Tuesday, July 1, 2014

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

Okay, guys.  This week kicks off in Brussels, Belgium where we hear about a zillion times that whoever gets a rose on this date will get to introduce Blandi (btw, thanks to one of our loyal readers for gifting us this perfect nickname) to their family.  Which means these are THE MOST IMPORTANT ROSES EVER in the history of the world.  They're more important than the rose in Beauty & the Beast.  They're more important than the purple rose of Cairo.  They're more important than Rose from Golden Girls.  Do we all understand?  Okay, let's move on.

Chris Harrison meets up with the guys and he just strolls in like he's passing through on his way from running errands.  He reminds them that they also need to decide if they want to introduce Annoying Andi to their families.  Harrison's like "seriously, guys.  She's like reallllllly boring.  Even off-camera. I'd really think this one through if I were you." 

Marcus (AKA penis face) gets the first one on one date and we learn that Blandi has been hesitant to get close to Marcus ever since she learned he considered leaving the show.  Uh, hesitant?  You haven't seen him since he told you he thought about leaving the show.  You've had no choice but to not get close to him.  Anyway. This episode reads like a Dr. Seuss book because everyone rhymes for no reason.  Andi suggests that they eat mussels in Brussels and then she begins to interrogate him about why he almost left the show.  Marcus plays it like a champ and pretends that the reason he thought about leaving wasn't because he was bored or missed his favorite pillow, it was because he's so in love with Andi that it scared him.  Andi's face lights up like this:
Seriously. Anytime one of the dudes lies through his teeth and tells Andi he's falling in love with her, she turns into a glow worm.

During the nighttime portion of their date, Mushroom Top Penis Face and Blandi go to some castle for dinner.  Ugh.  Castles are totally the new helicopters this season.  We get it, ABC.  You either really want us to watch the primetime show Castle or you think every female viewer wants to be a princess and that we all have some smut castle fantasy.  Andi asks Marcus about his family-- mainly, she wants to know why they gave him a black man's name-- but instead, Marcus opens up to her about the fact that his mom used to beat him and his siblings.  Uh, was it just me or was this detail seriously glossed over?  When Marcus tells Andi that he and his mom are really close now, she's like "awwww, that's so sweet."  But I know what's really going on in her head. Marcus is toast.  There's no way Blandi can leave her future babies with an abusive mother-in-law when she and Marcus whore themselves out on Marriage Boot Camp.

This is also when I'm shocked to realize that Marcus is twenty-five.  How is this possible?  Men under the age of thirty shouldn't be allowed on this show.  However, I later catch him saying that his relationship with his mom was more strained when he was in his teens and twenties.  Uh, you're supposedly still in your twenties.  This confirms that he's forty-five.  

Back at the house, Josh the Jock gets the next one on one date.  Um, I did a little research this week and Mr. Former Pro baseball player only played in the minor leagues.  Well, kind of.  He was a second round draft pick for the Milwaukee Brewers, but he didn't actually play for them-- he played for their farm team (WTF is a farm team?) known as the Brevard County Manatees.  So....basically he played Little League baseball and he's now unemployed.

Marcus returns from his one on one date and Slick Nick sees this as his opportunity to track down Andi's hotel room so he can murder her in her sleep, so he can tell her how much he hearts her.  He's super shady when he approaches the woman at the front desk and claims he forgot the key to his room, but that his wife is Andi Dorfman or some shit like that.  I'm confused.  If he forgot the key to the room he's sharing with his wife, then wouldn't he know the room # already?  Who knows, I was only half paying attention, but either way I'll be making a Kiva loan for the poor hotel clerk who will def be fired today.  Nick Bundy Manson Dahmer shows up at Blandi's hotel room and she's super duper giddy to see him.  They go on a secret one on one date that I'm sure will be the subject of much discussion during the Men Tell All-- (words like "not cool" and "gamer" will be thrown around).  Andi claims that she knows this is "against the rules" but if she's going to meet Nick's family, she wants to spend as much time with him as possible.

Don't be fooled, viewers.  This was not against the rules.  This was totally planned out.  You can't pull spontaneous shit like this on a show where I'm guessing you've got a union crew who can't work past a certain number of hours without going into serious overtime pay.  Not to mention they probably need permits to shoot in certain places.  This little move by Nick was planned out at least a week in advance and written into the production schedule.  That's right, ABC.  You've got a savvy viewer writing these recaps.  I can't be stopped.  I won't be stopped.  Okay, I will be stopped because I don't know how much more I can take of Andi and Nick whispering and making out.  I would rather watch Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson's corpse 69 each other than watch these two kiss.  Wait, let me think about it.  I might have to take that one back.... that's pretty dark and grotesque... Nope.  I'd still rather see that than Andi and Nick licking each other's tongues.

