Wednesday, May 14, 2014

True Tori: episodes 3 & 4

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm still watching True Tori and I'm taking it VERY seriously.  But after watching episodes 3 & 4, there are still more questions than answers.  Like, how does Tori keep her nails so perfect when she's practically raising four kids by herself?!  It's all so confusing.  But here's what I learned about Tori & Dean this week:

The kids are to blame for EVERYTHING.  So, Dr. Wexler (more on her later) gives Tori and Dean an assignment to write letters to each other.  Dean's letter has to be an apology and Tori has to tell him how he hurt her.  Tori has major writer's block until she writes down the names of their kids and explains that everything was perfect between them until Liam was born and then they changed.  Um, so if these kids aren't going to be traumatized enough by this show-- now they're directly being blamed for the demise of their parents relationship.  Liam, allow me to introduce you to Danny Bonaduce.  He's your future.  And Stella, have you met Tatum O' Neal?

Dean is an INCREDIBLE actor.  OMG.  How hot was that near nervous breakdown during the therapy session when Tori "found" her voice and told him she and the kids were at a Christmas event when he was boning another woman?  I wonder how many years of acting classes it took for him to get his pinky to twitch like that.  Why is he not in every David O. Russell movie?  He's like ten times the actor Bradley Cooper will ever be (I'm kind of being serious). 

Is Dr. Wexler real?  Okay, I just Googled her and she is real, but the producers could have created a fake website just to make us think she's real.  The conspiracy theories thicken!  I mean, Wexler is the last name I give to pretty much every fictional character I write, so.... I guess that decides it.  She's not real.

Dean gets the angriest at Tori when she tells him that the orange sauce he made for the kids wings is too watered down.  Apparently, Dean is a chef (say what?) and Tori has just humiliated him in front of the entire nation by insulting his sauce.  First of all, I'm pretty sure most chefs would come up with a better name than "orange sauce" AND your kids are eating wings from Domino's pizza.  That right there takes away your legitimacy and this is coming from the girl who has a Domino's app on her phone.  Oh, and also YOU FUCKED ANOTHER WOMAN WHILE YOUR KIDS WERE AT A CHRISTMAS PAGEANT.

The biggest drama in episode four is when Dean's show Chopped Canada (which he hosts and does not cook food on) gets picked up for a second season.  Dean doesn't know what to do.  This will mean living in Toronto for two and a half months which is the place he cheated on his wife.  He calls his friend Wolfie to discuss.  And Wolfie is clearly auditioning to be the next Iylana  because he goes super motivational speaker on Dean.  If anyone from Sirius radio was watching, I'm pretty sure they offered him his own show called Dr. Wolfie.

Tori gets super pissed that Dean is even considering going back to Canada.  She says, and I quote "I have to work full time and take care of the kids!" (let the mommy wars begin...!) So Dean decides it's due time for him to make nice with his wife.  Naturally, he goes straight to the nearest pet store and buys two bearded dragons for the kids.  AND...it freaking works!  Tori's like so nice to him for buying lizards.  The fuck.  Then later, he makes her a sushi dinner and gives her some ugly map of all the places they've been together that have meaning for them, blah blah.  And Tori breaks down into tears and tells him he broke her heart and humiliated her in front of the whole world (and this is all after she had just de-stressed during a reiki* session).  I'm so confused.  If my husband made me a sushi dinner after cheating on me, I'd be like "babe, you can cheat on me all the time.  This yellowtail is out of this world!"

Is the entire camera crew/producers licensed therapists?  I am obsessed with the fact that Tori and Dean confide all their problems for them and then ask them for advice.  Tori to producer: tell Dean that it bothers me that he wants to do Chopped Canada.  Dean to producer: tell Tori that it's important to me to have my own career.  I really hope these guys are getting paid extra for this.

 How can I steal Mehran away from Tori and make him my best friend?  Why is he not on Shahs of Sunset yet? 

I had an epiphany during this episode.  We know Dean's career is really important to him, etc etc.  Guys, it must KILL him that this show is called "True Tori."  I bet he fought and begged for them to add "& Dean" to the title.

Finally, Tori & Dean really take the song "Blame Canada" to a whole new level. Toronto might as well be the Gaza strip for these two.  Between their kids and the Canucks, they are completely blameless for the shit show that is their marriage.

And that is all.  Until next week when Tori gets hospitalized and Dean tries to make the show all about him again.

*I need to try Reiki immediately.

1 comment:

  1. This is so silly. Check Dean's Twitter feed. He was with Tori and the kids during Xmas. And on New Year's. The show is a scripted soap opera. But it is true that these two are far better actors than I ever imagined. Weirdly impressive.

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