Thursday, May 15, 2014

the bachelorette: early predictions

I can't believe it's already that time again.  Guys, I'm not sure I have it in me to write recaps again after the whole Juan Pablo debacle-- who am I kidding, I have a moral obligation to watch this show so YOU don't have to.  We already know that part of this season will be really depressing and hard to watch, because contestant Eric Hill died recently in a paragliding accident (shockingly not on the set of the show-- but I think they only make women risk their lives for love.) This is just really tragic and I can't make jokes about it.  And what's even worse is I just looked through all the photos of the men and Eric was by far the hottest. This is not a pretty bunch, folks.  However, one guy is--- wait for it-- a helicopter pilot! Suh-weet.

Anyway, below are my early picks for the final four based on photos and bios alone.  And no, I don't read Reality Steve!  No spoilers, people!
JJ: Guys, I'm sorry.  I know he seems a little dorky, but I'm a sucker for men in sweaters.  And I have a feeling once he speaks he'll be hotter.  He's actually one of the better looking men from the crop.  But what the fuck is a pantsapreneur which is what he lists as his occupation?  Does he sell pants?  I'm so confused.  Who cares, he lists Willy Wonka and Wet Hot American Summer among his favorite movies.  And his shoe size is 14.  Sup, JJ.  All in all, he's clearly way too good for Andi. 
Marquel: I WISH!  For some reason, I don't think Andi's dad Hy will approve of an interracial relationship.  That's just the kind of vibe I get from people who like to hunt and vote Republican.  Sorry, not sorry.  But Marcus is smokin' hot.  I will even forgive the silk blazer and the purple handkerchief.  Seriously, how do we start a campaign now for Marcus to be the next bachelor?  Sigh.  Sadly, we probably have a better chance of ABC resurrecting Eric Hill and making him the bachelor than even considering a black bachelor.  Perhaps Shonda Rhimes can cast him on Scandal instead.
Steven: Because every woman wants someone with a little edge.  Steven snowboards and he loves kids.  I'm not sure how I feel about the hair, but we can work with that.  He also lists Gerard Butler as his favorite actor which officially makes him dumb as rocks, but maybe he'll be charming enough to snag himself a boning in the fantasy suite.  We shall see.
Chris: Crap.  I'm so NOT attracted to this guy.  First of all, someone stole his upper lip.  Second, he has Juan Pablo eyes.  But he's also a farmer which means both him and Andi like to slaughter animals.  He also has over 4,000 likes on his Facebook photo which probably means he makes it pretty far on the show.  And I'm sure he's super into some low rate country band that will make an appearance during his one on one date with Andi.  I think Andi's dad Hy will love the crap out of this guy.

Leaving the first night---
Cody: No.  Just no.  Although if he does stick around, he will definitely do push ups while Andi sits on his back so that's something to look forward to!  Wait, the longer I look at his picture, the more I find myself strangely attracted to him.  Hmmm.  I guess the jury is still out on this one.

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