Thursday, April 3, 2014

your new girlfriend is ugly (and so is your old one)

We're all guilty of internet stalking our exes, but there's something we don't talk about as often-- the fact that we also internet stalk their new girlfriends.  Thanks to Happily Married for inspiring this post by leaving this comment on Carolyn's accidental mistress article:

I'm going to share something with you that I have never told anyone.  
I was head over heels in love with my ex boyfriend. We were together for almost 4 years.  Shit happens. We broke up. He started dating someone else right away and they are now engaged. (It's been almost 4 years since we broke up now).  I waited 6 months before dating, was non-committal for awhile, and finally settled down with the man of my dreams. I don't want my ex back.... but I DREAM about him ALL THE TIME! I always wake up in shock and kind of depressed.  Then, of course, I can't help but stalk him and his beautiful fiance on facebook. (It's entirely too easy). I can only console myself with the fact that she has gained about 50 pounds since they moved clear across the country together. I know it's horrible, and I'm not the type to judge a person by their weight, but he always made a point of the fact that fat chicks were a huge turnoff for him.  Ahhh, the anonymity of the internet. Enabling women to relieve themselves of horrible secrets...

There's no shame in your game, Happily Married.  You are not alone.  It's impossible not to be curious about the men or women our exes have moved on with.  We'll search their Facebook timelines all the way to 2010 for clues that might answer those very painful questions: What does she have that I don't? Why were you able to make it work with her, but not me?  Before Facebook and Instagram, we had to let our imaginations run wild, but now we can see what our exes new GF ate for freaking breakfast.  A friend of mine just noticed that her boyfriend's ex started following her on Instagram.  What?  Doesn't his ex know that the first rule of stalking is to pretend you're not a stalker?  I have another friend who has the same first name as her ex's new girlfriend.  Ugh.  At least she's SO MUCH prettier than the new girl.

I fully admit that I've looked at a few pictures of my exes GFs or wives on the internet. The worst might be the ex who ended up with someone who was my exact physical opposite.  The woman might as well wear a T-shirt that says "he wasn't attracted to you".  On the plus side, I take great comfort in knowing that, just like their parents, their kids will be very fair skinned.  They'll be held prisoner by sunblock their whole lives and will never be able to get a proper tan.  So THERE.

But guys, guess what?  Our exes new girlfriends are probably stalking us as well.  I know this because I'm guilty of it as well.  I "dated" a guy in college whose ex-girlfriend was a total knock out.  We're talking a Category Charlize Theron.  The only thing this girl and I had in common was that we both had vaginas and hers was probably WAY prettier than mine.  I could barely hook up with the guy without wondering about how much better she looked naked.  It was awful.  And there was no such thing as social networking back then, but I could literally look out my dorm room window and see her sitting in the quad-- and I think we had binoculars.  So, I knew firsthand she wasn't just using filters to make herself look good--- she was a natural beauty. 

The first time I saw my husband's ex on Facebook, I was like "Sweet!  I'm so much cuter!" and then I saw them....BOOBS.  "One day, those motherfuckers will sag" I keep telling myself.  Small and perky wins the race of life, people.  I try not to be weirded out by the fact that his ex married someone who looks just like him. If could do a side by side I would-- but that would take my stalker tendencies to a whole new level. 

Are you guys haunted by your ex-boyfriend's new love interest?  Are you haunted by your current boyfriends old ones?  Guilty of stalking them?  Comment below. 


  1. The only thing I know of my husband's last two exes are that they were shorter and thicker than me, and both had dark hair. I'm a blond. He also told me the last one wore foundation too dark for her skin so she had that line under her chin every day. He thanked me for not having that! Haha!

  2. It's a double edged sword. On the one hand when I see most of my exes wives or gf's I'm like "Whoa! I'm Brooklyn Decker compared to her!" But then I realized that there must be something wrong with my personality if he still chose her.

  3. Oh, yes, I definitely do this. I have one particular ex who is now married, and I periodically "stalk" both of their FB pages. What's interesting is that I am quite over him and, oddly, I feel rather happy when I see photos of them on date nights, or gushing status updates from her about how insanely overjoyed they are together. She's not Charlize Theron, nor does she seem like serious rocket science material, nor does she have tons of money or anything else that would make her so much "better" than I. However, she's who he chose, and there's likely a good reason for that. So the part of me that still likes this guy as a person is glad he seems content. In fact, it's helped me realize how different he and I really are, and how different the lives we want to lead are. So, hey, stalking CAN be a good thing. Right?

  4. I want to thank Dr Akim for helping me to get my love back.My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago and told me he is not interested in me anymore and i want him back so badly that i went to the net and in searching for help and i saw so many good talk about this spell caster and i contact him and explain my problems to him and he cast a spell for me which i use to get my boyfiend back.If you need his help email:UNIQUELOVESPELLCENTER@YAHOO.COM