Monday, July 14, 2014

LeBron James: explained in female terms

I'm a woman who knows very little about sports.  My husband always says I only get invested during play off and championship games and to that I say--- what's the point in getting invested any earlier?  And yet, this is our THIRD blow off post about LeBron James. 

The first was written by J. Keith van Rappin all the way back in 2010 when LeBron James first left the Cleveland Cavaliers to sign with the Miami Heat.  Click here to read it.   The second was written by me-- probably with help from my brother when the Heat and the Cavaliers were playing their first post-break up game in Cleveland.  Click here for the awkward run in refresher.

And now everything has come full circle.  If you like to stay on top of pop culture, but don't know anything about sports and have been bombarded by LeBron memes in your Twitter feeds-- allow us to explain-- in FEMALE terms.

LeBron James grew up in Akron, Ohio and played for the Cleveland Cavaliers for seven years. It's not that often that an athlete actually plays for their home team. This made him a hero to everyone in Ohio.  It's also made the Cavaliers his...

....high school girlfriend.  They met when they were young.  They wanted to conquer the world and thought they'd be together forever.  Or until James retired.  They were going to do big things.  Like win championships.  But that didn't end up happening.  LeBron's high school girlfriend stopped holding his interest.  He was changing and growing and she wasn't changing with him.  He wanted someone less homely.  Someone sexier and hotter that he could walk red carpets with.  So... he dumped the girl who believed in him from the beginning to hook up with someone a little more exciting.  Think dumping Katie Holmes (who happens to be from Ohio) for a Kardashian.

To make matters worse, when LeBron announced his decision to sign with the Heat during a news conference-- he didn't give the Cavaliers a heads up.  This is basically like dumping your girlfriend by changing your Facebook relationship status or announcing it on Oprah (I'm looking at you, Matt Damon).

While his high school girlfriend lost her shit over the break up, LeBron thrived with his new hotter trophy wife.  He literally won trophies with her (two championships).  His old girlfriend tried to move on and meet someone as good as him, but no one else quite compared.  It was a long four years.  She swore she'd never take Lebron back...

...until he came crawling.  After four years, LeBron was a free agent again.  Basically, he was single.  And he started remembering the dreams he had with his ex and how those dreams still meant something to him.  And that if they didn't try to conquer them together, he might regret it for the rest of his life.  He had some good times with his new girlfriend, but they didn't have a history.

So Lebron did what we ALL wish our ex-boyfriends would do after moving on to someone else.  He wrote a mea culpa letter.  Well, it was really an "as told to" piece in Sports Illustrated, but you know what I'm talking about. It's where a guy takes full responsibility for his actions and begs for forgiveness.  Where he admits that he didn't know what he had till it was gone.  Where he claims your time apart was necessary for him to realize just how much you meant to him.  And that if you take him back, he'll never let you down again.  It's everything you've ever dreamed of hearing.  It's all the things you imagined might happen while listening to Coldplay and Adele.  

Click here to read the piece. 

So, while everyone in Cleveland rejoices-- all of you jilted ex-girlfriends out there can celebrate too.  Maybe your exes will take a page from LeBron's playbook and realize their new significant others pale in comparison to you.

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