Monday, May 5, 2014

why didn't you tell me you were dating someone?!

Okay, here's a dating and your ex have remained friends post break-up.  Generally, you don't broach the topic of dating other people.  BUT now you've started getting serious with someone else.  Do you have a responsibility to let them know?

I tend to lean towards HELL TO THE YES.  I've dated guys in the past who I've stayed friends with (all while secretly hoping maybe one day we'd get back together).  It may not have been the type of friendship where we talked or saw each other all the time, but there was definitely a steady stream of "how have you been" phone calls, texts, or emails. And each time, when they never mentioned dating someone else, I wrongly assumed they were still single.  And that assumption gave me false hope.  I still haven't found anyone, they still haven't found anyone--- clearly, we're meant to be together.  Eventually, I would discover I was only half right.  I still hadn't found anyone...they'd found the love of their life.  They were just too scared to mention it.

The reason was always the same.  They were either terrified the truth would hurt me or felt that it would be too random and presumptuous for them to even mention it.  Here's my response to that argument.  #1 Your exes are not as fragile as you may think.  Sure, if they've threatened to take their own life in the past or called you in the throes of a nervous breakdown-- it's a valid concern that they could fall to pieces if they learn you're dating someone new.  But if they've never shown signs of mental instability, they'll probably be able to handle it.  #2 There's always a casual way to mention dating someone new that won't make it seem random or presumptuous.  The best way to do it is to slip it into an email, so the person isn't caught off guard and doesn't have to put on a happy face in front of you.

But there's also another reason we choose to omit our dating statuses that none of us like to cop to.  Telling someone you've moved on will only motivate them to move on.  And deep down, we all want our exes to continue pining for us just in case things don't pan out with our new person.

I say we make a pact to suck it up and put a stop to this.  So what if you hurt your exes feelings?  So what if they make you feel stupid for mentioning your relationship status in the first place?  If there's any chance they still have feelings for you, then you need to give them a heads up once you're regularly getting naked with someone else.  It's only fair that they stop spending their evenings longing for you and start spending their evenings getting their ass tapped. 


  1. We agreed the timing was wrong, but my ex didn't tell me there was someone else, until a couple of months after, and I still wanted to negotiate a friendship. We were best friends for 10 years... and I still write.