Tuesday, July 29, 2014

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Season Finale

I'm still totally fuming that Blandi Dorkman spoiled the end of the Bachelorette finale for everyone on the west coast with an obnoxious tweet and photo with her new fiance.  I know, I know-- you guys all read Reality Steve and knew how it was all going to end, but some of us avoid that shit.  I mean, as if I needed another reason to want to waterboard this chick.  I will try to suppress my anger and forge ahead with this recap.  Because I'm a professional and that's what professionals do. 

Let's just say by the end of the two hours, it felt like ABC needed to change the title of this franchise to "Watching People Make Terrible Life Choices".  The episode kicks off with both the dudes meeting Andi's family.  Slick Nick is the first to come face to face with Andi's dad, Hy Fidelity.  He's so nervous about the whole thing, he comes off a little mentally handicapped.  Andi's parents stare at him like their daughter has brought home Forrest Gump, but when he opens up about how much he loves Blandi, Andi's mom starts crying because she never thought someone could actually love her boring, vapid, frowny daughter.

Nick asks for Hy's blessing to ask Awful Andi to marry him and after thinking it over for approximately 2.2 seconds Hy Noon is like: Sure, why not.

Jock Strap is even more awkward and stiff when he meets the Dorfmans, but somehow manages NOT to introduce himself as a formal professional baseball player.  I can't believe no one's douche alarm bells are going off, because he's SO tan and his teeth are SO white and his shirt is practically unbuttoned down to his navel.  He asks Hy-mlich maneuver for Andi's hand in marriage and he's like: totes. It's all VERY anti-climatic.  Can we all agree that the producers have really been phoning it in this season?  Why not slip a little peyote in Hy's mai-tai and really rev things up?  Where are the tough questions?  Where's the family member who wants to screw everything up?  Why are these the most boring people in the world who are totally fine with their daughter choosing between two douche bags who she's known for six weeks?

Blandi gets to have her last one on one dates with the guys-- and her fashion choices rival Mrs. Roper's.  I can't even recall the daytime portion of these dates, because I was too furious that bitch doesn't know about Pacific Standard Time and ruined the ending, but it's safe to say there was some sand, some water, an ugly man-tank, a boat, some loud make out sessions, and that the words "stop" "what are you thinking?" "too good to be true" "what's wrong?" and "This is crazy" were uttered.

At the end of their date, Jock Strap gives Andi a BASEBALL CARD with her picture on it and it says "Andi Murray" as in she's already taken his last name.  UM, what year is this?  Is he gonna start dragging her by the hair everywhere?!  The stats on the baseball card are ridiculously STUPID and it's all a shameless ploy for Jock to remind us that six years ago, he sat on a bench in a dug out on some rand-o minor league team no one has ever heard of.  Blandi calls it a "grand gesture." Oh come on. It's a piece of card stock that someone made at a local Kinko's.

Slick Nick on the other hand wins the last ditch effort gift giving portion of the competition with a necklace filled with sand-- from the beach where Nick first told Andi he loved her.  Whoa.  That's actually really sweet and thoughtful.  For the first time ever, I'm realizing that I have may have been wrong to call Nick a serial killer.  It turns out he's just a vulnerable little puppy dog who can't form sentences when his brain's not turned off.  I completely misjudged him.  He's kind of a mess during this date and Blandi keeps telling him he should be confident blah blah blah.  SO when Nick leaves he's like "I'm totally confident, we're getting engaged...."

Except that miraculously the next morning, Awful Andi suddenly realizes that she actually loves Josh the Jock and she has no romantic feelings for Nick whatsoever and it wouldn't be right for her to keep him around and have him pick out an engagement ring when she has no intention of seeing him again until the After the Final rose taping.  Meanwhile, Josh is in the bathroom going through his daily affirmations:
I imagine they go a little like this....
Josh (to his reflection): Babe.  You are a former professional baseball player.  No one can take that away from you.  You're tan.  Your teeth are really white.  Your eyebrows are perfectly trimmed, waxed, and manicured.  In two minutes, your man pubes will be nicely groomed.  You are the final rose. WHOOOO! hashtag respect.

Anyway, Slick Nick gets a knock on his door and he comes face to face with Annoying Andi.  This could only mean one thing.  His ass is about to get dumped.  The worst part is, Blandi has this weird grin on her face when she walks through the door.  WTF the is wrong with her? I swear, the woman is a total sadist.  She enjoys fucking with people and watching them squirm.  Last season, I thought she was a hero when she confronted Juan Pablo but it turns out all the poor guy did is say "it's okay" and that she just likes to publicly inflict pain on other people.

Blandi tells Nick that she woke up this morning and she wasn't feeling it and she wanted to spare him the humiliation of proposing to her.  She actually says that she feels like if she was with him she'd have to "analyze" things all the time.  Um, by analyze does she mean "think"?  Well, in that case Jock Strap is the perfect choice because he's dumber than.... Dumber from the movie Dumb and Dumber.  He's Dumbest, guys.  But I don't believe that Andi is just heroically trying to save Nick from proposing.  She just didn't want her amazing/romantic/engagement spoiled by the guilt of publicly dumping anyone.  Nick is visibly shocked and doesn't really know how to respond.  You can tell he feels like Andi led him on and could have secretly made it known that she wasn't that into him.

And I agree.  Here's why.  How was Andi SO certain that Josh was going to propose to her?  This chick is all ego-- I'm not sure she would risk sending one guy home unless she was certain that she was going to make it official with the other dude.  My guess is she and Josh totally talked it over and it was decided that he would go through with the Neil Lane meet & greet and that she could cut the cord with Nick without having to wonder if a proposal was on the horizon with the other dude.  Once again, the last man to stick his peen inside of the bachelorette in the fantasy suite is the lucky winner. 

