Monday, April 21, 2014

25 things men need to understand about women

Dudes: there's a lot you seem to still not understand about women.  And that's totally fine.  We're complicated creatures.  But I thought I'd try to make your lives a little less stressful by making this handy cheat sheet.  Obviously, some of the things on here may not apply to every single female out there, but even if you can start to acknowledge five items from the list, then you'll be in good shape. Good luck!

25.  When we talk about our problems, we really don't want you to give solutions.  We actually know what the solution is--- we just want to be comforted.  All you need to say is "That really sucks, I'm so sorry" (over and over again).

24.  It's really sweet when you hold our hand-- walking down the street, at the movies, on an airplane. It sort of makes us feel like together we can conquer the world.

23.  We take longer showers than you, because it takes time to shave our legs.  Mystery solved!

22.  Click here. 

21. If we're pissed off at one of our friends, then we need you to also be pissed off on our behalf. Men used to go into battle to defend a woman's honor, we just need you to be like "ugh, what a bitch."

20. We know The Real Housewives franchise isn't on par with a show like Justified, but it's SO much more entertaining.  And we kind of love it when you watch it with us. #bookgate

19. Yes, we get it.  We walk slower than you.  We would still really like it if you didn't walk five feet ahead of us all the time.  (Bonus: The only time we'll ever walk faster than you is when we're extremely pissed off at you). 

18. It's a cliché, because it's true: it's a huge turn on when you help us with housework.

17. Unless we're going through menopause, we are cold all the time.  Please turn down the AC.

16. Our nipples are sensitive.  Be gentle.

15. We will never get mad if you offer to help with our overhead luggage.

14. We really want you to like our friends.  We really don't want you to tell us which ones you think are hot.

13. Sometimes we HAVE to wear high heels.  And no they aren't comfortable.  They're never comfortable.  So please don't lecture us on how we shouldn't buy shoes that aren't comfortable. 

12. Don't get annoyed when we have to pause Game of Thrones to ask questions.  We haven't read all the books and it's a confusing show.  But we'd totally be down if you started calling us Khaleesi.

11. Five minutes of cuddling after sex goes a long way. 

10. Having kids changes our lives more than it changes yours.  I'm sorry, it just does.  Try to remember that.  (Okay, admittedly-- I don't have kids.  Moms, if you disagree with this statement, comment below).

9. We plan for the future all the time.  I don't even mean five years from now.  I mean, if we know we're going to be out of town next weekend, then we really want to see you this weekend.  We need you to take these things into consideration as well.

8. I'm not sure there's anything we hate more than being mimicked.

7. Getting a Brazilian wax is excruciatingly painful.  In return, you are basically required to camp out at our vaginas during sex.

6. There's a fine line between being friendly and flirting and we need you to learn the difference and then never cross the line.

5. Warning: if we seduce you and you reject us, we may never seduce you again.  We're very sensitive to sexual rejection.  Don't blame us, blame a society that's made us think men never turn down sex.

4. We want this conversation to be over too.  And it will be as soon as we feel better about whatever it is we're fighting about.

3. I don't even need to tell you guys not to hold our heads down during a BJ right because you totally already know that, right?  I mean, seriously.  What if we did that to you while you were going down on us? 

2.  It takes us a long time to get ready, because aside from #23, we also have to put on body lotion, pluck our eyebrows, dry our hair, put on make up, get dressed, accessorize-- all things you don't have to deal with.  So...maybe you don't stand there impatiently and watch us the whole time?  Just sayin. 

1. "You look fine" are three words we never want to hear ever.  Especially after we just went through all those rituals in #2.

Ladies, anything I'm forgetting?  Comment below to add to the list!

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