I do not think 30 days is the amount of time it takes to get over someone whether you have been with them for 10 years or 2 months. There is no time limit you can set on that and everyone heals at their own pace. Pain is pain. But when you first break up with someone, you are going to miss them. You may want to reach out to them just to feel better even for a minute, to try and get closure, etc. So I personally find it helpful to set reasonable and tangible goals. I am also not saying contact him on day 30. Or 60. I am saying take some time to do you and try to heal. If you are merely counting down the days until you can speak with him, then its counterproductive. I PROMISE you that if he wants to get in contact with you then he will. I hope that during the no contact period you all realize you want someone who is sure about you. But if you are truly doing you, it's been a few months and you still can't stop thinking about him, reaching out again is your prerogative.

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  69. Sammi, you speak a lot of good sense. The NC rule is primarily about you and working out what is best for you.

    My ex dated a woman who did meth after we broke up and he was so appalled he left her. She was also a real liar and very manipulative and I think has mental health issues. He told me he needed space to consider getting back with me.

    Anyway, during this time she was really persistent and wouldn't let him go. He spent a couple of nights with her and then realised he didn't trust or love her.

    He is now having his space again to clear his head.

    I know you will be thinking that if I had not followed the NC rule, he wouldn't have slept with her. And sure, I am disgusted with him. But 2 good things have come out of it. He realises he doesn't want her and I see him for being weak when it comes to a woman who uses sex to get a man. He is now very much diminished in my eyes and estimation.

    So now it is different. If he wants me he will have to work for me and prove his worth. And both of us have changed a lot since he left md out of the blue. But if he doesn't want me and can't see my value, then I am better off and he is the loser and not the man with whom I fell in love.

    Either way, I win.

    If a guy doesn't want you, he doesn't want you,

    Take care.

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  70. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  71. really ur comments made me smile when i haven't in a while! me and my exboyfriend broke up 2 weeks ago. because i gave him hard time being over emotional and negative the past couple of months prior to our break up! the NC rule is very important .. i tried texting and calling him to explain myself to him straight after the break up he wouldn't even listen .. every time i try calling again.. his tone raises up and becomes more harsh! he needs his space and i need my space too til this dust of the break up settle. i know he will miss me during the NC which gonna make my approach easier in 30 days!

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  72. The "No Contact" rule may be the most over-rated, over-hyped startegy employed by people in an attempt to ressurect a relationship that is better left dead and buried.

    It is fraught with problems. First, even if it should bring two people back together, it does create a fresh start but brings them back to the point in the relationship where the wheels came off. Generally, breakups are not mutually agreed upon: somebody wants out; the other desperately wants in.
    Should a person successfully get a person whpo broke up them with them to reconsider econnecting, there will be major trust issues to deal with and once trust is violated it is extremely difficult to regain. Second, only about 1:4 couples who break up get it right the second time. I recently asked a girl who was devastated after a breakup, "How will you feel if it doesn't work out this time?" She said, "Worse.".

    Ideally, break-ups should have an "organic" movement--like divorces preceeded by seperations. A couple decides to see how life is without each other, they talk about the relationship, try to fix any issues, and if they are irreconcileable, the individuals involved realize it, and go their seperate ways.

    Whe "No Contact" is used as a Hail Mary Pass to save a relationship it may very well put the nail in a coffin in one that could be saved. Perhaps the person that wanted out still cares for you and wants to see how you're doing but you cut them off. That's not love or affection; that's manipulation.


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    1. I think Sammi's point is that the no contact rule is mostly to make yourself feel better and to help you move on from the relationship. If it ends up getting the ex to come around, then that's kind of an added bonus. I agree getting back together has its own set of issues. I'm a big believer in having no contact with exes after a break-up mainly because i think it's the best way to try to get over someone. Trying to stay friends and having regular contact will just make things hurt all over again when your ex finds someone new.

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    2. Yes 100%. I don't think you should use NC as a strategy to get your ex back. NC is about getting YOURSELF back. And getting to a point where if your ex does come back, you are in a good place to decide if giving the relationship another chance is what you really want to do. I believe time and space are essential to the healing process and give perspective.

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  73. (1 1/2 yr relationship) It's funny... I'm reading all of these posts and I'm glad I'm not the only one who failed at the NC rule initially. I was scared at the fact of going from talking everyday to NC all together. the first week was hard and I broke down messaged my ex about how the NC rule was hard for me. I knew I could do it but I was trying to ease myself of the drug called relationship 101. After that day he blocked me and it got even harder. But now towards the end of the 30 days I now realized that I needed to be my own person and stop relying on my ex. Sad to say I did have to contact him to get some important things left at our apartment. The first time was murder! I could see the look in his eyes saying "I know why she's here I told her to stay away and she's breaking the rule" but I kept it cut and dry. I said hi, got my stuff and left took only 30secs, which i think was a total suprise to him, because again I had to go back to the apartment. Same kind of scenario. Missing items, but this time he had a different presence about him. He was alot warmer than usual but I still kept it short, 30sec, and left. I'm still scared what the future will hold. I honestly don't know if he misses me, if when the 30 days are up he will contact me but I am alot better knowing that whatever happens I can survive without him. =) Love the article btw.

    P.S. trying to stay friends with your ex, in my case is the worst mistake I ever made but I will say that the no contact rule does work because after the breakup 6 months later he was blowing up my phone begging for me to come back and he still does almost 2 yrs later.

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  74. I apologize that this may be long but I am desperate. My ex and I broke up mid July because he said "I wasn't ready." Basically, what that meant was that I was too fat and I hadn't been working hard enough to lose weight and I wasn't losing weight fast enough. Since then, I have lost 30 lbs and I am working really hard on bettering myself. Anyway, when he broke up with me, he told me that the people at his work didn't understand why he was with me, they "just didn't get it" and they decided to hook him up with someone who they thought would "fit better with him." She used to be a cheerleader and she works out a lot and he even showed me her profile on facebook but he insisted that he and I would be together once I lost the weight. He wanted to continue being my friend (of course with benefits) and he insisted that he wasn't and wouldn't date her. He then started ignoring my texts on certain days but would fly into a fit of rage when I was out with my friends, insisting that they were trying to fix me up with someone else or that I was out dating other guys and if that was the case, I should lose his number, etc. etc. etc. I went through this rollercoaster for two months when he finally told me that her dad was in rehab for 30 days and that she needed him but when her dad got out, that he would be done with her and he and I would be back together. Well, 30 days came around and he was still seeing her and me on the side. I tried to initiate no contact a couple of times but he would become enraged and then I would go back to talking to him because I didn't want him to be upset. About 10 days ago, I finally initiated no contact. He contacted me the first 3 days with angry messages claiming that "I launched a slander campaign against him and not to contact him but then at the end of the messages he would say it is up to you to keep this "friendship going" I remained strong but he has not contacted me since.

    Today, I messed up and peeked at his facebook and he has a picture of her and him as his profile picture but his cover photo is one that he took on one of our adventures. He wouldn't be friends with her on facebook for 3 months because he was "protecting the one he loved" [me]and now they are the "perfect happy couple." That kills me inside even more than all of these events in the past couple months have. To make matters worse, her friends are stalking me on facebook and pintrest and I have never met them in my entire life.

    I still have not contacted him. What I am wondering is, is he really happy with her? Will he ever contact me again? Will this no contact thing really work? Do I even have a chance anymore? I miss him so much and I don't want to lose him. Please help.

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    1. I feel like if a guy loves you then he loves you for you regardless of your weight. I'm sorry, but the way he handled that situation makes him seem like a super douche who doesn't deserve you. If you are losing weight, exercising and trying to get healthy for YOU that is fantastic. I think looking and feeling amazing is important, but at the end of the day you need to feel good about yourself and the right person for you will accept the you that you love.

