Monday, June 9, 2014

ghosting & the BLOW OFF

Editor's Note: So, I can't believe the BLOW OFF has been around for 4+ years and I've never heard of the term "ghosting" until now.  This heinous act of cowardice is basically what happens when you don't hear from the person you've been dating ever again.  I always just referred to it as the disappearing act, but I'm into this new phrase for a dating tactic that's probably been around since the stone age.  One of our loyal readers sent us an email last week asking for some advice after being a victim of ghosting.  Read her story below and offer some words of wisdom in the comments section. 

I was in an on off relationship for 2 years when I finally decided to break it off.  Naturally, I was quite grief stricken, crying for weeks so I went to stay with my aunt in England to take my mind off things and my ex. Surprisingly I started to text with an old crush of mine, which also helped. When I got back from the UK, we ran into each other on a night out. We had fun and the chemistry was there, so we started seeing each other.

It was perfect. He completely took my mind off my ex. He was not only astonishingly good looking and sexy, he was funny, we had loads of fun together and he was very sweet to me.  You know, good morning and good night texts, fun dates.. And things remained the same even after I slept with him, which was pretty surprising because he was rumoured to be a heartbreaker.

And yeah the sex was amazing. Mind blowing. I couldn't believe how lucky I was and soon enough I started to develop feelings for him. I kept telling myself that he was only a distraction, that it wasn't going to get serious anyway, so I might as well go along with whatever it is we were doing and not expect anything. But then after one night out, when I took him home and he was really drunk, he told me that he could be in a relationship, he just wanted to take things slow and be sure he wanted a relationship before he fully committed to me. And he also told me that he'd always be honest with me. Being the idiot that I am, I believed him and was also honest about the way I felt and how I really thought things were going well.

A week later, he went on holiday with his family for two weeks and instead of disappearing on me, he'd write me every day, send me pictures and keep me updated on how things were going, basically always keeping in touch. This made me even more sure that he genuinely cared about me and as you could imagine I was ecstatic. Two days before he came back, it was my turn to leave, but this time things were different. He didn't write as much but then I thought-- he's probably really stressed at work and simply doesn't have the time.

Then one evening while we were talking about a jumper he'd like, he sent me a screenshot. What he probably didn't notice is that he'd just received a message from some girl on the dating site he was logged on to. Ouch. What surprised me even more is my reaction. I was so mad! I could've hit him if he were in front of me.  I then told him to take better care when sending screenshots and his answer was: it's my only way to meet new people, with me working so much I don't have time for that ( He works out of town and is only home for weekends).  Well, I just stopped talking to him because I did not know how to respond to that stupid, lame ass excuse. He did write me to apologise, etc. but it just wouldn't do.

I was hurt, because he gave me the impression that he was only seeing and sleeping with me. So you can imagine that I felt really stupid. Anyhow, when I got back he wanted to see me and give me my present he got me from his holiday. I grudgingly agreed to meet him, determined to be mad at him, but when I saw him again after four weeks, I just couldn't stay angry. We exchanged gifts and I didn't even mention the whole incident. We then ended up in bed and I stayed the night and the next and on monday he went to work and I went home. After that weekend he was really weird the whole week. Not responding to my texts or only responding hours later. Again, I pinned it to stress at work and thought nothing of it.  Until I woke up on saturday morning, seeing a text from him at 4 AM, asking if I was awake. He sent me a booty call text, after three months of dating, after not being interested for a week. A freaking booty call text. I was livid and I told him so. I asked him if he had any idea how that made me feel and asked what had gotten into him.  This wasn't the sweet caring guy he usually was.

He responded very rudely and said he did not have time for a relationship at the moment (I never mentioned a relationship). I then told him that just because we weren't together, it did not mean I would be his booty call, which I had made clear from the beginning. He then wrote a short "I'm sorry" and I thought that was that. No call, no explanation just a "Sorry". We didn't speak for a week after that and I was just in a bout of melancholy-icecreameating-wallowy-bridgetjoneswatching mood on a sunday evening when I suddenly got a text from him asking if I was still mad at him. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry but I agreed to see him so we could talk. And we did. And again he said he was sorry for being an ass and BLOWING me OFF, etc. and even though I was still mad, he made me laugh and was really sweet…

By that time it was getting late so he asked if I wanted to stay the night, so I said yes. We then started watching a movie and he started his usual, sensual assault, kissing me like there was no tomorrow. I told him that I did not want to sleep with him because I was still mad. Then we talked again and he assured m that he didn't only want me for sex blablabla. Again silly me, I fell for him and his devil penis magic and ended up doing it again (Note: this was a day before my birthday).  Next day I stayed at his place, we hung out and ate, but something was off. I couldn't quite place it, but the conversation wasn't flowing like usual, and he felt kind of distant.

