Tuesday, February 11, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

My husband predicts that Juan Pablo will go down in history as the guy who started out as the most beloved Bachelor, but ends up the most hated bachelor once the show is over.  I tried to tell him that "beloved" wouldn't exactly be the word I would have used to describe my feelings for Juan Pablo six episodes ago.  Tom Hanks is beloved.  Juan Pablo was more like a hot piece of Latin ass and now he's just a boring little homophobic slut-shaming weasel.  You know it's bad when Chris Harrison's on camera and your first thought is: what a great guy.

Anyway, this week's episode starts with Juan Pablo Nedura on an airplane headed to New Zealand.  Sadly, the plane does not crash and makes a safe landing.  New Zealand is super gorgeous, which is why it's extra sad that it's being invaded by a clan of trashy strippers and slut bags and Sharleen.  Andi gets the first one on one date and she's all kinds of nervous about it.  WHAT?  Remember when ADA Andi seemed like a strong, independent, cut your balls off kind of women?  I think the term Terence, our male bachelor blogger, used was "Over-Aggressive Handjob."  I miss that Andi.  This Andi would probably give Juan Pablo's peen an Eskimo kiss.  What happened to the woman who asked that jaywalkers and litterers be sentenced to death?  She's gone, guys.

This new Andi is very insecure, she giggles a lot, and she can't deal with narrow spaces or bad weather.  The date begins with a very windy riverjet ride.  I'm really hoping their boat gets hijacked by maori people and that Andi has to prove her love to Juan Pablo by getting a crazy chin tattoo like this one, but that doesn't happen. 
Instead, the boat stops and they get into their bathing suits and into the very murky New Zealand waters.  They have to squeeze through these tiny little crevices and Andi keeps complaining about how cold it is.  The producers are kicking themselves for not saving this date for someone with major claustrophobia.  Someone like Kat who probably had to hide in tiny closets to escape her alcoholic father.  It would be pretty hot if Andi and Juan Pablo got trapped here and the camera guys just ditched them and they died a slow agonizing death.  Or if Andi got stuck and then Juan Pablo fat-shamed her, but no such luck. They make it through to a hot springs-slash-waterfall and make out with each other.  Then we get another amazing love analogy when Andi equates their little trek to the hot springs to a relationship-- because you just never know what's around the corner.

I think that's grounds for disbarment, don't you guys?

Back at the house, Ben's mom and Female Corky are having a single mom support group meeting to talk about how much they miss their kids.  Actually, they're really talking about how much fun they're having and how great it is to meet a guy who's open to dating a single mom.  I'm starting to think that this is all a big misunderstanding and Cassandra got on the wrong bus to take her to the wrong reality show and she was really supposed to be on teen mom this whole time. 

Nighttime date for Andi and Juan Papillomavirus.  They have dinner in front of a bunch of geysers and one of them explodes and they get all wet and dinner is ruined.  WTF, ABC.  If I wanted to watch The Discovery Channel, I'd be watching The Discovery Channel.  And seriously, how have all the producers on this show not been fired five times?  They are constantly fucking up.  How many dates have we watched where it's too windy or too rainy or too boring?  They need to get it together.

ALSO: WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE HELICOPTERS THIS SEASON?

Anyway, Juan Pablo gives Andi a rose and back at the house the date card arrives.  Everyone's name is on the group date rose except for Clare who will be getting the next one on one date.  This will be the perfect opportunity for her to ask Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon about his slut-shaming tendencies.  I'm hoping that someone accidentally slipped and told Juan Pablo that Clare is thirty-two years old and that he sends her home on this date, because he doesn't want some old hag with compromised eggs to be his wife.  (I'm 33, by the way). 

Group date time.  The girls sit around and have a picnic, but it's way too windy to understand anything they are saying.  Which is fine by Juan Pablo because he can't understand half the shit they say anyway.  All the girls get antsy when Chelsie pulls Juan Pablo aside to have some one on one time with him.  I really like Chelsie, but I kind of want to dive into my TV screen, grab her by the shoulders, and shake the crap out of her.  She spends her alone time with Juan Pablo teaching him how to make that loud whistling sound with a blade of grass.  What is your problem, Chelsie?  He's not a five year old.  The other girls here are showing him their vaginas and you're teaching him about primary colors.  STOP.

The group date gets a little more exciting when everyone puts on their bathing suits to get into these giant water bubbles with Juan Pablo and roll down a hill.  Can we take a moment to talk about Sharleen in her bathing suit?  The woman is my fashion icon.  How does she manage to strike the perfect balance between skanky and classy?  Who knew that a deep plunging white fringe one piece would be so stylish?  For reals though-- I don't think she's really an opera singer.  I think she's a high class escort.

The best part of the giant plastic ball is when they come gliding out of it and all this water spills out of the opening.  It looks like they're sliding out of a giant vagina.  If I was rolling inside of that thing, I would puke and pee all over it.

During the nighttime portion of the date, ABC tries to go after the elusive nerdy male 18-34 Big Bang Theory demographic by having the date take place at Hobbiton where the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit were apparently filmed.  Guess who loves the fuck out of this?  SHARLEEN.  She says she's totally geeking out.  Later in the episode, Sharleen will wonder if Juan Pablo is the right man for her.  I'm guessing things really went wrong between them when he thought a hobbit was a furry mammal with hind legs who hops around meadows and says "I'm late, late, for a very important date."  I have a feeling in six months will find out Sharleen is dating someone like Wes Anderson or Spike Jonze.

