Tuesday, May 27, 2014

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode two

The most shocking thing about last night's episode is that the contestants living in the Bachelor house choose not to wear hazmat suits the entire time they're living there.  Instead, they opt to wear swim trunks and walk around barefoot.  Dudes, be careful. There's got to be fatal amounts of bacteria lurking around every corner of that mansion.  How has no one contracted a staph infection after all these seasons?  All the more reason for Chris Harrison to play it safe and appear at the home only in hologram form.

But week in and week out, the man braves the dangers of the house by showing up in person to carefully explain the rules of the show.  This week, there will be two 1-on-1 dates and one group date.  I'm lost and confused already.  For some reason, I expected a three on two date, a girls night out, and a day of alone time for Andi.  Harrison leaves the guys the first date card which goes to the late Eric Hill.  So, basically, we all get to be really depressed for the first thirty minutes of the show.

Like every female contestant that came before her, Andi gets a loaner sports car to pick up Eric for their first date.  Is this some sort of male fantasy or is it just a modern day spin on Malibu Barbie?  Because I know women and we hate to be the ones driving on a date.  If I was the Bachelorette, I would insist on being driven in a limo at all times.  Or a horse drawn carriage.  Or I'd make Chris Harrison push me in a pedi-cab.  Anyway...

Annoying Andi drives Eric to the beach, parks in a red zone, and they frolic to the ocean to fly a kite and build sand castles.  If this was real life, Andi would be laying on a beach towel reading Us Weekly and eating Smart Puffs, because...when was the last time any of us flew a kite on the beach? I take some comfort knowing that Andi's white bikini is butt ugly and it's at that moment that I wish Sharleen was the bachelorette, purely because she would be the most stylish contestant in history. 

Out of nowhere, a helicopter drops out of the sky to give Andi Rooney and Eric a ride over Los Angeles.  Awesome.  Just what LA needs.  Another helicopter flying over it.  Sadly, Anal with an M is not hired to fly them around.  They take in the smoggy views together, then get dropped off on top of Bear Mountain where they walk around in the snow in their bathing suits until a Jason Mraz look-alike shows up to teach them how to snowboard.  Somewhere, Steven the snowboarder who didn't get a rose last week is thinking how stoked he would have been to get this one on one date.

Andi falls a lot and giggles, while Eric shows off his snowboarding skills.  And then they sip hot cocoa.  We hear over and over again that they went from the beach to the mountains all in one day.  Yes, we get it.  This is the biggest LA cliche.  You can drive to the ocean and you can drive to the snow.  Whatever producer planned this date should be very proud of themselves.

If you didn't already feel super sad about the fact that Eric passed away recently, the show really drives a knife into your heart during the nighttime portion of their date.  It's SO hard to listen to Eric talk about wanting to get married and have kids, etc. And I realize this is going to sound awful, but the show was still taping when he had his accident-- which means that if Andi didn't send him home, he wouldn't have died.  Basically, what I'm trying to say is that it's all her fault.  Before you tell me I'm a terrible person for having these thoughts, go back and watch their entire conversation about Syria and you will hate her as much as I do.  When Eric starts out by saying that Syria was the most dangerous place he's ever been to-- Andi's like: Why?

Guys.  She doesn't know.  She does not know what's going on in Syria.  She doesn't know that there's been a civil war in the country for the last three years with more than 100,000 casualties.  Anyway, Eric tells her a story about how he was almost killed in Syria-- which is all the more eerie to watch under the circumstances-- and Andi does her best to appear wide-eyed and interested.  During this sequence, I'm overcome with an irresistible urge to slap her.  I literally feel like she wants to say "can we go back to talking about how we were on the beach and now we're in the snow?"

Eric gets a rose, because he's interesting and thoughtful and well-traveled and very good looking.  It should have been Craig, you guys.  It should have been Craig.

The weird thing about Andi is that I can't exactly put my finger on what makes me hate her so much.  I think it's a combination of the fact that she has no personality, that she conveys every emotion by opening her mouth really wide, that she says y'all way too much, that her eyebrows remind me of Morticia Adams, and that she's extremely smug.  So....she told Juan Pablo off when it became very clear to her that she wasn't going to get a rose.  Big fucking deal.  Let's not treat the girl like she's Malala Yousafzai for God's sake.

Okay, group date time.  Let's just cut to the chase on this one.  The men are told they'll be stripping in front of a live studio audience for "charity."  I wish I kept count of how many times ABC reminded us that this whole stripping fiasco was for CHARITY, though they never once specified which charity.  I'm guessing it's A. because no charity wants to be associated with the show or B. they hadn't secured one yet.  So here are a few guesses as to where the money will go:

#1 Towards the spray tan budget for Dancing with the Stars.
#2 The Chris Harrison hologram fund.
#3 The show's petty cash to be spent on booze to keep all the guys nice and liquored up.
#4 To disinfect the Bachelor house.
#5 To get Andi some normal sized teeth. 

I will say, the stripping sequence was actually slightly entertaining.  And we got to see Sharleen again!  This must have been very exciting for the male opera singer since he clearly signed up for the show with the hopes that Sharleen would be the Bachelorette and that ABC would cast them both in their live production of Madame Butterfly.

