Thursday, May 29, 2014

Why I'm BLOWING OFF Beards

Imagine: Friday night circa 2014. You're out with your girls, scoping for dudes, because apparently the only difference between you at 15 and 25 is a decade and your cup size. You've ventured into, yet another, New-American gastro pub where everything is aglow with the flicker of tea lights in mason jars — making it nearly impossible to identify one plaid from the next. Now comes the part where you and the wolf pack call dibs, and your friend yell-whispers, "I like the one with the beard." You look around and wonder, "which one?"

Yes, beards are everywhere. Us ladies just can't get enough! However, after nearly 3 years of trolling LA's finest face rugs, I've come to a very important decision: due to their bogus attempts to convey manliness, I am done with "men" and their facial hair.

The attraction to beards is primal. Everyone's going Paleo with their meals, so why not their mates? Yet, the difference between cave men, and these "modern" guys you see sipping their IPA's is huge. Dudes today are lazy. Due to porn and video games, the only thing they're using their hands for are controllers and reaching for the tissue box, which means a razor is out of the question. Yet, the men of the past were straight up, too busy providing food and shelter to bother with the frivolity of grooming — the only thing your beard crush did today was work on his screenplay/mobile app and then ask his Mom for another rent check.

Think about the Brawny Man, or Pa Ingalls: sweaty, bearded, muscular from all that wood chopping. He could spend the day butchering an animal to feed your family through the Winter, then come into the cabin, throw you over the bed frame (that he'd whittled himself), and go at you hard enough to produce an orgasm and baby number 6. His hands are strong and rough, and not from XBox/jacking off, but from real, manual labor! And, they can fix things, besides a sandwich. We're talking roofs, fences, covered wagons — you name it!

What once was an indicator of capability and craftsmanship, is now just a mask for the lackadaisical and the socially impaired. Boys are hiding behind their beards and claiming to be men — it's practically sacrilege. Not to mention, I've spent loads of time and money ridding my body of every hair follicle, only to throw myself at the next ding-dong with pubes coming out of his face? Enough is enough! I'm going back to my roots (hair pun intended): the clean shaven look of the boy band era. A man that takes time to shave, must take time to raise a family, right? And they probably have stable, corporate jobs that frown upon stubble and the arts.

So, this is where I stand. Any dude that wants to keep his beard can, but only if my vag hair can be maintained at equal length. That's right, bush for bush, as nature intended. Because frankly, I've got one pussy in my life, and that's plenty.


  1. Maybe just start dating fewer lazy and socially impaired men (without or with beards)? And who told you to rid your body hair of every follicle?

  2. i love this post! My man has a beard but I totally get what you're saying.

    Also - I saw a trailer for this week's True Life and this woman is pissed because her husband is too obsessed with his own beard...

  3. What about a crisp five o'clock shadow?