Tuesday, June 24, 2014

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

Guys, am I the only one who's seriously disappointed in this season of The Bachelorette?  I don't know if I'm just bored with the franchise all together or if this has been an abnormally dull season.  Where's the dude with the girlfriend?  Where's the guy with a secret child?  Where's the guy who tells Andi he loves her, BUT tells us he'd rather swim in pee than marry her?  But it's not just the men, I also blame Annoying Andi.  She has no personality, no sense of humor, no sad sob story about a dead fiance.  All she does is cross examine dudes so she can seem strong and independent, only to get all doe-eyed and clingy the second a guy pays her a compliment.  I'm over you, Andi.  I would rather watch Ashley Hebert say Perfackt over and over again for ten hours straight.  But let's try to make the best of it shall we?

The episode begins in Venice, Italy.  The dudes arrive on a boat and start screaming for Andi, because that's what male contestants do on this show.  They yell out the bachelorette's name in cute little cobble-stoned cities in foreign countries.  Andi sits alone in a gondola as she ponders whether the unexamined life is worth living.  Jk, guys. She's wondering if one of the men on the show is her future husband.  Okay, I gotcha again!  She's actually thinking whether she'll look sexier on camera with her back arched slightly against the gondola.

She greets the men when they arrive and shatters their entire world when she announces that a one on one date will be starting RIGHT NOW.  Cabbage Patch (AKA Cody) assumes that he'll get the date with Andi, because he's the only guy who hasn't had a one on one date yet. But instead, his arch nemesis-- Slick Nick-- gets the date.  Right about now I'm starting to wonder where Chris Harrison's disappeared to.  This seems fishy.  He ALWAYS greets the men.  And he couldn't even make the time to write a proper date card?  The old me would say he's snorting coke off of a hooker's butt crack at a party he was invited to by Berlusconi, but the new me says he's visiting orphans in a leprosy colony and couldn't get back in time.

Nick and Andi's date basically consists of the two of them mumbling to each other while taking like five gondola rides, eating pizza, trying on masks, chilling out with some pigeons, and eating gelato.  Awful Andi keeps discussing the drama from last week-- but honestly, was there really drama?  I'm pretty sure Cody said Nick was kind of mean to him.  Anyway, if Andi knows what's good for her, she will back off or Nick will go Talented Mr. Ripley on her ass and murder her while the camera crew is on break.  Speaking of which-- Chris Harrison better be careful or Nick might get rid of him then take over his identity!  Harrison is totally the Jude Law in this scenario fo sho.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and Cody's name is not on it. He's so excited for his one on one date with Andi, but has he never seen this show before?  Anyone who gets a one on one date this late in the game gets sent home mid-date.  He better get all of his postcards in the mail now, cause there's nothing more anti-climactic than taking them back to the states with you and never sending them.

During the nighttime portion of their date, Andi and persNICKity (that is a five point NICKname right there) have dinner in some sort of castle somewhere-- I'm not sure-- I was too busy tweeting the FBI and telling them that I think Nick is the zodiac killer.  I will say, while I'm not all that into black and gold, I'm still kind of digging Andi's look.  Good job, wardrobe person!  Over dinner, they have yet another conversation about how the guys in the house think Nick is Emperor Douche Bag and Nick basically tells Andi that the dudes hate him because he's the "frontrunner."  She asks him if he thinks he's the frontrunner-- and like every good serial killer-- he expertly deflects by saying he's definitely falling in love.  DING DING DING DING, right answer!  Slick Nick gets a rose, even though he never said he was falling in love with her.  For all we know, he could be falling in love with a pigeon they met earlier.  He and Andi put on their masquerade masks and slow dance in front of the house.  The old me would say that inside the house was a masquerade Eyes Wide Shut sex party hosted by Chris Harrison, but the new me says Harrison retired to his hotel early, Face-timed with his kids, and fell alseep while watching Cinema Paradisio.

Before the group date, Andi gets another letter from her secret admirer and I'm truly mesmerized by the stunning penmanship.  I would marry this guy purely for his exquisite handwriting.  You guys think I'm joking but cursive is a dying art form.

Group date time, y'all.  This was maybe the biggest let down of the episode.  Seriously, watching this entire sequence was like having sex without an orgasm.  So Andi takes the dudes (Coach Brian, Farmer Chris, JJ Cool Pants, Dylan sad sibling story, Josh the jock, and Marcus Penis face) to some sort of medieval torture chamber and announces that they will all be taking lie detector tests today.

The sound you are hearing is every single guy shitting their pants in unison.  Which is no big deal, because JJ can get them all new pants!  They are all so freaked out by this activity-- especially since the lie detector man will be asking them questions like "are you here for the right reasons."

