Thursday, April 24, 2014

We can't be friends anymore (because your boyfriend sucks)

We've all had that friend.  The one who always seems to be getting herself (or himself) into terrible relationships.  At first, we might bite our tongues.  Maybe he's different when they're alone together.  We love who we love.  Who are we to judge?  But then it dawns on us...shit.  I might have to hang out with this person for the rest of my life.

Consensus seems to be that you don't tell your friends if you like dislike their significant other unless they're putting themselves in danger by being with them and need a serious intervention.  Otherwise, you have to suck it up and let them figure it out for themselves.  I'm all for that.  But what do you do when you REALLY dislike the person they're dating and just don't want to hang out with them?  And/or when you're sick to death of consoling your friend over their relationship problems with said person?

This is apparently what broke up the friendship between Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez.  And the boyfriend in question?  Justin freaking Bieber.  Gomez was apparently in rehab to try to get over Biebs, but as of Coachella they were currently on-again.  I can't for the life of me figure out what anyone would see in the guy.  He looks like he's twelve years old.  He pees in mop buckets and frequents whore houses.  If the rumors are true, then Taylor basically read Selena the riot act and said she couldn't be friends with her anymore.  And I don't blame her.  Girlfriend is busy.  She doesn't have time to listen to Selena whine about Justin only to watch her run back to him.

And if you're a Real Housewives of Orange County fan, then you're very familiar with the saga of Brooks and Vicki.  Brooks is a total shade-meister and none of the women on the show can stand him, but Vicki keeps holding on.  Maybe it's because she's in her fifties and newly divorced-- but she's still dating a man who advised her son-in-law to beat her daughter when she got out of line. 

Not all of my "I hate your boyfriend" experiences have been that extreme, but my friendships have definitely felt strained when unpopular significant others enter the frame.  One friend had a pattern of dating dudes who were on the socially awkward side.  Like, to the point where they didn't speak and it made everyone else around them really uncomfortable.  I know it seems like a small thing, but you don't want every dinner party or get together you throw to include that one person who alters the mood in a bad way.  I think I'm also at an age (33) where I'd rather be rude and hang out with the people I want VS be polite and hang out with people I'm not into.

And then in more extreme cases, I've had friends who've done the on again/off again/on again thing with guys who were borderline abusing them.  My old roommate was dating a dude who would only show up for sex and only called when he needed a ride to the airport or if his car broke down.  He cheated.  He even pulled a Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And she was in LOVE with him.  I can't tell you how many times I listened to her cry over a guy who basically saw her as nothing more than a vagina.  It drove me nuts to spend time consoling her only to watch her fall back into his web so quickly.  I finally had to tell her that it was fine if she wanted to date him, but I didn't want to know about it or hear about it ever again.  She and I are still friends, but not nearly as close as we used to be.

Have you guys ever had to BLOW OFF a friendship because of your friend's significant other?  If so, comment below!


  1. Having just been blown off by a friend for some of the above reasons, I have a different perspective (because it really sucks). I think it's totally fair for someone to reach their limit and say exactly what you said to your roommate. At a certain point, if you choose to continue in an unhealthy relationship, I think you need to take responsibility and accept that your friends might get sick of having the same conversations over and over and continuing to hold your hand through something they see is hurting you. Having said that, I think forcing someone to choose or offering an ultimatum doesn't ever end well for anyone. I think true friends should be able to come to some sort of understanding. The friend dating the douche should understand that people have limits, and the person on the other side should try and understand how hard it can be to break free. Once you set boundaries on friendships, it will never be the same, but if the friendship is worth holding onto it might be at least salvageable when the douche is finally gone. The way the artist formerly known as my friend handled things made me want absolutely nothing to do with her and pushed me closer to the guy.

    1. Wow, i love hearing the other side of this. Thanks Anonymous! If you ever have the time, we'd love for you to write a post on your experience. email us at if you're interested.

  2. I completely broke up with a friend for dating an emotionally and physically abusive guy. She had dated him previously and their first breakup was right before we met. I had just been dumped so we bonded over our new singleness and douchey exes. We became close friends fast. Jump forward two years she started to become distant. She'd cancel plans we had, stopped texting and calling me, etc... Come to find out, she was back with Mr. Wonderful. She finally fessed up some time later because he had beat her up in front of his mother, who did nothing to stop it. I told her I loved her and valued her friendship but that I wouldn't stand for that and wanted her to leave him. She said she loved him too much and that he didn't mean to hit her. So I ended our friendship. Maybe it was harsh but I couldn't stand by and watch. We've recently reconnected on Facebook and she's married to someone else and looks happy. Hopefully that's truly the case.

  3. Sometimes I have the same reaction in the opposite direction. I think way too hard about whether a guy will 'click' with my group of friends, and tend to end things before they get serious if I can't see both sides getting along. And I've definitely done that before they've even met each other.