Wednesday, June 18, 2014

unfinished business & the BLOW OFF

I dated this guy for four years (I am pretty young so for me that is a HUGE deal) and all I got left is with a broken heart and a shattered ego.  He was my first everything ( I mean EVERYTHING). Not going to lie-- being in love is a beautiful feeling and even after everything that happened, he will always be special to me.  We were off and on throughout the four years and during an "off" period, we tried to be adults about the whole situation and go out for a drink. In my head I considered it a date-- but when the time came to pay, we split the bill. It was at that moment that I realized that when the guy I loved with all my heart asked me to go out for drinks-- it was just a freaking friendly date. As in old friends just catching up.

It was one of the most awkward and painful experiences of my life. I was too numb to talk, so as he filled the conversation, I forced myself not to cry. I sat there and realized he was no longer the person I fell in love with. During the short weeks and months we were on our ‘off’period, somehow this person who was so close to me had become a stranger.

After the so called ‘date' I went home and cried my eyes out for the love I once had. To top it all off he texted me and said "Had a great time with you." I was shocked. That was GREAT?  A week later, it was our four year anniversary and of course-- no text from him. A couple of days later it was his birthday (he’s a Jehovah's Witness so he doesn’t celebrate birthdays…yeah, I had a bf who never celebrated any holidays, birthdays or anniversaries) and then two days later it was my birthday. I didn’t expect anything since we hadn’t spoken for two weeks and I was ready to let go knowing that in his eyes, I was just a friend.

To my surprise he did text to see how I was doing. I was angry for various reasons. First, it’s my birthday dickhead, so don’t ruin it with friendly chit-chat. Second, what does he even want now? Lastly, fuck off and let me try to get over you. I ignored him for two weeks. He texted and called non-stop. But I was in the mindset that he was a drug and I needed to get clean and just get my life back together, because loving him was slowly sucking any happiness out of me.

Eventually, I gave in and asked what he wanted. He wanted to know how I was and was wondering if I was upset. At first, I told him I was just busy, but when he said he was relieved I wasn't mad, I finally let him have it.  I told him he made me feel like a disposable toy that he plays with then throws away till he’s ready to play again.  I told him that I need more and while I know he can’t give it to me, I can’t handle being friend. Then the unexpected happened. He confessed that he never stopped loving me, that he knows all his faults, he’s sorry and all he wants is to make me happy. And I quote again "X I never stopped loving you, but all those years you never really gave me the feeling that you loved me. And I’m afraid that you don’t love me as much as I love you."  He wanted to try again. 

I gave in. I was afraid, but I knew I’d regret not giving the one person I loved another chance.

A couple of days later he spent the night at my place and we had a great time, watching movies, getting tipsy, getting intimate. I really felt like I gave him every piece of me. I surrendered my fears, my hopes, my dreams and my heart to this one person. All my walls were down. And what does he do two days later? HE DUMPS ME. He says we can’t be together because there are too many things that had happened in the past and that he is trying to be true to his religion and practice abstinence. And the coward couldn’t even tell this to my face, but over text.

There are no words to describe how I felt. Betrayed mostly. I told him that he was the biggest mistake of my life, that I regretted every touch, every kiss, the broken promises and mostly the day I fell in love with him. That was the last thing I said to him. For two weeks all I did was lay in bed and sleep. But with time, I started smiling more often.  I had a ton of support from my best friends, sister and mum. They really helped.

Then one evening as I was going out, I saw him with his friends.  I went up to him (I had no choice, he was standing right where I needed to pass through), kissed him on the cheek, said hi and as he asked how I was doing, all I gave him was a nod and walked away.  I realized then that if I ignored him he would still have me under his thumb. Forgiving him would allow me to forgive myself for trusting him and eventually, I could slowly move on. I’m not angry about him not loving me the way I wanted to be loved. I’m angry that he made me believes in US again and then destroyed my trust.

Sometimes I do get angry and sad, but that does pass after a hug from my mum, a night out with the girls, and focusing on the good instead of the bad. To be honest, even after feeling totally fucked over I do believe he thinks he loves me and did the best for us. But I know one day he will find HER and he will understand why I wasn’t the one for him.  It sucks but that only means I will also find HIM. My message to anyone that reads this is that when you know you have unfinished business with someone, finish it. By any means. Sure there’s a chance you will get burned, a chance that the person you thought could make you the happiest isn’t at all what you’ve imagined. But when you look back, you'll know that you gave it your best shot at happiness. And when you do get BLOWN OFF, you are actually able to move on instead of labeling that person as a regret or worse-- the one that got away.

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that you got burned twice but it's so great you are mature enough to see the good in the situation. At the moment someone from my past contacted me again. I always knew there was unfinished business between us, but it looks like it's shaping up to be another blowoff for me.
    I think one of the reasons guys come back is for an ego-stroke - to see if they can still have you. In your case that was true.
    I like the quote, "Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else." I am looking forward to that day!

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  2. What a crappy situation, but you are definitely better off and I love that you got through it with the help of your mom and gfs. No more boys who use their religion as an excuse to be shitty!

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  3. Wow, first off, I am so sorry that that happened to you. Secondly, I just went through something almost exactly similar - almost five years, on and off, he is the first and only guy I have ever liked so far. We're in an off period but just started texting again. And I got angry and wanted to know what he wanted EXCEPT, the unexpectable didn't happen to me, he just wanted to be friends and actually doesn't ever want a relationship with me again. :'( I really hoped that it would go the other way, but I am so sick of this unfinished business. I don't think I can do what you did - walk up to him and be friends. I'm tired of this on-and offness. Clearly I wanted it to be permantely on and he wants it to be off, now I guess it's just off. I'm very upset even at thought of him one day finding HER because I wanted to be that person for him and for him to be the one for me. This is still fresh and I am still very upset, but I'm trying to move forward. Even though, it's not the ending I hoped for. Hopefully this unfinished business can finally be finished.

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