I feel like the stripping group date should be Marquel's moment to shine, but in true Bachelor fashion, we hardly see him at all during this date.  Give the man a solo!  Instead, Marcus gets the solo.  Don't be fooled by his first name.  He's white.  And he has a very greasy face.  For some reason, Andi is super duper into him, but he doesn't do it for me.  And neither does his butt jiggle.

The most disturbing part of this group date (aside from Chris Harrison getting a lap dance) was Craig deliberating over how much stuffing in his boy shorts would be an acceptable amount.  You guys, where did Craig come from?  He's like a cross between Pacey from Dawson's Creek and Leonardo Dicaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.  He's like always on the verge of cracking himself up. All in all, I think he's pretty harmless though.  Even his drunk antics later in the night were fairly tame.  He's got nothing on Victoria from last season.  I also thought Andi was a little too bitter about the fact that he got wasted.  She keeps wondering whether the guys are here for the right reason or whether they just want to party.

Um, seriously?  THEY JUST WANT TO PARTY.  That's the rightest reason for doing the show.  I'm certain they're all hoping they last long enough to make it to the international travel portion of the show.

Anyway.  In a move that surprises no one, Marcus gets the group date rose.  I smell frontrunner.  Personally, I think Brian the teacher should have gotten the rose purely as a consolation prize for the fact that he will now be fired for stripping on television.

Farmer Chris gets the next one on one date and I think him and Raggedy Andi are meant to be together, because neither of them has an upper lip.  This time, Andi laid down the law and refused to drive on this date.  Instead, a car takes Chris to the Santa Anita race tracks where Andi waits for him in full hair and make-up.  Unfortunately, Chris is wearing board shorts, a T-shirt, and green flip-flops.  Awkward.  Luckily, Andi thinks of everything and shows him to a storage closet full of suits and ties.

This date has "uneventful" written all over it.  It's SO boring that ABC has to strategically place an elderly couple next to Farmer Chris and Andi to ask them how long they've been together, all so the two of them can giggle and explain it's their first date.  The older couple has been married for fifty-five years.  Likely story, ABC.  I'm pretty sure I've seen the husband in a Viagra ad and the wife in an Osteoporosis commercial.  They've got SAG cards in their wallets.  They probably met in a recent community stage production of Dirty Dancing where they played the Schumachers.

Also, I think all the money the guys raised for "charity" on the group date was gambled away on horses.

During the evening portion of their date, Farmer Chris opens up to Andi about the fact that he proposed marriage to his ex-girlfriend even though he wasn't really feeling it.  PERFECT.  This entire franchise is built on men who are willing to propose to women even though they're not really feeling it.

For some reason, Andi doesn't see this as a red flag and she gives Farmer Chris a rose.  And then she has one last surprise for him.  Lemme guess.  It's some band none of us have ever heard of.  Jackpot!  These two slow dance and I could be wrong-- but I think Farmer Chris is the first guy to kiss Andi?  Though, not sure if it really counts when both parties are missing half of their lips.

Cocktail ceremony time.  The most interesting thing that happened during this segment was that Andi got a huge lady boner for Chris (AKA former pro-baseball player, AKA unemployed.)  What is up with every former pro baseball player being named Chris?!  I will say these two have chemistry, but I do get the feeling that she's more into him than he is into her.  That said, she still makes out with him.  Hold up, just realized his name is Josh M.  So, scratch that whole thing about all former pro-baseball players.  Sorry (not sorry).

Craig tries to make one last ditch effort to win Andi over after his drunk antics by singing an apology song.  Oy vey.  First of all, are people really still naming their kids Craig?  Second of all, this song kind of sucks and doesn't really rhyme that well.  I give Craig an A for effort and I'm actually a little sad that he doesn't get a rose, because he would have continued to entertain us throughout the season. 

Nick (AKA bald golfer) also doesn't get a rose-- probably because he's bald and according to Andi exposed a part of himself she didn't want to see on any man during the stripping.  I'm thinking hairy butthole.  Ugh, what a humiliating way to go out.  I'm actually bummed about Nick, because compared to the other guys, he has that one very elusive quality: a personality. 

If Nick's departure wasn't bad enough, Andi gives Carl the boot.  WHAAAAAAAAAT?  He's the hottest guy on the show.  Was it the sleeve tattoos that did him in?  He looked so good in that green beanie during the group date.  And he actually rocked the super big-framed black rimmed glasses.  This is a tragedy of epic proportions.

And though there's a lot we still need to find out-- like do any of these guys have a daughter or did Andi have a "no single dad" policy?  Which guy has a girlfriend back home?  Who's not here for the right reasons?  How did Boyz II Men hit their career rock bottom by appearing on the show?-- these are my current guesses for the final four:

Josh M.
Nick V.
Tasos (Seriously, I think he could be the dark horse in the race).

I didn't include Farmer Chris, because let's be real.  Bitch is trying to get on Dancing with the Stars.  She doesn't have time to milk cows.  Am I right or am I right?

Lastly, dear readers: I need a favor.  For some reason, I'm drawing a blank when it comes to mean nicknames for Andi.  Please offer suggestions in the comments section below, y'all! 


  1. No nickname ideas but your posts are hilarious! Can't wait to see this weeks.

  2. Thanks so much! Extra long recap coming your way tomorrow!