Tuesday, February 18, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

Aye, aye, aye....this episode of The Bachelor was a total snooze fest.  You know it's bad when the above photo of Clare-ibble and Darling Nikki not speaking to each other for thirty seconds was the most captivating part of the entire show.  That and Sharleen's flawless outfits.  But I'll still do my best to keep this recap entertaining.

For starters, you know what missing from this season?!  All those pensive shots of the Bachelor walking along the beach shirtless, journaling about his journey, packing his suitcase wistfully, and looking out from the balcony...contemplating his future, wondering who will be his wife.  WHY?
Um, because Juan Pablo isn't into thinking, doesn't know what pensive means, and he also doesn't know how to write so that kind of takes journaling off the table.  Seriously though, I know he cries during every rose ceremony-- but have you ever seen a Bachelor so unaffected by this whole experience?  The guy doesn't seem stressed out at ALL.  Most guys are totally tortured at this point, because they didn't expect to have feelings for more than one girl.  Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon is like "So many vaginas I'll get to slip inside, yippee!!!!"

Anyway, this week the exotic travels come to an end when the girls arrive in Miami-- as in Juan Pablo's hometown.  Really?  They couldn't foot the bill to send these girls to Venezuela where one of them might *fingers-crossed* get kidnapped and beheaded?  In a VERY surprising move (AKA Chris Harrison was still WAY too coked up to be on camera)  Juan Pablo arrives to deliver the date card on his own.  Sharleen Duchess of Opera singing gets the first one on one date and she's as shocked and awkward as ever which sends the other girls into a bit of a tailspin.  They, like the rest of us, have no freaking clue why Sharleen is on this show. 

Clare-ibble utters one of my favorite lines from this episode when she simply asks: What is Sharleen?

THANK YOU. Is she an alien sent down to earth to find out more about humans?  Is she Kate Middleton's long lost sister?  Is she an undercover cop who doesn't know how to kiss but has gone on the show to investigate some sort of sex trafficking underbelly of reality dating programs?  Unfortunately, we'll never know.

Shar-Shar Binks and Juan Poblano Pepper spend most of their date making out on a yacht.  Between kisses, Sharleen admits in her interviews that she's not sure she's all that into Juan Pablo proving once and for all that she's a reality TV anomaly.  She mentions that she's used to things being more cerebral with other guys (translation: Juan Pablo is a hot piece of stupid).  She actually says that this whole thing would be easier if she was dumb (ahem, like the other girls.)  Juan Pablo Picasso keeps telling her how much he loves honesty BUT he also doesn't understand English so he has absolutely no idea what she's being honest about.  Sharleen is left very conflicted.  She doesn't have much to talk about with Juan Pablo, but she really enjoys their incredibly awkward up and down, mouth eating, make out sessions.  What's a girl to do when she finds herself in a dating conundrum?

Hash it out with Mother Superior (AKA Renee), of course!  Renee is literally the nicest person in the world, because even though Sharleen is the only thing standing between her and a hometown date, she tells her to make sure she won't regret it if she decides to leave.

Nikki gets the next one on one date and in yet another surprising move, Juan Pap Smear decides to take her to Camilla's dance recital to meet his entire family-- his parents, Camilla, AND Camilla's mom.  Sadly, his cousin (?) with braces from the beginning of the show is nowhere to be found.  Hopefully he's tag-teaming a hooker with Chris Harrison.  This is a BIG deal though.  At this point, I'm fed up for always rooting for losers (remember when Chelsie was my favorite) so I feel like I should throw my support behind Darling Nikki.  Juan Pablo Neruda must be really into her if he's okay with her meeting Camilla.  Right? Right?  And then there's this...
Side note, Camilla's mom should totally be the next bachelorette. The woman is gorgeous.

All goes well between Nikki and Juan's fmaily and later that night, they go to his "office" which is the Miami Marlin's stadium.  We still get absolutely zero clarification on what Juan Pablo does for a living, but it doesn't matter because sport stadiums are the new helicopters this season.  And was it just me or did Nikki take the slut quotient up a notch with that outfit?  I mean, I'm not into slut- shaming, but that cheap whore should be ashamed of herself.  That said, I'm glad to hear they are actually having a real conversation about where Juan Pablo stands with Camilla's mom, but at the same time I'm distracted by the fact that Juan Fruity Pebbles is not looking so hot in this episode.  Am I nuts or is he literally getting less hot before our eyes?  If you put a cowboy hat on him I swear he'd look just like Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyer's Club.