Honestly, Blandi fucked up all season.  She could have been choosing between Marquel and Farmer Chris right now.  She should have kept Eric Hill on and saved his life.  But instead, she's choosing between a serial killer and a porn star.  I don't know why I get SO upset when I watch someone make a terrible choice in a partner.  But between the two of them, I would have gone with Nick.  Yes, he's creepy and would probably collect stray strands of her hair, BUT apparently he's really in love with her.  All season, Josh has seemed so fake and rehearsed and contrived.  We even know he lied a bunch during the lie detector test, he has no job or career going for him except more reality TV shows, and he can't even fake cry on camera.  But then I remind myself that I don't even like Blandi.  Shouldn't I be happy that someone as boring and bitchy ends up with someone equally douchey?  Isn't this a good thing?

Still, it's impossible not to be horrified by the proposal.  First off, Andi's hair and wardrobe are terrible. Second, Josh kicks off his declaration of love by reminding us yet again that he was a pro-baseball player and that he's been looking for something else he loves as much as the sport.  Uh, I think you already found someone you love more than baseball:
The rest of his proposal to Andi is so contrived and stiff and full of "woooos!" and fake deep breaths that it's impossible not to want to take an ice cold shower in the fetal position with mascara streaks running down my face.  Andi goes on to say that she's loved Josh since the moment she laid eyes on him (really?  Even though he didn't even get the first impression rose?) and then they start kissing really loud and saying "babe" a lot and then eating each other's mouths some more.  How could Chris Harrison betray us by not calling these the most awkward kisses in bachelor history?  They're definitely the loudest kisses.  I seriously have PTSD from it all.  From now on, anytime I see someone kiss, I'm going to have to hide under a table.  It's at this moment that I truly discover just how douche-tastic and grody Andi and Josh really are.  They deserve each other.  And as much as I want to believe that they will break up in three months, something tells me they will get married and live off of his brother's football salary for the rest of their lives.

Slick Nick is no longer slick.  We learn that he's been having a really hard time since Blandi dumped him. It's been so tough in fact that the show interviews his mom and she cries about it.  Poor sad Nick wants some answers.  I feel for him.  Really I do.  We all want more closure after a break-up and I think he deserves it but since Andi is the devil incarnate, she refuses to face him off camera.  Maybe she's afraid he's going to murder her in private, but I'm actually sure she thinks a break-up conversation will be more tame on camera but...she's super wrong.  muahahahahahaha.

But before their face to face, Sad Nick gives Chris Harrison a letter to give to Andi and guys-- she's still smirking about the whole thing when Harrison arrives at her dressing room.  Bitch LOOOOVES this.  This is her dream come true.  None of the contestants left the show on their own accord because they weren't into her.  She got engaged.  And the guy she dumped is still fawning over her.  And Juan Pablo is the most hated man in America.  Andi is basically Melisandre from Game of Thrones (that's the witch lady).

Blandi and Nick finally get to have their face to face and Nick is shaking and can barely speak.  Holy shit you guys, I think he's actually the first person to fall in love on this franchise.  Give the man a million dollars.  Personally, I thought Andi was pretty cold to him. So cold in fact that Nick decides to break the cardinal rule: what happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite.  He tells Andi if she didn't love him then why did they "make love" in the fantasy suite.  OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!!  Andi gets SUPER PISSED and says that he hit below the belt (literally, he did.  In the fantasy suite.  He hit it below the belt).  And I'm so glad he did, because it was exactly what this boring ass finale needed.  We all know they bone in the fantasy suite anyway, so it's not some crazy revelation but I really enjoy seeing people called out on their shit.  And by people, I mean Blandi.  If this was The Bachelor and a female contestant said that to the dude, we'd be calling her a national hero so I don't believe in double standards here-- I think it's fine that Nick said it. 

In fact, the only thing that would have made the finale better is if Nick interrupted Josh and Andi's interview with this rap:

I've always been bothered by the tonal shift in the After the Final Rose.  It's all somber and sad and then immediately after the commercial break it's like "WE'RE SO IN LOVE AND HAPPPPPPY!"  Meanwhile, Nick is slitting his wrists back stage.  Josh and Andi might go down in history as the most annoying couple ever.  We're told that it's all so crazy that they lived five minutes away from each other and never met until the show.  Is it crazy?  I mean, didn't the producers scout out people from her hometown?  Not to mention Andi probably didn't want to have to take the bar in another state.  If we needed one more reminder that this was the lamest season of the show ever, the producers resort to bringing on a famous internet cat to pose with Andi-- grumpy cat.  This is kind of a hot way to make fun of Andi's ugly perma-frown BUT Grumpy Cat is so much better than this.  It's like she knows her stock has gone way down by agreeing to appear on this shit.

The worst part of the finale was that ABC still hasn't closed a deal with Farmer Chris and they weren't able to announce him as being the next bachelor.  Ugh.  Pick up the pace, business affairs.

Thank GOD for Bachelor in Paradise.  I mean, I seriously hope we get to see Chris Harrison in a Hawaiian shirt.  I leave you with this video that Reality Steve posted a long time ago that I only just heard about.  It's Nick on a plane talking to someone on the phone about how he got dumped by Andi.

Does he actually say "I can't wait for us to just go to Kmart and chill?" No wonder she cut him loose.

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