Tuesday, March 4, 2014

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Women. Tell. All.

I'm pretty sure this was the first women tell all where they brought the bachelor out purely so he could get berated and emotionally abused by the women.  I'm sort of sad they didn't literally crucify him WHILE giving him a Manzillian.  Generally, the ladies like to bash one of their fellow female contestants (do the names Michelle, Courtney, or Tierra ring a bell?) but this season, they had nothing but love for each other. Is it merely a coincidence that bachelor bashing happened when ABC had their first Latino Bachelor?  El Infierno No!  That's Spanish for: OH HELL NO.

Clearly, all these women are racist because Juan Pablo is PERFECT.  Hashtag sarcasm.  Anyway, here are the ten most significant moments from the women tell ALL!

10. Andi's eyebrows.  I'm sorry, but they may have single-handedly ruined her chances of becoming the next bachelorette.  They looked like dark black thin pieces of pipe cleaner strung along her forehead.  They looked like she put a ruler against her forehead and drew two straight lines with black sharpie.  They looked like my eyebrows in 1999.

9. Everyone is really upset on Renee's behalf, but she is still too nice and maybe kind of dumb to be mad about anything.  If you are reading this and you are friends with Renee, PLEASE take her to the nearest Barnes & Noble and buy her a hardcover copy of He's Just Not That Into You.  I just feel like she doesn't get the fact that she was totally strung along.  Or that Juan Pabs made out with Cassandra every chance he got but claimed he didn't want to upset Ben by kissing her.  Renee needs a female Hitch in her life.  Someone to tell her that just because she went on one nice date with a guy back home, she can't come on the Women Tell All and say she's in a situation she doesn't want to jinx. Okay, according to Wetpaint she's engaged-- and just moved to Seattle with Ben and her new man-- which merely proves my point.  I'm pretty sure it's only been about three months ago since she left the show.  What kind of person gets engaged that fast and moves her kid?!  Side note, I'm SO happy for Renee. 

8.  The women somehow missed the fact that Juan Pablo does not speak English. They were really up in arms about the fact that Juan Pablo didn't ask them questions about themselves and that the conversations felt surface level, etc.  Ladies: the man speaks English about as well as the rest of you speak Swahili.  Also (side note) BUT why bother getting to know a girl who goes on The Bachelor?  I mean, ewww.  You girls are gross.  The man was probably afraid little pieces of chlamydia might fly into his mouth and get stuck in his teeth.

7. Andi is an evil genius and an over-exaggerator.  The way I see it, Andi's night in the fantasy date was not a nightmare but the equivalent of a bad first date where the guy talks about himself, tries to impress you by name dropping, accidentally brags about another girl he's bagged, and negs you in an effort to get you to like him.  I completely get why after this date she would be like "I don't want to see him anymore" BUT I also think she was very calculated about the whole thing.  She went to sleep that night concocting a plan in her head to confront Juan Pablo the next day ON CAMERA.  She didn't give him any warning that he was offending her during the date itself.  And I also don't believe any of it would have happened if he didn't say she barely made it (AKA don't be surprised or hurt when I don't give you a rose).  Also, I'm pretty sure she still had sex with him, but somehow, she's managed to become the Gloria Steinem of our generation.  EVIL. GENIUS. (also, I think it's awesome that Juan Pablo was trash-talking the show in the fantasy suite.)

6.  So, Andi might kill herself if she hears "it's okay" again, but do you know what will make me kill myself?  Hearing another woman say she came on the show to "find her husband."  Is it bad that I like Juan Pablo more when I hear he came on the show to find a girlfriend?  Here's the deal, ABC.  Your show is SO outdated.  #1 It's completely ludicrous to expect two people to get engaged at the end.  #2 Do you realize what it's like to date these days?  Do you know it's like the world's biggest miracle to just have a guy say he wants to date you and be your boyfriend?  Do you realize we would die of happiness if at the end of the season Juan Pablo or any of the bachelors before him simply said: Are you cool with being exclusive?