      I can't tell you if he's really happy with her. Or if he will ever contact you again. If I had to guess, the way he's reacted to your no contact, the way that he's flaunted their relationship, says that he has a lot of growing up to do and he has insecurities of his own to flesh out. I understand missing him and that what i'm about to say is soooo much easier said than done but you really need to try and stop worrying about him and start taking care of yourself. Reconnect with friends, go to the gym, take a class, find ways to be happy without him. If he does come back I truly hope you are in a great place where you realize that you deserve soooo much better. Because you seriously do

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  75. Oh wow, am very amazed by all these comments. I honestly thought that nobody knows how i am feeling but having read these comments i feel motivated to carry on!

    Recently broke up with my ex because we had so many issues in our relationship and i will not seat here and say i did not contribute to the mess coz that would be a lie. During the relationship he was very close to so many women whom he claimed where friends i never trusted him. Anyway towards the end of the relationship we moved in together and that is when things got really messy i mean we could not go a day without arguing and he jsut started getting on my nerves. Anyway he went on holiday for a week when i discovered about a lady whom he'd claimed where friends but in fact there where more than friends. What annoyed me was he completely blamed me for this saying that i pushed him to it blah blah blah so you see it was a complete mess. Anyway i left the place just before he came back and texted him saying that i would go over to collect my things when he came back.
    When he got back he called me and we spoke for almost an hour trying to figure out wtf happened it was weird because none of us was upset at this point we concluded that this relationship was not going to work and decided to call it quits. I went over to his place and what was even weirder is that we acted as though we were still together, i almost forgot we broken up. This time while i was there we spoke about us and he said he still loved me, he still so a future with me, he still wanted to be with me but can not at the time. And i know that he has been stressed lately with his fam, work uni etc so there was quite a lot of factors that contributed to the dysfunction of our relationship, when we started living together i started seeing a diff person he was always just grumpy stressed and i felt like whatever i did was not appreciated. We said we would stay friends and still keep in touch etc as he claimed he still cared for me and just wanted me to grow up a lil. hes birthday was the day after. Soon as i got home i sent him a happy birthday text he never responded so i thought or never mind he might just be busy out or something. A few days later i texted him again asking how he was and never replied so i am confused as to why he is now ignoring me now when he was the one who was keen to keep in touch saying he never want us to be far from each other blah blah. I just feel like wth. I am hurt as i keep thinking about him all the time, checking my phone if he has texted me. Nothing!! i am now applying the no contact rule. I still do care for him but i can not imagine us getting back together i mean i just cant see how we would after everything that went down. I still do hope that one day we can talk etc. does anyone think he would ever come around?

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    1. So basically what you are saying is that this guy cheated on you, you argued every day, he was grumpy and annoyed you, doesn't respond to text messages, and is being totally wishy washy. And you want to be with him why??

      Ok I know that's harsh because I've been there. I fell in love with a guy who could take or leave me and did the absolute minimum to keep me around. And because I couldn't imagine being with anyone else or starting over (we had gotten so comfortable and don't even get me started on the amazing sex) I settled for a part time maybe situation that was so far beneath me. I wasted years of my life on a guy who wasn't sure about me. The highs were high, but they weren't worth all the times I felt anxious, insecure, jealous, not good enough. I am not that girl. I hate that girl. But with him I was that girl.

      Here's the thing: we are at the stages in our lives when relationships should be easy and fun. This is honeymoon time because once you add babies, mortgages, etc to the mix, it's gonna get much harder. So if things aren't easy and magical now...let's just say they are only gonna get harder.

      I think its time for YOU to come around and realize that you deserve someone who appreciates you, who is honest with you, who you can trust. Who will be there for you, and do everything in his power to make you happy. Nothing that your wrote describes a type of guy who seems capable of that type of relationship.

      Take the good memories you had with him and put them in a box far away. He was part of your story, but he's not the end of your story. Bigger and better is just around the corner and you should really be thankful that you are free to find someone you don't have to write about

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    2. My situation is that he initiated a time out break. We live on opposite sides of the world, and it is an online relationship. We have been together for 15 months, and have emailed every day, phone and have also met up. It truly was a loving relationship, however, my insecurities surfaced, I showed neediness, and he asked for a 4-6 week break. I waited a week to reply to his request for space to give me time to calm down and write a reply not filled with emotion. I simply said I will honour his need for space, I hope that we can find our way back to each other after the break, and signed off with ‘until then’. I have not contacted him since, nor him me, as that was what the space thing was all about. I am now at the end of the 6 week break period, and I have heard nothing from him. Today I feel again like the day he asked for a break, all the hurt, anger, confusion, and tears have returned. it would have been more humane to end it 6 weeks ago. I am putting everything into trying not to send off an email asking for some sort of closure. I am grateful he showed me that I could love again, but now I think I have lost all trust in people, and feel that even though I had worked on my neediness issues during the break, and held the belief that all he wanted was to give me time to reflect on my behaviour as well as his own feelings, but now I’m afraid this experience has shown that my insecurities were somewhat founded. Maybe I’ve led a sheltered life, but I really didn’t think that he or people would play with someone’s emotions like that, when I was so honest with about everything, I expected the same in return. I still love him so much, miss him like crazy, even though I starting to realise that he doesn’t deserve my love. I know that if I haven’t heard from him by now, with the kind of relationship we had, I will never hear from him again. It’s like the last 15 months have been wiped away. Would it be wise to send an email in a few weeks, to either ask what is going on, or give him something to reflect on by way of his method of disappearance? Please help before I send off something that will jeopdise any way of rekindling something in the future with him.

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  76. I am just another person in the same situation as most of you.. I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half; the relationship FLEW so fast that it feels like 10 years. 2 weeks after meeting me, he told me he was madly in love with me. He would constantly text/call me from work whenever he had free time, spend every second with me, and even told me he pictures me as his wife. 3 months after meeting him, he begged me to move in with him. His logic was, "were together every day anyway". He's the first guy I EVER lived with so it was a pretty major step for me but I did end up moving in. A few months after moving in, our relationship started getting so bad. He changed COMPLETELY. He grew so comfortable with me being around he no longer felt the need to give me that affection or love anymore. I grew resentful every day because I felt as if he wasn't the same man I fell in love with. However, I grew such a strange attachment and bond with him and with his apartment, I didn't want to leave. It felt like my home; I was there more than he was due to the fact that he has 2 jobs. Despite how bad things were going, I absolutely loved going to sleep with him and waking up with him in the morning.
    After 7 months of constant bickering, we both agreed that our relationship would probably be better if I moved back home.. That part wasn't difficult for me, even though I did miss the apartment. We spent the entire summer together happy, with very little arguments. September came, and the arguments started again and just kept getting worse and worse. At times I strongly believed we were only really staying together because of how good the sex was between us. Our chemistry is insane and we've both experimented with sexuality in so many different ways that were new to both of us. But it came to the point where the only time we weren't arguing was when we were having sex.

    (CONTINUED BELOW DUE TO LENGTH)

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  77. My resentment towards him became SO bad that I became such a needy, naggy type of girl that I NEVER thought I'd become. His lack of affection towards me when we weren't having sex bothered me so much. I don't believe that he has been fair to me in a lot of ways, but I can also admit to my own mistakes. However, we both always told each other that we need to just accept the fact that we'll never break up because our love is too strong. A major tragedy struck him in October; he lost one of his jobs, which has been his main career for 14 years. He has been on a downward spiral ever since which hasn't helped our relationship at ALL and has only torn us apart more.
    2 weeks ago I had positive pregnancy tests. I took 3 in total, all were positive. He's in no way, shape or form ready to have a baby, I know that. But ultimately, the decision was mine. He wanted me to end the pregnancy SO badly, but made it seem like it was my choice. Then out of nowhere he said things to me that he hasn't said in months.. Things like, "this pregnancy made me think about life and I realize now that we need to get serious with our lives" he also told me that he's going to propose to me on Christmas so that if something like this happens again, we'll actually be in a committed relationship. 75% of me didn't believe him. I had this feeling that he was SO desperate for me to get an abortion, he was saying anything to me to make it happen. A few days after his supposed "realization", I started bleeding. He took me to the doctor and they did a bunch of tests and figured out that I WAS pregnant but had an early miscarriage. He acted like he felt so bad that night, he took me on an overnight trip out of town in order to get away from it all. 2 days after that, he told me he needs a break. I was honestly blindsided, but not majorly surprised. I felt, and still feel, SO hurt about the fact that he broke up with me 1 week after he just told me he wants to propose to me on Christmas and have a real life together, 3 days after my miscarriage, and 10 days before Christmas. It still makes absolutely no sense to me. Like I said, I'm not an idiot and I KNOW our relationship had so many problems. But it just feels so wrong and makes absolutely no sense.

