Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Dysfunctional Friends & the BLOW OFF

Should I text him? He texted me! What do I say? Should I sleep with him? These are all the immediate questions that come to mind when we are dealing with dating and who do you pose these questions to- your friends, of course. But in my experience sometimes no advice is better than your friends' advice.

Why? I don't know about you but I have very few friends-- male and female-- who are in relationships I'd want to emulate. For the most part my girlfriends are either single or in dysfunctional relationships. Yes, I know that we are all usually much better at helping others solve their love woes than we are at our own, but you have to keep in mind that everyone comes at it from their own skewed perspective.  Even if you give them every possible detail, they still won't be able to fully understand your situation, because they aren't in it. Only the two of you are.

Some girlfriends insist that if you're traveling with a guy he MUST pay for your airline ticket and not just the hotel.  Some of my girlfriends make guys wait over a day to text them back.  Some of my girlfriends refuse to accept a date 72 hours in advance. But those aren't things that I would do. Whenever girlfriends-- who are in relationships I would never want to be in-- try to give me advice, in my head I'm Varsity Blues-ing that shit and screaming "I don't want your life!"

Most of my male friends aren't guys I'd want to date and most of their advice is geared towards what would work on them.  But I'm not interested in my friend that's close to thirty and obsessed with banging twenty-two year olds, so why would I take his advice? In my estimation sending a sext at 2am is not the best way to initiate a relationship. But my guy friends don't want relationships, so therefore their advice sadly doesn't apply to me.

Even my married friends have issues and some of them try to vicariously live their now defunct dating life through me. So their advice isn't about me or my situation at all. It's about them and what they'd do, what they wish the could do, or wished they did.

That being said, I realize that no one is "normal"- especially myself. But throwing all of those other people into the mix with their baggage (and I ain't talking Louis Vuittion) certainly won't help either. The best thing to do is take a step back from your situation until you can be calm and decide what to do. Put that good ole' women's intuition to work, bitch. Your gut will never steer you wrong. And it's also important to remember that if one semi-innocuous action ends things between you and your potential beau, it probably never would've worked out anyway.

Do you guys always heed the advice from your friends when it comes to dating?



  1. Definitely agree that everyone gives advice based on their own situations and biases. I know at times I tend to be tell my single friends to give guys the benefit of the doubt when it's probably better for them to just walk away. I will say, I actually struggle with getting relationship advice from friends who are in seemingly perfect relationships. Sometimes I think the people who have had struggles in their own relationships are less judgmental and more open minded.

  2. I totally agree, i have been so much more empathetic/less judgmental since my own totally dysfunctional relationship. And I feel like i often look for advice when i already know the answer or what i am going to do. I just want that one person to tell me what i want to hear or give me "permission." Lately, I've found I'm much happier just doing what I want to do and not letting others influence me. Because what you said is true: you are the only person who knows what your relationship is really like and what you feel in my gut. These days if I want advice, i go to my therapist (an objective professional) and am trying to let my friends off the hook from hearing about my dysfunctional relationship and myself off the hook from being skewed by their dysfunctional advice!