Tuesday, March 11, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: SEASON FINALE, bitches!

Holy crap.  Where do I even begin?  I just finished watching The Bachelor + the After the Final Rose and I'm pretty sure I could write the next great American novel about it BUT instead, I'm going to write this recap.  It's 11:11pm now (somebody likes me a lot)-- let's see what time it is by the time I'm done with this thing.  It's not looking so good since these were all the notes I took:

The episode begins with Clare and Nikki meeting Juan Pablo's family.  Here are some highlights so we can quickly move on to the good stuff...

In an unprecedented move, Juan Pablo's own flesh and blood basically takes this opportunity to tell the women that they are clinically insane if they want to marry Juan Pablo.  Some interesting facts we learn about him:

1. He's very rude.
2. He's made his mother cry.
3. He's got ADHD and/or is hyperactive.  
3. He wants everything to go his way, all the time.
4. At the first sign of things getting hard, he runs away.
5. All you will do if you marry Juan Pablo is watch TV all day long.

It's also important to point out that Juan Pablo's family is sweet, kind, and adorable.  (Except for Camilla who I'm pretty sure tried to bitch slap Clare, but Clare thought she was playing Down by the Banks of the Hanky Panky.)

Another interesting moment: Juan Pablo's father tells Clare that he loves her.  Hmmm.  At least someone hears that in this episode.

After both family meet and greets are over, each woman gets another individual date.  The first one goes to Clare and she gets to go on--- wait for it--- a helicopter ride!!  No. seriously.  ABC really made us wait for that shit this season because it was the only helicopter ride on the show!  Which is apparently a good thing because helicopters bring out Juan Porno's randy side.  In what will remain one of life's greatest and most frustrating mysteries, Juan Pablo whispers something completely offensive (and sexual) in Clare's ear when it's just them and the pilot and no cameras or mics.

Holy shit, someone find me that pilot!  I will pay him a million dollars to tell us what Juan Pablo said!  Apparently, he also said something about how he doesn't know Clare that well.  So, if Clare's IQ wasn't in the single digits, she would know that this is his secret way of saying "I'm not going to pick you."  But who cares about that.  What was the sexual thing that he said?!?!?  Here are some guesses:

I loved fucking you from behind, but como te llamas?
I feel like I'd know you better if we did it up the butt.
I know that you like to swallow, but I don't know anything else about you.

As God and Chris Harrison as my witness, I will make it my life's mission to find out the truth.  Even if I have to move to Sacramento and become best friends with Clare's sister Laura-- I don't care what it takes.  I'll do it.

Clare is extremely disturbed and appalled by the whole thing and decides she needs to confront Juan Parvo Virus about what it all meant.  This is where I hope that Clare is going to pull an Andi and become a real contender for the next bachelorette by telling Juan Pablo he's a disgusting pig and she doesn't want to have anything to do with him BUT...that doesn't happen.  Juan Pablo arrives and knows he's in trouble when he doesn't get a besito.  Clare calls him out on what he said in the helicopter (maybe she's just a prude and it was just something innocent like "I loved being inside you"?) and he says they were in private, it was their private conversation, blah blah blah.

In other words, we were in private so I had every right to be a dickface.  Do you know how hard it is to have to be nice to you stupid whores on camera all the time? 

It's now 100% confirmed that Juan Pablo is Voldemort because he uses some crazy mind tricks to somehow convince Clare that he could see a future with her.  She says "I'm nervous" and he consoles her by saying "I'M NERVOUS." He then slut-shames her once again for the time she broke their no kissing rule.  But then he streams that horrible Josh Krajcik song on Spotify and says something about how he could sort of see himself in the future maybe with her on a date to the movies and she takes that to mean there's still a 50% chance she might get a diamond ring, so she doesn't dump him.  BUT she also doesn't present him with a scrapbook or a watercolor painting of all of their happiest times together, so it's not looking good for Clare.

Nikki's one on one date is a snooze fest compared to Clare's-- but after seeing Juan Private be so patronizing (Sharleen's word, not mine) in the last scene-- Nikki looks like a complete fool for saying that she's in love with him.  It's then that I realize these two women are not competing for Juan Pablo's love, they are competing for the title of stupidest woman in America.  The best part of this date is when Nikki and Juan Pablo fantasize about their future and he literally says they will be watching TV a lot.  And then-- I SHIT YOU NOT-- he says, he'll be watching baseball in his office alone all the time.  And Nikki's like: well...not all the time.