    (MORE BELOW)

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  78. That was a week and a half ago.. In this week and a half, I have made all the major mistakes. Day 1 I DID block his number from my phone but he made his DAUGHTER call me and beg me to take him off block and call him. I did, and I explained why I blocked him but after having a conversation I told him I'd keep him off block. 3 days later he asked me to see him.. I did, but my anger was so intense it turned into a disaster and he felt like I was "bashing" him. Then I made the mistake of feeling bad for my behavior so asking him for a "do over" a couple of days later. I also had Christmas gifts I bought for him a month ago sitting in my room so I wanted to give them to him. He cried when he opened the gifts and told me how sorrowful he felt but STILL he needs this break to figure his life out. Then he practically BEGGED me to have sex with him and finally I gave in (I honestly did resist him for a half hour or so), but halfway through he stopped and told me it wasn't the right thing to do because it was only going to confuse us both. OKAY! The VERY next day he asked me to see him again. And like an idiot, I did. It was supposed to be a 1 hour meet up but it turned into an all night thing filled with sex. And again, he told me he felt extremely guilty and asked me to not hold it against him. OKAY! The VERY next day (which was 2 days ago), he called me and asked me if I wanted to go eat with him. I'm a stupid idiot who said okay. After these 4 days of hanging out with him after our "break up", I finally decided to approach the subject of working things out instead, and he basically said no. His reasoning is that things have gone from bad to worse between us and the constant arguing and fighting is way too much. Christmas Eve just passed and he outright REFUSED to see me.. Now tomorrow he's leaving for 3-4 days on some kind of "soul searching" mission to figure his life out.

    AGAIN, I understand that the loss of his job is probably partially to blame for his erratic behavior these days. He worked there for 14 years, I know it must be extremely difficult. But in reality, our relationship wasn't all that great before the loss of his job and I feel like he's using that as an excuse.

    Sorry for this long run on story, but it helps knowing that other people are in this situation. I have a broken heart on Christmas Eve and Christmas which is bad enough, but not knowing how/why he can completely throw our love away so easily is very bothersome. So is not knowing or understanding why he wanted to see me on 4 different days after he broke up with me. I honestly am NOT even the one who calls him after the break up, he calls me. I'm just dumb enough to feel that temptation to pick up the phone every time.

    I know that the no contact rule will probably work on me. I'm scared of it because I've made him such a large part of my life and the fact that he's the first guy I ever lived with makes it even harder.. So does the fact that for a year and a half he's introduced me to EVERYONE as his wife and has told me that in his heart I am his wife already. In reality, I feel like I'm in a middle of a divorce than a break up, which makes it even harder. So I want to know, do you think the no contact rule will work on him? Will he come crawling back if I cut him off completely, or will he just simply move on?

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  79. And P.S. he wants to see me again on Monday the 29th so that he can give me a Christmas gift. This is going to be after his 3-4 day "soul searching" trip which I don't even know where he's going or what he plans on doing during this trip. I think It's best to decline that, even though I know how hard it will be to do it. I don't even know what I want from him anymore at this point, all I know is that I WANT HIM to realize his mistakes and miss me and know how it feels to have to grovel at someones feet.

    Okay, that's all!

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  80. Why do women always pine for ex-es who treated them badly in the relationship? My ex was one who deserved none of my kindness. He is not a bad person, but not a good man for any woman. Yet, I'm very much saddened whenever I think of him and I still miss him a lot, 4 months post-breakup.

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  81. wow good to see so many people on the same phase. btwn i had a friend who liked me and of course i liked him too.he said tat he doesn't usually go for relationships and commitments and i was absolutely fine with it. then we became soo close in a month and we started discussing about relationships. everything was absolutely fine. he was kinda interested but suddenly we both had to go out of town due to personal reasons and we couldn't contact each other much. and moreover he was busy with his work so i did not disturb him much. after a few days he said that he doesn't want to commit and i said ok lets be friends and he agreed.after a week he said that he doesn't want to be even friends with me. he said he felt that he doesn't need all these and that he is not interested. and tats it here i am with NC. i have absolutely no contact with him and am going mad. i texted hm crying so much but i got no reply from him after that.i have no idea whether he is missing me or not. and i don't know if he is gonna come back or not.

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  82. We have seen each other but never talked to each other face to face it all started with texts,facebook, n calls we use to talk for hours n we still talk but now he is very busy with his work and studies, he proposed me ,he wants me to make his wife, i dont know he loves me or not because he shows interest in other girl while talking to me, he shouldn't if he loves me, he says that she is love , i didn't say yes to him but we r more than frnds i love him i care for him n he does too it's been 3 years to our friendship n still counting.. now he is very busy n i am left over i miss him badly but i wont tell him i want to stand infront of him like a big piece of rock i dont want to lay down infront of him like water i will always make fun of him i wont tell him my true feelings i miss him but i think he dont.. we r nearly in a relationship but now i think he have lost interest frm me.

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  83. I just wanted to thank you for the new mantra which will now govern my month of NC: "Everyday that you don't talk to him, makes you a ninja" ....
    Absolute gold! :)

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    1. Aw so glad that was helpful. You got this girl :)

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  84. My ex left me almost 12 months ago. A month after that he dated a crazy ho. A turbulent relationship it finally ended after 6 months. He and I kept in contact the whole time which was really hard for me as he shared his problems in his new relationship with me.

    Anyway, we had been talking about getting back and things were getting lovely between us UNTIL he cracked it over a minor issue. I was pretty upset but I wasn't going to put up with such bad behaviour. So I told him I wouldn't talk to him until he apologised. Two weeks down and still hasn't happened.

    I have been steadfast in my refusal to blink first as it is important he make the first contact. It must come from him as he has to learn from his mistakes and clean up his mess.

    As each day goes by, the stronger and more independent of him I become. I have been through this before with him and each time he goes on like this, he diminishes our relationship and my opinion of him.

    But this is the best bit. In that short period I have met someone else. An amazing man. So when my ex comes back, I wont be there. Stupid man.

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  85. My Boyfriend and I broke up after 7 years. Im 26 and he is 25. I love him dearly and I miss him very much. He doesn't drive so I took him anywhere he needed to go. I take him to his hair appointments,work and other places that he needed to go for 7 years. Everything started with some girl and the rumors she is 18 she does not drive either. Rumors at his work place saying they would vanish on there breaks together and at party's I confronted him for it and he said to me that people wanted to start shit and they are just friends and they aren't alone. I threatened the girl to back off twice and stop texting him so much. And it didn't work. He got mad at me cause he said I didn't trust him enough and he told he that he just wanted to be friends with her but i trusted him not her. In the end he wanted to break it off first we agreed to the breakup and I told him that one day when the bullshit and drama goes away we could seek each-others affection again and he agreed. I'm very close to his family and they say that im still part of the family even-though we been broken up almost 2 months and no contact. I talk to his mom all the time and she tells me that he still does not like that girl romantically and they are just friends....his mom does not want him to date a 18 year old lol. I also wonder If he still thinks of me on a regular basis I do miss him but I will not look like a desperate bitch for him. I have done everything for him for 7 years. I would cook him breakfast, take him to work and pick him up. His hair and eye appointments and cook dinner for his family He still lives with his father and his brother at the apartment. His dad loved me and heard everything that was going on and said that he wanted me to stay A part of his family as well. I also live with my mom and dad......yea im broke all the we couldn't afford to get our own place. over the past 2 months he has been walking where he needs to go or his best guy friend would pick him up or his brother or dad. I think his best friend who has a car is not coming around much since hes been seen walking more he is getting the hint. After being with someone for 7 years I cant just be friends with him. I would like to work it out with him but if he ever starts dating this girl I do not want to contact or be friends with him ever again.

