Wednesday, February 26, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Episode 9

Chris Harrison plots Juan Pablo's murder.
First of all, I apologize that The Bachelor has taken over the blog this week.  Only two more episodes left and we're done with the show.  Second of all, this episode was hot as shit.  Seriously, it's like ABC decided to reward us after we sat through seven boring episodes.  Let's stop wasting time and get into it, shall we?

We are in beautiful Saint Lucia for the fantasy suite dates and Clare gets the honor of feeling Juan Pablo's peen in her vagina before any of the other women.  Even though I'm pretty sure every single thing that comes out of Clare's mouth has been rehearsed in a mirror ten times before she says it, I'm sort of rooting for her.  Why?  Because she's awful.  And thirty-two.  And cuts hair for a living.  Her options are getting slimmer and slimmer by the minute.

Clare and Juan Pablo get on a dinky little Somalian pirate boat only to arrive at a much fancier boat.  And Juan Pablo Neruda is like "haha, just kidding, we're not hanging out on this piece of shit all day." HOLD UP. I just had a thought.  Is Juan Pablo afraid of flying in helicopters?  Why haven't we seen a single one this season?!  What a fucking loser.

On the boat, we get a boring little recap of their hometown date when Clare explains that her sister Laura (AKA Ursula) kept saying how "this is a TV show."  DUH.  I feel bad.  Yesterday we kind of vilified Laura, but it turns out she's the sanest person that's gotten screen time on the show so far.  Juan Pablo tells Clare not to worry.  Yeah, her sisters are scary and her mom is kind of a mute, and he's 99% sure she just pretended to have a Mexican mother and they aren't related at all BUT none of that will deter him from smacking that ass later in the fantasy suite.  They go for a swim and I'm left to wonder if Clare got breast implants between her hometown date and her flight to Saint Lucia.

I don't think there's ever been more false suspense on the show than the five minutes we have to listen to Clare debate in her interviews whether she should go to the fantasy suite with Juan Pablo.  I get that she's afraid he might slut shame her for it in the morning, but stop fronting Clare.  We all know you had your butt crack waxed yesterday in preparation for this.  During dinner, Clare tries to convince Juan Pablo that she won't be the most wicked stepmother in the entire world and that Camilla won't have to live in the attic, but Juan Pabs is like "seriously, I don't care.  I want to fuck your brains out."  HUGE SHOCKER: but Clare accepts Chris Harrison's creepy invitation to the fantasy suite, tells Juan Pablo she's loving falling in love with him, and then we are subjected to a soft porn sequence of them making out in a hot tub.

Andi gets the next fantasy suite date which means she's his least favorite, because I don't think ever in the history of the bachelor has the girl who's had the second fantasy suite date has been proposed to.  She also gets the super predictable/boring "let's walk around Saint Lucia and eat weird food and talk to cute Carribean kids."  I'm still worried about poor little adorable Adrian for accepting that juice from Juan Pablo.  Clearly, no one has taught this kid about stranger danger. 

Later, Juan Pablo drives Andi to some waterfall and they make out under it which is a complete repeat of their date in New Zealand.  During their dinner date, Juan Pabs asks Andi about how she said in Atlanta that she wants desperately to have feelings for him and how this made him concerned because how dare she not be madly in love with him by now?  Also, he doesn't want her to force things.  Andi explains she would never force things because there's a child involved.  Speaking of a child, no one seems to think it's a problem for Camilla to find out that her dad had sex with multiple women in the span of three days. Andi accepts the invite into the fantasy suite and apparently shit gets fucked up and shit.

The next morning, Juan Pablo wakes up feeling rested and rejuvenated from his second boning and talks about how he and Andi stayed up all night laughing and talking and how he likes Andi.  CUT TO:

Andi telling us that the fantasy suite date turned into a nightmare and that when she woke up in the morning she couldn't wait to get out of there.  We basically learn that Juan Pablo spent the whole night talking about himself, name-dropping, and telling stories without asking Andi anything about herself.  This is basically rule numero uno when it comes to dating women.  Dudes: if you don't ask us questions about ourselves, you're basically persona non-grata.  BUT there's got to be more to the story than just that.  I'm guessing she gave him a BJ and he refused to go down on her.  We also learn that he told her he'd had a fantasy suite date with Clare the night before.  Let's guess the context.

