Tuesday, February 4, 2014

the Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Episode CLARE SUCKS

As though the My Lai massacre wasn't shameful enough, ABC has decided to fuck with Vietnam even more by sending the cast of the Bachelor to the country and causing a syphilis outbreak.  Not cool ABC President Paul Lee, NOT COOL.

Now I've decided instead of calling this show The Bachelor, we need to call it by its real name.  "Casting Call for the next Bachelorette."  Right now, it's really anyone's game.  ABC could choose to go the sweet single mom route a la Renee like they did with Emily Maynard, the fun goofy route with a girl like Kelly or Chelsie, or they could bring sexy back and cast Sharleen.  Seriously, best back ever right?

The girls arrive in Vietnam and it's scarves EVERYWHERE.  Seriously.  Scarves are the new hot pink this season.  Clearly, Queen Sharleen Empress of Elegance wore a scarf and everyone else quickly followed suit.  Even one of the girls had to make due with toilet paper around her neck, because she didn't have a batik scarf handy.  Missed it?  Go back and watch.  Bear with me now, because things get a little confusing at this point without Chris Harrison making an appearance to break down the rules to the ladies.  Renee gets something called a one on one date?  Not really sure what this means, but assuming Juan Pablo gets on top of her and they lay there for a few hours in silence.

Honestly, I'm worried about Renee (AKA Ben's mom).  We're approaching the time in the season when the Bachelor has to send someone home in the middle of the one on one date and I could see Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon making up some excuse about how he can't keep Renee away from her kid anymore.  I predict she'll be sent off on a canoe into a rice paddy all by herself without ever getting kissed.  Anyway, Renee shows up and Juan Pap Smear puts her into a pedicab and decides to drive it.  That's how NOT INTO Renee he is.  He doesn't even want to sit next to her.  They go to some store where Renee gets to pick out a fabric and they'll make her a custom dress.  Oh shit.  Remember when that one girl on Sean's season got that whole Pretty Woman date and then he sent her packing but with a new dress and jewelry?  This traditional Vietnamese garb is going to be Renee's consolation prize.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Renee is actually the most normal person on this show.  At the end of the day, Queen Sharleen isn't really normal and not because she kisses like she's just been injected with Novocaine.  She's kind of an elitist with her opera singing and her ability to put sentences together.  But Renee is like screaming-kid-in-a-grocery-store-line kind of normal.  In fact, I don't even want to give her the bad mommy title for leaving her kid.  Let's just pretend Ben has freak powers like the little kid in Looper and Renee's running for her life.

Okay, so Renee gets her measurements taken and Juan "I have a daughter" Pablo decides it's totally charming and appropriate to call out her boob measurements.  New drinking game: chug every time #1 Juan Pablo says "I have a daughter" and #2 chug every time he uses this excuse when it's convenient for him.

Side note, I really like Renee because she has a sweating problem and so do I.

During the nighttime portion of the date, Renee Normal and Pope Juan Pablo II have dinner, talk about their kids (BORING) and...she gets a rose!  Yes!  She's quickly become one of my favorites so I'm happy she's sticking around.  And I'm glad Juan Pubic Hair is into her.  She really hopes that this means the man is finally going to take her out of her single mom misery and kiss her, but he doesn't because she has a kid.  What a fucking clit tease.  I mean, I don't get it.  He grinded all over Cassandra and made out with her a ton and she's a mom and mentally handicapped.  What is the difference?

Group date time!  Oh you guys, Clare-ibble (rhymes with Terrible, get it?) is so awful I can't take it.  I really really really want one of the girls to kill her and then the show can turn into a murder mystery.  Everyone will assume Nikki or Sharleen did it, but then we'll reveal it was actually Chris Harrison disguised in heels and a cocktail dress....ANYWAY, the ladies pair up to get in canoes and everyone hates Clare so she gets to ride in a canoe with Juan Porno.  The other girls all feel like they are on Clare's one on one date-- especially when Juan Pablo proceeds to mouth rape Clare.

At first, I think Clare is the bitchy girl in every 80s movie and am hoping at some point she gets her hair caught in a door and then Anthony Michal Hall circa 1984 takes a time machine to the future and has sex with her.  BUT as the episode progresses, I realize she's actually the psycho girl from every 90s thriller.  This bitch is right out of Hand that Rocks the Cradle.  Camilla's biological mother better watch her back.

After their canoe ride, the ladies + Juan Pablo arrive at a giant Vietnamese garden and are sold into slavery and forced to pick vegetables for the rest of their lives. Just kidding.  They're just picking some herbs so the Vietnamese farmers can make them lunch.  I'm now completely convinced that Cassandra has the mental capacity of a four year old.  She says she wants the girls to have their own garden together back home, then giggles.  She giggles after everything she says.  She could tell you that her son was just kidnapped and she would totally giggle afterwards.