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  86. Tmrw makes day 30!!! After a year of constantly initiating, i never thought I could make it 30 days. I guess he hurt me enough for me to finally WANT to prove to him that my worth and my value are priceless. It was when he least expected it...he thought i would dangle on that string forever and just like that--i stopped responding to his texts. 12 days later he texts me he misses me and i ignore him. I'll wake up crying in the middle of the night, or in the morning...times when I would call him and we'd have the most intimate conversations...but he needs to miss that...i can feel he misses it and I want to be the one that got away...or...that re-claimed her status as his dream girl because in the beginning he was terrified of me and he tricked me into falling into a habit of over compensating...so im doing 60 days, and then I'll decide on perhaps 5 months. That's what I really want to do...5 months of no contact...so when i see him again...he'll know exactly what he lost and if he's not inspired to man-up, who wants him? because i sure dont! and without being mean, i'll be oozing the message he was never good enough for me (we both knew it) and that's no one's fault:)

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    1. This is about you learning to love yourself and being happy with who you are, independent of a man. I suggest you do yoga, exercise and meditate and learn to do this. When you see him again, if he is worthy of you and makes you feel even more confident and happy, then he may well be good for you. If not, then instinctively you will do what is right for you.

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    2. So impressed girl. You are a strong woman indeed

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  87. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half and we were extremely close and did most things together. We are both 18 and in our senior year of high school. A month ago he randomly told me he wanted a break for a week to just have some space and figure things out. When that was over he broke up with me out of the blue after promising everything was fine. After that I begged and pleaded for him back for almost a week and we stopped talking for a few days and then he decided to give it another shot. We were back together for 2 weeks and he was extremely distant and was emotionally absent. So of course I tried to make up for his slack my being overly affectionate. Which pushed him away and then we just broke up again mutually Friday night. But then I realized I couldn’t let him go and that I need him in my life because I truly believe he IS the ONE!! He agreed to meet up and talk about things and I pleaded and begged for him back and he said he needed to think about things. That night and the next day I sent multiple messages telling him how much I love and need him in my life(which I’m not proud of) and he told me that he just needs space and that we can talk about all this again in 3 weeks after spring break. I texted him making a plan for when and where to meet so we don’t have to talk until that time when we see eachother, but he won’t reply. And that’s EXTREMLY unlike him!! Is there any hope for us? he thinks a relationship is too much of a commitment and that he still loves me and would want to be with me if he was ready for a relationship. Will the no contact still work!? I think hes a combination of the clueless, angry and the stubborn guy! HELP!!!

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    1. There's always hope BUT i can tell you that what you are doing (begging him to be with you, not giving him space when he's asking for it) are not working. I think you need to assume that he is gone. As hard as that is to do (and i know it's hard) and live your life the best you can. If he needs space, give him the galaxy. Focus on you and bettering yourself and I promise things will work out the way they are supposed to (most likely you will find someone who knows what he wants).

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  88. After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the other ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is DRAISEDIONSPELLCASTER@GMAIL.COM you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other problem.

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  89. I read this article and I must agree with the writer about the benefits of the "no contact" rule. However, I do see where becoming "friends" and moving on with contact could be beneficial, as well. A couple short stories:

    I was in a 4-month (short, I know) relationship with a wonderful man who lived states away from me. The first few months were great. We hit it off almost immediately after meeting, and decided to take it to the next level very quickly. Even with the distance, there was never a dull moment. Then, he began to change. His dog died. He found himself in a tumultuous custody battle with his ex-wife. He hated his job. He sunk into a deep depression, and while I tried to help him as much as I could, he began growing cold with me and treating me like garbage. He broke off the relationship just before his 28th birthday, and while I was incredibly hurt, I decided to give both of us time and space to heal. We didn't talk to one another for over a month. Then, out of the blue, he sent me a long text message apologizing for his "mistakes". He suddenly realized that he couldn't let go, and that he missed me terribly throughout that month. At this point, we both were over the period of hostility and sadness. We had both moved on and made ourselves better, and even though we never did enter a relationship again, we remained friends for a very long time.

    I also had an ex-fiance of three years who I lived with. He had a terrible gambling addiction and some other serious issues I'd rather not mention here, so we mutually decided to break up, but we also decided to remain civil with one another, as we were taking the same classes in college and would be forced to see one another on a regular basis. We even had lunch a few times afterwards. I was there for him when his parent passed away. He came to a wedding with me and even visited me and my family a few times following the breakup. It helped us to realize that we were much better off as friends. Suddenly, once the relationship was over, we got along much better. We were finally able to spend time with each other and enjoy it. We still are friends, not close friends, but we don't harbor any ill feelings towards each other.

    So, I guess it depends on the situation. If you honestly want the person who broke up with you back, the NC rule is the best option. Hands down. If you constantly text or call that person after they broke up with you, it will only justify why a breakup was the best idea for them. You'll seem overwhelmingly needy and desperate. You'll be so consumed with trying to get them back that you'll never gain perspective or have the time to focus on yourself and get back to the original "you" that he respected and loved. Plus, it will show him that you're always going to be there and ready to take him back.

    Please, for the love of God, make him put up a fight. In many situations, he will eventually come to his senses and realize that he made a huge mistake. Don't let him right back into your life as if nothing ever happened - this will only encourage him to pursue an on-again off-again relationship with you. And if he never comes back to you like you wished for/expected, then that's what happens. End of story. It happened for a reason and by this time, hopefully it's a bit easier to move forward :)

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  90. So I spilt up with my ex just over 2 weeks ago. We were on such a high then sadly his grandad took ill and passed away in that time I didn't really see him he became very distant but I would txt him everyday to see how he was. He would always reply but not txting like how we used too. Then I got the text saying I've not been there for him n saying how the relationship was one sides and even though he wants to finish it he'll alway see me as the girl he want to settle with n start a family. After receiving the text I went straight to his place n had it out with him saying not to but all the blame on me. As I've tried my hardest with him n I know he's been grieving. He apologise and we talked all night n sorted it. So everything was going great again then a week later he had gone quiet again so I said to him. Let's go for dinner and spent some time together as I had missed him and I got a txt saying I don't wanna my heart init but my heads not all I do is think of you constantly my heads all over the shops! So here we go again! I go to his to talk things through n he says he's sorry n that I derseve better, he loves me but can't do it. So we ended it. I'm devastated as I really thought he was the one. We've been friends since the age of 3 now 31. Best of friends too! Now we've not talk for over 2 weeks it's killing me. I did see him 2 days ago as I saw his nieces n nephew when down but it was just a hi n a bye. From speaking to someone everyday to nothing is the worse Ever :(

