Tuesday, June 3, 2014

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episodes 3 & 4

RIP Eric Hill
Apparently, the lovely peeps in the scheduling department at ABC thought this week that one episode of The Bachelorette wasn't enough and aired back to back episodes on Sunday and Monday night.  What is wrong with these people?  FOUR HOURS OF THE BACHELORETTE?  #1 Don't they know how hard it is to stomach three minutes of this show?  #2 Sunday belongs to HBO #3 I hate Andi.

Seriously though, despite the fact that most of these guys are as interesting as the pet rock I had in third grade-- I'd much rather see a show about the dudes living in the Bachelor mansion.  Why haven't they at least done a spin off web series where we get to watch what goes on in the house?  It could be like Animal House meets Grey Gardens.  I'll tell you why.  Cause when the men are off camera, they don't discuss love, fairytales, Andi, or starting a life with someone.  And also because then Andrew and Patrick wouldn't be able to hide the fact that they are straight up doing it.

Anyway, we have two episodes to cover.  I will try to keep it short.  Episode three kicks off with Arrogant Andi (thanks T for the nickname) hanging out at Bacara in Santa Barbara.  Crap.  I love this place.  This means next time I go, I'm going to have to pack a suitcase full of disinfectant with me.  I'm not going to accidentally use a toilet that she used during her stay.  I could catch AIDS.  That stands for "Andi Is a Dumb Slut" disease.

Slick Nick gets the first one on one date.  And I literally have no memory of what they did together.  Zero.  Allow me to refer to my notes.  Oh, okay.  They went on a hike.  Sadly, no one falls.  I'm not exactly sure why Andi is into Nick.  He kind of reminds me of the aloof guy who turns out to be a serial killer in every 80s horror movie.  Like, when he takes off his shirt, we might be stunned to see that his body is covered with burn scars.  Annoying Andi is super excited because Nick has a crush on her.  A crush?  What are we in fourth grade?  What's next?  Are they going to go to the basement of the bachelor mansion and play seven minutes in heaven?

Anyway, nothing exciting happens on this date.  During the nighttime portion, they eat dinner at a courthouse and Nick has his jacket collar popped-- only proving my 80s movie theory.  I'm not sure if he thinks he's Kirk Cameron or if he just thinks the popped collar will distract us from his obscenely large ears.  Slick Nick reveals that like Farmer Chris, he too was engaged to a girl, then dumped her pretty quickly.  Strangely enough, Andi does not treat this as a red flag.  Ladies, if a man you were dating said he'd been engaged before, wouldn't you be a little bummed out about it?  Nick then explains that love is knowing you can find someone else, but not wanting to.  Um, that's so fucked up.  He's basically saying love is when you're too lazy to date.  He gets a rose, they kiss, and then I'm not really sure what happens because I projectile vomit all over the TV screen and have to clean it up.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Marcus gets really upset that he's on the group date-- which means he won't get a one on one date.  In a related story, I realize that if every penis came with a face, they would all look like Marcus.

On the group date, the men learn they are going to perform at a concert with Boyz II Men.  And when I say concert, I mean they'll be performing in a tiny courtyard in a shopping center in downtown Santa Barbara.  The saddest part of this date isn't how shitty these guys are at singing or the fact that the opera singer totally butchers I'll Make Love to You-- it's the fact that Boyz II Men are on The Bachelorette.  And they don't even sound that good either.  I really hope their loved ones have them on suicide watch.  You can tell the whole time they are deeply ashamed of the fact that they are on the show.  Their hot bass singer is lucky he left the band.  Personally, I think they should hire Marquel to join the band.  It doesn't matter that he can't sing, he's super hot and he said he wants to "serenade the fuck out of Andi." Marquel baby, you can serenade the fuck out of me anytime. 

The cocktail portion of the group date, like this entire season so far, is ridiculously uneventful.  Andi proves that she's no different than any other bachelorette by wearing hot pink.  She then pretends she has a personality by playing a joke on Trainer Cody and telling him some of the dudes have told her that he has a girlfriend.  Cody's first reaction: WTF.  I'm a proud homosexual.  I don't have a girlfriend!  Seriously though, Cody is weirdly growing on me and I may or may not have had an inappropriate dream about him the other night.

Currently unemployed former pro-baseball player (AKA Josh) gets the group date rose after sticking his tongue down Andi's throat and moaning and groaning the whole time.  I think it's safe to say these two plan to fuck each other's brains out doggy-style in the fantasy suite.  Penis face (Marcus) gets bummed about Josh getting the group date rose and says something about how what the other guys have with Andi is nowhere near what he has.  Um. Settle down.  You've had three conversations with the girl.