Gotta hand it to Juan Pablo...he's not kidding when he says he's always honest with the women.  Nikki and him have their last night together and I have to say she's still in the running because she doesn't confront him about anything or call him out on any of his bullshit.  Instead, she presents him with a framed photo of them and a card. Nikki has excellent penmanship and should be required to write all the Fantasy Suite date cards from now on.  Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon says good bye to Nikki and she balls her eyes out.

ABC spares Neil Lane the humiliation of being on the show and cuts out the scene of him presenting Juan Pablo with diamond rings he plans to give to know one.  Clare and Nikki both put on ugly evening gowns that don't do well in wind and then are forced to take a boat ride to possibly get engaged.  I REALLY hope that someone will leak footage of the producers pointing a gun to these chicks heads forcing them to say things like:

This is going to be the day I get engaged to the man of my dreams.
My fairytale is about to come true.
Every woman waits her entire life for the day she gets engaged.
I want a diamond so bad, I don't care how many African warlords profited off of it.

Clare is the first to arrive and at this point, the only person in the world who doesn't realize she's NOT getting engaged is Clare.  Even Chris Harrison is resisting the urge to push the boat back into the water and send Clare back to her sisters Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy. (For all of you non-literary types, that's a Little Women reference.)

But Clare trudges through the sand in her heels and impractical dress all wide-eyed and over-eager-- like she's right out of the happy part of a Taylor Swift song.  The cruelest part of this whole thing is that the producers made each lady give Juan Puke Face a speech about how much they love him.  Juan Pablo smugly listens to Clare as she pours her heart out, then he responds by saying that he wishes the earth sucked him today because he's sending Clare home.  What follows is the most amazing shit I have ever seen on television.  We're talking Breaking Bad finale times a thousand.  Juan Pablo reaches out to hug Clare, but she moves away and places her hands in front of him.  She goes on to say that she gave him every opportunity to let her go and he convinced her to stick around.  She points out that Sharleen and Andi both left the show because they didn't have feelings for him and he should have had the decency to do the same with her.  And in the most kick ass move ever...she storms off-- then turns around and says: I WOULD NEVER WANT MY CHILDREN HAVING A FATHER LIKE YOU.

Holy. Shit.  I am not joking when I say, I literally screamed and jumped up and down on the couch.  I was like in Tom Cruise/Oprah territory.  My husband officially thinks I'm an insane person for being this emotionally invested BUT that's pretty much the biggest burn you can deliver to a man who's played the "I have a daughter" card all season.  Clare is my new hero.

That speech was SO good that you just know she wrote it the night before and practiced it at least thirty-two times in the mirror.  Bitch needs to run for President.  She had a freaking concession speech ready.  Even Mitt Romney wasn't capable of that.

Juan Pablo simply says: I'm glad I didn't pick her.  

Now it's Nikki's turn.  She arrives very confident saying that she knows this is the day she's going to get engaged.  She gives Juan Poo-head a speech about how Juanderful he is, blah blah and then he lists off a few things he loves about her and references how when he met her dad he said "Don't propose to my daughter unless you're a 100% sure".  The whole time Nikki is pretty much panting like a dog waiting for the Neil Lane engagement ring she worked so hard for.  And since Juan Pablo is literally the worst human being since Osama Bin Laden...he tells Nikki he has a ring in his pocket.  The girl's eyes popped out of her freaking head.  But then he followed it with "but I'm not gonna use it, because I'm not a 100% sure but I'm 100% sure I don't want to say good bye to you."  English translation: "I don't want to be engaged to you, but I'd like to keep fucking you for awhile."

Nikki says she loves him and he says "I like you a lot" and then asks her if she'll accept his final rose.  And...she does.  She fucking does.  Which means that Nikki came off looking like the biggest loser in all of Bachelor history.  I mean, Clare looks like a freaking hero in comparison.  I mean, come on.  The least he could do is give her a dozen roses.

The strangest thing is-- this should be the most reasonable and normal way for the show to end.  A guy dates a bunch of women and at the end he chooses one of them to be his girlfriend.  SO why is it so awful?  Ugh, because it's Juan Pablo.  He's so slimy.  He's so manipulative.  And he honestly thinks a woman should be thrilled to hear "I like you a lot" from him.  What makes it extra humiliating is how forthright Nikki is about being in love with him.  And honestly, I don't think Juan Pap Smear is into her at all. 

Guys. It gets worse.  For starters, Sharleen has gone from being a panda to a brown bear.  What was up with that beauty queen hair and MAC lipstick?  Not a good look and I used to sport Chestnut lip-liner from 1999-2002.

I'm pretty much physically and emotionally exhausted but here are the best moments from After the Final Rose.