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  91. I’ll try to keep this short. I’ve been friends with my ex for 7 years, dated him for the last 11 months. He broke it off with me last week. We had a great relationship, always had fun, respected each other, both easy to get along with, My ex dumped me over a year ago, stating that I had been jealous and possessive towards him (when I truly was not). Three weeks later, he tried to apologize and asked to be my friend again… Since he thought it would not be fair for me to go back with him again after all the pain he put me through. I said yes, but never spoke with him again. Six months later, on a scholar event he showed off with his new girlfriend… I can say their relationship did not last, since I heard that she was such a complicated girl. I’ve unfriended him and deleted any contact with him. I saw him last January by coincidence in a shopping mall but we did not speak to each other. Right now I see all the mistakes I did when we were together and i tried getting him back was difficult i add him again on Facebook and tried calling his line but he refused me so i decided to go and see him in his apartment he drove me out after three days i came across someone comment that (Dr OWASELE) is a capable and reliable man that can help someone to get back together after break, i decided to contact him and explained all my situation to (Dr OWASELE) i sent him what was requested from me and and he started casting the return spell that was all. One evening i was laying down and my phone started ring when i checked it was Kelvin i was so so surprise the third times i picked the call come and see what was happening Kelvin stared begging me that he miss me and will should come back together, that i should forgive him and he still love and cherish me so much....please help me thank this man (Dr OWASELE) for the wonderful help he render to me when i needed help and if you are still in the same situation (Dr OWASELE) is the right man to help you contact his email now: owaselespelltemple@gmail.com

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  92. Hi robin u really think this NC is going to work....my ex is a hard guy with emotions and if i stop talking to him he will get used to it but we have a bond,a connection ....we tell each other everything ,no matter how embarrassing it is ...after he broke up with me and still tried getting over being tired but it didnt work ...but he wants us to still be very close friends and i know his intention is not to make me a fuck buddy but he really cares ....he still cares for all his exes anf still help them whenever they need him....i want him back but i dunno if i should be his bestfriend or i should go for the no contact rule....please robin tell me what u think

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    1. I think its impossible to best friends with someone you want more from. It's like torture! Do I think NC will work to get him back? I truly don't know. Do I think NC will help you move on and get YOUR life back? Absolutely. If you are meant to be friends, it will happen after you take some time apart and heal. I don't think you can be friends now. My mentality is that if a guy breaks my heart into a million pieces he doesn't deserve my friendship.

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  93. How about it the guy breaks up with me with no contact, and he was my real first boyfriend. How do i deal with that? I have no closure with what happened so its really hard..

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  94. You will never have closure. No matter what he says, it honestly won't make you feel better about things. Closure comes with time and YOU deciding you deserve someone who knows what he has. I want you all to know that I haven't seen the guy who inspired this post in 6 MONTHS! I would never have thought that possible. I thought I needed him to be in my life, But here I am! I can honestly tell you the pain you feel will heal and you can do this.

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  95. Sammi,

    I really really need your help.

    6 months of very special, serious, families involved relationship. A very gorgeous partner, supportive, caring.. all the best qualities.

    me: created a few jealousy arguments over some ex stuff - fake fb profile sending photos and things to make me jealous.

    6-7 weeks ago i initiated a breakup over hurt - and he officially broke up with me, just a week before we were meant to go on a trip together (overseas).

    we caught up once after the break up, and he said it had gone too far, (i think he means that the family knows..) and that he probably blew it out of proportion.. and he had tears in his eyes. Initially he said we would probably get back together in a couple of months once he'd find out who's doing this to us.

    then he took me to the airport as i left days before. he treated me with gifts the day before, and dinner on the day of my departure, we talked and talked and sounded like we were on the track of getting back together. he said will see you in a few weeks and will talk.

    then during the trip we communicated and i realised he was hurting a lot, though still loving me quite a lot. he kept saying he loved me too much but couldn't be with me because he was scared i would do it again. i assured him with messages and I called him from overseas assuring him that I had learned my lesson on a very high price.

    we had some communication I instigated, through to end of may, then he communicated to me that he would see me when i get back. That was 3 weeks ago. I have been back for almost 2 weeks, he has been back for 10 days. I contacted him, he hasn't contacted me back.

    He has my house keys and car keys, which in a moment of being really sad I asked him to send them back by mail. since he even removed me from fb on the day he sent the last msg he would see me when i'd get back. Strangely enough he has all our photos up, and he has no others but the ones of me and him with me.


    He has not sent me the keys, he has not contacted me in 3 weeks. Do you think he is doing the NC rule? To forget me maybe? I cannot believe he hasn't been willing to talk with me, and try to work things out.

    I am told by those who has seen him that he doesn't look well. He looks miserable.

    I stopped contacting him 10 days ago then sent him a single clarification message 5 days later, stating that I really didn't wish to write as the only way i wished we'd clear things up was face to face, but i had to send this msg.

    I love this guy so much. I can do it without him, but for now I have lost peace and focus. He is the love of my life.

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    1. I'm sorry that sounds rough. I would ask a trusted friend to get your keys back (those are important things that you need). Time has a weird way of healing. Eventually when enough time has passed, you are able to see through the pain and remember the good times. Unfortunately, there's no easy fix and it does take time. So all you can do now is take care of yourself and trust that what's meant to be will be. A wise friend once told me that eventually either one of two things will happen: you will either give it another chance or you will move on to someone else.

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  96. It's been two days or so since my bf of two months dumped me via email. I really didnt expect it as it had been a lovely two months. Atleast for me. Thats what I understand why this No Contact rule seems difficult for most of us. Our ' idea' of the relationship that was is not 'real' anymore. I'm keeping on repeating.. that I have more respect for myself than contacting someone who dumps me by email. And that I will look back at this and laugh someday.
    Courage people, you are not alone.

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    1. Yes you said it girl. After two months of dating, you deserve a conversation. This guy is a wuss and who wants to be dating a wuss? Not you. Now you are free to find someone who will treat you with respect.

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  97. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 4 years when he decided to move in with his parents (about 6 hours away) to pay off some debt. Shortly after that move, I got extremely depressed/lonely, ect and was filling my time with other people including my ex husband, whom I told my boyfriend I went to see and felt mixed up about. He said he could forgive cheating, lying or anything else but not me loving someone else. I told him it wasn't that kind of love, but he was clearly hurt. I decided I needed to work on myself and told him that. He said he couldn't promise he wouldn't move on, ect. About a week later he said "If there's a chance I want US" and that he missed me but he hated it. He came down to visit for a trip with friends about 10 days later. During the previous 10 days he said he had kissed another girl and it was a glimmer of hope for him of what a new relationship could be like, but he didn't want anything with her or anyone else right now. He said he felt numb towards me and didn't want to give me a chance. He said he felt nothing romantic towards me anymore and his love was gone and he had no regrets. I was devastated and did the whole desperate thing for about 3 weeks (texting, made a scrapbook, emails) trying to convince him it could be different and I wanted to right all the wrongs and try. I also asked if I could come up to visit him in the next few months and he said we would "have to wait and see, if we have interest during then, we can make those plans then, but I don't want to have any commitments" and that if we were to happen again it would have to "happen naturally", but that he was moved on "in heart and mind" and I needed to do the same and that he refused to have the conversation with me again. He did get upset, but since then we talked on the phone and had a very friendly conversation about non-relationship matters. He also assured me there is noone else and he said "I need this time for me and you need this time for you." We've communicated here and there on social media, but have only gone about 3 days without any communication since it all happened. Today I am starting Day 1 of no contact for at least 30 days (including social media) to see what happens. Do you think there's a chance in the future? I am so conflicted on if I should hope there might be a future where we can try again, or if there really is no hope of rekindling anything.

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    1. I am so very sorry to hear what happened. But unfortunately you really hurt him. Maybe tell him how you really feel and ask him for one more chance and then leave him be. Maybe chalk this one up to experience. And I do think you need to sort out your feelings toward your ex as this issue may arise again.

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    2. It's so easy to blame yourself and keep reliving things over and over again wishing you could take back your mistakes. It's torture and I know because I have been there. in my case, i asked for another chance. It took a while (and him seeing someone else in between) before I got my second chance. The second time around never felt completely the same. I did EVERYTHING I could to make him happy, losing a part of myself in the process. In the end, it didn't work out. My tale is a cautionary one and I'm not saying that is how it always happens. Some people are able to start fresh. But right now you have to assume that it's really over. Stop blaming yourself because you really didn't do anything wrong. You wanted time for yourself so take it. If he asks for space, give him the galaxy.

