Tuesday, February 25, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

Guys, I'm not sure you fully understand how hard it is to write these recaps this season.  The show is SO boring.  Literally, the most dramatic moment of the episode was when Clare's sister kept lingering to the side like a total pyscho when she tried to talk to her mom.  That was about as tense as every scene in Captain Philips.  Okay-- I'm going to do my best to make this as entertaining as possible.

Hometown Date #1
Juan Pablo Picasso arrives in Kansas City to meet Nikki's family.  It only makes sense that he should meet them first considering she's already met his entire family.  In this episode, we get to see Juan Pablo do all sorts of cowboy like things which he should be pretty good at because on Des's season he was the best cowboy sheriff and got to make out with her while watching The Lone Ranger. 

Nikki decides that first they are going to go eat famous Kansas City BBQ.  I know Juan Pablo sounds like he's only been in America for three days, but he went to college in the states.  Why does he act like he's never seen a rib before in his life? I mean, we saw this dude eat super weird shit in Korea, but he's perplexed by a bbq rib?  Where is Guy Fieri when you need him?

Next stop on the Kansas City hometown date is some empty bar where Juan Pablo will ride a bull.  He looks like a complete pussy on that thing.  I don't know how the show manages to do it, but every week, the man gets a little bit uglier and uglier.  In week one, Juan Pablo looked this hot to me:
In week eight, he looks this hot:
Which is truly an insult to Sloth.  Anyway, after riding the bull together (nasty), Nikki takes Juan Pablo to meet her family.  This is maybe the most uneventful hometown date in Bachelor history.   We don't even get a good look at Nikki's brothers. Her parents are perfectly nice and a little too okay with the whole idea of her getting engaged to a complete stranger who can hardly speak English.  When Nikki says her mom is her best friend, I believe her.  Like-- I think that's the ONLY female friend she has.  The producers manage to create some fake suspense by making us wonder if Nikki will in fact tell Juan Pablo that she's in love with him.  Here's a question:

DO ANY OF US ACTUALLY CARE AT ALL?

This might be the first season of the show where I'm absolutely rooting for no one and don't really care what happens.  I feel...numb.  I feel...nothing.  I feel like...Chris Harrison every time he looks in the mirror.

Honestly, the most exciting part of it is that Nikki's dad pronounces maturity like "ma-tor-ity."

Nikki makes out with Juan Pablo before he leaves, but does not muster the courage to tell him how she really feels about him.  Probably because she doesn't really love him and is worried she won't be able to say it without laughing, falling on the floor, and peeing her pants. 

Somewhere in Canada, Sharleen's family is playing croquet and quoting Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Hometown Date #2
Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon arrives in Atlanta, Georgia to meet Andi's family.  If eating ribs and riding a bull wasn't enough, Andi decides to take him to the shooting range where she proceeds to use some sort of crazy machine gun.  Sadly, my fantasy of her shooting him and putting him in a vegetative state where he in fact becomes smarter than he is now, doesn't come true.  I'm pretty sure we'll find out that Andi is actually a human robot terminator trained to kill reality TV stars, because she hits a million bulls-eyes with her gun.  Juan Pablo misses a bunch of times, but manages to hit one bulls-eye and not embarrass Andi in front of all of her friends at the NRA.

At Andi's house, we meet the first star of the episode: her dad.  Here's how my interior monologue goes when we are introduced to him.

Hy?
Hi.
No.  Hy.
Yeah, HI.
NO, I'm not saying HI.  Her dad's name is HY.
What? Are you high?
No, he's Hy. 
Whoa.  Andi's dad is a meth addict?
NO.  His NAME is HY.
That shit is fucked up. 

What the hell is Hy short for?  Hyannis Port?  You know what, it doesn't matter because this guy is awesome.  Since Brooke Burke got fired off of Dancing with the Stars, then I think Chris Harrison should get fired too and Hy should replace him.  OR he should totally get cast as Chris Christie in a future biopic.  Hy basically doesn't buy anything that Juan Pablo is selling.  Probably because he can't understand a word that's coming out of his mouth.  Juan Pablo asks if he decides to ask Andi to marry him whether he'll have Hy's blessing.  Hy says HELL NO.  Well, not exactly.  He basically blows Juan Pablo's mind when he asks him to picture what it would be like if the person he was dating was dating three other people.  Juan Pablo does his best:
Andi's very pretty sister basically tells her that she's clearly not into Juan Pablo and Andi's all upset because she's trying to force herself to have any sort of emotion for this guy, but her sister doesn't see it.  I mean, come on.  She's about as into Juan Pablo as I'm into a stage five yeast infection.  But still we have to keep listening to her say stuff like "I'm getting close to sort of kind of deeply madly falling closer to maybe in six months to three years loving Juan Pablo."

I'm actually willing to bet Andi asked her parents to do their best to fuck things up for her so she would not have potentially have her butt hole violated in the fantasy suite.

Oh, there was also a part where Juan Pablo and Andi salsa danced while her mom watched.  It was super kinky.

Somewhere in Canada, Sharleen's family is snacking on beluga caviar and discussing the uprising in Ukraine.

Hometown Date #3
Sigh.  Poor Renee.  She may actually be the only girl on the show who's genuinely in love with Juan Pablo which pretty much makes her dumber than Sugar Bear (yes, the dad from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo).  

There are a few things that really bother me about this hometown date.  The first is that Renee is reunited with her son Ben ON CAMERA.  And in front of Juan Pablo.  We also find out she hasn't seen her child in two months.  NO. She's obviously dying from excitement to see him again, but this kid is ADORBS.  How could she stand to be away from him for that long for Juan Papillomavirus?  Ben and Juan Pablo have a very awkward exchange and then Renee and the man who will dump her by the end of this episode stick around to watch Ben play baseball.  I predict one day, Ben will grow up and make Camilla fall in love with him, then he'll have sex with her and never call her again but send her whatever the futuristic version of a text message is that will read: That was for my mom.