Side note, it also really bothers me every time Andi says "THIS is a man" about any of the dudes.  Has she been dating nine year olds up until now?  Did she previously date women?  Perchance a hermaphrodite? Yes, they're men.  Get over it.

Time for Josh the Jock Strap and Blandi's one on one date.  They meet in the city of Ghent which Blandi informs Josh is one of the only cities that wasn't rebuilt after the war.  Josh is like... no shit Andi, the war was all the way over in Vietnam.  Aside from that, I can barely recall a single detail about Jock & Blandi's date except for the fact that they ate a lot of chocolate and Jock finally decided he needed to bite the bullet and tell Andi he's falling in love with her.  Blandi is won over by this (shocker!) and it seems to solidify his chances of getting a hometown date.  I mean, President Assad could tell Andi he was falling in love with her and she would offer to hide chemical weapons for him under her bed.  Either way, I vote Josh most likely to try to stick his peen in Andi's butt on the fantasy suite date.

Group date time, y'all!  Slick Nick, Farmer Chris, Bonehead Brian, and Dylan whose back story is too sad to warrant a nickname even though he sported a terrible man-bun this week, meet up with Andi and wander through another CASTLE, but this one is in ruins.  And poor sweet Dylan actually says that if the ruins could stand the test of time, then his love for Andi could also stand the test of time.  HOLD UP.  Dylan, the castle is in RUINS.  Technically, doesn't that mean it didn't stand the test of time?  Like--- if my husband compared our marriage to a ruin, I'd be like "do you mean our love is being reduced to a state of decay, collapse, or disintegration?" Because THAT Dylan is the definition of a ruin.  The poor kid can't even get his cheesy love metaphors right.

The rest of the group date consists of all the dudes playing a rhyme game (I shit you not) and pulling out the big guns.  NO, they didn't all show Andi their erect penises.  Gosh, loyal readers-- get your minds out of the gutter.  They told Andi they're falling for her or falling in love with her or blah blah who cares this show is so boring.  The best thing about this date is that they're on some sacred ground where you're not allowed to kiss so we don't have to watch Andi eat anyone's face with those freakishly small baby teeth.

Farmer Chris and Blandi sneak off to make some pottery and I know I'm supposed to think about the movie Ghost and find this whole thing undeniably romantic, but instead I decide to use the opportunity to floss my teeth and read another chapter of War and Peace out loud to my puppy.  By the time I'm back to the TV, the guys are all freaking out because the date rose is now in their midst.  Was this really a surprise?  When has there not been a group date rose during hometown?  I swear to God, they act like Harrison just showed up with two double-sided dildos and told everyone to get on their knees. The guys also learn that whoever gets the group date rose gets to hang out with Blandi for the rest of the night.  If these boys were thinking clearly and hadn't been brainwashed every night by a group of scientists who showed them images of Andi with the song "She" By Elvis Costello playing in the background, they'd know sticking around for the rest of the night with her is so much worse than going back to the hotel and drinking red wine with Marcus.  

I'm actually kind of surprised that Slick Nick manages to snag the group date rose. I know the show is desperate for some drama, but he was so over-confident this whole time that I figured he'd finally get knocked down a peg.  But it turns out I over-estimated Andi.  She gives Nick the rose which means she will get to meet his family.  I'm so boggled by her interest in him.  And how excited she gets when they play a "game" where Nick asks her questions like "hot or cold" or "peanut butter & jelly" or "small or big" and she picks her favorite.  Wow.  I'm so glad these two are getting to know each other on such a deep level since they're about two weeks away from getting engaged.

When Nick the Ripper returns to the hotel, a very long and amusing awkward silence ensues and then the guys basically gang bang him. If a gang bang means verbally ripping someone to shreds.  Okay, I realize that's not at all what gang bang means, but you get what I'm saying.  They gang up on him in a dramatic fashion.  They tell Slick Nick that he's more concerned with strategy than he is with Blandi.  They tell him he's not-- wait for it-- here- wait for it- for the-- wait for it-- right reasons.  And then they basically allude to the fact that he's dying to be the next Bachelor.  I'll be honest, I thought they were being a little unfair to Nick-- especially since during the following rose ceremony, all we hear is the other dudes strategizing about how they can maybe still snag a rose.  And also-- I'm sorry, but every single one of them wants to be the next bachelor.  Uh, would you rather get engaged to a woman you've known for six weeks and appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live or would you rather have twenty-five skanky women in hot pink evening gowns compete like crazy to put their mouths on your junk in the fantasy suite?  It's a no-brainer, people.