JJ (AKA hot Bob Saget) gets the next one on one date.  He says that he hasn't seen any flaws in Andi.  Really?  Here's a few: she says y'all way too much. She's boring.  And she hunts deer (Strangely, the photo of her posing with a dead deer is nowhere to be found on the internet anymore.  Can anyone find it?)

In what should go down in history as the strangest/dumbest one on one date, Andi and Bob Saget are made over to look like an elderly couple.  And even though they're obviously in make up, they decide to go to a park and try to fool people into thinking they're really old.  Everything about this date is awkward and terrible, down to their old people voices.  Andi's clearly trying to show off her acting chops, but she ends up sounding like Marge Simpson.  This whole thing makes me feel like mimicking the elderly needs to be considered a form of discrimination.  JJ and Andi keep saying how this gives them a glimpse of what life could be like together in fifty years.  WHAT?  That is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard.  If ABC really wanted to show them what life would be like in 50 years, then they should have made JJ wear a diaper, shit himself, and then taped Andi as she scrubbed poop off of him in a bathtub.  If this date wasn't bad enough, we then have to watch them make out in a tire swing.  Ewwww. I hate watching old people kiss.

During the dinner portion of their date, JJ admits that he's always been kind of a weirdo and had to change schools because of it and Andi tells him that's what she finds attractive about him.  Um, can we all take a moment to acknowledge that it's actually super arrogant to go on and on about how "different" and "unique" you are from other people.  Yes, JJ.  You are unique and different if unique and different means having no problem going on a shitty ass reality TV show to promote your super ugly pants. JJ gets a rose, but sadly for him, we still haven't gotten a proper plug for his pants.

Oh shit, I almost forgot.  Back at the house, racially ambiguous Ron leaves the show because his friend died.  ABC gives this about thirty seconds of air time and we don't even get to see Chris Harrison break the news to Andi-- because let's be real here, people-- she's not going to end up with a minority.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this whole dead friend thing is just some elaborate way for ABC to pretend they are not racist since there was a 99.9% chance Ron would not have gotten a rose anyway.  It's all up to you, Marquel. You can do this!

In a shady move at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Hot Bob Saget and Unemployed Baseball player decide they are going to expose Andrew for not being here for the right reasons.  Side note, every time anyone on this show says right reasons-- this song immediately gets stuck in my head:
Basically, the producers are scrambling because there's no drama on the show and they need to stir up a little fake controversy.  Apparently, when all the men went out to dinner Andrew got some girl's number and then bragged about it to the guys.  Andrew claims the girl gave him her number unsolicited.  Whatever.  It doesn't matter.  Andrew says he thought the guys were all in this together (i.e. they all talk about other chicks), but the competition has turned on him.  I feel for Andrew.  I think the whole phone number thing was a plan he orchestrated to make the guys think he isn't gay for Patrick.  Which is exactly why Patrick wipes the sweat off of his brow during this whole ordeal, because he doesn't want the love of his life to be kicked out of the house.  Marriage equality!

Finally, if our hearts didn't already hurt like crazy for the late Eric Hill, we have to watch him get one upped by Slick Nick who sends Andi a flower arrangement while she and Eric are getting some alone time.  Um, bet he feels like a real dick for doing that now.

As the rose ceremony comes to an end, there's one rose left and Andrew, Brett (the hairdresser with the hipster mullet), and opera singer have not yet received one.  So, here's how we know this show is super staged.  You can't tell me it was a complete coincidence that Andi decided to give Andrew the last rose.  Clearly, the producers told her that he's currently controversial and in order to build suspense in an otherwise lame ass episode, he doesn't get a rose till the very end.  You can't fool me, ABC.  I'm like Carrie fucking Homeland.  I've got a whole wall in my office covered in Bachelorette conspiracy theories.  Anyway: onto episode four...

This shit got so heavy by the end that I really think I need to breeze through the first ninety minutes. Dylan (AKA Ed Burns meets Kyle Chandler meets Scott Speedman) gets the one on one date after slyly letting the producers know last week that he's got a sob story he's saving for when he has alone time with Arrogant Andi.  They spend their entire day on a train in New England and during dinner, Dylan tells the heart-wrenching story of how his brother and sister both died from drug overdoses.  His brother died just months before they filmed the show.  I'm actually a little surprised that Andi sheds real tears when she hears the story, because up until this point, I was certain she had a heart of stone.  Dylan gets a rose, but Andi assures him it's "not a pity rose."

For the group date portion of the episode, the men arrive at a basketball court where they're greeted by Andi and players from the WNBA.  The ladies (why was Andi on the court at all?) play against the dudes and kick their asses.  In a sexist move by ABC, we're all supposed to be shocked that the men lost badly to a bunch of women-- who are PRO BASKETBALL PLAYERS.