Juan Pablo: Andi, can I stick it in your butt?
Andi: NO.
Juan Pablo: But Clare let me stick it in hers last night.

Andi says that she knows Juan Pablo is not the one, but before we can see their highly anticipated confrontation, we're forced to sit through an incredibly boring date with Nikki.

Here are some highlights-- Nikki wears some weird fringe bikini top with these baggy bell bottoms and though I respect the lack of hot pink in this get up, I sort of feel like she just walked off a community theater production of Hair.  They ride a couple horses, talk about her hometown date, and I really couldn't tell you what else happened because all I cared about at this point is the showdown between the Assistant District Attorney and Juan Pablo Escobar.

Nikki accepts the fantasy suite date card *which is shocking because up until now I was certain she couldn't read* and I'm pretty sure they go into the exact room he hooked up with Clare and Andi, but that production merely switched out the pillows. Since Nikki knows how this game is played, she tells Juan Pablo that she loves him and he gives her that surprised "Como?" look that he gives all the ladies.  This might sound crazy, but I think Nikki might be the only who's genuinely into Juan Pablo.  Clare seems super fake and like she's trying too hard, but Nikki seems weirdly smitten with him.

The next day, for the first time all season--- Juan Pablo actually seems tormented by having to choose between the three women.  They all just look so good naked and two out of three of them were into getting it up the butt.  But Andi's classy and elegant...what's a man to do?  Have a therapy session with Chris Harrison of course!  This might be one of my favorite Chris Harrison therapy sessions, because you can tell he's super annoyed and sick of Juan Pablo.  Like, it's driving Harrison nuts that Juan Pablo keeps saying that he "likes" the girls.  WTF Juan Pablo? Are you in fifth grade?  This is The Bachelor-- you have to say you never realized you would have such strong feelings for more than one woman.

Harrison tells Juan Pablo that he has three video messages from the ladies.  I totally forgot about these!  It's a little confusing for Juan though because they are not played in the order that he boned the ladies.  Nikki seems oddly normal and genuine in her video.  Clare gives off a serious psycho Taylor Swift vibe.  And Andi...basically tells Juan Pablo that she has a lot of different emotions after their fantasy suite date.  As much as I think it would be awesome for her to dump him via private video message, she says she needs to tell him her thoughts in person.  What follows is amaze-balls.  As soon as her video ends, Juan Pablo gets the fuck out of there.  I'm pretty sure as soon as he walked out of frame, he called the airline and booked himself a first class ticket back to Miami.  Just look at him:
That is the face of a man who does not want to listen to any more thoughts.  The conversation that takes place between him and Andi is RIDICULOUS and Andi completely clinched herself a sweet contract to be the next Bachelorette.  The woman is a mad genius.  I personally think this was her plan all along.  She was operating off an entirely different Bachelor handbook.  Get to the fantasy suite portion of the show, then flip out on him for being a jerk, then become an instant hero to women all across America.

Andi is shocked that Juan Pablo thinks their night in the fantasy suite date went well.  We hear once again that he talked about himself a lot and that the conversation was one-sided. There's A LOT of back and forth about how Andi hates when he says "it's okay" because she feels like he's just trying to sweep her feelings under the rug.  If he knew what that meant, he'd be like-- "uh yeah, what's wrong with that?  I'm sick of you women and all your fucking thoughts and feelings."  Andi then says, and I quote: "I want to die if I hear 'it's okay' again." Remember Sharleen the opera singer?  Me neither, because Andi is my new jam.  I will say that I thought Andi harped on the whole "it's okay" thing a little too much and I think Juan Poblano Pepper is truly frustrated by the language barrier.  I mean, not to repeat my tweets from last night BUT the man knows five words in the English language: daughter, honesty, it's, okay, rose.