At some point, Slick Nick cries in front of the cameras because he cares about Blandi so much, but we know it's because he's scared the guys are going to fuck everything up for him and he might not even get laid in the fantasy suite.  Personally, I think it'll be Nick and Josh at the end and he'll go all the way.  If that happens, I demand that Andi gets disbarred. 

Cocktail party time.  I will say that Blandi looks quite pretty with her hair swept back, but I still get violent urges every time she's on my TV screen.  And even though no one cares about strategy on this show, Farmer Chris decides that right before the rose ceremony is the moment to tell Awful Andi he's falling in love with her.  And if that doesn't seal the deal, he steals her away again to make out with her.  And stop everything, but she actually says something remotely amusing when she says "You go Farmer."  But I'm worried about Chris.  He has no upper lip and I'm not sure it was a good idea to remind Andi of that right before she's handing out the MOST IMPORTANT ROSE OF THE SEASON SO FAR.

But my fears end up being unwarranted.  Josh the Jock, Farmer Chris, and Marcus Penis Face all get roses and will get to call their quirky and overweight families to tell them they're going to be on TV.  Poor tragic Dylan is really sad to go and says he deserves to find love again.  Man, this guy has had it rough.  But if there was ever a sign that he knew he wasn't going to get a rose, it was the fact that he hadn't washed his hair since they left New England.  Bonehead Brian is the only one surprised that he didn't get a rose and in a truly cringe-worthy moment (after Blandi does a horrible fake cry) he hears the remaining men and Andi laughing during his exit interview.  Oh God, I hope when Brian told his mom he was going on the show she didn't say "NO.  They're all gonna laugh at you" cause if she did, she was totally right. 
I can't believe next week is already hometown dates.  And how come there were no two on one dates this season?  I can't keep anything straight anymore.  Chris Harrison, where are you when I need you?  Getting hot wax dripped on your chest or making a quick trip to Sochi to bring home some stray dogs?  I'm just not sure anymore.

Until next week when we meet the crazy families and when Farmer Chris loses his chance of getting a BJ in the fantasy suite when he tells Blandi she could be a homemaker in Iowa.  I'm SO scared for when Harrison has to tell everyone about Eric Hill's tragic death.  Tears.  It's going to be so terrible and sad.  But I hope Andi will show a little more remorse for how she kicked him out of the show and that she will also take full responsibility and blame for his death.  Personally, I don't think that's too much to ask.


  1. Ok, new scenario to revive the foundering Bachelorette franchise: Let's say our Bachelorette sleeps with all 3 guys in the fant-nasty suite, goes to the end, picks one guy, and on ATFR finds out she's KNOCKED UP. ATFR becomes "WHO's the BABY DADDY?" complete with paternity reveal and she must decide between staying with her true love, the recipient of the Final Rose, or providing a "stable" family for the unborn child. What will she do? Is the baby's daddy ALSO her true love? Is it a rejected Bachelor? Will she give up her true love for the baby's daddy? Will the rejected baby daddy take her back? Will she raise the baby on her own? In the case that the baby's daddy is ALSO the Bachelorette's true love, ABC must pay them one million dollars and cover their televised wedding and the child's college education. And Chris Harrison is the godfather of the baby.

    1. THIS IS THE MOST BRILLIANT IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD. I would be all about this show. How do we get you to pitch it to Chris Harrison?!

  2. I couldn't wait to read your blog to see if you touched on any of Nick's serial killer qualities. I mean, did anyone else catch this?? I thought he was going to murder everyone in their sleep after they ganged up on him. And the way he talks to the camera when he's telling America he knows he's going to win...f*ing freaky. How does Andi not see what a creepster he is? If he ever shows up at her house with a bottle of Chianti and some fava beans, bitch better RUN!

    1. Did I catch this? Um...Yes! I am just watching it now and Nick the Serial Killer just told Andi on their after-hours romp, "The things I can't control and the things that run through my mind are just insane." Unfortunately, Glow Worm's brain lights up and then malfunctions whenever she hears anything slightly complimentary, much less Nick's stalker-talk. I can't believe she doesn't find him freakishly obsessive. (BTW--Saara's spot on with the Glow Worm reference.) Ugh. And dudes better sleep with one eye open. Not good. Not good at all, brothas.