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  98. my ex dumped me via text and 5days later he is on the same dating site we met....am shattered...I don't even eat anymore cos am depressed...I wonder if it is a pay back from him as I went there too out of frustration as soon as we broke up and may be he saw me or he has actually moved on...Guess no contact rule didn't work...

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    1. A guy who dumps you via text and immediately goes on a dating site is not worth your tears and he's def not worth giving up food for. Have a good cry, drink some wine, eat some ice cream and then STOP wasting time on this douche. tell yourself you deserve soooooo much better. Cause you seriously do.

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  99. How do you implement the NC rule when he is your next door neighbor?

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    1. Eek that's a tough one. If you can handle it, try avoiding him when you can (ie not staring out the window at his house, going out when you know he'll be there, standing on his lawn with a boom box, you get the picture). I would try to keep any encounters short and to the point. You can be civil, but you don't need to be friendly. I'd apply the same rules as if you work together or share a child. That must be hard though, stay strong!

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  100. That's what I wanna know too....but in my case my ex visits my next door neighbor all the time. Day 1 of NC. You know that saying...out of sight out of mind. When I dont see him I'm fine but when I see him over my neighbors I just wanna talk to him..it can be very hard.

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  101. Thank you so much for this post. It is absolutely crazy how relatable this article was-- including the comments! I broke up with my ex-boyfriend less than two months ago, and it didn't end well. The hurt feelings dragged on too long (of course, more on my end) even though I had initiated the breakup. This was my first real relationship in college, and I handled it as an amateur would. I truly believe in the "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger" phrase now... if there is ever another painful breakup in my future, I know that NC is one of the BEST methods to getting my life on track. I didn't follow it this time until now, but I will if I ever need to. It is so, so hard to do. But it is so, so worth it. Friends (even best ones) come and go, and so do exes! Best of luck to everyone here!

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  102. I am trying the NC thing. I have about a week left and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. My boyfriend and I dated for 2.5 years and it has been the best 2.5 years of my life and he says he felt the same way. We are older...I'm 26 and he is 30...so I thought we both had everything figured out and we talked about a future together and what we all wanted in our lives. A few months ago, he got into graduate school halfway across the country. I drove up there with him to help him get settled in and everything, then I came back home and was going to give him a few months to get used to living in a new place and get used to school. I was planning on moving up there with him at the end of this year. While we were up there together, it was the happiest I have ever been. Things were finally falling into place with us and we made all these plans for the future and everything...then about 3 weeks into this LDR he calls me and tells me he wants to break up. That it's just too hard and that he doesn't love me anymore and that he just wants to be alone. I was devastated. How does one change so quickly? I never once thought breaking up was a option for us. We are so perfect for each other in every way. He said yes at one point he wanted to be with me forever, but he is basing his present decision "only on what can be felt right now." I thought (and still think) that he is my soulmate. I want him to give us another chance, but he said we will never get back together and that hurt worse than anything. How can he just give up all of that? All of his friends say that he is just going through something and that it's just too overwhelming with moving away by himself and starting school again at such an older age. But he seems to be completely over everything, and I'm really trying to give up and move on, but this relationship feels so unfinished. He was the first person I have ever truly been in love with and the first person I saw myself with forever. Even my previous two year relationship never felt like this. I feel like we are meant to be together, but I don't know if that's my instinct telling me that or if I'm just in denial still. There was nothing broken in our relationship. When he broke up with me, he said that I was his best friend and that he didn't want to lose me. I'm just do confused. I feel like I will never fall in love again and that no one will ever love me and I can't get over this hopeless feeling all the time. I constantly have this feeling that I'm getting too old to start over again with dating...my whole future is completely gone now and I don't know where to start over. Is the NC rule still something I should be doing? It's so complicated with this LDR thing and I don't know what to do. I'm ashamed to say that I Facebook stalk him. He is in a graduate school program with 99% girls so all of his pictures are of him with a bunch of girls hiking and hanging out. I want him to block me on Facebook so that I can't stalk him anymore, but I don't want to contact him and tell him to do it. I am so lost and confused.

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  103. us guys do make mistakes and realize it. being super harsh seems unnecessary. we are not the brightest and sometimes things get into our heads and hearts a little slower. obviously if its a pattern then by all means do what is necessary. but, if there was one bad breakup, do try to forgive us and give us another chance, not everything is perfect and like in the movies.

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  104. Hey im hoping you can enlighten me with this No Contact Rule. My handsome ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago via Skype when he went to England for temp work. It was his plan to just go for a few weeks. In a turn of events he got a good job back in Ireland a week later and had to come back. His stuff is at mine as he was staying with me while he was saving for own place. He has been waiting since to get paid from new job which is this week and will be moving then. I have three kids from previous relationship and he has gotten on great with them as well but ive not told them we are together yet. The plan was for him to move out and then i could tell the kids we were going on dates however that is not gonna happen now. He is my best friend and we have such a giggle all the time together. Now there is this breakup hangover tension between us. We both still love each other and really attracted to each other however he felt it was all taking too long to not be a secret from everyone which i understand but with the young kids i needed to buy my time as well as father of kids. I spent so long protecting everyone elses feelings that ive burnt and hurt him and pushed him to breaking up even though he didnt want to. Now he still wants to be supportive and us to be close regardless. He needs space to figure his thoughts and feelings. He sits next to me and i miss him so much and dread the feeling when he leaves... Do you really believe the no contact rule should be done in this case?

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  105. I have a situation. Basically my ex dumped me and we ended up messing up and sleeping together two weeks in a row- cut a long story sort, however much I begged he won't change his mind. He blocked social media, and we stopped talking. Then he started messaging me two weeks into no contact, which I ignored- only silly little texts like 'I'm proud of you' anyway Saturday he turned up at my door (to pick up something he didn't need, and could've waited Untill a friend dropped over) we ended up chatting, he said he misses me but right now this what is right for him.
    That night we made the mistake of going out, we slept together, he left, I tried again to change his mind, but he said no and he said ' I don't want you out of my life at all, but if we're friends then this will always happen and it's not fair on either of us, so I guess not being in eachother lives is best'
    We've stopped talking again. I just don't know what to do because I know he's missing me, but right now he thinks this is best for him..
    I want him back, so I'm stuck on what to do. So far I've just not messaged him. That's the only thing he didn't block, my number...

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  106. Thank you so much for this article Sammi! You have no idea how relevant this is for me right now. I'm on Day 4 of NC and No Facebook. It's been a little hard not going on to check my messages but I will be strong and continue on as long as I can. It takes at least 21 days to break a habit and I intend to break this one. Thanks again for your advice and I wish you luck in finding someone who will treat you right :)

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  107. Hi everyone who think they can't get over that man or that woman, here is what you do, don't listen slow songs, think about the bad things he or she did to you,also don't forget how the ugly things about him or her you look over that you thought you could of work with if you guys would of stayed together examples:bad breath, a missing tooth,or bad feet,or the body not shape the way you wanted it to be, ect.I can keep going but you get it lol" and you will find yourself saying what the hell i saw in that man or woman. And Boom" you not in love anymore.

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  108. Hi, I am feeling horribly down this morning. I was at Day 30 yesterday and had planned to go to Day 60, but yesterday being xmas day was feeling like I could reach out via text just to say Merry xmas. I thought I could do that without needing anything back. He replied basically returning the wishes. Now I feel like I have undone my good work. I really need to get over this man who broke up with me and we have kept hooking up for 18 months (yes you read that right), I have so much trouble detaching, but have done NC and ignored the one text I got during that time (only saying 'hello'). I feel so disappointed in myself now.

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    Replies
    1. 30 days is a huge accomplishment so don't forget that! It was a minor setback, but like with any addiction taking one little sip doesn't have to undo everything. Keep on going, you got this girl

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  109. Hi Sammi
    I agree with NC period. I met this person through ballroom dancing. I dance for my own satisfaction but if I want to totally avoid him I should stop dancing for a month as he will continue to show up dancing anyway and might casually ask me to dance with him. Thanks

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  110. I just have a question. I am continuing to try no-contact, but what is your advice when this person owes me a significant amount of money. If I don't contact him to chase the money, I will probably never ever see it. It's not like I don't really need it at the moment either. So on one hand I want to not contact him because I sooooo want to get over him, yet on the other hand I feel like I don't want to let him get away with not paying my $7000. What do you think I should do?