5. Cassandra still has the IQ of a barbie doll, but she made THE best point of the night (even though it looked like her head might pop off her neck when she heard the word "cerebral"). After Juan Pablo claimed he waited to kiss Renee because she had told him that Ben had taken a previous break up of hers really hard-- Cassandra was the one to call him out on the fact that he should not have gone to Renee's hometown to meet Ben unless he knew Renee was the one.  SO TRUE.  Juan Pablo was like "huh?  What are you talking about?  I introduce Camilla to every chick that leaves our house early in the morning as daddy's friend, what's the big deal?"  We now know that Nikki meeting Camilla was not significant at all, because Camilla has met thousands of daddy's friends.

4. I won't lie, it was refreshing to see a bunch of the women on the show admit that they just weren't that into the bachelor aside from the fact that he was hot BUT every so often, when you've got a group of women bitching together-- they come off looking really dumb and bitter.  Like-- how embarrassing was it that they kept harping on the fact that Juan Pablo called the single moms his "special ones" because they left kids behind? The ladies were like "we left a lot behind too!" Oh realllllly Lauren H., what did you leave behind?  Your scrapbooks?  Your wedding dress you never got to wear cause your fiance dumped you?  Your job as-- let me guess-- a dental hygienist?

ALSO: the women that left their kids behind should be ashamed of themselves. 

3. Ugh. A Sean and Catherine interview?  So many thoughts about this.  First of all, I hate Catherine's bangs. Second, it's kind of a bad sign when your wife of five weeks thoroughly enjoys making fun of you.  Sean said there were fireworks on their wedding night and Catherine said there were "quick fireworks" then started laughing like a psycho bitch.  We also come to find out that on their honeymoon, Sean got stung by a jellyfish in his penis.  Uh, yeah right.  He was probably too afraid to have sex with her again after she emotionally abused him for ejaculating too quickly and had to find a way to avoid sex with her all week!

2. Gays are perverts?  Yes or no.  Answer the question Juan Pablo!  I thought it was really hot that Dog Lover Kelly confronted Juan Pablo on his homophobic comments, then started crying because her dad is gay.  Look, Juan Pablo totally fucked up.  I think he meant to say gay men are super horny but used the word pervert instead.  Either way, stereotyping is wrong.  But I did like that he told Kelly he wanted to talk to her for an hour after the show to explain himself.  Plus, according to Sharleen they had discussions about equality and he's all about it.  Which brings me to....

1. SHARLEEN.  Seriously, what is Sharleen?  I hate to say it, but she annoyed the fuck out of me in this episode.  Sharleen might be a pod person that's been invaded by Anne Hathaway.  The way she uses words like cerebral and curious and equality all the time.  Barf.  The way she pretended to defend Juan Pablo when what she was really doing was flaunting the fact that he was different with her.  Go back and watch it again.  Every nice thing that Sharleen said about Juan Pablo was her way of saying: he liked me more than everyone, neener neener neener.  She's like that friend who when you say "So and so is really mean to me" she says "REALLY?  She's SO nice to me."  Sharleen, you may be elegant and you may be classy and you may make it on the Vanity Fair best dressed list BUT let's get something straight.  You still went on the fucking Bachelor which makes you shittier than 99.9% of women.  AND you're still responsible for the most awkward kiss in bachelor history.

Here are few things the Women Tell All left out:
Okay, Victoria was there and we didn't get to hear anything about her crazy drunk ass?  I have so many questions.  Did she go to rehab?  Did God grant her the serenity to accept the things she cannot change, the courage to change the things she can, and the wisdom to know the difference?  I need to find out.

Really Chris Harrison?  You're not going to ask Sharleen about the most awkward kiss in bachelor history?

The women say Nikki and Clare are completely different people.  HOW!?

Is Molly a service dog?  How is she allowed everywhere?

Whatever happened to one-armed Sarah from Sean's season?

Seriously, how did Cassandra feel about getting dumped on her birthday and did Juan Pablo know it was her birthday?

Where DOES Allison see herself in five years? Okay, now where does she see herself in three years?

Okay guys. Until next week.  I'll be shocked if Juan Pablo is engaged to anyone, but I'm excited to see him get confronted by Clare during the After the Final Rose.  Better yet, maybe her sister will come out and beat him with a rolling pin then break the DVD her dad made in half.  Fingers crossed! 

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