All the ladies enjoy lunch except stupid ugly Clare who eats green beans.  Remember when we were told Clare is part Mexican?  Why has that never come up again??  Does she even eat Mexican food?

Cocktail party time.  It's kind of amazing to me that when this season first started I thought Juan Pablo Picasso was the hottest thing ever, but now I want to throw up all over his face.  I'm so sick of him.  All he says is "what are you thinking?" and "I have a daughter" and "aye aye aye" and "trust me." He's SO boring and he thinks gays are "pervert" even though he's slutting it up with half the ladies on the island.  He basically takes a giant shit on top of all the ladies' heads when he takes Clare aside at the beginning of cocktail hour.  The best part of his alone time with Clare is when he tells her he wants to find someone who will love him and Camila.  The look on her face when she hears the "AND Camila" part of it is priceless.  She's like....Oh...I thought Camila's mom had sole custody? Am I wrong about that?  Does she want an ice queen for a stepmom?

As if things couldn't get any worse, Juan Pablo brings her to his suite where they put on their bathing suits and dry hump in the pool (or I guess wet hump?)  Seriously, how long do you guys think they were gone?  An hour?  The other girls just chill with their cocktails?  There are so many ways ABC could shake things up with the show.  What if once in awhile, the ladies were shown footage of Juan Pabs on all of his other dates?  If I saw him writhing all over Clare in the pool, I'd peace out of there so fast.

Juan Pablo also kisses Sharleen and Andi on this date...even though he has a daughter.  Sharleen explains that she wants to be the panda bear in a room full of brown bears.  I'm just going to pretend the producers forced her to say that, because the Sharleen I know would never make bear analogies.  Also, every time Sharleen and Juan Pablo kiss, I think of this:
Due to Sharleen's bizarre kissing habits, Juan Pablo gives Clare-ibble the group date rose. And then Clare does something monumentally stupid.  She sneaks out of the house to go back to Juan Pablo's suite (at 4am apparently) to see if he wants to go swimming with her in the ocean.  Here's why this is stupid.  Not only because it makes her look like a stage five clinger-- but since when has the girl who snuck out to "surprise" the bachelor ever then gotten to be the Bachelorette?  Everyone knows that the chick who pulls this shit becomes the villain of the show and the villain of the show NEVER gets to be the bachelorette.  Stupid, stupid, Clare.  And then Clare rings the freaking doorbell and my dog loses her shit.  Thanks a lot, Clare.

Juan Pabs seems a little caught off guard when he sees her, but he still throws his bathing suit on and they go into the ocean together...and--- back me up on this--- have sex?  There was definitely penetration right?  I mean, afterwards they talk about it like they boned.  Can someone from ABC please confirm.  Why isn't the Parents Television Council all over this shit?

Nikki gets the next one on one date and honestly, I'm a little confused by her.  Sometimes she seems ultra-trashy and then sometimes she's got more of a boho chic style going.  Which is it Nikki?  Are you Britney Spears slutty or Sienna Miller slutty?  MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

This one on one date is pretty effing boring.  We learn they have to propel down The Hell Cave (named after what it's like to watch the bachelor) and Nikki is-- wait for it-- afraid of heights.  She is not happy about this.  I'm guessing this is Nikki's inside face right about now:
So...Clare gets to go on a winter wonderland on her date and the other girls are emotionally, physically, and mentally tortured on their dates.  Even though Nikki is terrified and shaking, she goes through with it.  Here's another idea how to shake the show up-- the first girl who refuses to do something like this should automatically get to be the next bachelorette.  It could have been you, Nikki but you had to fuck it up and go in the cave and use a ton of horrible love metaphors during the whole thing. 

Once they make it safely to the ground, there's all these super creepy statues in the cave that were obviously placed in there by Clare to cast a horrible spell on them.  During dinner, Nikki is back to Britney Spears Slutty and basically tells Juan Pablo she's not sunshine and rainbows all the time (translation: I'm a fucking cunt and proud of it.) Sadly, Juan Pablo doesn't understand English and thinks she's saying that sunshine and rainbows are her two favorite things in the whole world.  I actually like Nikki.  She seems as annoyed by this whole show as I am BUT I don't really see her as a pediatric nurse.  I think she's secretly stealing souls from little kids so she can stay young forever.

Even though both she and Clare are sorcerers, Juan Pablo gives her a rose and they make out some more.

