Monday, March 17, 2014

25 things to do after a BLOW OFF

see #23
Happy Monday, readers.  You guys seemed to like our twenty-five things every woman should know list, so here's a new one.  Twenty-five quick and easy break up cures that I came up with on the fly. Most of these are things that have helped me get through a break up in the past and they're all relatively easy to accomplish.  Print it out and start checking things off as you do them.  Enjoy!

25.  Quick!  Book a plane ticket home.  There's nothing like two days of parental support to get you through this difficult time.  Unless you hate your parents, in which case don't go near them.

24. Make out with someone else, fast. Your heart and vagina may still be too fragile for sex with someone new, but don't allow your ex to hold on to the title of "last person I kissed."

23.  Continue any hair removal or birth control rituals you've already been doing.  When women immediately get off the pill or stop waxing after a break up, it's like declaring they're never going to have sex again. 

22. Borrow a puppy.  It will never break up with you. 

21. Clean your apartment, top to bottom.  Clean out your closets and drawers.  Get rid of all the shit you don't need.  Afterwards, you'll feel like you can conquer anything.

20.  Go on hikes.  I don't particularly like the outdoors, but it seems like something productive, emotionally stable people do.

19. This might be controversial, but seek male attention from dependable former hook ups.  I'm not saying date these guys, I'm saying flirt with them to soothe your bruised ego.

18. Hide anyone from your Facebook newsfeed that might trigger your pain-- like women who are planning weddings or the ones who look even prettier when they're pregnant.

17. Train for a marathon.  Or a Triathalon.  Or a half marathon.  Or a 10K.  Or a 5K.  Baby steps.  Just run all the time.

16.  Get a bob or a lob.  Either way, you cannot have the same hairstyle as that woman who got dumped.  You're not her anymore.  (Think long and hard about bangs though.)

15. Consider a change of scenery or make that move to that city you've always wanted to live in.  If that's too drastic, then rearrange your furniture.

14. Eat all the food you could never eat, because your former sig other wasn't into it.  Seriously, who wants to be with someone that doesn't like sushi anyway?

13. NO CONTACT WITH THE EX.

12. Put everything that reminds you of him in a box and hide it.  You don't have to throw it away just yet, but there's absolutely no reason to have pictures of him all of your bedroom.  That's borderline psychotic.

11. If you don't already have cable, get it.  Then sit in front of the couch and watch Bravo all day.  There's nothing like a Real Housewives three part reunion to get your mind off of your own life.

10. The only thing worse than being alone is being the third wheel.  Do not fool yourself into thinking you're strong enough to hang out with your friend and her boyfriend.  (note to ladies with boyfriends: please leave them at home when hanging out with someone still raw from a break up).

9. Start seeing a therapist.  You can't always be a 100% honest with your friends about what you're going through.

8. Convince your friends to join you on a weekend away-- something classy and adult like wine tasting or a spa in Sedona or a yoga retreat.  Unless you're that girl that stopped talking to them during the time you had a boyfriend.  If that's the case, then don't suggest this unless you want them to murder you.

7. Retail therapy.  I don't care what anyone says, material things really do make us feel better ALL of the time.

6. Write your ex a letter that explains everything you are feeling, but instead of sending it to him, give us permission to post it on the BLOW OFF.

5. Read the BLOW OFF, obvi.  That's why we started this blog in the first place.  To cheer everyone up about their shitty-ass break ups.

4. If you're not ready to delete all the cute emails you guys sent each other, then at least find a way to archive them or keep them hidden to avoid stumbling across them.  I've copied and pasted mine into a word document and then eventually dragged them into my trash bin.

3. Delete any pictures of the two of you from your Facebook profile.  I'll give you a 30 day grace period on this one- or at least change the privacy settings on those albums to "only me" so the internet can think you are strong and unsentimental. 

2. Make every other day a crying day.  I'm all for getting your emotions out, but for everyday you cry, try to follow it with a day that you don't.  It's a good balance between being strong and stoic, but also allowing yourself to get emotional.

1. Learn to love yourself.  LOL.  Totally kidding.  You didn't think I'd end with something that abstract and cheesy and annoying, did you?  What I really meant to end this list with was: eat cronuts.

Side note: can you believe I came up with twenty-five tips and none of them (minus a wine tasting trip) included booze?  I don't know whether to be proud of myself or slap myself in the face a bunch of times.  Anything else we should add to this list?  Comment below.

4 comments:

  1. Do something scary/on your bucket list. My big break up is how I started doing stand-up.

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  2. first thing i did after a break up - i borrowed my friend's dog to hike... you're so on

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  3. Make a complicated recipe. It is so satisfying to follow instructions, do everything right and (for once) have everything work out exactly how you intended.

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