Tuesday, June 17, 2014

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

What was up with that lame ass recap episode last week?!  ABC, did you really need to remind us for an entire hour how boring this season has been so far?  I was a little sad to see Tasos go, but I won't be fooled by his tears in the limo, and neither should you.  There's NO way he was crying over Awful Andi.  I'm pretty sure he was actually balling over the fact that his journey ended in Connecticut when all the other dudes are about to hop on a plane to the south of France.  At the very least, ABC should hire him to plan Andi's televised wedding.  Now onto this week's episode:

Annoying Andi walks around Marseille, while she contemplates love and romance.  Is it just me or does she sound like she's whining every time she talks?  I will pay her one compliment by saying that her fashion choices have not been terrible this season.  I'm guessing Sharleen picks out all the clothes.  The men arrive at the hotel and they're all super stoked they made it to the international portion of the show.  Marquel Mon Cheri says that where he grew up, guys didn't go to the south of France.  Sigh.  Tears.  This is where you need to stop what you're doing and sign this petition for Monsieur Marquel to be the next Bachelor. 

Chris Harrison, sporting a turtleneck and a blazer (because that's how he rolls), shows up at an outdoor cafe to ask Andi if she's falling in love.  She says "shit" or "fuck"-- I'm not sure because it was bleeped out, but the moment is kept in to illustrate that Andi's tough and sassy and not your average Bachelorette.  Cause, let's be real-- the average bachelorette has some semblance of a personality.  Anyway, she admits to Harrison that she may have a lady boner for more than one man.  Crazy how that seems to happen to every person who goes on this show! I'm fully waiting for Harrison to put on a beret and smoke a cigarette out of a cigarette holder, while doing a tap dance, but that doesn't happen.

Josh M (AKA lover of baseball) snags this episode's first one on one date.  The day begins with him and Andi walking around Marseille, then fondling each other on a boat.  Watching these two carry on a conversation is literally the equivalent of watching....hmmmm....what's really boring and pointless and goes on for hours?  Baseball! Watching these two converse is literally the equivalent of watching a baseball game.  I swear to God, NBC could put on a new series called "paint drying" where a camera captures a freshly painted wall as it dries and it would get higher ratings than this season of The Bachelorette.

Seriously, though.  I'm not sure what Andi sees in this guy at all.  He looks like he's made out of cardboard and he takes every opportunity to turn the conversation back to himself and his baseball glory days.  I guarantee when his penis penetrates Andi in the fantasy suite, he'll say something like: "this reminds me of the time I slid into homebase."

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and everyone is astounded that it's blank.  Way to shroud the show in mystery, ABC!  But none of that matters, because important racial issues are about to be addressed on the show.  JJ Cool Pants tells Marquel that when he and Ron (remember him?  The other minority who left the show and no one cared) got a rose at the first rose ceremony, Andrew turned to him and said that she gave roses to the two "blackies."  Marquel is understandably upset when he hears this.

I feel bad for my #1, but guys-- I don't buy this for a second.  First of all, who says "blackies"?  I don't think the guys from Duck Dynasty say it.  Andrew's not from rural Mississippi-- he's from Culver City.  And I'm sure if he did say anything to JJ it was "Holy shit, this show mad progressive.  Andi's proven to the world she's not a racist by keeping the two non-white dudes around past the first episode."  It breaks my heart to see Marquel cry over being discriminated against, even if I do think Andrew's innocent and this was all a ruse by ABC to distract us from the fact that the show is what's racist.

At this point, I would like to interrupt this recap by asking you guys whether you think my husband looks like Farmer Chris.  A buddy of his insists they were separated at birth.  Let's do a side by side comparison:
I'll admit, it's not the best picture but Bry rarely smiles in photos.
Back on their date, Andi and Baseball Bobble Head discuss her fears of dating an athlete, because apparently those are the only types of men she's ever dated.  Say what?  I don't think I've ever dated an athlete-- wait, unless artistic rollerskating counts as a sport.  Andi admits she's been cheated on before and that's why she's worried about dating another unemployed jock.  Josh M deals with the situation the way he deals with everything-- he starts talking about himself.  He tells Andi a story I'm pretty sure he made up as he was going along about an ex-gf who was so convinced he would cheat on her, that she ended up cheating on him.  Somehow this is all Arrogant Andi needs to hear before giving him a rose and making out with him.  It would not be a true one on one date if it wasn't for a private concert.  And I'm so happy there was one, because it led to the best moment of my life.  A Retweet from Chris Harrison!!  Check it:

At this point, I'm honestly so distracted by the fact that Harrison and I have made a true connection on Twitter that I don't really pay much attention to the rest of the show.  Can you blame me?  It all starts with a tweet and then before you know it, we'll be running away together to Turks & Caicos.   Love you forever, Harrison. 

Group date time.  Since the producers of the show are completely out of ideas, we are subjected to what may be the worst group date in Bachelorette history.  The guys have to be mimes-- in public.  It's sad and embarrassing and not even a little bit funny.  Just ask Slick Nick who is not having it. And why would he willingly make a fool of himself on national television?  His attitude (though completely understandable) has me even more convinced that he's a serial killer and there are bodies hidden in his basement.