That said, we all need to play the "it's okay" drinking game during the finale.  

Things get even juicier when Andi accuses Juan Pablo of telling her she was only here by default.  Juan Pablo makes an impassioned argument that he did not say that word, because he has no idea what it means and I believe him.  He said he may have told her she barely made it to the fantasy suite.  Guys, he had to be telling her this stuff to pressure her to do things she didn't want to do during sex, right?  Like-- come on, put it in your mouth, you barely made it here...

Juan "it's okay" Pablo tells Andi that he was just trying to be honest with her and she says that there's a difference between being honest and being an asshole (Andi, did you ever know that you're my hero...? wait, nevermind-- just Google Imaged her and saw a picture of her posing with a dead deer she hunted. Gross.)  But I digress, Andi's also pissed that Juan Pablo isn't more upset by the prospect of her leaving.  And this is what he says verbatim:

Am I gonna die right now?  No.  Is it sad for me? It's sad.  Because I like Andi.  Cause I do like Andi.  If I didn't like you since week 2, trust me, you would not be here. 

Juan Pathetic also tells her that he wishes she brought all of this up in the fantasy suite (AKA off camera).  Oh hell no.  How would she seal the deal as the next bachelorette that way?  I sort of had to laugh when Andi is all up in arms that Juan Pablo didn't ask her about her religious or political beliefs in the fantasy suite.  The man can hardly speak English and both those conversations are serious erection killers. Also, you shoot guns, live in Atlanta, and there's a photograph of you on the internet with Bambi's mom after you killed her in cold blood-- you're 110% a Republican. Andi takes this all as a sign that Juan Pablo isn't taking this seriously, that he doesn't want to get to know her, that he's not into her, and that his solution to every problem is "besitos."

I do need to pose the question-- if Andi didn't think she was getting dumped at the rose ceremony, would she have stuck around?  I mean-- when a guy says you barely made it to this round, that pretty much means you're going home.

After much back and forth Juan Penis Face finally gets Andi into a car and she gives the best exit interview in Bachelor history where she makes faces like this one:
And says things like she knows Juan Pablo is saying "eees okay" right now in his interview.  She says that she doesn't think the language barrier has anything to do with it and he's not taking any of this seriously (AKA, he's only in love with himself). I definitely think women all across America who have never been on The Bachelor could totally relate when she said that she's afraid she'll never find love because her standards are too high.  EXACTLY.  That is a serious dilemma for normal, smart, cool women.  We are the ones that spend a lot of our lives single, because we won't just date anyone.  You know who will date anyone?

Clare and Nikki.  Sadly, Juan Pablo didn't slut shame Clare enough because she arrives to the rose ceremony dressed like a $25 whore.  Nikki looks surprising classy in comparison.  Chris Harrison takes a break from snorting coke off of Saint Lucian butt cheeks to tell the ladies that Andi is no longer here, but he'll let Juan Pablo explain.  In not so many words, Juan Pablo tells the ladies that Andi wasn't into his peen and decided to go home.  Since there are two of them and two roses left, they both get to stick around.  Nikki, however, still seems shocked when Clare gets a rose.

Nikki who is besties with Andi is all kinds of worried now because she told Juan Pablo that she and Andi are exactly alike.  Eeeees not okay.

But if I had to put money on it-- I'd say Nikki is the frontrunner.  She was the first to meet his family, the first to have a hometown date, and the last to get on all fours. But the promos from the finale make it look like both of the ladies have serious doubts about marrying a shitty soccer player with a five year old daughter and a smoking hot baby mama, whose own parents call him rude.  But who cares about that?  Next week is the women tell all and I'm pretty sure by the end of it, they hang Juan Pablo by his balls and pour Monistat 7 vaginal itch cream all over him to get their revenge.  Monday couldn't come soon enough!


  1. "i was said andi was leaving until... i don't like the arguments"

    oh god he will make the WORST husband - i would watch that reality show... don't lie, you would too

  2. YES! I totally forgot to mention that he's CRAZY if he thinks you can be in a relationship and never argue.