Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Exquisite Pain & the BLOW OFF

Rihanna and Chris Brown. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber. Carrie and Mr. Big. Some of the most beautiful, talented, and famous women in the world have been in toxic relationships. I know Carrie and Mr. Big are fictional characters, but they are real to me. I bet you all could name a few of your friends who are hot, smart, and amazing, but can’t seem to get over their ex. And you could never understand why they were with him in the first place. Of course, the most significant member of the Toxic Relationships Club is...me.  Well, in my humble opinion anyway.
Everyone has two sides: a rational side and an emotional side. We are driven by the emotional side. In the constant battle between our head vs. our heart, the heart often wins. And like with any addiction, the highs are higher and the lows are lower. Yet somehow the highs can almost make the lows seem worth it. You can try and explain to someone how it feels to be on ecstasy. They can process the words and have an idea. Maybe they've even seen someone else rolling on a river. Still, you don’t know until you KNOW. And it’s so easy to judge when you have no freaking clue.

It’s hard to get over an addiction. It’s hard to let go of someone who means a lot to you. You have to truly WANT to break free and even if you reach that place, adjusting to a new life without that person is a constant struggle.  I've asked a number of girls how they finally overcame their kryptonite. Often times, they will tell me they moved across the country, he moved across the country, they met someone else, or he did. In other words, there was a tangible reason forcing them to move on. I give so much credit to any girl who is able to walk away and stay away without any help from the universe.

Maybe I like instant gratification a little too much. Maybe I am just "addicted to the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable". When Carrie got back together with Big and said she never felt more alive, I totally get it. It’s a bittersweet symphony this life, and one of the harshest realities is that someone so bad for you can make you feel the most alive.

One silver lining is that my own situation has made me so much more empathetic to other girls going through this painful process. It’s OK to not always be so strong (after all I’m only hurting myself and myself will be OK one day). 

Hopefully something will happen to make me want to let go once and for all. Still, I’m never going to beat myself up for listening to my heart, even if my head is probably right. And until the day comes when I am strong enough to let go, I am so grateful to have people in my life who are there no matter what to love and support me (bad decisions and all). It’s like the magical song "Right Kind of Wrong"  in Coyote Ugly says:

They say you're somethin I should do without
They don't know what goes on when the lights go out
There's no way to explain
All the pleasure is worth all the pain

How did you finally let go of your exquisite pain? I’d realllly love to know!

11 comments:

  1. I just want to say I love Carrie and Big too! They are absolutely real to me. Even though SATC2 was terrible, I still loved it! I would watch SATC10 if they made it that far!

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  2. Therapy and getting tired of the BS. Icing on the cake was when the current gf called and told me I could have him back anytime, left me a voicemail with her number to call and come pick him up... No thank you you can keep him!! Still seem them around town, I assume they are unhappily still together... happily single party of 1 over here!

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    1. PLEASE write a full BLOW OFF post about this. That is hilarious and awesome.

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    2. I really wish I was witty enough to write a post, there are some good stories with him that are funny now.. That is probably one of the most disappointing parts of breaking up is realizing the guy you put on a pedestal is not such a stand up guy after all.

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    3. You don't have to be witty to write a post for us! Personal non-witty stories are always the best!

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  3. Once I accepted that the energy I was putting into missing him, regretting certain behaviors, and over-analyzing things that had happened (years ago) was completely unproductive, I began to refocus my thoughts on things that were more beneficial to my current daily life.

    A therapist once told me that thinking about my ex was a habit that I'd formed when faced with idle time. Once I'd mentally checked off everything else to think about, I'd go back to an area in which I felt I'd failed: the only relationship I'd ever had. This was true.

    I then had a yoga instructor tell my class that the past would never happen again. This was a liberating idea: why waste time on something you couldn't change? All the dwelling in the world wasn't going to make us not break up or get us back together.

    Even though I don't have it all figured out, I do take pride in knowing that I can go days without him even crossing my mind. Being that it once felt as though every thought hung on a minute detail of what went wrong, I consider it a major accomplishment.

    Namaste, yo.

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    1. Sassypants, I think you need to write a spiritual BLOW OFF for us called "namaste, yo." Love this!

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  4. Reminds me of that One Republic song the line that says "Everything that kills me makes me feel alive."

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  5. It's so true! Love that song. And thanks for the advice/stories! I am impressed with all of you girls.

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  6. I'm one of those girls who moved in an attempt to get over him! Not across the country, but to another city 3 hours away. It still took a couple of more years of occasional break-downs, but I'm finally over it! :-) No second thoughts about him in a few years now. Moving out of the same small city helped for sure. It prevents any chance of running into him, and gives you a fresh start. I thought he was the love of my life. He was a cheater. I hope to hell that he wasn't as good as I'm going to find! But if so, it's much better being single than being with someone who doesn't cherish you.

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    1. Like your post so much. Things just ended with someone I thought/wanted to be the love of my life. I can't move away but I doubt we'll see each other. Nice to know that you can move on and get over it!

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