Tuesday, July 22, 2014

the bachelorette: MEN TELL ALL!

You guys, I'm fighting a nasty cold and have an important meeting in the morning, so I'm going to get through this recap as quickly as possible.  Was it just me or were the most interesting parts of the Men Tell All the moments that had absolutely nothing to do with Blandi?  In fact, the most exciting part of the entire two hours was the Bachelor in Paradise trailer which literally looks more suspenseful and unpredictable than Game of Thrones.  I mean, someone gets ARRESTED on the show.  And one-armed Sarah finally gets to make out!  Anyway: here are the top ten highlights...


10. The televised ultrasound. PLEASE tell me that ABC paid Cupcake & JP with $300 in Carter's gift cards in order for them to agree to find out the sex of their baby on live television.  Otherwise that's kind of a new low.  Especially since these two don't seem like fame whores to me.  I mean, they want to move to a warmer climate and they chose Miami over Los Angeles.  Part of me is really hoping their baby has two heads or boy parts + girl parts or is a quarter alien BUT it's just a healthy baby boy.  BOR-ing.  I'm happy to report that JP is still hot and that Ashley's boobs are HUGE.  I mean, this is the same girl who cried because the dudes on her season made fun of her for being flat chested.  After all these years of being on the fence about having babies, those boobs have finally made me want a baby. 

9.  The men all appear in man-scarves and for a moment, I actually think it's real and not a joke.  Luckily, it's just their way of showing the world they have a sense of humor about their terrible fashion choices.  Speaking of fashion choices, Marquel's chocolate chip cookie brooch is the best thing that ever happened to fashion.  In fact, on the next season of The Bachelorette, instead of boutonnieres, they should pass out cookie brooches.  Someone needs to tell Blake Lively to sell that shit on her new stupid website, stat.

8.  In the show's last ditch effort to create some sort of villain for this season, the mysterious case of "did Andrew say blackie" resurfaces.  Ironically enough, there's an actual serial killer on this season (Nick) and yet, there was still no real bad guy.  You guys, I REALLY don't think Andrew said blackie.  And while I did cringe when he called Marquel by the name of the much less popular black guy who left the show early who no one cares about-- I still don't think he's a racist.  Here's what I think really went down.  I think he DID say "she gave roses to the two black guys" which is exactly what we all thought.  I mean, how often do two minorities get roses during the rose ceremony?  Just because he was shocked doesn't mean he's a racist.  And JJ has about zero credibility because his occupation is "pantsapreneur."  Also, how ridiculous was it that the show aired footage of Andrew leaning into JJ during the rose ceremony and saying something to him?  That proves absolutely nothing.

7.  Marquel gets his very own segment with Chris Harrison, because he's arguably the hottest contestant on the show.  And yet, he's been relegated to Bachelor in Paradise instead of being the next Bachelor.  This is just further proof that the franchise is racist.  But just when I think Marquel can't get any hotter, he passes out black and white cookies to the studio audience.  This man is a HERO.  I've attended a Men Tell All taping.  You're in that studio for like fourteen hours and it's freezing and they don't give you ANY food.  Marquel saved lives tonight.

6.  Marcus gets his own chance in the hot seat and I take the opportunity to take a little cat nap.  Honestly, I can't believe he made it all the way to hometown dates because I don't feel like we really know anything about Marcus except that his face resembles a penis.  He claims that he was in love with Blandi, blah blah BUT luckily, he's also going to appear on Bachelor in Paradise.  Men sure do bounce back quickly from losing the love of their life.

5. Farmer Chris's moment in the hot seat was beyond ridiculous.  How much more does the show need to force him down our throat as the next Bachelor?!  We get it.  He's cute and he's a farmer.  Is it really necessary to have a "random" chick from the studio audience interrupt King Harrison to ask if she can meet Chris?  Being the pro that he is, Harrison is able to navigate the completely "spontaneous" moment and asks the ABC plant woman to join him on stage.  She just happens to be super cute and gives Farmer her digits.  If this chick isn't a contestant on the next Bachelor, then I don't even know what's real and true in the world anymore.

4.  Once and for all, does my husband look like Farmer Chris?
3. Just when I find myself slightly entertained by the Men Tell All special, Chris Harrison has to ruin it all by asking Blandi to appear on the show.  Ugh.  Is her presence really necessary?  The dudes pretend to ask her questions about why she dumped them, blah blah.  Even Cabbage Patch Cody says that he feels like Andi didn't get to know the real him.  And she didn't, because she never got to sit on his back while he did push-ups.  And what was up with Andi's terrible dress?  Clearly, she's still pulling out all the stops to be on Dancing with the Stars, because that's the only venue that outfit would be remotely appropriate for? 

2.  The highlight of the Men Tell All was FINALLY getting to learn the secrets of the lie detector test.  And some of the results were kind of hilarious.  Brian, Farmer Chris, and JJ didn't tell any lies.  Marcus lied when he said he slept with less than twenty girls (and he's only 25 years old-- kinda slutty) AND Dylan lied when he said he was ready for marriage and that he preferred brunettes over blondes.  AMAZING.  BUT of course, Blandi decides she doesn't want to know what Josh the Jock Strap lied about.  This has to mean that she ends up with him, right?!  Girlfriend just doesn't want to make a fool of herself.  Also, can we just give Andrew a lie detector test to find out what really happened during that rose ceremony?

1.  I know I might seem like I'm kind of obsessed with Eric Hill-- and yes, it's true-- I have a bit of a morbid fascination with the whole thing BUT how fucking weird was it that they didn't mention his death at all?  I kept thinking they were waiting till the end to address it, but it didn't even come up.  The guys on the show actually lived and traveled with Eric and I assumed they would want to say a few things about their friend.  Speaking from personal experience of being tortured at the taping, my guess is they did tape a segment about Hill and for whatever reason it ended up on the chopping block.  God forbid they not get to show a blooper reel.

During the end credits, we also got a scene of Chris Harrison showing up at Andi's dressing room with a letter from one of her two final contestants.  Andi plops the letter down on the table and stares at it.  Okay, only on TV shows do people not read letters right away.  Now, let's discuss who it could be from.  Andi clearly has a stalker.  My first guess would be Slick Nick, because he's a serial killer and probably wants to have sex with her corpse.  But then I noticed it was written on wide-ruled paper, so then it has to be Josh* because he's an idiot.  It's a mystery, guys.  Guess we'll just have to wait till next week to find out! 

*In last week's post, I gave Josh extra points for never making a scrapbook or reading a letter on the show, but then I noticed on the recap that he did in fact read Blandi a letter during their one on one date.  I must have been too busy counting my leg hairs and missed it the first time around.  Sorry guys!

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