Fast forward to present day (three weeks later).   We don't speak anymore, he never writes or calls, won't respond when I ask him if he wants to hang out… So I'm guessing for his part it's over.  But I just don't see how you can be such a sleazy piece of ass and just cut out someone you've been seeing for more than 4 weeks. How? And what do I do? Do I confront him to get some kind of closure? Or do I just leave it and pretend like the whole situation isn't hurting not only my feelings but also my pride.. Need serious advice here.. Oh and another thing? It's his birthday on wednesday. Do I text him happy birthday? Or do I just leave that be too?

 A Girl completely BLOWN OFF


  1. Even though it will be incredibly hard, ignore him, respect yourself, and move on. Men, and women for that matter, tend to do the disappearing act once they notice the sex-friend, friend, boyfriend etc. becoming needy. Absolutely do not contact him, and more likely than not, he will be the one texting you or calling at some point in the future. He sounds like a disrespectful and selfish asshole so think about it long and hard before giving him the time of day!

  2. I have no sound advice for you, this has happened to me MULTIPLE times in my life, even by people that I've known for YEARS. But once they fall off the face of the earth, so do I.

  3. When I have asked my guy friends for dating advice they have told me that sometimes guys just text/hang out out of boredom until something better/what they think they are looking for comes along. It seems he may have been doing that if he was still on dating websites while ya'll were talking. I say ignore him and don't give him the time of day on his birthday. Luckily he did help take your mind off your ex for awhile.

  4. You're really young, aren't you? 5 years from now you'll know how to spot these men sooner. You'll know how to spot the men who really mean the kind things they say versus the men who say nice things to get an ego stroke or sex, or to cure boredom.

    You aren't going to get a serious relationship out of this man. The cycle will merely continue. Move somewhere, immerse yourself in something else, stay incredibly busy. That's all you can do. Let time pass. This man will NEVER be happy with any sort of balanced relationship. It will always be too little or too much (a disappearing act or sexual advances that fizzle after two days, etc.) Do you want to be caught in his have-sex-for-two-days-and-then-disappear-for-two-weeks bullshit forever?

    When dealing with people who date online you are selecting for 1.) people who have access to/talk to a lot of other people 2.) people who can probably find a decent number of people to have sex with them.

    He is giving you 1.) mixed signals 2.) being hot and cold. This means he has other women in his life and isn't that in to you. Don't take this personally - he does it to EVERYONE. No one will make him settle down. He'll either get old and realize he's alone in his 40's, or he'll have some sort of crisis and marry the nearest dipshit and cheat on her whenever he gets the chance.

    Three very similar phrases every woman should know and internalize. 1.) CUT AND RUN 2.) cut your losses 3.) cut your bait and fish elsewhere

    Literally - think of it like money. You blew 5K. So what are you going to do? Wallow around and blow 5K more? Or stop wasting money? Or better yet, go out and earn some more? CUT AND RUN, sister!

    P.S. Sex, oxytocin, makes people attached. I actually think the Christians got it right with the "no-sex-before-marriage" thing. It's less sloppy and has fewer emotional consequences. I had a huge 6 month crush, never slept with the guy. Got over him in 2 days. Had I slept with him it would have been more like AT LEAST 10 months to get over him.

    1. Excellent reply!!!!

    2. Age has nothing to do with it. I am 45 and in the process of a divorce of a 24 yr marriage. I have been over my spouse for 2 yrs so when a man at work began pursuing me for friendship 8 months ago, I thought nothing of it. Once I filed officially for divorce he let me know he had been interested in me for 3 yrs, but knew I was married. We then began a heavy flirtation with texing and calls and lunches. I went to his home on 3 occasions, met his kids and a few friends. And we slept together 5 times. The last time was 4 weeks ago. Since then he has been distant and can't seem to make time for me at all. This is the first relationship I have encountered since I was 18 and he knew that. We had lunch 2 weeks ago and I told him he needed to make more time for us. He told me his bf is going through a divorce and he needs to help him. When I told him we needed to stop seeing each other he told me he was not interested in anyone but me and he would try harder. It lasted just over a week. So I am trying to decide if I make a lunch date with him in order to get closure. I feel used, cheap and played and I am a smart, beautiful and intelligent woman, who never saw this coming.