Monday, March 3, 2014

Boundaries & the BLOW OFF

When you get a new puppy, probably the first thing one should do is train it. I've always been really bad at that because whenever I try to scold a dog, they tilt their head and look at me like “what did I do? I love you.” So it doesn't matter if they got into the pantry, pooped in the house or chewed my shoes.” Within five minutes I like “I’m so sorry I yelled, I love you too.” OK, maybe not if they chewed my shoes.

My dogs have always known they could get away with a LOT and the problem is that if a dog gets used to shitting in the house, it’s gonna be pretty tough to start making him go outside. The same can be said for relationships.

I have some really bad relationship habits. First, I always assume the worst. I’ve gotten so used to dating guys who are bad for me so my expectations are pretty low. The sad truth is that I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to have a guy treat me like a princess even though I do know I deserve that. If a guy is a decent human being and I’m attracted to him, I will cut him tons of slack.
Another problem is my communication skills. I am horrible at saying how I feel and prefer to express myself in writing so that I can at least control what I say. It’s also always been so much easier for me to be physical and say something like “I want to hook up with you,” as opposed to “I like you.” Guys pretty much always respond well to “I want to hook up with you.”

There is a guy from my past who came to LA and wanted to see me. He invited me to his hotel room. I wanted more so I asked if he could meet me out the following night. He said he had already made plans, but would try. Well, the next night he texted me saying his plans ran late, but we could meet up after. I said “gee thanks.”  Now this guy had good reason to believe that I would be OK with this behavior, because I had pretended to be in the past. I also made tons of excuses for him because I had previously been involved with his twin brother (you know, normal relationship problems). We didn’t end up seeing each other and when we later discussed it, he said that if I wanted him to take me out for a drink I should have just said that. It’s so crazy, but that thought had never even occurred to me.  I was so sure he only wanted me for sex that I didn’t even give him the chance to prove me wrong.

I spent a long time hanging out with a guy who never really took me out and never really let me into his life. We developed this easy and comfortable routine and by the time I wanted more it was not even an option. I really can’t blame him. I mean, he had been getting both the physical and emotional benefits of a relationship without having to do much. Did I really think he was suddenly going to be like “This is too easy. Please let me do some work and make a real commitment.” As annoying as the saying “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” might be, it’s just the truth. We set the tone in the beginning and once that tone is set, it’s reallly hard to change it. It’s easy for guys to find another girl who will make it easy for them or a girl who makes them actually do the work.

It’s scary to say how we feel or demand what we want because a guy could walk away. I guess it’s just really believing you deserve the best and that the right guy won’t walk away. It’s important to set reasonable boundaries from the start. I think people really do respect those who place a high value on themselves. People appreciate the things they've really worked for.  The more a guy invests in you, the more he will want you.

I vow to start setting boundaries from the beginning. I vow to raise my expectations and try to communicate better (and in person). Basically I vow to start charging for my milk and to always remember that I am a pretty awesome cow. 

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