In a shocking twist that's never occurred on any group date in the history of time-- the men are divided into two teams for a game of B-ball and the losers will forfeit more time with Andi and will have to go back to the hotel.  The red team has the bigger advantage because they have a high school basketball coach on their team.  They win and the white team reacts as though they've just lost the NBA championship game.  For once, I'd love it if one of the guys admitted he was psyched to go straight back to the hotel to put on his comfys and watch The Tonight Show.

Coach Brian's stock goes up on this date when he makes a basket from half-court, but panics and doesn't kiss Andi.  The most important part of this group date is when Eric and Andi have some alone time and she tells him their relationship feels stalled.  I'm in full on panic mode, because I think she's about to dump him, but Eric saves the moment by opening up about the fact that he left the Mormon religion he was raised in.  Um, just when I think I can't love this guy more...

But here's the thing you guys-- I realize that Eric isn't the most goofy or animated of the bunch, but I know exactly what Andi means when she says their relationship feels stalled.  Eric has not fawned all over her like the rest of the dudes.  He hasn't told her he has a crush on her or that she's different than any other woman he's met or that she has no flaws.  And why should he?  They've had one date and a handful of conversations.

Brian gets the group date rose which immediately makes Marquel the most under appreciated contestant of the season. 

Penis-faced Marcus gets the next one on one date and for once, I'm glad to see the show is forcing a guy to do something life threatening and dangerous.  Marcus and Andi learn they are going to scale a building on their date.  Do these guys not get any advice on wardrobe before their dates?  Marcus is wearing a pea coat and a scarf on this date when I'm sure he had a ton of Lululemon gear just gathering dust in his suitcase.  Marcus claims he's terrified of heights, but he's as cool as Barack Obama on this date so I'm not sure what he's talking about.  Spoiler alert: scaling the building will not be the first time Andi loses her shit on this episode.

During the nighttime portion of their date, Marcus hides the rose because it makes him too nervous-- even though we all know for some reason he's got this in the bag.  After giving him the rose, Andi whisks him away into some casino where a bunch of girls are dancing around and some terrible country band that's apparently Marcus's favorite is playing.  Seriously, I don't care if I was dating Ryan Gosling-- if this was his favorite band, I'd look him straight in the eye and I'd say: DEAL BREAKER.

They make out, Andi makes a bunch of faces like the one below, and Marcus whispers in her ear that he's falling in love with her.  Idiot.
Time for the cocktail party. Shit is about to get crazy, you guys.  The late great Eric Hill takes Andi aside to address what she told him on the group date.  And in what I personally would consider very hot, he calls her out on her bullshit.  He basically says, I've been very open (um, reminder: their first date, he told her about nearly dying in Syria while she tried not to yawn.)  He says he told her about leaving his faith, his experience in Syria, his family, etc.  And then he says-- wait for it--  he thinks that she's the one that's not really been herself the whole time.  Andi the Awful immediately stands up straighter like she's about to smack him.  Eric references a few specific moments where he got glimpses of the real her and then says...."I came here to meet a person, not a TV actress."  Oh hell yes.

Andi goes ape shit.  I mean, she totally loses it.  Why would she be so offended by this comment?  Because she knows it's true!!!  This is a woman who's super into the idea of putting on old lady make up and doing a fake Marge Simpson voice for most of last night's episode.  Bitch has already been measured for all of her Dancing with the Stars costumes.  She says "y'all" over and over again, even though we never heard her say it once on Juan Pablo's season.  I don't believe she's been fake ALL of the time, but I do believe she's been fake most of the time.  Eric tries to backpedal and explain what he means, but it's too late.  No one speaks the truth to the majesty like that and gets away with it.  Doesn't he know that one on one time is supposed to be spent complimenting Andi and telling her how wonderful she is?

If I wasn't already saddened by the fact that he dies, I'm now devastated.  He's the only thoughtful/honest person on the show and he just got shit all over.  Andi goes on a rant with the other guys saying how exhausted she is (um, I feel SO sorry for you that it takes a long time to tape a cocktail party and a rose ceremony.  Your life is so fucking hard) blah blah blah and then she storms off.

Eric is left shell shocked and gets escorted off by a cab.  This will be their last interaction, because shortly after he leaves the show he's killed in a paragliding accident.

But for one minute, let's just look at this interaction objectively without even taking into consideration the fact that he dies.  Do you guys remember the way Andi ripped into Juan Pablo?  The woman made fun of the way he spoke for God's sake.  I know he sucks and all, but she totally let him have it because...he says "it's okay" a lot.  But one contestant on the show tells her in the nicest way possible that she seems like a TV actress sometimes and she flips out on him, then sends him home?   I hate people like this.  Awful Andi can dish it, but she can't take it.

