Wednesday, June 11, 2014

taking it sloooooow & the BLOW OFF

Last week, we received this email asking us for a little dating advice from our loyal reader J.

Have you guys done a post before on how to take it slow? I just read today's post and Sammi's comment said: "I think the best thing to do is go slow, really get to know someone and be very aware of red flags. So many guys these days are just dicks in nice guy clothing". I totally agree with that BUT I find it hard to do these days.  I think it is hard with today's technology, you want to take it slow but then you text every day.  I met a guy about two weeks ago and we both said we like to get to know someone, but I get a good morning text everyday (I'm not complaining and we aren't exclusive so I kind of wonder if he is sending other girls good morning texts too!) but I feel like it is setting up an expectation/attachment. I am also very proud of myself for not sleeping with him on the first date, but I feel like as two consenting adults, if we want to sleep with each other we should be able to... but how soon do you wait for it to still be "taking it slow"? Lots of thoughts, sorry! I love your blog and thought I would ask ya'lls opinion!

Okay, first off-- thanks for the email and for loving our blog J.  This is a really good question and while I don't know that there's one answer on the "taking it slow" dilemma, here are a few thoughts.

Too often, it seems like women allow men to set the pace of the relationship.  If a guy wants to see us everyday, is texting us all the time, wants to introduce us to all their friends after two weeks- we're like: LET'S DO THIS.  And then, if they freak out and disappear-- we're left wondering where we went wrong.  Well, probably nowhere-- but I do think we need to feel a little more empowered about setting our own pace for relationships.

It's not an easy thing to accomplish.  I would say-- and this deserves its own blog post-- that a woman's biggest fear in a guy is inconsistency.  And if a guy consistently wants to see us, we worry that if we slow things down, that consistency will go away.  But I would wager that most guys like a woman who seems to have other things going on in their life than just wanting to hang out with them all the time.  So, the first step in taking it slow is not jumping on the bandwagon of whatever tone or pace the man tries to set in a relationship.

And then, don't change your current life too much for someone new.  That means if there's a class at the gym you love to take on Thursday nights or if you always get together with your girlfriends on Saturday nights, then don't throw all of that out the window to accomodate a dude.  And DON'T see him everyday.  In the early "getting to know you" stages of a relationship, two to three dates/week is perfectly acceptable.  Plus, here's what else men do that we generally don't-- they date multiple people at a time.  If you hang out with him a few times a week, then you have time to go on dates with other people.

If a guy sends you good morning texts everyday, that's sweet-- but you're not obligated to respond all the time.  Especially if you suspect he's sending the text to multiple women on the roto.

Now for the "sex" part of the question.  Okay, this is hard.  I personally don't believe that a guy will stop seeing a woman purely because she gives it up too early.  I say, do what you want.  If you feel like having sex, then don't deprive yourself of it because you're worried that you'll get too attached or you're moving the relationship too quickly.  A lot of us are getting married later in life--  the notion of a woman in her thirties forcing herself to wait a month or two before sleeping with a guy seems unnecessary.  I know sex can make you feel more attached to a person, but I would say the constant contact/texting/spending every night together, makes you more attached.

Just remember, taking it slow is hard-- but just because he's taking it fast doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

1 comment:

  1. Since my comment was mentioned (I love when that happens) I will say that twice in my dating life I did in fact wait a month to have sex with guys I was dating (no easy task) and it proved to be worth it! Not only did both guys stay around, I kind of fooled them into getting somewhat emotionally attached. I'm certainly not telling anyone to wait a month! I'm just saying that dating and talking consistently, allowing yourself to feel like you actually know someone before taking the full plunge (physically and emotionally) can never hurt. I COMPLETELY agree with Sara to keep your own life and try to set the pace as much as YOU can (even though i know you want to see him all the time, I get it!) I think its sooo easy to meet a guy, have an amazing connection and instantly feel things and jump in with both feet. It's that initial amazing feeling that in my opinion, causes girls to hold on even when things start go downhill. I'd say get to know him for who he really is and try to see him for who he really is as much as you can before investing too much of yourself.