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  111. I went back to ballroom dancing after 27 days and it felt uncomfortable because I was kinda hiding in a corner to avoid the guy. I am not sure if I should give another month of staying away or should I just get used to the awkwardness....??

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  112. Hey! I met a guy on fb nine mnths ago..nd after nine mnth we met first as in a casual frnd thing..we had a nice time and had a kiss as well as superficial sex not totally intercourse.. after that i asked him after this so he clearly said me he cannot marry untill three years for which it is too late for me to wait..in this situation should i be friend with him or NC him.. pleasee help me replyy i need it very badly..

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  113. After a year of being with my ldr bf and stating that I was not happy several times and him always begging for me to stay when I knew deep down we would not work out, he ended things with me it blindsided me alot I ended up losing my job because I was so depressed this person that was my best friend was gone and o felt like a part of me had died. When he ended things it was on good terms there was no yelling or name calling I wished him well and he did me he said it was hard on him but he just doesn't think we would work out which I had been saying a long time but he said that I was still his best friend and that he would always be there for me. Although that was sweet of him I knew I needed NC, and it has worked for me honestly. Luckily he has not contacted me either and I'm hoping he does one day when we are both over each other because I'd love to be friends one day. The relationship was real no cheating or lying it just simply had no way to work at the time we were in it. (Bad timing ) I do miss him so much and I hope he misses me. Its been over a month of NC for me and still going strong.

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  114. I'm 21 days into NC. We fell apart last year for the same reason we did this year. He initiated it both times... suddenly. Last year he dropkicked me out of his life in January, and pulled me back in in March. This year he dropkicked me again.. Feb 1st, and I really thought everything was going fine. :/ We were in a 2 and then less than a year relationship... he said he couldn't have work and a relationship. Which to me is devastating, because I was fine with his busy schedule.

    But yes... i'm 21 days into NC. If he contacts me, he contacts me (after my 30 days, it doesn't count for another 9!). If he doesn't, then he doesn't. Considering this is the 2nd heartbreak from him.... despite our relationship was going well and i seriously didn't want it to end... I don't know if I want to invite him back in. He was really sweet and patient and respectful to me, qualities that just make me squishy. I felt safe with him, I really did. If he comes around and wants back into my life he'll have to prove to me that this whole 'January' thing will not be a habit of his before I let him anywhere near my heart.

    In the mean time, I've joined a gym, bought some new cloths, and trying new hobbies. I made myself an online dating profile and deactivated it because I found myself not really ready yet. But when I am, I can just reactivate it and all my stuff I typed up on it will remain and i'll be good set to go.

    For now it's hanging with the best friend almost everyday. I'm sure she's getting sick of me. haha. But she's supportive.

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  115. Hi,

    I really need some help because I feel hurt and frustrated. My boyfriend broke up with me last Monday. We have been dating for almost 6 months. Our relationship started out great – he was charming and pursuing me for a while until I decided to give it a shot. We fit perfectly together – our age difference is okay, he is 30 and I am 25, we have so many things in common. He even compared me to a unicorn – saying that I was like a creature that he did not think could exist. I met his family and friends, they all liked me. We made plans to go on a trip to Italy with his friends this April. However, things started to change mid-January. He had some serious stomach problems and we started spending less time together, but it’s not only that. For the last month he kind of started to distance himself from me. I was never the obsessive type of girlfriend – I always gave him freedom and let him be with his friends. On 14th February, we went to a wedding of one of his closest of friends of over 20 years. I danced with the groom and out of the blue, he told me that my ex loved me and was honest but that he had some difficulties.

    But then, last Monday, he broke up with me saying that he wants to be alone and with his friends, he was not ready for a relationship, that I loved him more and that he has not gotten over his mom’s death. His mother passed away last Summer from cancer, just a few months before we got together.

    Last Thursday, I really good friend of mine saw my ex at work and she pulled him aside, saying how badly he treated me and how he should not have made me promises that he could not keep, that he hurt me really bad. My friend told me that he got really angry and upset.

    I feel terrible! I know I need to move on and life goes on, I have been talking with my parents and my friends about this. I want him back. He had two previous relationships that were quite serious and ended pretty badly. I want him back and I know we can make it work. I just feel lost and heartbroken…

    Thank you for reading this.

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  116. My boyfriend of 4 years sent me a text that he is having scattered moods and feelings and needs a break. He deleted me on Bbm and has refused to answer my call. Today makes it day 6 on no contact with him. Should I delete him on Facebook?

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  117. This works, I have been doing this for years. They beg and will change after you leave, they will swear and promise, and they'll call you to go out to lunch and want to talk as friends, but it's all just about their ego. Don't even give him the time of day or look his way.
    If you're awesome they will see it, it just might be too late. Don't settle for somebody you left, no matter how hard it is or how bad you want to talk to them, because you'll never forget or let go of the one thing, and that one thing will keep adding until you just hate each other. Just delete their number and move on. There's a ton of reasons to leave, and never one to go back. Men aren't ready to be decent men in relationships until after 40. They'll learn how to treat you right by then and be good to you, maybe, if not, dump him and move on. They don't change. They don't care about being faithful. Maybe occasionally you might find one. Keep that one and be good to him so he'll be good to you. We can ruin them just as they can ruin us.

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  118. My husband and I weremarried 22yrs. He had an affair with his ex wife then he decided to use no contact. Now 15 yeaus later still no word. This no contact just allows cheaters to never face up to what they did. He cheated so why was moving on so important.

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  119. I broke up with my boyfriend cause he was claiming he was too busy and didn't have time for a relationship and he had to focus on his work and his daughter right now. We got into a fight cause he was going on vacation with his ex and invited his ex over, but he said he was too busy to see me. Then he started no longer answered my texts and calls and said he was too busy. He couldn't take a few seconds out of his day to to answer a text or call. If I did manage to talk to him he would just get mad and say he was working. I was not okay with not being a priority at all. When I broke up with him he just said OK I understand I am sorry. Also that Listen I am working I can't talk about this right now I told you. I am too busy to be in a relationship right now that is all I can tell you. I am sorry. I am not sure I believe someone is too busy. I told him I was going on a date with someone else and he didn't even respond. What should I do? His indifference is just surprising. We were in a long distance relationship and I was calling him everyday and texting him everyday. I just broke up with him yesterday and haven't heard anything else from him.

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  120. Me and my bf have been together for 4 yrs we haven't spoke in about 2 weeks and a half we've been thru soo much the reason we broke up was because I felt wr weren't spending as much time together that May 13 on Friday we went out to dinner came back around 8 and he was just dropping me off home I don't think I'm asking too much if I wanted him to stay or I go over ton his place but maybe at times I have myself to blame if I don't bring it up but I just felt like he doesn't need an invitation to my house after 4 yrs and why couldn't we spend more time that evening... that's how it sparked up he said I'm always nagging that it was getting boring that everytime I nag about the same thing I know he was upset he said he wasn't ready to step it up likeif I ever said anything about moving in although he said I was pressuring him so I have messaged him a few times he has only replied twice telling me he does care about me and why do I do this to myself he doesn't want me to hurt anymore but it's best we leave things as is (like if he hasn't said this in the past) I know he loves me as much as Ido yoo he's very prideful and for the most part it's always me that has to bend backwards it's just been so hard we work in the same place and I don't know how to deal with it. Ive called plenty times over this weekend I'm just thinking of going over to his place since he won't answer me to settle this once and for all

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  121. I know what you're saying about 30 days being too short. definitely not ready to talk to my ex-girlfriend right now as much as I really want to. haven't sent or received a message in 23 days. haven't seen her in 26.

    she was liking my facebook and instagram stuff, but then I realized a few days after breakup that I was posting stuff and staring at my phone waiting for the notification that she liked my post. this isn't a healthy mindframe. I blocked her on both.

