Wednesday, June 4, 2014

He's Not in Love & the BLOW OFF

As a girl, one of my biggest fears was falling in love with a guy and having him tell me I’m not the one or that he doesn’t feel the same. Well, my biggest fear came true.

Since I’ve written about him a few times, I’ll just give you the major plot points. I had a crush on him in college, we reconnected years later and began a two year relationship that I will now refer to as the D-bacle (his name begins with the letter D). It started off well, but of course things are always good in the beginning. We talked most days, saw each other most weekends and there was even a romantical and sexy trip to Vegas. It felt like there was really hope for something.

I should tell you that it wasn’t love at first sight. I didn’t realize I actually loved him until we ended things. That whole “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” thing really proved true for me. Prior to D, I was the queen of excuses. I could always find reasons why relationships would never work. In fact, I often chose relationships that I KNEW would never work so I wouldn’t get hurt. It took me a while to admit to myself that I had fallen in love with D, but once I did, I went all in and never looked back. Unfortunately.

We did come back together, but it was never the same. The magic of our first few months together were forever gone, but I forged ahead anyway desperately clinging to any moments that seemed hopeful. He was never an outright ass because it’s just not in his nature to be. Which is one of the things I loved about him. He’s simply nice to everyone. Still, his passive aggressive, non-confrontational nature ultimately didn’t do me any favors. Sure, he did the absolute bare minimum to keep me around, but love has a way of making even the smallest gestures seem like enough.

I made the excuses that all girls make. He’s stressed at work, I made mistakes the first time around, he doesn’t mix friends (that was my favorite excuse for why he rarely invited me to things). There were many stops and starts. I can’t even tell you how many tears I’ve wasted on this D-bag. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t think I deserved more. I’ve always known that I do. I was just so scared that I would never feel this away again. I never got sick of him. I liked watching weird movies with him (he had a talent for picking obscure movies for us to watch) more than I liked doing most things with most people. In any given day there would be like 5 things I wanted to tell him. And then there was our spark. We were always touching and the sex had truly reached 50 Shades status. It’s hard to find that kind of chemistry with someone you actually really enjoy spending time with. At least in my experience.

Still, I finally mustered up the strength to walk away and I actually did. For a couple months there was no contact and while I missed him, I was finally starting to breathe a little. Of course, that’s when they always come back. I’m embarrassed at how little it took for him to reel me back in (a couple of texts), but I honestly believed that there was a reason why we kept coming back to each other. There had to be a reason. Deep down, I knew that we were on borrowed time. I just wasn’t ready to let go and hoped that maybe if I continued to date and live my life, something would happen to finally make me ready to be done. Oh, who I am kidding-- I hoped he would come to his senses.

The past couple months with him were actually the best they’d been in a while. Perhaps because I had nothing to lose, I was finally able to communicate more openly and honestly. There was no more walking on eggshells, no more trying to be what I thought he wanted. I simply enjoyed our time together because what else can ya do?

We finally had our first real conversation about us in person (in 2 years every major convo had been done through email or text. Communicating about the tough stuff was not our forte even though it’s so important). I asked him why it was so hard to make me a real part of his life. He said it was because he wasn’t in love. I guess to some extent, I always knew this. If he really loved me (at least in the way a person should be loved) he wouldn’t have treated me so cavalierly.  I wouldn’t constantly be feeling anxious and insecure. Still, hearing those words out loud felt like he dropped a hatchet on my heart. He then proceeded to tell me this was somewhat of a pattern for him. He would get in long term situations with girls, but he wouldn’t fall in love and “love is so hard to find.” I wanted to shout, it’s right in front of you assclown, but that obviously wouldn’t have changed anything.

I will probably never understand what was missing for him. He may not even understand himself. After all, I was the poof in the relationship. I’ll never understand how someone who claimed to care about me, could keep me around knowing how I felt and that he didn’t feel the same way. Seriously, how do guys do this? This isn’t rhetorical, feel free to answer.

I spent the past couple of days listening to this song non-stop, crying, and watching Melrose Place which always makes me feel more stable and then I realized that I’m finally free. I’m free of a relationship that was never going to be what I wanted. Free from a person who was never the great guy I thought he was (a great guy would not take advantage of your feelings and keep you around because it feels good for him). A selfish guy who has spent the past decade with girls he chose to keep at a distance and only want part of, not all of. Love is hard to find, but you have to be open to it. You have to work at it and you have to have realistic expectations. I learned all of those lessons from him so at least there’s that. I’m happy to report that I’ve blocked him from communicating with me in any way and I’m finally ready for someone so much better. The biggest BLOW OFF all is probably the best thing that could have happened. 

7 comments:

  1. The entire last paragraph. Yes, yes, and yes. I need to print that part out and keep it on my mirror as a reminder.

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    1. It's super hard, but we can do it! It's nice to finally feel like I have some control and I'm finally done worrying about him and taking care of myself. He certainly wasn't taking care of me!

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  2. Love this post! I think sometimes the worst thing you hear from someone is really the best thing. As difficult as it was to absorb, I know it'll lead to much happier things in the future!

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  3. My boyfriend told me repeatedly for the first 2 years of our relationship he didn't love me. I ended our relationship. He only made it a couple months before completely falling apart. Our relationship b has been amazing since then. However he was terrified of being happy so he sabotaged himself over and over trying to ruin our relationship. However I'm a stubborn woman and it didn't work. We've been together like 6 years now.

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    1. Oh wow, well good for you for ending it but I'm glad he realized what he had in you. My D-bacle clearly has some things to work through, but I'm def trying to move on. So glad things worked out well for you!

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  4. Like like like like!

    Oh I am glad that I'm not alone! For me, it was him telling me he loved me when we first got together and now saying that he doesn't ever see us again. I was the one with unrealistic expectations at first and I always feel guilty for not going with it the first time when I really was in love with him but if he really loved me, then wouldn't treat me like this, he won't be a nonchalant ass. I for one believe he is making a huge mistake and that we could be amazing together if we really tried. But it takes two, and it sucks and my heart feels like it got frozen when he told me he just wants to be friends but love is out there and I hope we'll all find someone who loves us back in the end

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  5. i just read your post and it sounds like we dated the same guy not literally, but my experience is like yours. In the end I walked away, he would share and confide in me and be emotionally available but I felt I was outside. He said he is not ready to get married. I wished him luck and gave him the freedom to find what he is looking for. Hard but so is Insanity and I have accomplished that

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