BTW, all this time I thought Juan Pablo was saying to the girls "what are you thinking?" But now I'm pretty sure he's been saying "WHY are you thinking?"

Speaking of brains and thinking, back at the fancy hotel suite, Sharleen makes the very difficult decision that Juan Pablo is not the man for her.  She tells the other girls that she's leaving the show and they all nod and smile, while thinking "What in God's name were you even doing here in the first place? Don't you know you're smart and beautiful and should have no problem finding a boyfriend the normal way???"  I've got news for you, ladies.  Sharleen is an evil genius.  She is so cerebral, she knows this is the perfect way to be the next bachelorette and hopefully win a series regular role on Scandal.

Let's all take a moment to acknowledge how perfect Sharleen looked when she dumped Juan Pablo.  That lacy top.  Those pale pink shorts.  The perfect hair.  The diamond studded earrings.  Oh, Sharleen.  How I will miss your outfits and your extensive vocabulary.

Anyway, when she arrives at Juan Pablo's hotel room she tells him that this is "excruciatingly" painful for her.  WTF.  Does this girl just get off on using words he'll never understand?  Queen Sharleen basically admits that even though she wants to face f*&% him, she doesn't have any interest in having a conversation with him and for that reason it probably wouldn't make sense for her to take the spot of another girl and have him meet her family.  Juan Pablo tells her she's different (AKA not a trashy ho), says he loves her honesty, and then holds her face really tight and keeps telling her to look at him.  Finally, after a lot of face holding and looking at each other, Sharleen's like: dude, i gotta bounce.

They say good bye and she hops in a cab which is really a UFO in disguise that's going to take her back to Planet Xorb where everyone looks identical to Sharleen and pees out of their mouths.  What I'm trying to get at is that compared to the other bachelor contestants, Sharleen is like an extraterrestrial.  Phone home, Sharleen.  Phone home.  Back in his room, Juan Pablo regains an iota of his original hotness when he cries and says Sharleen was going to get a hometown date...which would have meant Juan Pablo and the bachelor producers would have to get in a space ship and go to Xorb which would definitely be the most dramatic hometown date ever. 

Group date time!  This date is extra cray-cray, because one of the girls will get a rose and then will have Juan Pollo Loco to themselves for the rest of the night.  This is where we get to watch them pull out all the stops for the rose.

Chelsie goes with the "show and tell" strategy by reading Juan Pablo letters that her mom and dad gave her to read while she was on the show.  Chelsie was an early favorite of mine.  She's cute and funny and a little bit dorky, but I also think she might have the brain development of an eight year old (which side note, would make her perfect for Juan Pablo).

Andi goes with the "cry because this is all so scary and I'm starting to have real feelings for you" strategy.  This girls is like a broken record.  This is literally like the fifth episode in a row where she's had an insecure meltdown.  Andi, get a grip!  You're gorgeous.  You have a job.  You don't spell your name Aaaanndeeee. And after Sharleen you're probably the second most "elegant" girl on the show.  However, according to my husband she's also "doughy in the neck."  That could be the end of her.

Clare goes with the "I have a dead dad" strategy when she reveals to Juan Pablo that her father made a DVD before he died which is locked up in some vault only to be viewed by Clare's future husband.  It makes me so sick to my stomach that if these two get engaged, they're probably going to air this video.  And if they do, it's cool but I want proof that it's actually Clare's dad and not some actor she hired.  Juan Pablo just looks at her blankly during the entire conversation and says "besitos."

We don't get to see the strategy Renee used, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with being a single mom.

Andi's strategy wins out and she gets the rose-- which means Juan Pablo will be meeting her family and she gets to spend the rest of the night with him while the girls are shipped home in a shoddy airplane.  Juan and Andi make out in the ocean making her the second girl in this episode he made out with in the ocean.  This might make him seem slutty, but if you remember-- he told Clare he thought it was unfair to the other girls that he made out with her in the ocean-- SO he's clearly just trying to even the playing field.