I will spare you the details of Juan Pablo's boring one on one time where he says things like:
The only highlight was more super weird Sharleen kissing (ABC needs to start blurring this shit out) AND Cassandra opening up to Juan Pablo Picasso about her feelings for him, etc etc.  This is a real risk on the show.  Nikki does the same thing in her attempt to win yet another group date rose, but it being this "honest" can play out in two different ways.  Either the guy gets all excited cause he's into you too and you stick your tongue in his mouth (Nikki) or he FREAKS OUT because he doesn't feel the same way and the next thing you know, you're in the back of a 15 passenger van headed to the airport in the middle of the night (Cassandra).

Did I mention it's Cassandra's birthday?  Apparently, she's twenty-two which is awesome because now her age and her IQ are the same number.  Anyway, Renee (AKA nicest person in the world) says that she would rather see Cassandra get the group date instead of her-- UM, has anyone ever said anything like that on the show before?  Renee should win ten million dollars at the end of this whole thing.  She's like the opposite of the "I'm not here to make friends" contestants.  She's like....here to make friends.

Unfortunately, she doesn't get her wish.  Not only does Juan Pablo give Sharleen the group date rose BUT proving he's the worst guy in the world, immediately after-- he takes Cassandra outside and DUMPS HER ON HER BIRTHDAY AND SENDS HER HOME.  I really really really need to know if Juan Poblano Pepper knew it was her birthday, because if he did and he still sent her home then that is straight up diabolical.  Like, if I were the rest of the girls on the group date, I would quit the show after that.

ALSO-- a tip for the single moms who leave their kids to go on this show.  How about not mentioning you have a kid until AFTER the bachelor proposes to you?  Otherwise, he's always going to use the "I didn't want to keep you away from your kid excuse."  The worst thing about Juan Pablo is that after he sends people home, he gets all victim-y about it.  Uh, like we're supposed to feel sorry for you?  One last thought: is the rose ceremony the equivalent of Chinese water torture?  It must be the worst thing in the entire world if all the bachelors think they're doing contestants some GIANT favor by letting the go before the rose ceremony.

UGH, time for Clare-ibbles one on one date.  I can't.  I just can't.  Everything about this girl bothers me.  Her mouth is morally offensive and she's way too doe-eyed for a 32 year old woman.  Is it possible that by the end of the season we'll find out that her body was possessed by Taylor Swift? 

Anyway,  I got confirmation from my ABC peeps that Juan Pablo and Clare did NOT have sex, which in my opinion makes him even more awful.  He slut shamed her and all they did was rub privates through their bathing suits?  COME ON.  They have a three minute conversation about ocean-gate where Clare calls him out on a couple things (uh, why did you come into the ocean with me) and at one point Juan Pablo says "that's it." As in: conversation over.  OH HELL NO.  Then he tells Clare never to cry in front of her when she's sad.  FUCK THIS GUY.  I can see into their future.  They get into a fight.  Clare talks about it too much.  Juan Pablo says "that's it".  Clare keeps talking about it.  Juan Pablo hits her.  Clare cries.  Juan Pablo holds her by the neck and says "never cry in front of me when you're sad!"

In my opinion, Clare lets him off the hook way too easily.  Poor girl.  If only she had the foresight to know she would have become a feminist icon and a national treasure and Hilary Clinton's running mate if she left the show right now.

Instead, during the nighttime portion of the date, Clare and Juan Pap Smear hang out on the couch together like a regular couple.  She goes on and on about all the things she loves about him and GET THIS-- now she says that the slut-shaming just shows how protective he is of his daughter and that makes him the best dad in the world.  Juan Pablo responds with: I like hearing you talk.

I think we can all agree that Clare just nabbed herself a Neil Lane engagement ring.

Juan Pabs can't get enough of her, especially when she puts on a pair of baggy crotch pants and does this weird "hammer dance" that completely goes over Juan Pablo's head because every single American pop culture reference is lost on him.  Then, they slow dance to that terrible song by that guy from the X Factor who will probably perform at their televised wedding.  Watching these two is the equivalent of being at dinner alone with your most annoying couple friends.  They are being so rude to TV audiences right now.  In case you were wondering, Taylor Swift gets a rose.

Rose ceremony time.  Chris Harrison arrives to have a mini-therapy session with Juan Pablo but he's too tired from his late night orgy with little people prostitutes dressed as hobbits to really focus on what Juan Pablo is saying to him.  Chelsie and Kat are the most nervous at the rose ceremony because they know Renee and Nikki are a lock, which means one of them is probably going home.  Luckily, Kat referred to the chapter in her Bachelor handbook called "Last Ditch Effort to Get a Rose."  Step one: Make sure he knows that you're not all fun and games by showing him that you've been scrapbooking this whole journey (Note: if you do not have supplies for scrapbooking, then simply tell him you've been journaling this whole time.)  Step two: Tell him the saddest story about your life so that he'll feel like too giant of an asshole to not give you a rose.  It doesn't matter if it's true or made up.  I wasn't really listening, but I think Kat told him something about hiding in a crib with her little sister when their dad was drunk?

Anyway, it doesn't matter because Kat does not get a rose and goes home crying over the fact if she only made it a couple more weeks, she'd actually be a contender for the next bachelorette.  Meanwhile, Sharleen gets REALLY sad about Kat leaving.  Were they super tight or something?  The girl basically turns to stone and decides that Juan Pablo has one week to prove to her that he's not a complete dud.  Which is amazing, because that's how Sharleen plays this game.  It's not for the Bachelor to decide if he wants to be with her, it's for her to decide if she wants to be with him.

Um, Hilary/Sharleen 2016.

Finally, the most important thing in this episode happened during the credits when we saw Juan Pablo flinging sheep shit at the girls while they ran away in their bikinis.  Guys, I am not kidding.  This is like worse than anything Justin Bieber would do.  Read it again: Juan Pablo flung sheep shit at the girls.  Now say it with me: JUAN PABLO FLUNG SHEEP SHIT AT THE GIRLS. 

Sigh.  Remember when we all thought he was hot?

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