Tuesday, July 15, 2014

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

You guys.  I had more fun watching the live feed of Sean and Catherine's empty wedding night suite than I did watching last night's episode of The Bachelorette.  I would officially like to make a public apology to Ali Fedosomething and Ashley Cupcake Hebert for anything negative I may have said about them during their reign as the Bachelorette.  Compared to Blandi Dorkman those two ladies were even more entertaining than that cat riding around on the roomba.

            
Anyway.  The episode kicks off in the Dominican Republic where Andi lays on the couch with a notebook (because no one on the bachelorette ever uses a laptop or a phone or an iPad) to write down her thoughts about the three remaining men.  We get an endless recap of Andi's journey so far with Josh the Jock, Farmer Chris, and Slick Nick.  Here's the biggest takeaway from this sequence.  Josh is hot, but he's an athlete.  Chris is hot, but he lives in Iowa.  Nick is hot, but he killed his last three girlfriends.

Slick Nick gets the first date which means he's the chosen one to stick his peen in Blandi's vagina.  Guys, I bet even Andi's vagina is boring.  You might be thinking "how exactly can a vagina be boring?"  Well, for starters it's probably just waxed into a very predictable landing strip.  It's probably not vajazzled.  And it's probably as dry as desert storm.

They take a helicopter ride to a private island and for the next five minutes, we are forced to watch them straddle each other in the ocean and make out while Andi explains that they have an "adult relationship".  Clearly, there is something very wrong with me, because I'm not even excited about seeing a helicopter.  Who am I kidding?  This helicopter ride is the highlight of the episode and this is coming from a girl who lives in LA.  I see helicopters flying over my house like thirty-five times a day.

While Slick Nick and Blandi hang out on the beach, she decides to get him to open up about his terrible break-ups.  And that's when it hits me.  Nick totally went to the loony bin after getting dumped.  Think about it, guys.  There was fear in his family's eyes when they talked to Awful Andi about his past heartaches.  He even admits that he didn't talk to anyone for six months.  That's because he was in a padded cell with his arms and legs strapped to a bed.  Poor Nick!  Maybe Andi would put it all together too if she wasn't more interested in munching on tortilla chips than listening to Nick tiptoe around his fragile sanity.  Throughout the daytime portion of the date, Nick tries to muster the courage to tell Andi he's in love with her, but he's afraid he can't say it with a straight face, and decides to hold off until it's dark out so she won't notice that he's on the verge of laughing the whole time.

CUT TO: their dinner date where Nick announces that he's written a story.  The fuck?  What, did this guy come on the show secretly hoping he'd become the next Dr. Seuss?!  I don't know that I can properly describe how ridiculous this all is, but Nick reads Andi this whole story about how she's a princess-- and honestly, I don't really remember how it ends.  I'm pretty sure that Nick's little sister Bella drew all the illustrations.  And I'm really hoping that she wrote the story too, otherwise-- Nick should totally get cast as Charly in a remake of Flowers for Algernon.  (if you don't understand this reference, then... Google it, obviously. And then try reading a book once in awhile, stupid face).

I feel that it's necessary to reiterate one more time that Nick wrote Andi a children's book about their "adult relationship" that he insists on reading to her aloud and that this is all happening right before they go to the fantasy suite together to lick each other's privates.  Why couldn't he just make her a scrapbook like every other self-respecting contestant?  This is the worst kind of foreplay in the world. How do you give a guy a proper BJ when all you have in your head is a crayon drawing he made of you as a princess?!  All this time I thought he was a serial killer, but now I'm picking up some strong pedophilia vibes.  I almost feel like the show needs to have a public service announcement at the end of the episode.  "If a man you're dating writes a children's book about your relationship, please contact authorities immediately and keep him away from any schools and playgrounds within a five mile radius."

Somehow, the book helps motivate Nick to tell Andi he's in love with her and once again, her face lights up like a glo-worm.  But notice that he takes her deep into the shadows of the island to say the L word to ensure that she won't register the "I'm so full of shit" look on his face.  And his plan works, because Andi is ecstatic.  There's something SO smug about her expression.  Like she signed up for the show purely to have three different men say they're in love with her.  The worst part is she actually believes it!  So much for that law degree.  Slick Nick tells Blandi that "she's it for him" but what he really wants to say is "you're it for me, because I'm pretty sure they've already asked Farmer Chris to be the next bachelor-- so if I want to go on Kelly & Michael and Jimmy Kimmel-- you're my only hope."

Josh the Jock gets the second date of the episode and at first, I take that as a sign that he's getting the boot.  The middle lay NEVER gets a rose.  It's always the first guy and the last guy who make it to the finale and it's always the last guy who wins the whole thing. 

If the helicopter/private island date wasn't generic enough, Jock Strap and Blandi get to explore the Dominican Republic.  I was too busy screaming into a pillow out of boredom during this sequence, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say they ate some food, maybe tried on some goofy clothes, talked to some locals, danced in public, and then settled down on a bench to discuss their feelings.

Josh finally says the L word in a roundabout way and based on Andi expression, if she were a guy, she'd premature ejaculate all over herself right now.

