Tuesday, March 25, 2014

RIP: Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin

The couple released this statement on her blog Goop (I'd link to it, but the site has crashed):

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

Our analysis:

Weirdly, this makes me kind of sad but I also take comfort in it.  Why?  Well, while I actually don't hate Gwyneth as much as the rest of the world-- from what I gather about her (based on the fact that I do read Goop every week) she's the type who loves to tell everyone else how to live their lives-- and has no perspective on how the other half actually lives.  We should all be detoxing.  We should all know how to perfectly roast a chicken.  We should all bow down to Tracey Anderson.  We should all be able to afford to stay in luxury hotels and buy designer clothes. She's also been a bit holier than thou when it comes to her marriage.  In fact, I'm sure these two would have separated a long time ago if it wasn't for Gwyneth's nagging fear that everyone would see her as a failure.  But it's like--finally-- something to make her more human to the rest of us. She doesn't have all the answers either. 

That said, you kind of have to love that they had to come up with their own term for the whole thing.  They did not make a decision to get a divorce, they made a decision to "consciously uncouple". 

The writing was on the wall for awhile with these two.  Years ago there were rumors that he cheated on her with Kate Bosworth.  More recently, there were rumors that she cheated on him with Kevin Yorn and Jeffrey Soffer.  Plus, they got married in 2003-- when Martin was only twenty-seven.  Remember what Ethan Hawke said about getting married that young???

I only have three remaining thoughts/questions.  Okay, fine. Five.

#1 Who will get Jay-Z and Beyonce in the divorce?
#2 Who will they date next?  My guess is Gwyneth has her eyes on Michael Fassbender and Martin might end up dating some British model that's besties with Suki Waterhouse. 
#3 Is "what might have been possible between us" going to be the title of Coldplay's next album?
#4 When you become besties with Cameron Diaz does that automatically mean your marriage is on the rocks.
#5 Somewhere Winona Ryder is like "HA."
            

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