Renee's family seems as nice and boring as the last two families we met.  What I mostly love about her mom is that if you close your eyes and listened to her voice, you'd think she was raised by Marge Simpson.  There are a couple uncomfortable moments where Renee doesn't know what the hell her son Ben is up to anymore, but nothing more uncomfortable than her short cut-off shorts and that weird fringey top she's wearing straight from 1987.  It does warm my ice cold heart a little bit when Renee has a heart to heart with her dad and he nearly cries.  It's all very sweet, but what these people should be doing is grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her and saying: are you crazy?!  You are a mother.  He is creepy and speaka no english.  You can't marry him!

Similar to Nikki, Renee really wants to tell Juan Pablo that she is in love with him but doesn't get the chance.  Probably because every time one of the girls tries to talk, he sticks his tongue down their vocal chords and then says "why are you thinking?"

Somewhere in Canada, Sharleen's family is dining on foie gras and having a heated debate about JK Rowling vs. George RR Martin vs. JRR Tolkien.

Hometown Date #4
Next, Juan Pablo arrives to Sacramento, CA to meet Clare's family.  They meet up in Clare's favorite park and we have to listen to several extremely sad stories about her dad-- which is extra weird and creepy, because she's sitting on Juan Pablo's lap for much of the time.  My favorite story about Clare's dead dad is the one where he tells her she can ask him any question she wants right as he's about to die and she says "who am I going to dance with on my wedding day?!" Wow Clare, way to make this ALL about YOU.  Clare's dad tells her to play the song she would have wanted to slow dance to and they dance together right then and there.  A couple red flags here: #1 I'm 99.6% sure this story is made up.  #2 Clare is totally one of those girls that has every detail of her wedding planned out and doesn't even have a boyfriend. 

We also learn that Clare's dad told her that whenever she misses him to throw a rock and that he won't be further away from her than that rock.  That's really sweet BUT-- even the ghost of her dead dad wants to keep some distance from her?  Burn.

It's extremely possible that Clare's family was hired by central casting, because she looks nothing like any of them except for her one pretty sister.  She's the youngest of six girls and two of her sister are heavier set than the rest but treat Clare very differently.  The first one, Lisa-- who might also be Renee's mom-- is like in love with Clare.  She probably stays awake at night wishing she could be Clare. The second one, Laura wants to skin her sister alive and use her flesh as a pillow for her dog.  Things get extra confusing here, because Clare tries to have a heart to heart with her mom who I'm not sure understands English at all while Laura says that she won't let Clare manipulate Mama. 

Basically, what I gather from this is that Clare is a pathological liar who manipulates every single person around her.  Things get even weirder when Laura lingers in the background while Clare tries to have yet another heart to heart with her Mama.  Clare starts to freak that this is going to ruin things with Juan Pablo.

Meanwhile, about forty-five minutes have gone by in the episode and we haven't seen Juan Pablo at all.  He's totally somewhere in that house pooping. 

Finally, Juan Pablo Neruda sits down with Clare's very confused mother and very diabolical sister and all goes well.  He and Clare's mom even exchange a conversation about the weather in Spanish.  PROOF that even in Spanish, Juan Pablo is the most boring man alive.

In case you guys all thought that Clare's sister looked familiar, here you go:
Somewhere in Canada, Sharleen's family is eating oysters and rejoicing in the fact that Bach has more followers on Twitter than The Bachelor.

At this point, I'd like to discuss the fact that Juan Pablo has never been tormented before or during a rose ceremony.  He's barely even needed any Chris Harrison therapy.  I mean, this time last season, Sean was having a brain aneurysm over feeling guilty for sending someone home after meeting their family.  This is the time in the season when The Bachelor or Bachelorette panics because they don't want the person to think they hated their family. Juan Pabs could give two shits.  He gets to fly first class and his girlfriends fly coach. 

Rose ceremony time.  Poor overworked under appreciated Chris Harrison has to escort each and every one of the ladies to the rose ceremony.  Juan Pablo arrives looking as cool as a cucumber, even though he's about to send the nicest woman in the entire world home.  In what has to be the most predictable rose ceremony in the history of The Bachelor-- Renee does not get a rose.  Why was this not a shocker?  Because ABC showed us the rest of the ladies on the fantasy suite date promo for tomorrow night.

Renee's departure is sad on several different levels.  #1 It's fucked up of Juan Pablo to drag her kid on TV when he knew he wasn't going to pick her.  #2 She's probably the only person that actually loves him and wants to be with him.  #3 Who the hell will console all the other girls after Juan Pablo does fucked up shit to them inside the fantasy suite?  #4 Does she have to hop on a plane in that cocktail dress?  #5 Juan Pablo tries SO hard to cry after he sends her home.  #6 Renee STILL tells him she loves him.  NOOOOOOOO. 

Anyway, I cannot wait till tomorrow night to find out what the hell happened in that fantasy suite with Juan Pablo and Andi.  He says he was just being honest and she says there's a difference between being honest and being an asshole.  SO....I'm pretty sure he goes down on her and then says her vagina smelled really bad.  Guess we'll find out tomorrow!

1 comment:

  1. Renee's departure is also sad because she's too boring to be the next Bachelorette.

    Also, until about halfway through Clare's hometown I thought Laura was her mom and "Mama" was just what they called her grandma. I can definitely tell that Laura is a woman whose fucking crazy younger sister has manipulated everyone, probably including their dead father, and has just snapped because of it.

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