It's at this point that I'd like to remind everyone that it's probably only been a few days since they learned Eric Hill passed away.  Everyone got over that SO fast.  I wasn't expecting more tears in this episode, but doesn't it seem odd that Andi and the remaining dudes don't even discuss it with each other?  Wouldn't one of them ask how she was doing or try to reassure her that she wasn't responsible for his death-- even though, let's face it: she kicked him out, it's all her fault, she sucks.

But I digress.  Andi tells Jock Strap she has a surprise for him and takes him to a baseball diamond to watch some Dominican kids play baseball.  Real nice, Andi.  Keep reminding him of the fact that his baseball career amounted to NOTHING and that ten year old boys throw better than him.  How much do you guys want to bet that Josh drags his entire family to the Dominican Republic so they can adopt one of these kids in hopes that someone will make a movie about them like The Blind Side?  

During the nighttime portion of their date, Blandi expresses some of her concerns about Josh not showing his serious side enough and he assures her that he doesn't fit the stereotype of a professional athlete.  And he's right. Because he's NOT a professional athlete.  It boggles my mind that she can't see it, but he seems so stiff and fake with her.  Everything that comes out of his mouth is rehearsed and way too well thought out.  And who can blame the guy?  He's in it to win it-- and by "it", I mean second place.  But he really needs to stop saying shit like "I don't know what beyond love is, but I'm beyond that." WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  There is nothing beyond love, dude.

I just don't get why Andi's so into him.  I don't even think the man is that hot.  Not to mention, he nearly shit his pants at the prospect of taking a lie detector test.  If that's not a giant red flag, I don't know what is.  That said, I do believe that Andi and Josh's eyebrows could have a really meaningful relationship. 

The date ends by Josh accepting Chris Harrison's invitation to the fantasy suite.  In another sign that he may be our front runner, we actually see them explore the fantasy suite (something we didn't get to see with Slick Nick).  Before boning, Jock Strap and Blandi take a little time to make out in the swimming pool.  I will say that Josh gets an extra five hundred points this season for not writing any poems, singing any songs, drawing any pictures, writing a children's book, writing a card, or making a scrapbook.  This may all be a sign of the fact that he's illiterate, but I really appreciate that he did not subject us to that kind of nonsense and figured he could get by on his good looks alone.

Oh, I'm also willing to bet my first born that he spanked Andi a few times in the fantasy suite.  And pulled her hair.

Farmer Chris gets the last fantasy suite date which is hell on his blue balls-- but who cares, the day is FINALLY HERE that he gets LAID!!!!  Hallelujah, hallelujah, halle---lay---loooh---wait, what?  He doesn't get laid?  He gets sent home??  Chris Harrison wrote a fantasy suite date card for no reason?

Yes.  After a very boring/awkward date of riding horses and playing yet another game of ghosts in the graveyard (AKA hide and go seek), Andi decides to wait till the nighttime portion of their date and AFTER Chris has confessed his undying love to her to say "I'm not feeling it.  And my vagina's kind of sore and itchy from the last two guys I boned, so tough break.  Also, there was never any chance in hell that I would ever live in Iowa."  

Poor Farmer Chris is so confused by the turn of events.  What happened?  He's the only nice guy on the show.  Nick keeps women hostage in a well in his basement and Josh doesn't think it's rape if you're on a date with the person.  Farmer Chris is also the only guy who didn't come on the show to be the next bachelor.  Not to mention, he was her freaking secret admirer.  And now he doesn't even get to stick the tip in?  This is all so unjust!

But before we feel too sad for Farmer Chris, let's remember these two things.  #1 Andi's vagina is a snooze fest.  #2 he's totally going to be the next bachelor.   I honestly believe that ABC cast him fully intending to position him as the next bachelor.  Andi was given strict orders to keep him around the entire season, but she was not allowed to sleep with him.  They want him to be totally untainted.  Think about it, guys.  The last two bachelors also never went to the fantasy suite....

Juan Pablo was eliminated long before the fantasy suite dates.  And Sean Lowe was on Emily's season and she supposedly didn't have overnights with anyone.

Now that Farmer Chris never makes it to an overnight date, this means that Josh was the last guy to orgasm inside of Andi and for that reason will probably get to marry her.  

The next day, Blandi gets to sit down for a therapy session with Chris Harrison.  Seriously, you guys.  I think I might be in love with Harrison.  I may name my first son Harrison.  And when people ask me if he's named after Harrison Ford, I'll be like NOOOOOOOO, he's named after the host of Bachelor in Paradise.  Honestly though, I don't know how the man makes it through these scenes without falling asleep or becoming physically violent.  He's SO good at nodding his head and smiling and say "uh-huh" at all the appropriate parts.  He even manages to say "interesting" a couple of times.  Meanwhile, all he can think about is that he doesn't give a shit about any of this shit and he'd so much rather be sitting on the toilet taking a shit.

Also-- for once, at the end of one of these therapy sessions I would LOVE for him to say "I had a great couple of days too, thanks so much for asking, you self-absorbed whore."  I mean, does anyone ever ask him how his life is going?  Does anyone care?  I care, Chris Harrison.  I care.

Okay, in what's literally the most boring rose ceremony in the history of rose ceremonies-- Blandi hands out two roses to the two remaining contestants.  In two weeks, Slick Nick and Jock Strap will meet Andi's family and in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr: "We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now, because I've been to the mountaintop..." And while I was up there, I saw the promo for Bachelor in Paradise and Marquel has his shirt off a lot.

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