That's a trick question, right?  Cause the best reason to go on this show is to win the coveted title of next bachelor followed by a spot on DWTS, followed by a hosting gig on Extra!  Andi has to take a lie detector test too, but she doesn't get asked if she's ever cheated on a boyfriend, how many sexual partners she's had, and if she washes her hands after she goes to the bathroom like the dudes get asked. Josh the Jock is especially uncomfortable with this whole procedure.  On one hand, I get it-- you're nervous.  But he's so intense and agitated about all of it that it's clear it's because he's a BIG FUCKING LIAR.  Where is Geppetto when you need him?  He could make us a little wooden puppet version of Josh whose nose would grow every time he was asked if he was here for the right reasons. 

Dylan also has a very adverse reaction to the whole experience.  It upsets him so much that he needs to ditch the group date immediately and go back to the hotel-- because he doesn't want to be around when Andi finds out he's slept with more than twenty women and that he also DOESN'T wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.  Either that or he just got a terrible bout of diarrhea and needs to poop really bad.

So for once, I'm actually excited about the outcome of this group date.  Andi's going to find out some of the men are here just to get some screen time and further their careers as the future host of that weird food show that comes on right after Saturday Night Live that's currently hosted by Audrina Patridge.  But instead: Andi rips up the results.  The fuck?!  I totally get the symbolism of the gesture and the fact that ABC couldn't expose all the guys for not being into Andi at all but COME ON.  What are the lady equivalent of blue balls, because I have them.

Josh the jock is beyond excited that Andi didn't look at his lie detector results, because he doesn't want her to know that he taped some guys buns together in the locker room so he could make his dad proud (if you comment below with the movie reference, I will send you a present).

After all of this, we get a weird shot of Cody and Nick in the sauna together where Nick basically looks like he could be cast in the straight to streaming version of American Psycho 3.

Back to the group date.  It's cocktail party time and during his alone time with Andi, Marcus makes the mistake of telling her he was considering leaving the show.  The look on her face says it all.  You know she's thinking that if there's one thing she won't tolerate on this show, it's any man leaving on his own accord.  Even with racially ambiguous Ron, the show had to make it look like someone close to him had died.  But Marcus quickly backpedals and tells Andi that he's in love with her.  Um, wow.  Even Slick Nick said "I'm definitely falling in love"-- but Marcus takes things to the next level.   They start kissing and I swear, every time these two make out, I think of this movie:
Awful Andi has some alone time with Josh where they discuss the fact that he was very troubled by the lie detector test and was glad she ripped up the results, because A. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship B. He's a pathological liar and con-artist and he really didn't want Andi to know that.  And C. ABC would never make him the Bachelor if it came out that he has an affinity for Thai prostitutes and that he has a three inch penis.  I'm just assuming the lie detector guy asked him both those questions.

But nothing bothers Andi more than when Josh the Jock says he "likes" where things are going.  Andi literally says, "give me another word than like." As in, if you can't tell me you love me five episodes in, then I'm going to think twice about swallowing your peen in the fantasy suite. Things between Josh and Andi are left in a weird place, but none of that matters, because she's about to find out the identity of her secret admirer! Drum roll please:

It's Farmer Chris!  How did he learn to write so pretty?  I'm beginning to think that Chris may have the best shot of being the next Bachelor compared to the other ladies.  OMG. That was a total typo, but I've decided to keep it in.  I meant the other DUDES.  He's from the mid-west, he's cute, what he lacks in an upper lip he makes up for in romance, and his handwriting is so nice he could write all of his own date cards.  Needless to say, Chris gets the group date rose.

In an odd turn of events, there's some random drama between JJ Cool Pants and the rest of the guys when he expresses his annoyance that the dudes keep congratulating each other for getting roses.  Farmer Chris takes his comment a little too personally and shuts him down.  I think what JJ was trying to say is.... HE'S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

Time for Cody's one on one date.  He meets Andi in Verona and he's so giddy that he has a date with her, he starts crying in his interview segments.  So...even though I chose Cody to go home the very first night and even though I think he looks like a cabbage patch kid, he's actually my favorite guy on the show.  He just seems the most genuine and unassuming.  Plus, no one else would be able to do push ups while Chris Harrison sits on their back.

Annoying Andi goes on and on about how gorgeous Cody's eyes are because she doesn't know anything else about him and then they go to the spot where Shakespeare was inspired to write Romeo & Juliet's famous balcony scene.  So, if you've seen the movie Letters to Juliet (I haven't) you'll know that people all over the world send letters to Juliet asking for love advice and that peeps actually respond to all the letters.  Cabbage Patch and Cabbageworm (this is a bug that eats cabbage and is my new nickname for Andi on this date, because she basically destroys Cody) are tasked with answering a couple letters.  After I get over my initial shock that Cody can read, I'm really touched by his response letter.  Is this guy for real?  Are we sure this is Cody and not Sean Lowe in disguise?

