Thursday, March 20, 2014

Backsliding & the BLOW OFF

It’s 2 AM and you have a text message. For the first time in months, it doesn’t even cross your mind that it could be HIM. You wonder who died. Then you see his name and it’s like you had the wind knocked out of you. Sound familiar?

I had been doing so well. I finally walked away from a guy I loved because he wasn’t going to commit to me. I’m not even talking about marriage, just your everyday relationship. I deleted him from Facebook and went months without any type of contact. I was keeping busy, writing, and even starting to legitimately have fun again. Sure, in the back of my mind I still hoped that he would realize he made a huge mistake or that we could start over one day from a different place. I think you have to cling to that hope until enough time has passed or you have a valid reason to let go. Still, I had somehow managed to start healing and moving on.
Since a “how are you?” text at 2 AM on Fat Tuesday does not really count as contact, I chose to ignore it. 

A few days later, he texted again. It was late at night again, but I convinced myself at least he was thinking about me. Maybe he was having second thoughts. So I responded. I told myself I was like an investigative reporter simply scoping out the situation to see if anything had changed. Nothing had really changed and I begged him not to contact me again unless he was ready to step up to the plate. I told him if he cared he about me at all, he would respect that. He said that he did care and so he would leave me alone. He did not.

Though he didn’t say he wanted a relationship, he did want to see me. He insisted on coming over (which he never did, I always came to him). In spite of my protests, he said some sweet things (well, sweet for him. He’s not the sweetest). I asked if this was just our last hurrah (we had toyed with the notion of having one). He told me to have positive thoughts. So I gave in.

Seeing him, talking to him, having mind blowing sex with him again, unleashed this flood of emotions I had bottled up. The next morning he apologized, said he would delete my number, and I let him see me cry. He hugged me and then he walked away. WHAT THE FUCK.

I did what any girl would do. I got wasted and sent him manic text messages ranging from “I hate you,” to “why can’t we work this out?” I know what you’re thinking. “Why would you even to want to be with someone who could do this to you?” I wish I had an answer. I wish I could explain how I fell in love with the devil. Did he really do all that just to have sex with me one more time? That is not rhetorical. I would love for someone to explain this to me.

All I want is for him to say something that will make it better. Something that will make me understand why he won’t just give us a real shot. When you have a real connection with someone AND have amazing sex, why wouldn’t you fight for that? The thing I’ve finally realized is that he’s never going to give me a satisfactory answer. He may not even know the answer himself.

A very wise person in my life compared me to Charlie Brown kicking that football. He kept trying and missing, but he never gave up hoping that one day things might be different.  One day he might knock it out of the park (or whatever you do with footballs). If you never try, you’ll never fail. If you never let anyone get close to you, you’ll never really get hurt. If you are the one always doing the disappointing, no one will have the power to disappoint you.  Maybe that is an easier way to live, but you have a pretty good shot of ending up alone.

The crazy thing is I don’t regret what happened. I don’t regret having hope or giving something I’ve fought so hard for every opportunity to work out. I don’t regret always wanting to believe in someone I care about, even if he does everything in his power to prove me wrong. At the end of the day, I’d rather be the girl who keeps trying to kick that damn football than the person who is too fucking scared to step up to the plate. 

6 comments:

  1. Reading this was like reading my own love saga throughout THREE years of law school. My very wise roommate's answer to why he did all of those things, (tell me we're getting married yet sleep with everyone he laid eyes on, etc.) was that he's a sociopath. I'm fairly convinced she's right. BUT I know how you're feeling. And honestly, if that SOB texted me today, it'd probably open up all of the emotional floodgates I've done so well with closing. I've moved on and am very happy, but some people (manipulative A holes) have a way of just brainwashing us. I hate to admit that I, a smart independent girl, can be brainwashed. It can happen to anyone. The best advice I can give you is to stop wondering what he's thinking. Because you'll never understand, after all he probably has a diagnosable psychological condition. Even though you love him, and probably will always have some sort of love for him (even though he's a huge jerk), you're never going to be happy with him in your life. I didn't let my experience with this guy ruin me, I put myself out there. I got hurt again, but I am now in a very stable relationship with someone who wouldn't dream of being unfaithful or not giving me everything I need.

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    1. Obviously a spoons over forks scenario.

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  2. Aw thanks for sharing Emily! It's amazing how beautiful, smart, independent girls like us can be brainwashed. That's really great advice and helpful and so hopeful to know you are in a great relationship and moved on!

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  3. Emily this happened to me too, do you mind if I ask what was the final straw for you? How did you finally end it?

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  4. Luckily for me, I went to school in another state and school finally ended and I moved away. 1200 miles did me wonders. But towards the end I just really got tired of feeling bad about myself. Honestly, I suggest getting on a dating site or just going on dates. Not destructive one night stand behavior or anything, just remind yourself what positive attention feels like. I still sometimes am amazed when my boyfriend always answers my calls and genuinely wants me around all of the time. That isn't something that should surprise someone! No contact with him, blocking social media sites that you want to stalk, and positive relationships are what helped me move on. Good luck to both of you! It's so nice to know I'm not alone with having issues like this!

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  5. Emily I totally wish you lived in LA and we could go for a drink!

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