This is why I get really concerned when the dudes confront him for generally being a dickhead.  They feel like he's bragging about being the frontrunner.  Ugh.  Men and their egos!  These guys are going to get themselves murdered in their sleep if they don't leave Nick alone.  The man is diabolical.  He's the type that will probably wait five years to smother you with a pillow so he can kill you when you least expect it!  Side note, he also looks like he could be Justin Bieber's older brother.

Since Andi is the all-feeling/all-knowing Bachelorette, she can sense that there's something wrong with the men.  Farmer Chris (AKA my husband) admits that the guys in the house aren't too sold on Nick.  Then Cody tells on Nick for making fun of him.  Andi confronts Nick about the whole thing and he successfully downplays it because that's what serial killers know how to do.  He then makes it all okay by reading something to Andi that he wrote her.  It goes a little something like this:

When I see you, I see happiness.  When I see you, I see a future.  When I see you, I see love. blah blah.  Here's our version for Andi.

When I see you, I instantly fall asleep due to boredom.
When I see you, I miss Sharleen.
When I see you, I see nothing but those pencil drawn eyebrows.
When I see you, I see the inside of my eyelids because I'm asleep, because you are boring.

I like our version the best!  Andi tells Nick he's "causing a ruckus" (seriously, who in the history of human life actually says that?)  They make out and all is okay with the world.  She also gets some alone time with Marcus Penis Face and all I remember from it is that they ate each other's tongues.

Meanwhile, Marquel decides that on camera and in front of all the other guys is the best time to confront Andrew for being a racist prick.  Andrew's flabbergasted by the accusation-- he was fully expecting Marquel to expose him for being gay for Patrick.  He tells Marquel that he didn't call him "blackie"-- and I believe him.  Marquel is a real champ about the whole thing-- mostly because when you agree to go on the most racist show in America, you have to expect that some of the guys might be shocked you're going to the south of France with them because NO minority has ever made it this far on the show!  Andrew is all kinds of uncomfortable after all of this and tells Andi that maybe this competition isn't right for him.

JJ-- who started this ridiculous racist rumor-- gets the group date rose.  Wow.  JJ.  I've underestimated you this whole time.  Couldn't you just see him going to sleep at night creating nefarious plots in his head?  JJ (internal monologue): tomorrow, I think I will tell Marquel that Andrew called him....blackie.

The next one on one date goes to Brian which is a major disappointment, because he's probably the only person on this show that's less interesting to watch than Andi.  And since they have absolutely nothing to talk about, they get to watch a movie on their date.  I really want to find out if they actually watch the entire movie or if they just watch the trailer--- I can't imagine production waits around for two hours for them to watch a film together.  Anyway, the movie is about cooking, Helen Mirren is in it, and honestly-- I was kind of hoping we could stop watching the Bachelorette and start watching this charming little film about French cuisine.  But that doesn't happen.  Instead, Annoying Andi and Boring Brian go grocery shopping where they have the obligatory "eat something strange" moment and then head to some apartment to cook themselves dinner.

I actually think Brian would have had a better time on this date if he got his balls waxed while being water boarded.  He apparently has an intense aversion to cooking.  He likes potatoes, but he doesn't know how to cook them-- he just likes them the way his mom makes them.  Um, RED FLAG.  But Attention Whore Andi seems to be more upset that he's not fondling her ass and giving it to her doggy style while she fries the frog legs. I sort of want to punch Andi at this point, because a boring evening of making dinner together in the kitchen is basically the definition of MARRIAGE.  How is she going to adjust to real life after this fantasy land she's living in?  Um, RED FLAG.  But alas,  Andi's frustrations are all a ploy to make us wonder if Brian will not in fact get a rose on this date.  After making a sucky dinner, Andi and Brian decide to go out to eat instead.  Brian finally puts out and kisses Andi, so she gives him a rose. 

At the rose ceremony, Andi makes the shocking announcement to Chris that she knows who she wants to send home and she wants to skip the cocktail party.  AKA: I don't want to work three extra hours tonight and I'd like as little on camera time for this terrible hairstyle as possible.  Seriously, you could hide a St. Bernard in that hair.  The guys are all kinds of devastated that they won't have one last opportunity to be interviewed for the job of husband by Andi.

Patrick and Andrew both get the boot, but at least now they can live a happy life together.  Patrick says that he's heard from a lot of people-- not only girls-- that he has the qualities paramount to being a husband.  Awwww.  He'g going to make Andrew SO happy.  And then the worst thing ever happens.  Marquel doesn't get a rose.  What the FUCK is wrong with Andi?!  I'm SO tired of boring white guys!  What is this, the Republican party?!  Actually, it probably is.  Poor Marquel had to endure a fake racist comment and get kicked off the show.  I think it might have been that terrible shirt he was wearing during the daytime portion of the group date.  OR he was shipped off early, because ABC knew they needed some diversity on Bachelor in Paradise (which looks amazing, even if we can never get in the ocean again, because we will die from a toxic combination of STDs)

I will now leave you with this burning question.  Let me preface this by saying I think Cody is one of the genuinely nicest guys on the show and maybe my favorite with Marquel gone-- BUT who do you guys think he looks like the most?

 A. Cabbage Patch Kid

B. Tin Tin (thank you @emilyfisker for this one)

C. Circus Pinhead Freak (thank you D & V for this one)

Leave your answer in the comments section.  Until next week folks!