Back at the house, Nikki can't help but laugh at how awkward the ladies are being about not getting a rose from Juan Pablo. I'm beyond disappointed that we didn't get to see the looks on their faces when they found out Nikki met his entire family.  Anyway, in what should go down as the lamest and most anti-climactic fight in Bachelor history, Nikki walks upstairs in the middle of the conversation and Clare decides to confront her for no good reason.  They then proceed to fight about who paid for the hotel room.

Nikki: you're excused from my room.
Clare: This isn't even your room.
Nikki: really?  Is your stuff in here?
Clare: Did you pay for it?
Nikki: Did you sleep in here last night?
Clare: Did you pay for it?
Nikki: No, did you pay for it?
Clare: No, which makes this a shared space.

And that's pretty much how it ends. Someone remind these girls that they are in Florida and that the stand your ground law basically allows them to shoot each other.  In her interview, Nikki calls Clare a dog whose peed on Juan Pablo first and marked her territory.  Clare calls Nikki a herpe that popped up on Juan Pablo's penis first.  Okay, she didn't say that, but we all know she was thinking it

Did anyone else see Juan Pablo in the M&M commercial?  Did it also leave you wishing the animated yellow M&M was actually the bachelor instead? 

Rose ceremony time.  Soooo....all this time I've been Team Nikki, because Clare is the most annoying person in the entire world but then it seems like Renee and Chelsie don't like Nikki either and I'm not sure what to make of that because they are both clearly the nicest people in the solar system.  I mean, how dare Nikki not want to chat with Chelsie about what pieces of jewelry she wears on the regular?!  At one point, Chelsie leaves to pee and Nikki and Clare sit in complete silence for a good twenty seconds.  It was pretty amazing.  Honestly, I don't know why these girls and their brightly colored dresses can't just get along with each other. 

Then the CRAZIEST thing happens.  Chris Harrison's downers kick in and he's back to host the show!  Way to pull it together in the 11th hour Harrison!  Juan Placenta pretends he needs to go think about the very important decision he needs to make, but he seems about as relaxed about the whole thing as a dead person. 

In a move that shocks no one, Chelsie does not get a rose which means Clare, Andi, Nikki, and Renee get the hometown dates.  That leaves Juan Pablo with a 75% chance of ending up with an annoying bitch and a 25% chance of ending up with Renee.  Chelsie acts so upbeat with Juan Pablo that I'm not entirely sure she knows she's been dumped....until she gets in the limo and breaks down.  Aye, aye, aye Chelsie.  You're twenty-four.  That makes me NINE years older than you.  I promise.  You will meet the one on the next season of Bachelor Pad.

All that really matters though is that next week there are TWO episodes of the Bachelor.  Hometown dates on Monday followed by fantasy suite dates on Tuesday.  Bad on ABC for basically spoiling who gets a fantasy suite date rose but WHAT THE FUCK happens between him and Andi in that fantasy suite?  The show makes it look like he raped her.  I'm guessing he sticks it in the wrong hole or makes her wear a strap-on or goes all Eiffel Tower on her with Chris Harrison (urban dictionary definition: A threesome with two guys and a girl, where one guy is hitting it from behind, and the other guy is getting a blow job. The guys are high-fiving over the girl to make the eiffel tower shape.)  I guess we'll find out next week.  Apologies in advance to all the non-bachelor viewers since this blog will be completely consumed by the show next week.  This shit better get good....


  1. i mean the only interesting thing is who is going to be the bachelorette... i think they should start from scratch. thoughts?

  2. this just made me really glad that my Hulu account isn't working and i'm not staying up to watch el stupido bahelorrrrr (r's rolling like thunder). thank you for putting my mind at ease. aye aye aye!

  3. ^from Vanesa btdubz. love uuuuu

  4. I'm thinking that Andi is a prosecutor by profession and since it looks like all HELL breaks loose, I'm betting that it might have been a sexual offense? I hope not for Andi"s sake.

  5. I just have to say your posts are seriously why i keep watching the bachelor- so spot on and hilarious. Can't wait to see what you write up next week!