Rose ceremony time.  The girls gather for the cocktail party and Clare-ibble is feeling extra confident.  She even makes a ridiculous toast to finding love, being loved, and MAKING LOVE.  SO, they 110% for sure had sex right?!?!?!  Girlfriend, don't you know you need to hold out so you'll make it the fantasy suite round? 

Here are the highlights from the cocktail party.  Andi and Juan Pablo have the same exact conversation they've already had three times on the show.  Andi says she's nervous and insecure about this process, Juan Pablo tells her to trust him.  They make out.  Andi feels better-- until the next time she feels nervous and insecure.

Juan Pablo takes Normal Renee aside and they have yet another discussion about whether or not they should kiss (Renee is going to shit a brick when she sees all the things he's been doing with the other ladies).  Juan Pablo pretty much says that he's afraid Ben will see them kissing and wonder why Juan Pablo never comes to visit him (in other words, is it bad if I just want to make out with you, but I have no intention of ever meeting your son or giving you a rose before hometown dates?)  Renee starts to tell Juan Pablo Neruda that Ben is eight and will never watch this show and he interrupts her with a kiss.  FINALLY.  Sorry, but I couldn't resist another Teresa Guidice GIF.  This is pretty much exactly what Renee does after the kiss:
Okay, here's where things get really good.  Clare is feeling super confident about her relationship with Juan Pablo until he takes her aside and tells her things went too far the other night.  In not so many words, he tells her she acted like a cheap desperate whore by showing up at his door at 4am and that he will not have his daughter raised by a harlot.  Holy crap, everything about this is SO amazing because Clare is an awful human being and there's nothing more entertaining than watching a confident girl get completely blindsided and slut-shamed on national television.  He says that what they did wasn't fair to the other girls and he wants to be fair.  So, it's only right that he take them all into the ocean and have sex with them.  He also says it wasn't appropriate for Camilla.

She seems to not understand what they did that would have been inappropriate for a five year old girl to see.  Um, you fucked in the ocean on camera.  There are now crabs that are going to get crabs because of your vagina germs floating around. 

BUT I also need to acknowledge how much this whole thing makes Juan Pablo THE biggest dirt bag in bachelor history.  Dude, talk about mixed signals.  You practically had sex with her in the cold pool and then you did willingly go into the ocean with her and stick your penis inside her vagina.  I was glad Clare called him out on this and he's basically like "what?  I'm a guy.  I have no self control.  I've been dry humping every girl here for the last three weeks and in about ten minutes I'm going to burst into tears because there are three vaginas I will have to send home and never press my nuts against.  I'm weak.  YOU are a WOMAN.  What is your excuse?"  Classic Venezuelan behavior.  This is bad for ABC though.  If the gay comments weren't bad enough, women are not going to be on board with the blatant hypocrisy taking place.  Also, I'm sure she's confused because the producers told her to go to his place and swim in the ocean with him.  That said, I hate Clare.

Clare cries her eyes out while telling all the girls she just has really bad allergies because none of those bitches are going to find out that Juan Pablo thinks she's a cheap whore.  I believe this is going to be the beginning of the end for Clare.  The more she questions him about the Oceanfucking-gate the more he's going to realize she's high maintenance and not worth keeping around after he and Chris Harrison tag team her in a fantasy suite.

Speaking of Chris Harrison, why does he even bother to fly all the way to Vietnam to show up for two minutes and announce that it's time for the rose ceremony.  Newsflash Harrison, no one needs to be told there's only one rose left.  None of these girls are blind.  You couldn't even bother to give Juan Pablo a therapy session?  I'm so tired of Republicans talking about people living on the government dime, when Chris Harrison is collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars for doing NOTHING.

Juan Pablo lets three girls go tonight and cries the whole time because his harem is about to get smaller.  Allison (again, she was just too normal), Danielle (too not white), and Kelly (too unemployed.)  I'm most sad about Kelly leaving because I'll miss her one-liners, but I'm glad Molly the dog will be reunited with her Mommy.  When Danielle leaves, Juan Pablo whispers in her ear "You'll find him in time."  Oh go fuck yourself Juan Pablo. But not on camera and not in the ocean, because you have a daughter.


  1. This is an episode I did a lot of fast forwarding so I'm glad I have you to fill in the boring pieces. I'd be all for Renee being the next Bachelorette - her kid has like, a real name. Clare would make me ashamed to share a name if she spelled it right. Good news - she doesn't.

    I hate Juan Pablo and Clare which is why I hope they end up together - and Renee or Chelsie should be the next bachelorette. I'd say Sharleen or Andi but they are just TOO over the show ya know?

  2. I think it would be SO hot if next week Clare basically tells him off and leaves the show on her own accord. Then she would be come a hero for all women and would totally get to be the next bachelorette.