Wednesday, June 25, 2014

you can't help who you fall in love with? yay or nay?

We have probably all dated, hooked-up with, and loved people who weren't appropriate for us.  Maybe they were too old or too married or too unreliable-- whatever it was, we forged ahead anyway.  It's true, sometimes you can't stay away when you fall for someone against your better judgment.  And while I get that and while I've been there, it still drives me crazy when people seem to use it as an excuse for cheating on their spouses.  "You can't help you who fall in love with." Uh, yeah you kind of can when you're already supposed to be in love with someone else.

Not to bring Tori Spelling into this, but I'm gonna-- she and Dean McDermott were both married to other people when they fell in love and had an affair.  Dean had a son with his first wife.  Fast forward to many years later when Dean cheats on Tori and they sign up for a horrible reality show to address the scandal head on.  On the show, whenever anyone asks Tori how she feels when people say "karma's a bitch" she agrees that yes, she and Dean didn't meet under ideal circumstances-- but you can't help who you fall in love with.  Sorry (not sorry), but that is such bullshit.

The truth is, when you're married you have to set boundaries for yourself.  You're still going to come across interesting and attractive people.  And sometimes there might even be a tiny spark there.  How often do you hear friends refer to their work husbands or work wives?  Unless said person is gay, chances are they probably have a small crush on their work spouse.  It's probably totally harmless and nothing to worry about-- especially if both parties are happily married. But I'm willing to bet, even if they are happily married, they've probably set some sort of unspoken boundary. 

Like, they probably wouldn't go to happy hour just the two of them.  And they probably wouldn't send each other flirty texts.  I work from home, so I don't have a work spouse-- but I have a lot of guy friends in my profession and I don't really feel the urge to hang out with them one on one.  A. I'd rather stay at home and hang out with my husband and B. I don't really need to put myself in a situation where I could develop an inkling of a crush.  Even if it's harmless and normal, it wouldn't feel right.  I'd rather limit my crushes to unattainable men like Ryan Gosling and Jimmy Fallon.

See, in order to really fall in love with someone (unless you're a contestant on The Bachelorette), you have to pursue spending time with them.  I know in the case of celebrities-- they're often on set for long hours together and can't avoid that-- but I'm talking about us normal folks now.  We can avoid people who might confuse our emotions. And that goes for you peeps that aren't married.  The second you see that wedding band or that engagement ring-- keep away.  It doesn't matter if you're the one being pursued, you can still control yourself from getting into a relationship that's bound to hurt a lot of other people. 

You have no control over blinking.  You have no control over the weather.  But you do have control over yourself.  If you fuck up, at least just admit it and don't pretend like there were forces greater than you at work here.  Do you guys agree or disagree?  Comment below!


  1. Totally agree. You are an adult, act like one and set limits for yourself when it comes to married people. In speaking about Tori and Dean and all the people in the world who have affairs, I don't get it. I have been hit on twice by married men, and I found it the most repulsive thing in the world. I felt bad for their wives that I had never laid eyes on (although one had the gall to show me pictures of her on their wedding day before he proceeded to ask me if I was into casual sex).

  2. I also completely, totally agree with this article. It is spot on. It's all about self-control. If you come across someone who you're attracted to who isn't your significant other, whether it's a co-worker or a complete stranger, you do have the power to not put yourself in a position to cheat. It's normal to be attracted to multiple people and be tempted, but ultimately it's on you to keep your distance and ensure that no boundaries are crossed.

  3. Cheaters are the worst! Love this quote from "Closer"^

  4. OMG, love that clip. EXACTLY. There's always a moment.

  5. Totally agree. Cheating is not right. But then there's the "I've fallen in love with someone else/I don't want to be with you anymore". I had an ex who once told me that the "right" thing to do if you fall in love with someone else is break up with the person you're with, and then be with the person who you have fallen in love with. When I see someone with a wedding band on his finger or he is not single, I KEEP AWAY. Cheating is a big no, no, for me. It's more uncertain when you're not married, but if you are, is it still okay to divorce them and then be with someone else? What about the vows you initially made? I guess it depends on the person, but love is so complicated nowadays.