#1 Clare still won't reveal what kind of perverted comment Juan Pablo made in the helicopter.  She says she doesn't want to confront him on the live show, because she doesn't need to listen to more of his BS.  The live studio audience wants her to crowd surf over them-- that's how much they love her now.  Clare should totally start a cult tomorrow so I can join it.

#2 Chris Harrison keeps telling us that Juan Pablo has a huge surprise, but when he asks Juan Pablo about it-- he's like "No I don't."  And Chris is like "Yeah you do, you told our producers about it" and Juan Pablo is like NO.  (Note to self: after you find out what Juan Pablo said to Clare in the helicopter, find out what the huge surprise was supposed to be).

#3 Shockingly, Juan Pablo and Nikki are still together, but watching them on the show was beyond uncomfortable.  To quote Chris Harrison: I don't know what I'm looking at.  She looks like a battered wife sitting next to him.  Like, if she said the wrong thing on the show, he'd beat her up later.  Watching her thought process during the show was fascinating, because you could tell she was slowly realizing that the more Juan Pablo talked, the deeper the hole he was digging them both into-- all she could do was look at him and smile and give him besitos.

#4 No one ever wants to hear Juan Pablo speak again, especially Chris Harrison.  We need to really hand it to the guy. If it were me, I would have put Juan Pablo in a choke hold.  You could tell he was getting SO frustrated with him because he wouldn't say that he loves Nikki.  What confused me was that Harrison said: you love her, but you won't say you love her.  WHA?  I think it's pretty obvious he loves her as much as say...he loves getting the shingles or....he loves finding warts on his penis.

#5 Sean and Catherine are in pure disgust of this whole situation.  Catherine seriously can't believe Nikki gave up her vagina and only got a rose in return.  Sean keeps stressing that he and Juan Pablo are very different people (i.e. Sean is not a piece of shit).  I will say when Sean warns Juan Pablo that things won't be private--- I had to laugh.  Yes, they won't be private if you sign up to do Dancing With the Stars, then have your wedding televised, and then return to every show that is somewhat affiliated to The Bachelor.

#6 Juan Pablo and Nikki not so eloquently try to explain why it's completely normal for them to not be in love considering this show is a big fat fucking joke.  And you know what?  They are 100% right.  What drives me crazy is that even though one of them speaks perfect English, they don't make any good points on the topic. 

#7 Chris Harrison is going to call Des's brother later to put a hit out on Juan Pablo.  Nobody tells Harrison not to interrupt them. 

#8 I'm sorry-- but I find it pathetic that Nikki fully says she's in love with Juan Pablo and is fine with him not returning her feelings.  This sort of cancels out #6.  And what's up with his comment about how they had big plans but they had to cancel them two weeks ago???? Maybe they had planned to move to LA and Chris Harrison black balled him.  (Editor's note: that theory was a text message I got from my sister).

#9 I will bet everyone a hundred million dollars that within the next two weeks, Nikki will be on the cover of People Magazine telling us how she was fooled by Juan "I like you a lot" Pablo.

#10 Andi is the new bachelorette.  In other words, Andi is the woman that will be standing around for twelve weeks looking pensive, while ABC does a televised casting call for the next bachelor. 

On that note, I will end this season of recaps with this tweet. Signing off at 12:35am...:


  1. http://radionowindy.com/1343963/omg-what-did-juan-pablo-really-say-to-clare-that-was-so-offensive-and-almost-sent-her-packing-early-on-the-bachelor-finale/

  2. OMG! That is so amazing. Thank you, Anonymous.

  3. I could not wait for this recap this morning. My blood was literally boiling. I think Juan Pablos is the devil and I hate his face. I think his plans that "drastically changed" was that he was so sure he was going to be on dancing with the stars, but they did not want him. Because he sucks at life. So his plans of moving to LA and becoming famous have now changed into keeping things private because no one likes him, everybody hates him and he should hide in a hole and just eat worms.

  4. Sara!!!! I love Farsi part of your notes :)))

    1. LOL! Thank you! It's my favorite thing to doodle :)

  5. This is a fantastically funny piece. So well-written. I hardly have words for juan pablo. He's a human being and has feelings but really he is nauseating in the extreme and doesn't have a clue. I wouldn't believe him if he dropped dead in front of me. He just doesn't know how to be real and doesn't know that and it seems he can't be reached. Narcissistic? Not depthful enough to be able to even try to see himself? He's insufferable. No words penetrate him. I think he could seriously drive a female person insane and think SHE'S the crazy one. It seems he has no real emotions. I could go on and on. I urge him to get into tberapy but of course he won't because he doesn't think anything's wrong with him.