The dinner portion of Cody's date with Andi was SO uncomfortable.  First of all, Cody comes on way too strong and basically pleads his case as to why Andi needs to keep him around.  Like, I was literally waiting for him to get down on his knees and beg for the rose.  The whole thing makes me cringe, but you also can't really blame Cody.  He has to know that he's on the chopping block and this is his last ditch effort to stay in the game.  Andi interrupts him and basically tells him she's not feeling it and it wouldn't be fair to keep him around or meet his family when she knows there's not really a future there (I was only half listening to this scene, but I'm assuming that's what went down).  Cabbage Patch leaves and sheds a few tears in the car.  Andi clearly feels awful about letting him go (not enough to just keep him around) and I'm pretty sure if there is a God and an afterlife, she's 99.9% going to hell for this.  But I have a feeling Cody will fare much better on Bachelor in Paradise.  Until we meet again in August, Code-ster!

Chris Harrison finally shows up to work after making a quick trip to Africa to get all those kids back from Kony and sits down to interview Andi.  How awesome would it be if he actually had no idea what happened on the show.  He's like "you ripped up the lie detector results"?!?!  Anyway, the most obnoxious part is that he asks Andi how her week was and she says OKAY.  Say what?  Um, let's get something straight.  You got to travel around Italy.  You had people do your hair and make up.  You got to wear a ton of cute clothes.  You had a couple dudes tell you they loved you.  You're currently being interviewed by the most amazing man in the world and you HAD AN OKAY WEEK?  Bitch, please.  You had the best week of your life.  

Right before the rose ceremony, Andi arrives to greet the dudes and as soon as Slick Nick sees her, he ushers her away from the other contestants.  This is a shitty move on his part.  He already has a rose and should let the other guys get their chance to beg Andi to let them stay so that their big-boned older sister can make her television debut during the hometown dates.  Farmer Chris (who also has a rose) is the first to say that Nick is a dickwad for doing this.   But Andi could give two shits.  She says, and I quote "he missed me, he wanted me, come get it." Flattery will get you everywhere with this chick!  I don't really get the Nick attraction to be honest.  Sometimes he looks cute, but other times I can only focus on his bad teeth, big ears, and the fact that he's kind of cross-eyed.  But let's pretend he was hot.  He still has the charisma of Vladimir Putin.  Marcus tells Andi he loves her again, Coach Brian blushes and reads her a poem that I hope he wrote when he was four years old, and Dylan apologizes for getting the runs on the group date and having to leave.  Everyone gets a rose except JJ Cool Pants.  I'm sad to see him go, but it was time for Andi to whittle things down to six beefy, homogenous, normal pants-wearing, Caucasian, potential husbands.

The very best part of the episode was during the credits when it sounded like the lie detector guy kept asking "have you ever fart in the public." Let the record show that I have never fart in the public.  And neither has Chris Harrison.

Anyway, who do you guys think is the front runner so far?  Could you actually picture her getting engaged to Nick?  At this point, part of me feels like she's going to end up with no one. Leave your predictions in the comments section!


  1. breakfast club!

    1. anonymous, we can't send you a present if you don't tell us who you are!

  2. Yeah. Blandi is the pits. Snore town.

  3. Wait, she does get a little blip on the radar of excitement for that very exceptional side boob action at the Rose ceremony. And WHY IS DYLAN STILL THERE?? Oh yeah cause he's tall, white, and not balding.

    I really wish Blandi would stop losing her mind every time a guy likes her. It's so insecure and sad.

    1. Somehow, I missed the side boob. I'm thinking Dylan will for sure be sent home before hometown, because what a depressing hometown date that would be. Blandi is the most amazing nickname, i'm going to use in all the recaps from now on!

  4. I think the final 4 are nick, marcus, josh and chris

    Im calling the final 2 as marcus and nick at this point

    Chris is nice but i dont see the chemistry, and josh will probably fuck it up in the fantasy suite when they finally bone...

    Dylan is toast, and he needs to gtfoh with the hair gel and chop that shit off

  5. Not sure when brian is gonna get the axe but i think dylan goes next week for sure, its a toss up between brian and chris next, unless josh does something douchey, but i think she wants to keep him around long enough to bone him first...

    Pretty clearly, the 2 she has the major lady boner for are nick and marcus

  6. Dang, according to reality steve, i am apparently dead wrong. Color me surprised. Interesting..

  7. Oh yes, I did read one spoiler that marcus ends up on Bachelor in Paradise. I'm thinking Brian could be a dark horse in this race. he's kind of a cross between Nick and Josh if you think about it. My top four are Nick, Josh, Brian, Chris. I think chris will definitely get a hometown date so we can see him on his farm. But if I didn't know that spoiler, my money would have been on Marcus too. I still think he might make it to the fantasy suite.