And not to be a total asshole, but if she heard him out and realized that he was actually being more real with her than any guy, she would have kept him on the show and he wouldn't have gotten into an accident.  It's all her fault!

Rather than ending the show with a rose ceremony, ABC decides to spend the last ten minutes remembering Eric.  But I'm sorry, even that is B.S.  If they wanted to spend the remainder of the show remembering the guy, then why not invite his friends and family and loved ones to share their memories with Eric instead of the woman who just said in this episode their relationship was stalled and she didn't really feel like she knew him?

Guys, it wasn't their way of remembering a contestant who died, it was their way of giving Andi a chance to defend herself.  She made an ass out of herself regardless, but Eric's death makes her look worse than Vladimir Putin. To be fair, she didn't know this was going to happen.  You can tell she's upset by it, but I was still surprised by the way she handled the interview with Harrison.  To say Eric was part of the family seems like a bad choice of words considering he had a family who's much more impacted by the loss.  Also, when Harrison asks about her last conversation with Eric, she says "it wasn't ideal."  She thought she'd get to see him at the Men Tell All and they'd have a laugh about it.  Sooo... to me, that kind of says she flew off the handle, because she knew it would make for good TV.  Guys, if it was me, I'd be clutching Harrison and crying uncontrollably.  I'd say I felt awful for treating him that way just because he was being honest with me.

Y'all, Andi's the WORST.  Like, I think she's the worst Bachelorette ever after this episode.

We also learn that Tasos was the only guy who didn't get a rose tonight and I'm actually glad he doesn't have to suffer through getting dumped on national television, cause he seems like a decent person. We don't find out the identity of Andi's secret admirer, but here's hoping it's Chris Harrison.

I know this recap was more like a rant, but the last twenty minutes of the show really got to me. And seriously, if ABC tells Andi and the other contestants about Eric's death on camera-- then WOW.  That is a new low.  What did you guys think of Andi in last night's episode?  Comment below!  And also, you deserve a million dollars for reading this recap which is probably ten pages long.


  1. Not even a single photo montage to commemorate Eric H...shameful, ABC! Gia got a photo montage! RIP Eric and Gia.

    1. Maybe we will get a photo montage at the After the Final Rose?

  2. I don't hate Andi. I don't love her either. Putting aside the very sad fact that Eric has died, I thought he was being a little unfair to her. Each one n one interaction after their date he seemed annoyed that she wasn't giving him more attention. He said some fairly rude stuff and even if she didn't fly off the handle, she wouldn't have given him a rose. If you were on your third date with someone and he started giving you shit, you probably wouldn't be like-oh yeah! This guy tells it like it is! I wouldn't anyway. I'd be annoyed that the courting was over and we had to have a serious talk each time we got together. "Carrie fucking Homeland" was HILARIOUS! Loved it. When are you going to mention Penis-faced Marcus's AWFUL comb over (come sideways, comb each way he can to cover up his enormous bald spot)? :)

    1. I think it's hard to look at the situation objectively for me because he did die BUT I do think he had a point that she was unfairly putting the onus of their relationship "stalling" on him when he did open up about major events in his life and she seemed disinterested at best. I think the "TV actress" comment hit too close to home because there's truth to it. You only get that upset about something when it strikes a chord. I don't know, the more I watch, the more contrived and calculated she seems to me. And the more messed up it is that she never voiced any concerns to Juan Pablo in the fantasy suite and waited till they were on camera to rip him to shreds. What Eric said wasn't nearly as rude and she refused to even hear him out. And I know this isn't her fault-- but he didn't even get an opportunity to say good bye to any of the guys on the show. Personally, I think if it wasn't for that conversation, he would have gotten a rose that night over someone like Patrick and Cody.

      OH MY GOD WHY DO I CARE?! I do though, I care so much.

  3. I agree; she annoys the &*!%# out of me. But I can't even hear what she says because my eyes are on tragically fixated on her awful mouth. The corners turn down no matter what she is trying to do....grin, grimace, cheer, be skeptical, nod in agreement, whatever!! Watch--it's constantly in an upside down smile--yes, even when she is smiling. I guess I wouldn't be so bitchy about a facial feature she cannot control but she does absolutely nothing for me in any way (not that I'm a dude) and I cannot see what they guys see in her. I will be shocked if anyone proposes. Well, maybe not. Doesn't mean they have to get married or anything....

    1. P.S. LOVE Marquel!!! He is the best Bachelorette contestant in...um, ever! Nice dresser, funny, hot, unpretentious, basically non-douchey. Wait, what the hell is he doing on this show?