    I know all them "get your ex back" people say don't do that but whatever. It made me feel better getting rid of that neuroticism.

    now I wait. not sure if I'm going to text her again if she doesn't reach out to me first.

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  122. My ex broke up with me last month after being together for over a year. The last few months were rough because his grandmother passed away after being in the hospital for a few months. I tried to be there for him but he totally withdrew and would reject my advances and we started fighting a lot because of it. He told me he loves me, but felt like I was smothering him and he needed to find himself. I told him I would give him space while he figured things out but he said he couldn’t ask me to do that. I asked if there was a chance for us once he got things sorted and he said he isn’t sure if he sees a future. He said he worships the ground I walk on and should never change because I was perfect in the relationship and will go far in life whereas he feels like he has nothing to offer since he is grieving and stuck in a job he doesn’t like. He suggested we stay friends but I told him that would be too hard on me and he said I can contact him anytime. I know I came across needy over the last couple of months and ever since i contacted Dr. Ikhine love spell caster through his email:agbadado@gmail.com or call +2348056932230 all my worries and problems was solve and i get him back.

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  123. My ex boyfriend and I have been together for 1 yr 8 months on and off. We work at the same place and he was staying at my house for about 2 months before the break up.1 week before the break up he wanted to go back home I said ok then I started getting this weird feeling in the bottom of my gut I started to noticed that he had his phone on silent and faced down he would take it to the restroom and check it when I would walk out of the room. So I decide to question him about it and we had an argument because I asked him why he had his phone on silent and face down he said he loved me and that I was never going to let go of the past because he had lied to me before so the weekend passed and we didn't talk another week pass and still no contact well he blocked me from his cell phone and our company IM. it's been 3 weeks now...He comes into the office and ignores me as if I was the one that did something wrong. I feel that if you love someone enough and if they have a doubt and question it they should put your mind at ease and prove to you they are not doing nothing wrong well we didn't break up there was no closure but I feel he has moved on i have not tried to reach him or go to his house. I feel lost...

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  124. Hello, I am struggling with a relationship breakup which has been going on for three weeks now, for the last three nights I have stayed with him, no sex, just friends he wants, I am sad but like him in my life.

    What I don't know what to do is do I go no contact with him or see him as friends, ultimately I want him back, he did treat me awful, so really I should not, but what is the best chance to be friends or NC? Your help is appreciated.

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  125. i was in a 2 1/2 year relationship. The first year and half we were in the same state, for 3 months we lived together but moved to a different state together. I then decided to move back home because at that time he wanted to move to another state quit work and do school full-time. I felt it was so much and i felt i wasn't doing anything for myself. plus we were not married and i felt like i had no security or what was a my place if i did continue to follow him. We did the whole long distance for 8 months and out of no where one day he snapped at me and told me he didn't see the point of the relationship. All we did was fight and we are not physically together. Then when i tried talking to him to understand where all this ws coming from. He kept giving me excuses so many excuses. then i told him that all i wanted to know if he wanted me in or out of his life. his voice cracked like he was about to cry. he said i was in amazing person and i deserved more than this. i asked him again do you want me in your life or not please so i can leave you alone and move on. He said yes he wanted me in his life. than i went to visit him we got along but got into a fight. Later he tells me that the friendship i was looking for i wasn't gonna find it there and that i needed to heal. then after breaking up with me he sends me a text 5 months later. He said "Hi, I haven't heard from you for a bit." then 10 mins later he sends a text saying "D know you've been on my thoughts and prayers. hope all is well." I didn't respond because i was in shock. Till this day he hasn't tried reaching out. Sometimes Wonder if i should have? I also wonder what was his purpose for me to know i was on his thoughts and prayers. what does that even mean. I wonder if he will ever try again to contact me. Btw he is talking to someone after he broke up with me and still is to this day. please let me know your thoughts on this. I do still love him and hope we can meet again.

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  126. I have been married for 14 years and i have known my wife for about 20 years now. I only discovered that my wife, the every woman i love with my life was cheating on me with her boss. This broke my heart in pieces. I knew form the very beginning that her boss was going to bring about the end of my happiness there was something about him that gives him an upper hand when i came to women. He always got what he wanted from any beauty that capture his eye. What wowed me was that my wife, fell for him and decided to put at stake everything we have fought and worked for all those 14 years. I trusted her though i can’t say that our sex life was epic but i can say we were doing alright. I discovered messages in her computer about 8 months ago. I was mad and at the same time sad but i was going to find out how true they where before i ask her or rather before i was going confront her about what i know about sexual relationship with her boss. Unfortunately i was so unlucky and could not dig up any dirt. The affair was perfectly carried out and by all means no trail was left to trace. I could not pay for a private investigator so i decided to confront her myself and ask her about the messages on her computer and like instantly she came out clean but i wished i never asked her because it was like she needed me to see those messages in the first place. My discovery about her affair was like her ticket or rather her way of telling me she no longer was in love with me after 14 years of marriage. She basically left me for her boss. I wished i knew where we went wrong and got bad. Am just gonna go straight to the point because i was not just going let her go like that. She was the first and only girl i had sex with i was not a popular guy in high school she was all i had and loved i was not even in my dreams, let her go without a fight in what ever form. I found a SPELL CASTER DR IHUNDE Online during a 4 months period she was living with her boss. He is a real and legit spell caster and all his spell actually works just the way they ought to work. If not for DR IHUNDE i would probably be a wasted human by now. He helped me cast a spell that was going to make the woman i promised my life time to on the day of our wedding come back to me. It might seem selfish of me to some of you but others who understand what i was in, can tell that just letting her do would be foolish because never again will i find someone like her. All DR IHUNDE asked from me was just materials and nothing else and it was for not reason compulsory for me to give him the money for the materials because, i had options he gave me to get the spell done. I could get the materials myself and mail it to him via ups or come down to his holy temple or send down the cost of the materials to him which is less expensive that all other options. And i did just that and it worked will for me. He helped me cast the spell and via ups he sent me a package containing harmless materials and instructions on how i was going make the spell active. I did all he asked me to do in the instructions and everything happened just how i wanted. I got my wife to love just the way i wanted and i loved her just how she wanted. I can literally say my life is perfect because all i need in my life was my family and i had it back with a stronger love bound. DR IHUNDE can be reached with his email address {ihundespelltemple@gmail.com} note: when contacting him use this email in its right format where all words and character are packed together.

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  127. Hi
    I am a firm believer in no contact however it is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's so hard when all you want to do is reach out to the , to gave that contact no matter what it is.
    I feel I would like to share how I have managed the no contact over the past 10 weeks when all I wanted to do was hear from him.
    I opened up a notes page on my iPad and wrote away, it was so liberating to say what I wanted to say to him but not actually send it.
    Give it a go when you feel like giving in. Then you have a diary you can reflect upon and you can see in front of your own eyes you are a strong woman/man and you can do it.
    What you need is someone in your life who would never give you a reason for no contact in the first place. You know you deserve better X

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  128. I haven't checked this in so long! But i continue to be floored by the incredible response. I wish I could respond to each of you personally and tell you it will truly will get easier. It's been two years since I've seen the guy who inspired this post. The guy I thought I couldn't live without. The guy who made it hurt to even breathe. Here's the thing: I've literally never been happier. Annnd I'm single! I'm not going to lie, it took time. It wasn't easy, but now I realize how awful he was and how much more I deserve. The person I was when I was with him was needy, insecure and unhappy with where I was in my life. The girl I am now is strong, independent and would NEVER put up with his crap. I believed I loved him, but now I know that was not love. Thank you all for sharing your stories and for helping each other. Stay strong!! If i can do it, believe me so can you.

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